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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

305 replies

Fuzzybuzzybeebee · 27/04/2017 13:54

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/04/2017 17:07

I wonder if you'll wake up one day and find you dont love your child op? Or "fall out if love with them" ? there is always adoption I suppose.

Headofthehive55 · 27/04/2017 17:07

I wonder if you'll wake up one day and find you dont love your child op? Or "fall out if love with them" ? there is always adoption I suppose.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2017 17:07

I wonder if you'll wake up one day and find you dont love your child op? Or "fall out if love with them" ? there is always adoption I suppose

Yep. Because that's exactly the same thing. Totally Hmm

pieceofpurplesky · 27/04/2017 17:09

My exh left because he felt "pushed out" for the last year as I had been caring for my son, disabled mum and ill father. I also had a medical issue that led to me having 2 ops in a year. He felt that there was more to life than work. Interestingly I worked and did all of the above and managed the house as he was always out playing football etc.
He made the decision, gave no indication (we even had sex the night before he told me - which he later claimed was to see if he still had any feelings). I was given no choice. A year on all the issues above were resolved but he gave up so easily after 16 years.
It was 100% to do with him being a selfish man child who wanted an easy life

pieceofpurplesky · 27/04/2017 17:10

Oh and he has never asked for 50/50 custody. He has DS every Saturday and the odd Friday night when he can't do a full Saturday!!

NoLotteryWinYet · 27/04/2017 17:11

If I met a person and they told me that they'd left their partner whilst the dc were 3 and 1 years old, I'd wonder what sort of bastard they were. Whichever way you look at it, it's regrettable and sad for the dc and the partner left at the hardest stage of life. Of course it's sometimes unavoidable and for the best but morally neutral? No, I don't buy into that, it's an absolute last resort and when you've got children that small you should wait it out.

blackteasplease · 27/04/2017 17:12

I wish my stbxh would frickin well leave !

DixieNormas · 27/04/2017 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 27/04/2017 17:15

IT is jac 50% of his genes are in your child.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2017 17:16

Yeah. But 50% of my genes aren't in him and vice versa.

Oh and it's our child. Not my child.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 27/04/2017 17:18

when you've got children that small you should wait it out.

When exactly should you wait until? It is always going to be hard when someone leaves but waiting it out is not always the answer. Surely all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable and stopping each other from moving forwards which can only lead to arguments and children becoming more aware of the situation.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 27/04/2017 17:18

I think it's wrong, sorry.

Chavelita · 27/04/2017 17:20

RomanticWalkstotheFridge makes an excellent point about how cyclic 'romantic love' within the context of a longterm relationship is particularly because of the classic 'bored with the drain of babies' timeline of the OP's cousin's walkout timing as regards the birth of his children. It seems to me one of the best/only arguments for waiting till you're older and/or more experienced/in an older relationship before you have a child - you've understood that there are periods where it isn't primarily moonlight and roses, and aren't ready to decide that 'falling out of love' or that Jim from Accounting is sending you torrid glances across his sandwich in the staff canteen -- is a reason to end things.

If I'd had a child at 22, when I was comparatively newly with my partner, we might not have made it through the car crash of sleeplessness and the shock of being parents.

(Though in my experience 'falling out of love' is often not-so-subtle code for 'fallen in love, but not with you.')

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2017 17:21

and stopping each other from moving forwards

Exactly - ex-H has a wonderful fiancé. She and I have become friends and she is a wonderful stepmum to my daughter.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2017 17:21

And she is far, far more suited to him than I was 😄

NoLotteryWinYet · 27/04/2017 17:23

Because with a 1 year old child, it's very had to say whether your falling out of love is a permanent situation - otherwise why have the baby?

QueenLaBeefah · 27/04/2017 17:26

I honestly don't think that couples who break up when they have small children have tried hard enough. I think the vast majority of men who leave in this situation find life with young children a bit of a ball ache and don't like the fact they are expected to grow up a bit.

And call me cynical - I've yet to see a man who leaves the wife and kids not produce a girlfriend 3 months later. (Yet curiously seems to know a heck of a lot about her considering they barely know one another🤔).

I17neednumbers · 27/04/2017 17:28

"waiting it out is not always the answer. Surely all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable..."

Not necessarily. What some pp are saying is that there are some particularly difficult times - 2 dc in the space of 3-4 years sounds hard going! but there are may be other difficult points as well - and sometimes if you wait it out, genuinely prepared to try, things may improve. For instance if pnd is making the early months really difficult. Maybe waiting a year would be worth it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/04/2017 17:31

Yabu.

Massively oversimplifying. Its never as easy as that and more often than not the children are the victims.

What happened to till death do us part? (And before I get flamed I'm not talking about situations involving domestic violence etc.).

You enter into a commitment you should try your hardest to see it through. Life has peaks and troughs.

Its breaking up a child's family. Putting your own selfishness before them. The wives/husbands who are left never signed up to be part time parents.

All that stats I've seen show that children of divorced parents do worse academically, have greater mental health problems and are at far greater risk of poverty.

Stands to reason that what was one joint income suddenly having to cover two households can cause a great deal of hardship.

Abuse aside I think walking out on your family is spectacularly selfish and immoral.

Zampa · 27/04/2017 17:33

I think Chronic is right about the sweeping generalisations on this thread.

No-one knows what goes on in a marriage and I'm sure each party tells their own version of events.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 27/04/2017 17:34

So true queen

Although my experience is more

Sue and Jim marry and have Olivia and Jack. Sue and Jim start squabbling. Sue and Jim split up amongst a thousand assurances that Olivia and Jack will be much, much happier without Sue and Jim's infrequent arguments and after all they'll still see Jim all the time.

Six months later Sue and Jim have moved their respective new partners in.

Six years later, Sue is married to Greg and they have Elliot and Eve - plus Greg's kids every other weekend, Emily and James. Jim's married to Becky and they have Chloe and Charlie - plus Becky's kids full time, Sam and Bethany.

Truth is, no one wants Jack and Olivia. And they know it.

QuietNameChange · 27/04/2017 17:37

pink

That's so sad. but I agree, that's definitely how I felt. (Or actually, I felt like I was wanted if I was 100% perfect and was a great childminer. It was a right mindfuck and wasn't great for my MH...)

“The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”

(Btw, I think it's also the other way around, the mother loving the father, of course...)

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 17:39

I wonder if you'll wake up one day and find you dont love your child op? Or "fall out if love with them" ? there is always adoption I suppose Hmm

What a bloody stupid comment. The love you feel for a child is very different from the love one feels for a dh/dp

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 27/04/2017 17:40

It does happen, though.

Plenty of parents do decide, seemingly at random, they don't love their child any more.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 17:42

Nobody male or female should have to stay in a relationship they do not want to be in

That is one way of looking at it, but another way would be to see it as having made one's bed and therefore having to lie in it

So tell me does having to lie in that bed apply to women is abusive relationships? Or men/women that are desperately unhappy with there dw/dh they are suffering with depression? Or someone that hates living with the dh/dw and dreads making up in the morning? Someone being financially abused? A couple that have been living separate lives for years?