To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

[Fuzzybuzzybeebee]

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

[ShoutOutToMyEx]

I know that if DH and I ever came close to splitting, I would try very much harder to fix it now that we have DCs than I would have done beforehand.

Agreed.

[Bananamanfan]

I think there is something wrong in leaving your partner when you have a 1 & 3 year old. It's not very long since you decided to have children, you can't then just leave at the shittest point.

[Beadoren]

Banana I agree. I think really little kids are a big test to a relationships

[SweetLuck]

The thing is, that if you make your bed badly you can always get out and redo it.

[ShotsFired]

There seems to be a lot of underlying assumptions that people are just upping and leaving marriages on a happy go lucky whim.

Most people are fundamentally good, and I do believe that however shitty the circs they won't just wake up one fine morning and decide to leave. It's never easy, its never nice, it's never a first choice option.

I appreciate the OP has some slightly suspicious (for want of a better word) circs with the young children, but even so, the husband surely hasn't just walked away whistling a happy tune about it with not a care in the world.

Even the instigators of breakups need to grieve for the relationship that is no more at some point.

[Pinkheart5915]

Plenty of parents do decide, seemingly at random, they don't love their child any more

I disagree I don't believe anyone can stop loving their own child. I think some people never loved them in the first place, some people just aren't cut out to be parents or to love a child like they should.

For example my nephews Mum left when he was 2 days old she wanted to abort him but found out too late for an abortion she never loved him, she didn't stop she never did. Nephew is now 13 and has never seen his Mum.

My cousin left her dd last year and now lives with om & has hardly any contact with her dd, she didn't stop loving her dd I'm not sure she ever loved her dd like a parent should. Her opinion is having her dd ruined her life and she hated being Mum.

[motherinferior]

I agree with ShotsFired et al. And I don't think you should have to stay in a relationship that makes you truly miserable, till death do you part.

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

From one pink to another, there are several devoted daddies who lose interest once they fall out of love with mumsy. Sadly.

[Headofthehive55]

I don't think there are different "types" of love, just love.

I don't think I've ever known a happy child of divorced parents but lots of unhappy ones.

[Pinkheart5915]

Yes I know that but if you honestly loved your child and they were everything to you, you wouldn't lose intrerest in them just becuase your relationship broke down.
Any mother or father than loses interest In the child was never that devoted in the first place

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

Oh I dunno. My dad was pretty devoted. I mean, I could be wrong - I hope I'm not - but he did really seem to love me, until he didn't, so yourself.

[BenadrylCucumberpatch]

Pinkandwhiteblossoms

Truth is, no one wants Jack and Olivia. And they know it.

This was the exact case for me in both houses.
It honestly felt like I was the practice child they had to keep, before both sets of parents were really happy, with their wanted relationship and 'icing on the cake' real kids together.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

As the child of parents who should have divorced, I have a fair amount of cynicism about people who claim to be staying together 'for the children' or 'because I put the children first'.

90% of the time, it's utter nonsense. Excluding an abusive marriage, it's either people who're scared, or people who're apathetic, or people who (deep down) don't believe they could do better.

So they blame the children by falling back on saying 'I stayed for the children'.

Children know this stuff. And they suffer for it. It's not possible to hide the fact you're not truly happy.

It's an extremely immature role model to set, and one that is damaging.

[NoYouDontKnowItAll]

Don't want to be pedantic but afaik there's no such thing as custody in family law - am willing to be corrected though

If the OP ever comes back to the thread - sounds like using to me, if you had children with someone you don't love

[Pinkheart5915]

My parents broke marriage broke down when I was 3 Mum says they grew apart and decided to separate no wrong doing either side. I saw dad for 2 years Thursday to Sunday but then it stopped.

Since having dc myself and feeling the love I feel for my children I know there is no way in hell I'd ever not see my children. If my dad had felt that about me and was a devoted dad he would of saw me, you do not just stop loving your own child he was probably just playing the part of the devoted loving dad for a few years then the novelty of me wore of I guess.

[Nanny0gg]

Nobody male or female should have to stay in a relationship they do not want to be in

Do the children get to choose? What if they don't want to see daddy every other weekend, but every night like they used to?

What if daddy (or mummy) is broken because they can't see their children morning and night like they used to?

My DH would have been devasted to have been separated from his children.

[Walkingtowork]

My parents were unhappy and did split up (I was 4, dsis was 2), but things didn't improve, they got worse.

The comment a pp made about attachment issues was spot on - my DM didn't know how to have a happy relationship and we were dragged from pillar to post with her.

I don't think people should necessarily stay together, but I'd challenge the assumption that things will turn out better.

[Underthemoonlight]

YABU you don't know the full circumstances and often and not theirs infidelity involved. I've been through this when I DS dad he was just one before his DF had enough of the baby stage and wanted his freedom and old life back. He ended up seeing his ex behind my back going out drinking drugs, holidays etc He has been able to forge a career without an responsibilities where as I've had to work my life around my DS. Your cousin is a wanker!

My DH knows we have our ups and down as any couple but we made a commitment together to raise our DC as a family unit.. we know life becomes hard and mundane but that's part of life he certainly doesn't walk away when the going gets tough.

[JacquesHammer]

Truth is, no one wants Jack and Olivia. And they know it

How sad for mythical "Jack and Olivia"

In reality MiniJH will ALWAYS be wanted because I won't be having anymore children. My casual partner is childless.

The problem is that there are so many reasons marriages don't work. And an ended marriage isn't always a case of one person walking out on the other. It can be a mutual decision made out of respect and love.

My daughter will grow up knowing that she is adored. And how lucky she is to have two secure, loving homes where she is equally comfortable.

Some kids I know don't even have the luxury of one loving home.

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

Jack and Olivia aren't mythical.

I think two posters have already said they can relate. I can think of several children in the position of the above.

It's not the case for your kid? Great. But you don't get to decide that because that's the case for you, so it is for everybody.

[CPtart]

Things rarely go wrong very quickly. Her DH was still presumably planning another child/having unprotected sex with your cousin less than two years ago. He must have had an inkling things weren't 100% then? Easy for men to take that risk though and put their own pleasure before practicalities as they don't tend to take the DC with them when they up and off.

[JacquesHammer]

And how many posters have decided that it's "wrong" pink or is that ok to decide for everyone as its your opinion 😂

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

Eh? I haven't decided anything for anyone. I do object however to people stating that because THEIR child hasn't experienced something it is therefore a "myth".

[Ktown]

It is reasonably common for men to leave when they get knee deep in nappies and domesticity (life).
I do think people over emphasise romantic love (lust) and then wonder why the grass isn't greener. This is a Hollywood version of life. Of course after weeks of no sleep and a kid needing attention you ain't going to want to sleep with your partner.
Suck it up. It will pass.
This 'I must be in love' at all times schtick is rather selfish and childish.