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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been sprayed with red dye!

767 replies

Mojit0 · 26/04/2017 17:00

This morning DH was running along the Thames towpath as he often does. He was running quite fast as he's training. There is an area where the path narrows a bit and he had caught up and was running behind a woman. He thought she moved to one side to let him pass, so he ran up behind her, at which point she screamed and suddenly sprayed him with a spray! Most of it got on his t-shirt but some of it also also got on his neck and lower face, though he didn't realise at the time. She screamed at him to get away from her and then ran back the other way. He was saying to her, "It's ok" etc, but he said she was so freaked out and looked so terrified he didn't try and follow her.
Now he has a zig-zag pattern of red up his neck and on the left side if his face and it really won't come off. He went into work and someone told him its probably a dye that the police use to mark criminals! I looked on google and it looks as if you can buy a red spray dye that won't wash off for 7 days! If it's this, it's a nightmare as he has to go to China on business tomorrow.
DH feels bad that she was so scared and her reaction actually scared him. He thinks maybe he should have held back, but he thought she was letting him overtake her. I think her reaction was a bit extreme though -AIBU? I run down that path frequently (although not at 6.30am) and I have never heard of anything like this.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 26/04/2017 21:47

The mental gymnastics that some posters are going through in an effort to blame the man are legit terrifying.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2017 21:49

FWIW, I can completely understand that there are possibly circumstances that lead her to be that scared but that does not excuse it and she should really choose locations for running that are less likely to make her that scared and anxious. That isn't victim blaming or saying she should stay indoors it's common sense.

AsthmaQ · 26/04/2017 21:50

I am not trying to blame the man.

I just don't think that the woman will be charged with assault.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2017 21:51

I really really hope my sons never encounter women like some of the posters on this thread, nor the daughters they have raised if they've impressed these beliefs onto them.

Blistory · 26/04/2017 21:51

No one's arguing that she was right in spraying him. It's whether her actions were reasonable in the circumstances.

I'm not English but I'm fairly certain in English law that you don't need to wait to be attacked before you defend yourself but that you do need to argue that your belief of the threat was real and that your response was proportionate.

I'm not convinced that she doesn't have a stateable case for both those issues. Right and reasonable aren't the same thing. Clearly from what the OP says, she was wrong in as much as the OPs husband was not an actual threat but that's not the same as being unreasonable in her belief that he was a threat.

If her belief was reasonable, was her response disproportionate in the context of that belief ?

youarenotkiddingme · 26/04/2017 21:51

Exactly soup I was so scared of being out after dark - so I didn't go out alone and avoided crowded spaces. I didn't inflict my fear on innocent passers by

worridmum · 26/04/2017 21:52

oh wow so now the husband must be lying how about if a man sprayed your DD with red dye? and ruined her clothes? would that be ok ? no so stop with the victim blaming.

AS IN THIS CASE THE BLOODY VICTIM HE IS THE HUSBAND NOT THE WOMAN.

All the posters who automatically thing victim blaming is only a female problem are bloody sexist as i repeat again the woman here was the aggressor and the man the victim

worridmum · 26/04/2017 21:54

In UK law I cannot go around punching men in the face and just say i had thought i was in danger.

I WOULD HAVE PROVE i was in fact in danger not for the person i punched to prove he wasnt going to attack.

Original poster
Mojit0 · 26/04/2017 21:55

Thankyou for all the kind suggestions about dye removal. He's in the shower now with one of my facial scrubs and then we'll try soaking it with hair dye remover and Joleen bleach. His skin tone is quite olive /swarthy so I don't really have concealer or anything that would work as a cover-up.
It could have been worse if it had got in his eyes and dyed them red, so thank god that wasn't the case at least.

OP posts:
WildKiwi · 26/04/2017 21:56

No doubt I'll get flamed by certain parties for this viewpoint, but your DH is the victim of an assault. You can't just spray people with dye like that! Runners pass each other on paths all the time. But let's face it, your DH can't win here. If he'd stayed behind her, he'd be in the wrong for following her.

Considering it a bit further, as well as his clothes being wrecked, I'd imagine he felt embarrassed and probably a bit humiliated having to go into work in that state. It's certainly lucky it didn't go in his eyes. And now he may also have to go on a business trip covered in dye. Also, how will he feel now about running along that tow path on his own? Is he going to be worried that he might encounter this woman again?

I'm sure I'll get accused of victim blaming (well she's not actually the victim here), but personally if I wanted to go running in an area where I might feel vulnerable on my own I'd go with a friend or choose a different place/time of day. I'm very sorry if she's had something awful happen in her past, but that doesn't give her the right to assault your DH.

sparechange · 26/04/2017 21:57

Get him a collar with a bell

In a thread so full of lunacy that I want to bang my head on the wall, this is just wonderful

sparechange · 26/04/2017 22:01

good grief, Blistory

You are clutching at a whole barnyard of straws there.
There isn't hope in hell she could legitimately argue she had a reasonable belief she was going to be attacked Confused

If we blindly accepted every irrational fear as legitimate, we probably ought to insist the police have an alien abduction investigation unit as well

AsthmaQ · 26/04/2017 22:02

"There isn't hope in hell she could legitimately argue she had a reasonable belief she was going to be attacked "

What if he'd clipped her heel? What if he'd brushed up against her and she thought she was about to be grabbed?

Would you then be OK with her using her spray?

StillHungryy · 26/04/2017 22:04

I had reasonable belief he was going to attack me because he was running behind me and overtaking me on a well known running area" Hmm

Not only that but it sounds like she had it ready to attack someone so surely premeditated that she was thinking of attacking someone? Considering the DH did nothing to give the belief he was going to attack her

sparechange · 26/04/2017 22:06

But Asthma, he didn't Confused

What on earth are you hoping to achieve with wild speculation?

What about if it was a woman running up behind her who brushed up against her?

ZilphasHatpin · 26/04/2017 22:06

But let's face it, your DH can't win here. If he'd stayed behind her, he'd be in the wrong for following her.

Well he could have said "excuse me".

StillHungryy · 26/04/2017 22:07

"There isn't hope in hell she could legitimately argue she had a reasonable belief she was going to be attacked "

Then it's still slightly tenuous but hypothetical scenarios don't matter as they didn't happen...

StillHungryy · 26/04/2017 22:08

And maybe if he did say excuse me and give her prior warning he'd have got it square in the face, if we're talking hypotheticals

ZilphasHatpin · 26/04/2017 22:08

If we blindly accepted every irrational fear as legitimate,

Shock Because women never get attacked while jogging? It's hardly an irrational fear!

Blistory · 26/04/2017 22:09

I think the source of my differing opinion from others is that I don't accept that her fear was irrational.

I posted a link about a rape last night of a woman out jogging on a footpath at 9.00pm for a reason. Sadly it's not a one off. It happens. The big difference in the OP's case is that her husband isn't a rapist. The woman didn't know that. And the OP hasn't suggested in any way that the woman maliciously sprayed her husband.

JJ73 · 26/04/2017 22:09

I have used this spray. On an ex who wouldn't stop coming to my door. I gave him fair warning to leave my property and that I would use the spray. He didn't believe me so I sprayed him in the face.
He called the police who took the spray off me to test it was what it said on the tin, but googled it first said it was perfectly legal, watched the cctv and walked away happy. No charges.
On the downside they also escorted my ex to a and e where it was removed fully straight away. I was gutted tbh! And he never doorstepped me again 😁

Now the police know about it if you have time I'd go to a and e rather than scrub at his skin. It isn't designed to come off with anything available to buy, similar if not the same as the dyes in cash bags. They may need to verify with the police that it has been logged but I fear your dh is in for a long, sore yet fruitless task.

Renaissance2017 · 26/04/2017 22:09

Would anyone be happy if the next time a woman comes onto MN saying she has been assaulted we tried to do all sorts of back flips to find a way to blame her?

specialsubject · 26/04/2017 22:10

In this case a man was attacked while running. But this is mn so that's OK.

AsthmaQ · 26/04/2017 22:10

You have no idea what she could argue because you weren't there. We have one side of the story, and one side only.

And even that side of the story says she looks absolutely terrified.

Women can also assault other women.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/04/2017 22:10

Blistory

she was wrong in as much as the OPs husband

still placing blame on thevictim