To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

[Fuzzybuzzybeebee]

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

[C0RAL]

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives

Well this might be fine in theory. It's just that I've never known of a non custodial parent who does 50% of the parenting and pays 50% of the cost of raising the child.

That's 50% of everything. The apointments - doctors dentist, hospital, optician, school, parents evenings . After school ,activities, play dates and parties ( hosting and attending ). Homework, chores, taking time off work for inset days, sickness and school holidays . Dealing with behavioural problems. Sewing labels on school uniform, making costumes.

OTOH I know lots of people like the OP who think that a dad who pays £20 a week and sees his kids 4 days out of 31 is somehow doing his share. What would happen to these kids if mum did the same ? These men are happy to let the tax payer support their kids so they don't have to.

They are all like Laiste's ex. Demanding their rights to 50:50 and then folding after a few weeks when they learn how hard it actually is. And within weeks OW is on here saying how unreasonable his ex is and how he's giving up all this time to help her out with " childcare " .

[JacquesHammer]

That is one way of looking at it, but another way would be to see it as having made one's bed and therefore having to lie in it.

As a parent, I'd willingly sacrifice my own happiness for the benefit of my DCs

Why are you assuming your happiness and your children's happiness are mutually exclusive?

My ex-H and I no longer loved each other. We both adore our daughter. We decided to call it a day before her life was clouded by arguments and parents who hate each other.

She has two happy loving homes. She is the happiest kid you could meet. AND both her parents are happy. I'd say that was a win all round.

[AcrossthePond55]

On the face of things, no, there's nothing inherently wrong. Especially because staying when one no longer loves one's partner usually results in cheating or resentment leading to mistreatment (silent treatment, picking on, pushing away, etc). My cousin's ex fell out of love with her and as a result, had an affair. She discovered it and was devastated and humiliated. He told her that he'd fallen out of love with her 'years ago'. She said it would have been so much less painful if he had sat her down, explained, and left her then.

As long as the leaver has treated the 'leavee' with honesty, dignity, compassion, and fairness, I think they have a right to end the marriage/relationship. That means no playing the 'blame-game', accepting one's own responsibility for the breakdown, being cooperative financially, and working together for the good of the children.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

"Wouldn't your kids (and you!) rather you were happy instead of a miserable martyr?"

Why are those the only two options?
Yes if the parents are 'miserable' and will be happy if they split the kids may well prefer a divorce.
But really there is a lot you can do to help a relationship in trouble, and there are lots of marriages that are caring, respectful, kind without grand passion and hearts and flowers everywhere. And the upheavel, to-ing and fro-ing for the kids, cost of running two households and difficulties of step families mean that splitting doesn't guarantee 'happy'.
Yes obviously there are cases where divorce is best. I wish my own parents had divorced because my father was violent. However I have an acquaintance who walked out on his 3 month old baby because he wasn't in love with his wife anymore... I mean, who gives a fuck whether he feels in love, he has made a commitment to have a child (voluntarily) and needs to put his child's needs first.

[KayTee87]

headsdown I would expect my children to honour their commitment to their wife/husband and family and I'd tell them that marriage isn't a fairytale and as long as there is mutual respect you can make it work. Maybe when children are small it might get hard but you tough it together out until the easier times come.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

If EVERYTHING has been exhausted in terms of trying to repair the relationship then yes, leave as long as you are supporting spouse and kids.
Your cousin didn't try hard enough IMO and I don't know what he tried. if you have previously loved someone (especially enough to have kids) then you should work damn hard to get it back.
they have a 1yr old. Why did they (he) try for DC2 if he wasn't in love with his partner? And if it was the period between conception and DC turning 1 that he fell out of love then he really didn't put much effort in at all to change things. 1st yr of a baby is extremely hard and testing in most relationships

[OffRoader]

I think planning a life with someone, making promises and having children with them and then deciding 'nah, it's a bit shit actually' and leaving your partner with a baby and toddler is pretty awful.

Even if you do pay child support etc, you've still broken up a family.

[KayTee87]

Yes as peppa says, your cousins ex didn't try hard enough. It's a bit pathetic to leave someone a year after having a new baby with them citing the reason as 'fell out of love' tbh.

[RomanticWalksToTheFridge]

IME 'toughing it out' in the early years in the perfect phrase.

Romantic love for your spouse when you have a 3-week old or a 3 month old- it's hard bloody work. You are knackered. You are scared. You are all at sea and your entire sense of identity (for either parent) has been blown up.

[HecatesBroom]

What about leaving your husband and kids?

I know you shouldn't judge, bla bla bla, but frankly to have been having an affair for several years with the NDN when you have three kids under the age of ten makes you a selfish bitch in my book. So she and him next door have moved in together elsewhere leaving their devastated spouses and five young children. Life sucks when parents act like irresponsible teenagers.

[SparkleSoiree]

Totally agree with you HopelesslydevotedtoGu.

[JacquesHammer]

But really there is a lot you can do to help a relationship in trouble, and there are lots of marriages that are caring, respectful, kind without grand passion

Yeah - but equally there's nothing wrong with wanting to be in love with your partner.

My husband and I were kind, respectful, caring etc. We just weren't in love with each other. We were like siblings, or housemates. And neither of us wanted to be in a sexless relationship from our early 30s for life.

[UppityHumpty]

That's your opinion. Personally I think non-abused people who break up their kids families without even trying to make an effort to make it work are scum. I mean it too. But that's my opinion

[FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite]

Yes, YABU imo.,

Breaking up a marriage is imo an absolute last resort.

I'm sure they had some sort of vows when they got married, didn't they? For better and for worse etc...?

Btw, the early years are sometimes really difficult.

[JacquesHammer]

Uppity and what a horrid judgemental opinion at that. Ugh.

[littleoldladywho]

Sure op. It's a lovely way of minimizing your own actions. Startling naïveté to just decide with two tiny children that you don't really love their mum. I'm guessing parenting was just a bit harder than he had anticipated. She probably wasn't shagging him enough, what with the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, and laundry, and housework, and interminable children 24/7. Totally fair enough that he decided he couldn't be bothered to stay and support her through the stress of his own small family.
Yup. Utter wanker.
Just because you were never romantically in love with the father of your child/ren (and so presumably just used him as a sperm donor) really doesn't excuse your cousin's husband at all.
So many man-children who can't bear not being the centre of attention for a few years in the midst of child rearing.

[stargirl1701]

I think it is very much more complicated than you describe. I find it interesting that the number of adults in the UK with attachment issues matches very closely with the divorce rate. The issues, to me, seem quite deep routed.

[ShotsFired]

@Widehorizen Nice Strawman there shots smile

Why? I didn't mean to cause offence - I honestly only wrote that because I was a child whose parents stayed together till the bitter, bitter end and I spent a lot of my childhood worried what I had done to make them so unhappy and fruitlessly trying to change it. It was horrible.

So it was a blessed relief when they finally divorced! They are both remarried and happy now. So when people say they will "stay together for the kids" type stuff, I feel compelled to implore them otherwise

Not to mention the fact even our parents also deserve happiness in their lives too! They shouldn't martyr themselves no more than anyone else.

[FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite]

You're not leaving your children. You're leaving your partner or spouse

I'm sure that's how they are going to feel.

Plus, the emotional impact of their father not loving their mother and actually hurting her (emotionally).

Yes, unless there are good reasons for this? There's something wrong with it...

[floraeasy]

It's why divorce was invented!

I agree with a pp - if only my parents had separated years before they did, we'd all have been a lot happier, I'm sure.

My mum was of the generation where you ground it out, no matter what, but the toxicity and bitterness leaked out all over the place.

[JacquesHammer]

My mum was of the generation where you ground it out, no matter what, but the toxicity and bitterness leaked out all over the place

That must have been so hard 😥 we called time before we got to disliking each other, before we got to arguments and atmospheres. We remain the best of friends. We co-parent in a loving and cooperative way. Just from different households

[WhooooAmI24601]

When Ex and I split up DS1 was 5 months old. Ex told me he wanted 50/50 custody and would be doing everything. It lasted a month before he rang me one night saying he couldn't settle DS1. Since then he's been an every-other-weekend Dad. We get on very well and parent as a team but there's no question that I've done 11 years of work while he's played the role of 'fun uncle'.

It's a rarity that any couple splits their DCs care, custody and costs 50/50. It's also slightly naive to imagine that children can just learn to accept "mummy stopped loving daddy" and come through unscathed. On the other hand, it must be awful for children growing up watching their parents dysfunctional relationships. There's really no easy answer.

[floraeasy]

JacquesHammer

You were much more sensible than my parents then. Much healthier for the kids IMO.

I could write a book on the madness of our childhood!

[ChronicPainDaddy]

I understand that there are a lot of cases of men leaving and not doing all they should to support their kids but let's not make sweeping generalisations.

As a PP said there are men who's wives leave them and take the kids and they are devastated about not being with them.

Then there are those of us who have men left and become single dad's, though I understand we are a minority. My wife left to be with someone else but hide that for as long as she could from me and is still hiding it from everyone she knows. Her public reasons for leaving are the exact reasons the OP has stated, falling out of love with me.

Unless you are the person who left you don't know the real reasons they left, only what they're willing to tell you

[ChronicPainDaddy]

Who have been left that should say