Has anyone struggled to bond with Baby that isn't cute?

[spottyrabbit]

I feel awful about this. I just don't know what to do about it. My DS is 8mo and while I do love him very much, there's something a bit lacking in my feelings towards him vs my DD when she was a baby. I would look at her and think she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (and still do) With him I just think...oh dear, I hope you improve with age.

Everyone used to tell me how gorgeous she was, literally no-one does with DS, which just reinforces my feelings.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a horrible mum.

[Whatsername17]

My dd's both looked like scrunched versions of a chubby golem when they were born. I never thought they were beautiful. Bonded immediately and live the bones of them though. Dd1 is 5 and beautiful. Dd2 is 14 weeks and golem has developed a beautiful smile.

[ghostyslovesheets]

My middle one was a triangle headed hair yoda baby with very greasy skin - I love her fiercely but she was odd looking - she grew into the mist beautiful toddler and she's 12 now and beautiful and I still love her to bits

Her sisters where both beautiful babies but I lived them equally

I get you OP

[ghostyslovesheets]

Hairy yoda baby - bloody phone - she had a hairy back!

[justinelibertine]

I was born with a cleft lip and palate. My mum refused to look at me for a week. I am ugly. She is still disappointed in me and I'm 33. So yes, I suppose it is for some

[TheRealPooTroll]

I think most of the time when people say babies are cute they are talking about the outfit. There's very little variation in how babies look. Buy some animal onesies with little ears on the hood and the while world will be gushing about how cute he is.

[Maudlinmaud]

Justine that is so cruel of your mother

[spottyrabbit]

@newnoo I don't know why you would ask if I disappointed he's not a girl?!

I think I have explained what my feelings are- that I don't find him beautiful. As I have expressed, the disappointment is in myself for feeling this way rather than in him

[grannytomine]

I had 3 beautiful babies, people were always saying and looking back at photos I still think the same. The 3rd one in particular was particularly lovely and I still laugh when I think of my neighbour coming round to see No 4 and the shock on her face as she tried to think of something to say. He had a difficult delivery which made it even worse for the first couple of weeks as she face was so swollen and bruised and then he had an allergic reaction to the hospital sheets so think of a not very pretty baby looking like he had got 12 rounds with Mohammed Ali with a bad rash to top it off.

Honestly I was so protective of him, I swear it made me bond more strongly with him. If anyone said anything that could be interpreted as negative they had to face a very fierce mum.

He is a lovely looking adult, tall and slim with lovely hair.

Hope you feel the bond, its not all about looks.

[MuvaWifey77]

Sorry but, if your child were ill you would not be worrying about his looks, maybe focus on the good rather than focus on ,well , what you have, don't feel awful about feeling the way you do ,I'm sure it was hard enough posting about it publicly , I'm just trying to shine a light on other things . My friend has her little baby in hospital with a tumor , she would give anything for it to go away. There are far more important things to worry about in life than looks dear. It's a little shallow. Xx

[AbernathysFringe]

Looks-wise I struggle with how much my DD looks like my Exp Gibraltar (who I'm on good terms with but still, can't stand a lot of his family). I'm the only one on both sides with brown eyes and I really wanted her to have them too. With any 'not beautiful' aspect though it sort of makes me love them more! But children's appeal is more to do with personality anyway so when he's a bit older and his personality starts to shine through, the way he looks will be secondary, it's just it's all you've got to go on at the moment.

[spottyrabbit]

Thanks @newnoo sorry I didn't mean to be so defensive

[SilverBirchWithout]

I thought my DS was the most perfect looking baby in the world at the time. Looking back at photos tbh he looked like a knobbly pink potato.

It does sound a bit odd for a DM to think like you do about your DS and his looks, particularly as he is such a smiley chap.
There is a saying 'looks which only a mother could love' which sums up her the majority of people see their own children

Are your opinions and feelings towards other people governed by their looks? Or do you overly worry about others opinions about looks. If so maybe a good head wobble is in order.

[autumnkate]

Op, I could have written your post. When me daughter was born she was covered with black downy hair and looked just like (honestly it was freaky) like my MIL. I was disappointed at how she looked and felt so awful and ashamed about it. She just didn't look like I expected my baby to look, and it took me a few days to get over that.

I also felt guilty about all the attention being taken away from DS1 so maybe some of that is coming into play for you too?

Don't beat yourself up. You will feel differently in a couple of weeks, I'm sure

[autumnkate]

My daughter obviously 🙄

[crunched]

I felt exactly this with my DD1. She looked a little like a suet pudding IME.
This in no way affected my love for her or our ability to bond. I adored her then and now. When I mentioned to my MIL that I disagreed with her comment that DD1 was the "most beautiful baby ever", she turned pale and spoke to DH (her son) privately about my dreadful attitude.
I did wonder if it was me with a problem, but it was just the truth. I found DD2 and DS much more aesthetically attractive but love all three of them unconditionally.

[MdmeShoutalot]

It's not unusual to have different feelings about each child as they're all born in different situations. Your first, you often have much more time to gaze adoringly at your creation. Your second +, you have your first (and more) child to worry about.

If it helps, DD was the ugliest baby who, because of a minor birth mark, perpetually looked as if she was scowling. Obviously I'm biased, but she really is a beautiful teenager.

[StarUtopia]

Ok. So my second was absolutely adorable looking. But I didn't bond with him initially. So I don't think it's about looks.

Also, my friend's baby was horrendous. I mean, personality wise and looks. Really ugly and scowling little thing. Really really hard to warm to her at all. She just cried a lot. Never smiled or giggled.

Fast forward 3 years and she is a gorgeous little girl with blonde curls. Very adorable.

So. How they are as babies isn't necessarily how they will stay.

[Laiste]

Don't beat yourself up OP. You've been brave to try to articulate something which is awkward to admit and sounds bigger than it is when it's all written down. I get that you're not placing massive importance on this but are worrying enough to want to share.

I've got 4 DDs and no.1 was The Most Gorgeous little thing you could imagine. Small (6 and a quarter lbs) delicate, great big clear eyes, fluffy hair, clear skin, long lashes, no redness or rashes even from new born. Calm, almost serene, just lay kicking and looking around all the time. You could have put her photo straight onto a pampers packet. I was very young and not at all ready for motherhood and struggled to bond. Her appearance actually helped me through the hell shock of the first few weeks of reluctant new motherhood. I admit it. Strangers would constantly stop and want to look at her and tell me how lucky i was.

2 years later DD2 arrived. Very much planned. I'd got into the motherhood role and was loving it. DD2 was a 10lb baby and was as red as a beetroot and bald as a coot and did nothing but yell with her eyes and fists screwed up! (I'm laughing as i type this. she's 22 now. gorgeous girl) I was a bit horrified, i'll admit it, and was glad she wasn't my first and was less sensitive to it all. I've got a photo of DD1 at 2 years old holding her new baby sister who was massive and red and DD1 is actually going !

I loved DD2 just the same as DD1 but i did worry that i was being a cow for wishing she was as attractive a baby as DD1 in the first year or so.

Don't fret OP.

[UpYerGansey]

All these things are so variable though aren't they? My dd was a picture-perfect peaches&cream with tons of lovely dark hair pram-stopper of a baby. I had trouble bonding with her initially (terrible birth/post-birth/bf gone wrong/first baby thing into PND situation). All came right in the end.
My second child was without doubt THE most beautiful thing EVER. It was only when I looked back at photos I realise that actually, he looked like a small bald peanut. He's very handsome now though. (Really!)

[JoffreyBaratheon]

All my kids were cute. Only one was a bit weird looking but even that made him lovable.

But I must admit I have a had time bonding with babies of people I know, if they resemble someone else in their family I happen to dislike. That is totally unfair on the baby but yes, if they look like someone I don't like, I will find it harder to feel as affectionate about em.

[spottyrabbit]

Thank you so much for these replies, they're making me feel so much better 😊

[highneeds]

The first thing I wondered when I read your thread was about the possibility of PND. you said there's something lacking in your feelings towards your son. How is your mood otherwise?
You are not a bad person for having these feelings by the way. It is assumed that we will instantly fall in love with our babies and find them stunningly beautiful but it's not always the case. I had PND and I wasn't sure I liked my own son for many many months. Thankfully I was still able to take good care of him but it had me questioning everything about myself and our relationship. Nearly 2 years down the line and I think he's a stunner and brilliant. It just takes longer for some people, doesn't make you a bad person.

[Gizmo79]

My ds2 is 12 weeks and one of the ugliest babies I've come across. However, all my babies initially are pretty weird looking (3 out of 3) but they turn into pretty gorgeous kids. No one says my new lo is cute ever! But I have had compliments about how I make attractive children so give your new one some time.
To be fair- I'm no oil painting so bless the poor little man if he ends up looking like me!

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

DD3 looked like Chairman Mao. She's now a gorgeous and accomplished teenager, with absolutely no desire to become a despot