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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has anyone struggled to bond with Baby that isn't cute?

125 replies

spottyrabbit · 26/04/2017 12:07

I feel awful about this. I just don't know what to do about it. My DS is 8mo and while I do love him very much, there's something a bit lacking in my feelings towards him vs my DD when she was a baby. I would look at her and think she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (and still do) With him I just think...oh dear, I hope you improve with age.

Everyone used to tell me how gorgeous she was, literally no-one does with DS, which just reinforces my feelings.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a horrible mum.

OP posts:

gandalfspants · 26/04/2017 12:13

MIL says DH was the most beautiful baby ever and then SIL was totally ugly, everyone agreed. She never said it stopped her bonding (and they are vvvclose now), but you wouldn't say it out loud would you?

SIL did improve with age, if that helps.

SumThucker · 26/04/2017 12:15

Bloody hell! Behaviour maybe, but looks?!

Original poster

spottyrabbit · 26/04/2017 12:15

Thanks gandalf, no you wouldn't. Glad to hear she improved with age! I think he will be handsome when he's older, his features just don't quite suit a baby iyswim. God, I'm such an awful person

OP posts:

Heatherbell1978 · 26/04/2017 12:16

I'm sure that'll change in time. My DD is 8 weeks and although she is cute, her skin is way worse than DS's was, she's much chubbier and has horrendous colic so if she's awake, she's crying, and I'm not getting nearly as much from her as I did from DS at same age. So safe to say I probably like her slightly less but don't love her any less. DS is quite a challenging toddler now so I'm holding out hope that she's an easy toddler!

C0untDucku1a · 26/04/2017 12:16

Maybe speak to the hv about the possibility of pnd?

SallyGinnamon · 26/04/2017 12:19

Some top models weren't great when little. (Sorry, irrelevant I know).

HeadDreamer · 26/04/2017 12:23

SumThucker why comment? I can totally relate. DC2 was quite ugly when born. I felt a shock. Even my mum told me so. Luckily she did improve quickly. She started to look cute around 4-6 months. Hopefully yours is just a late boomer.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/04/2017 12:23

I know what you mean... my DD2 had an awful skin rash, baby acne, cradle cap, and a permanent scowl.

But looking back, I think none of that would've mattered if she hadn't been such hard work with colic etc.

SumThucker · 26/04/2017 12:25

Why comment? Hmm... chat forum?

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 26/04/2017 12:36

Tbh I agree with Sum Thucker. This reminds me of peoples comments on MN when a news reporter said a little girl's death was all the more tragic because she was so pretty (or something to that effect)

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 12:44

Maybe speak to the hv about the possibility of pnd?

I know people like to diagnose pnd for all women with any problem who happens to have had a baby, but because she has eyes and can tell her second child is objectively less attractive than her first, really?

Some babies are cuter than others. You love him, it doesn't mean you aren't bonded just because you don't think they are the most beautiful thing in the world.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 26/04/2017 12:47

My grandmother had issues bonding with my mother.

According to her baby pics my mother was actually an adorable baby. But really dark skinned with black curls.

Her other two children were blond and light...It's sad. My mother was actually mistreated because of it very often as a child (and then suddenly praised when she started looking lighter...)

Sorry, I'm derailing the thread.

Anyhow. I think as long as you do your best...

thecatsarecrazy · 26/04/2017 12:48

My middle son was a funny looking baby but by the age of 1 or 2 he was very cute. My 3rd baby I think is very cute but family other than my mum haven't said anything . They meet him give him a cuddle but don't say anything positive

fanfrickintastic · 26/04/2017 12:48

My DS was not a looker, and I did not think him the most beautiful baby in the world, but he is MY baby and love him sooo much.

I think you may need to talk to someone about you feelings. I don't think you are an awful person though.

Doglikeafox · 26/04/2017 12:56

Hi OP,
My mum was a mother to 5. She had four girls and then lastly my brother, her only boy. DB was an 'ugly' baby. His head was a very odd shape, he had a funny birthmark on his face and he just looked her 'odd'. We laugh at the photos now because DB is now a very normal looking young man.
She suffered with PND with him, after four healthy pregnancys and thinks his looks possibly didn't help her PND.
Speak to your HV, let her know how you feel and she might be able to offer some support... but also find happiness in the knowledge that lots of odd looking babies turn out to be very strapping adults
for you

Xmasbaby11 · 26/04/2017 12:59

Is your ds difficult to look after? Is that affecting your feelings?

xForsythia · 26/04/2017 13:00

ause she has eyes and can tell her second child is objectively less attractive than her first, really? hmm

Yes, really, clever pants.

Being unable to bond with your baby is very common with PND, it doesn't really matter if baby is attractive or ugly. Thinking that your baby is not pretty, and not bonding with him are 2 different things, so it's worth considering.

You can have a fairly ugly baby but still find him the most attractive baby in the world, and be touch by his cuteness.

OP, of course it can change. In my (limited) experience, babies and very young children who are stunning don't grow up very good looking and vice versa. There are also countless examples of people not very good looking who are very attractive, it's not just your face, but your mannerism, you personality. You are not horrible, you are human. Don't beat yourself up.

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 13:03

She hasn't not bonded, she is just worried the bond isn't strong enough because people like you suggest their is something wrong with her (like pnd) because she doesn't think he is the most beautiful baby in the world.

StarlingMurderation · 26/04/2017 13:04

Maybe speak to the hv about the possibility of pnd?

I think it's more that OP is having trouble bonding with her DC, rather than that she can objectively see he's not as cute as her daughter.

FaintlyHopeful · 26/04/2017 13:05

My nephew looked like a potato until about 4- my sister's description, but very apt. He's now 15 and gorgeous, really popular and well adjusted. I think he would have been like this however he turned out though- he was super popular in the potato years and just had a lovely nature. There was something super cute about his wee lumbering ways when he was a toddler- they're all a bit like old people then so he kind of owned it. Anyway- you're not a bad person, I defy anyone to get through adolescence without having such thoughts!

StarlingMurderation · 26/04/2017 13:07

Op doesn't say anyone has suggested there's something wrong with her. She says she feels there's something lacking in her feelings for her son. I think you need to reread the OP, user.

Maudlinmaud · 26/04/2017 13:10

I look back at some of my dcs baby pictures and think oh dear, why did I put that in the album. At the time though I thought they where beautiful. I think you should definitely have a chat with your midwife as it may be an indicator of pnd. How are you in yourself?

Greyponcho · 26/04/2017 13:12

Tbh, it's quite rare that you see a newborn that is Disney cute. They're tiny little things that have been in cramped conditions and then squeezed through a relatively narrow opening to get into this world: it's quite a stressful event for such a little body. It can sometimes seem that different features grow at disproportionate rates (hence the expression of 'growing into' a feature, such as their nose?). One DN was very lumpy headed due to this process and took him a couple of months to grow into it, same with another relative whose DM said "oh dear, he's got my large nose" but sure enough, everything else caught up and he was a little cutie in a short while after.

But all babies are cute, just not all at the same stage. Doesn't mean that you're a bad mum or love him any less

GibraltarRocks · 26/04/2017 13:13

This is something I worry about with my DC, I'm currently pregnant with my first.

I have lovely olive skin, nice thick hair. Even features. DH is awfully pale and his family and him have the thinnest hair going. I worry DC won't look much like me at all. I just want DC to take my colouring.

It really bothers me and is something I think of a lot OP, which sounds so selfish since I struggled to get this pregnancy.

Speak to your Midwife if you have trouble bonding. If not, accept he isn't handsome and concentrate on his good traits. Oh, and ugly men can get drop dead gorgeous women if he turns out to not be on the strapping side

IloveBanff · 26/04/2017 13:14

The OP may not have PND. She may just be extremely shallow and value looks above anything else. After all, it's her and no one else who has said it's her son's looks that have prevented her bonding with him.

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