Has anyone struggled to bond with Baby that isn't cute?

[spottyrabbit]

I feel awful about this. I just don't know what to do about it. My DS is 8mo and while I do love him very much, there's something a bit lacking in my feelings towards him vs my DD when she was a baby. I would look at her and think she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (and still do) With him I just think...oh dear, I hope you improve with age.

Everyone used to tell me how gorgeous she was, literally no-one does with DS, which just reinforces my feelings.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a horrible mum.

[BastardBiscuits]

Dammit didn’t see the zombie warning

[nevermorelenore]

Said baby is 3 years old now so I'm sure they've grown into their looks!

[BastardBiscuits]

My youngest looked like an alien when he was a baby. He had massive ears, massive eyes, a thin face and a massive head ... literally alien shaped. His grandmother used to say “he’s a funny looking thing” and he was lovingly known as “Yoda”.

Now at 19 years old he looks like a male model.

[maras2]

3 year old ZOMBIE THREAD.

[User3627290]

I would speak to your HV about whether it’s possibly PND. It can really interfere with your ability to bond and make things difficult without it being obvious that it’s PND causing it.

[happybunny03]

@Xmasbaby11

Is your ds difficult to look after? Is that affecting your feelings?

This is an interesting point...

My DD2 is not as cute as DD1, who was stranger-stopping gorgeous. DD2 also has acne and a double chin which doesn’t help :/ I keep thinking is because of her lack of relative cuteness that I haven’t bonded with her so well... however thinking about it more deeply, she has really bad reflux and it more irritable than DD1 which is actually impacting the bond. I don’t think her looks would matter to me is she was as easy to look after.

[Wheredidigowrongggggg]

My friend’s baby was a whapping 12 pound ginger and she definitely struggled to bond. It was so sad. My first had a very strange shaped head which looked bizarre but she’s grown into it. She’s very beautiful now. Some of them can look a bit Gollum like can’t they?

I didn’t struggle to bond but did worry about it. If you are struggling, definitely talk to your GP re pnd, so common and absolutely treatable.

[Pulipatchouli]

I had two babies only 13 months apart. The first was super sociable, friendly, cuddly, cute. The second felt impossible to bond with. He glared or cried, hated being cuddled, hated people interacting with him, hated being in a sling, and was generally a complete misery.
I tried SO HARD to bond with him compared to my first.
They are both intelligent, lovely adults now, both completely loveable and wonderful.
But I remember how horribly guilty I felt that first year of his life.
So go easy on yourself xxx

[8319869206anu]

I recently become a mother of 20 days of boy, and i feel the same. He is my first child, and i can't feel the happiness as i Expecting before fiving him birth, everything was normal before delivery i was very excited, and preparing everything ready, but now i cant finf myself intrested in anything not even taking care of him. No one say my child is cute, everyone look stare at him and says nothing or says he'll look good by time, this make me so sad,

[LellyMcKelly]

My daughter looked like an angel from the minute she was born. My son looked like Jimmy Somerville with a massive strawberry birthmark on a head where hair wouldn't grow. In early photos he looks like he's about to launch into 'Small Town Boy'. They grow into their faces. He's got a head of hair that would put Einstein to shame, and the birthmark vanished. They're never going to be supermodels, but heck, they're way better looking that me and their dad!

[GoldStars3]

OP I think it sounds less like you aren't as bonded to him because you don't think he's beautiful, and more like you are doubting your bond with him - despite knowing that you love him and that he's a treasure - because you think your love for him should prevent you from being able to see him objectively?

Let yourself off the hook. It might just be part of feeling less awe and amazement at the whole miracle of life thing, the second time around. If you really feel like you're not bonding then yes, worth considering whether pnd could be playing a role. But if it's only your recognition that he's not a pin-up (yet) that's making you doubt your bond, and the love and protectiveness and enjoyment of him is all there, I don't think you need to worry.

[RhodaBorrocks]

My DS has always been ridiculously gorgeous to the point he's been scouted for modelling several times, but we've declined because he has ASD and high anxiety and believes he's fat and weird looking so won't perform in any way.

I actually wondered 2 things earlier today - 1. How did I manage to produce such an attractive child (I am at best a bit horsey looking, at worst rather masculine in the face) and 2. If I had another what would the likelihood be that they were unfortunately a little more like me?

I was not a pretty baby. DSis was gorgeous. DM loved us both the same although she did have PND with me. DM is a ginger and her DF practically disowned her in the hospital nursery - apparently in a sea of perfect sleeping babies she was the red faced, flame haired frowning thing that all the midwives were laughing at!

[Mumoftwinsandanother]

I think its normal to be aware of how cute/good-looking your baby is. Funnily enough I have 3 kids (2 DDs and 1 DS). 1 of my DDs and the DS were objectively the prettiest looking children, real chubby pretty blond disney babies (still quite good-looking both of them). 1 DD not so much, features slightly disproportionate etc. I bonded with her the best initially, I just felt such a strong protective feeling towards her, I still do.

[HerBluebiro]

Perspicacia oh goodness no dd was not cute. Oh no. Not at all. Now she is.

My heart would burst looking at her. With joy and love and just sheer happiness.

But it wasn't even that she wasn't the most beautiful..... I didn't think she was attractive at all to look at. And she wasn't!

But it's ok. Noone of her parents or aunts/uncles were oil paintings as babies

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

Babies being beautiful to their mothers doesn't mean you look at an "ugly" baby and think it's beautiful (I hate those terms in relation to babies.)

I will try to explain. I love horses. I appreciate the beauty of a show horse. But my ponies are muddy and scruffy but they are beautiful because they are ponies.

My children can be the ugliest, snottiess, uneven featured children in the world but my love makes them beautiful.

As it is, they are all perfectly normal looking children, all with various degrees of brown hair (DS and DD2 blonde/brown like mine, DD1 has dark brown hair like DH) two of them have his grey eyes, one has my brown ones. They all have nice teeth - pleased about that. But they are normal. Good. They are not dolls or princesses or princes. I don't love them because they are beautiful, I love them because they are mine.

OP, your feelings are yours. But they make for a sad thread.

[Funnyonion17]

I think it's normal to notice that your child is or isn't cute. Infact both my kids went through many stages of cuteness and times of looking less so. Odd times i can think of are that inbetween stage with no hair at about 5 months old and definitely when they lose front teeth.

It doesn't change your love for them at all. I'm due number 3 soon and I've had the odd fleeting thought of what if baby isn't cute. But it doesn't really matter does it tbh, baby may become very cute when older or might not be blessed at all with looks. But i will be blessed to have them and love them anyway. After all i know if my DC were disfigured by accident etc my love wouldn't change at all.

[Applebite]

I remember thinking DD was so beautiful that I even sent her pic off to a baby modelling agency

Now I can see that she was bald and had a bit of cradle cap going on and was never going to model anything other than cradle shampoo in the before bit. (She's gorgeous now though, lucky thing got her dad's utterly ridiculous look like falsies eyelashes!)

I think it might be more to do with how you are feeling and how tired you must be than how he looks??

[JoandMax]

I think it would maybe benefit you to talk to someone irl as although so many of us have recognized our babies weren't the most beautiful it didn't relate to a lesser bond. If that's something that is worrying you then definitely focus on it a bit more.

DS1 was a beauty, very smiley and engaged. DS2 was frankly weird! Huge and red and his face always looked a bit wonky..... I remember when he was a few hours old DH and I talking about how he wasn't the most attractive baby. But we both absolutely adored him and felt just as bonded as we had with DS1. He's now 7 and while not conventionally good looking he's got the most amazing smile, it lights up his entire face and is incredibly cute!

[ExConstance]

DS1 was pale and spotty, I was concerned that people might think him ugly when they looked in the pram, but that made me love him all the more. DS2 was huge, flat faced and had ears that folded over, stuck out and were too big for him, same there. They were both fine after a couple of months.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Sometimes the babies that look like an aggravated Winston Churchill after a heavy night on the brandies and cigars, are the cutest in their own way.

[PerspicaciaTick]

It isn't about thinking your baby is the most gorgeous or the most beautiful. The OP doesn't even think he is cute - which is a pretty low bar when you think of gummy smiles and tiny hands.

[HerBluebiro]

There is an oft quoted phrase that every baby is beautiful to their mothers.

This worried me a little. My best friend's daughter was a squished little thing with big noise and ears and her mum found her beyond beautiful. Truly gorgeous so clearly it was true.

Then my daughter came along. I loved her...but..... she wasn't gorgeous. She had a pinched yet double/tripple chin. Salmon patches on both eyes so she looked like she had been thumped. Baby acne and eczema. And her eyes weren't even that big. Objectively she was not beautiful. I took her to baby classes and could see there were other children more beautiful.

I panicked that this meant I hadn't bonded properly. That perhaps I didn't love her as much as I thought because I could see she wasn't gorgeous.

But I did love her. She just wasn't beautiful to look at. And i wasn't blind to it. Her toes and fingers and ears were munchable. Her hard to earn giggles melted my heart. Her hugs now are so soft and gquidgy. I still adore the bones of her. She is less er....unique looking, but I don't think she is destined to be one of life's beauties. But then I'm not.

When she was a baby I feared it meant I didn't love her. Now I know I did and do. Not every mum thinks their child is the definition of gorgeous

[mummabearfoyrbabybears]

This screams of the same thread from yesterday that got deleted. 'I'm pregnant but won't love my baby if it's ugly'. Really stupid and sickening. If your genuine then get help.

[MackerelOfFact]

I do have a bond with him, but it feels a little less strong for not looking at him and finding him beautiful.

But he's still incredible! Look at his little eyelashes, his little toes, the colours of his eyes, the little folds behind his knees, the downy hair at the nape of his neck, his intricate fingerprints. Think of his tiny little skeleton and all his amazing internal organs that are perfect and sustain his life, and enable him to see, hear, think and learn.

YOU made it all inside you. Every little bit. He's amazing! And HE thinks YOU are perfect.

[Gizmo79]

Not really, I guess I know he will end up cute at some point, and he does have a gorgeous smile. He just looks out of sync slightly! I really wouldn't worry too much, my daughter is turning into a stunning looking pre-teen after a few years of looking very scrawny and sallow, they all come into their own.