Has anyone struggled to bond with Baby that isn't cute?

[spottyrabbit]

I feel awful about this. I just don't know what to do about it. My DS is 8mo and while I do love him very much, there's something a bit lacking in my feelings towards him vs my DD when she was a baby. I would look at her and think she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (and still do) With him I just think...oh dear, I hope you improve with age.

Everyone used to tell me how gorgeous she was, literally no-one does with DS, which just reinforces my feelings.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a horrible mum.

[RainbowChasing]

Try not to worry, OP. Firstly, you're not selfish or superficial for not thinking your baby is gorgeous/as gorgeous as your first. You have your opinion and you're entitled to it.
Secondly, I doubt that you haven't bonded as much with him as you'd like- I think it's more that you feel guilt for how you're feeling and that's clouding your judgement.

As far as your baby goes, I have seen many "funny/odd" looking babies over the years and they have all grown into their looks over the years and become lovely looking children. My sister's best friend is absolutely drop dead, head turning gorgeous but she was, by her own admission, a very ugly looking baby. I've seen photos and can vouch for this. Some babies just need to grow into their looks.

[spottyrabbit]

Gizmo does it bother you that you don't think he's cute/that others don't say he is?

I should probably have a more matter-of-fact attitude about it all...

[Cupofteaandtoilet]

I thought my first was the most magically beautiful creation ever and felt a bit smug about having given birth to such a baby. Looking back at the photos she was just an ordinary baby. 15 months later my son arrived and I was still so overwhelmed with our daughter that I had kind of gone off baby looks. Toddlers are often much cuter, with personality shining through (and hair!).

We have hours of (rather boring) video of our daughter, from day one. DS, who was born in mid-October, made his first video appearance on Christmas Day - and then only as an extra 😉 But I loved him very much (and still do!).

As the years have passed they have played tag team with my emotions and I have sometimes favoured one over the other. This is perfectly normal imo, as long as you keep it hidden.

I don't think it is shallow to notice that one child is (currently) more attractive that the other any more than noticing that one is more advanced, sociable, adventurous, affectionate, etc.

Most babies are not gorgeous, but almost all toddlers are.

[Capricorn76]

I'm laughing at the number of posters who claim their kids are gorgeous now they've grown older. Statistically most of them should be at least average looking or below. Goes to show that parents always see the best in their kids.

[ghostyslovesheets]

no I think she actually was a beautiful child!

[highneeds]

Ghostly what a cutey 😍

Agerbilate I've nearly wet myself at the chairman Mao comment!

[Hopelessromantic1988]

People will be diagnosis you with PND but I had this.
My Son was an ugly baby and I didn't bond until he became cuter (around age 3).

[Pigface1]

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with this. You're just not suffering from baby-induced blindness and there's nothing wrong or unusual about that. There is nothing more irritating than parents who proclaim their hideous baby 'the cutest thing in the world' or post photos on Instagram/FB with hashtags like #toocute #canyouhandlethecuteness.

Btw a couple of my friends had a baby who was super ugly, but suddenly got really cute around age 1.

[OhhBetty]

If it helps op my mum said I was the ugliest thing she had ever seen when I was born. Luckily I'm beautiful now

[TheSconeOfStone]

My DD1 was a stunningly beautiful new born (apart from the red blotches on her face, jaundice and ET/tortoise looks due to post birth weight loss). She was genuinely lovely looking from about a year old.

DD2 is less lovely looking but is totally charming and lovable and has an easier life as she does not have ASD like her sister.

Love them and bonded with them just the same.

[user1487175389]

I can see my dcs aren't all equally attractive in the eyes of the world, but in my eyes... I just think they're all bloody gorgeous. It's their imperfections that make them perfect - the folded over bit on dd's ear... the way ds looks like a little grownup sometimes. They're all perfect to me, and dd1 isn't more attractive to me because the world finds her so. My parenting style is turning out to be as egalitarian as my ideals. Good :-)

[Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds]

Couldn't help thinking of this:

The only thing that prevented a father’s love from faltering was the fact that there was in his possession a photograph of himself at the same early age, in which he, too, looked like a homicidal fried egg.
P.G. Wodehouse

[DeleteOrDecay]

I can relate op. I love both my dc so so so much but my second is 'cuter' than my first was at her age. I would never ever say that out loud but I can't pretend I haven't noticed it either. It's just one of those things.

They do grow into their looks though, my first has, honestly

[JustDanceAddict]

Both mine were gorgeous babies and objectively fairly average looking teens, although lovely to me!!

[oldbirdy]

My sons were beautiful newborns and babies. Then I had my daughter. She was born in 20 mins on an antenatal ward late at night. Because it was dark and she was so bruised with the fast delivery I thought her hair went right down to her eyebrows. In fact it was a huge bruise over the whole top of her head, poor thing. It took several days to go and so there are no photos of her first days. She looked like a little troll. She's a pretty wee thing now though. I loved her totally even though I affectionately called her a "funny looking cove" for most of her babyhood.

[spottyrabbit]

Thanks so much for sharing all these stories 😊

@Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds that quote is hilarious!! And so very apt 😉

[Heirhelp]

It is normal to not instantly bond with your baby.

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

Can I ask a question OP? Does DD look like you and DS look nothing like you? Because looking back I realise this was my problem with DD1. She was the exact opposite to me- very fair, blue eyes, very long, with very strong features for a girl, I'm short, very dark brown eyes and hair and have petite features. I also had an EMCS so wonder if that contributed to feelings of "is she really mine?"
I actually kept thinking she wasnt really my baby. I loved her enormously but didn't have that bond your talking about. It did come at around a year old thank goodness.
SheS 26 now, and people are often shocked she's my dd, she's very tall, slim and beautiful, I do look nothing like her but she is very like me personality wise.

DD2 on the other hand is the double of me, I could tell she was mine form the second I saw her and I bonded immediately. I think what's happening to you is more normal than you think and it will get better x

[Livinabarnn]

Did everyone's 'ugly' baby turn into a beauitiful child or adult. Probably not. Beauty can be found in lots of ways, not just aesthetically.

OP your feelings are normal so I would try not to focus on them. You will have to dig deep and remind yourself of what is really important. Many parents have to contend with stares, comments, second glances and even abuse when they have a child who doesn't look typical or is unique due to illness or disability. Now that is testing, not because enough people haven't complimented you on your son's cuteness.

Be strong, love your child and tell yourself you are bonded with your lovely son.

[PerspicaciaTick]

I don't understand how you can adore a baby but not bond with them. I would have assumed that the adoration and bonding are part of the same process.

[spottyrabbit]

Thanks @Livinabarnn you're right.

@IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday actually your question is really interesting. My DD didn't look that much like me as a baby although she does now... i was expecting DS to look just like her for some reason and got quite a shock when he was so different. He doesn't really look like anyone in the family to be honest so, yes, there is a bit of 'where has he come from'. I think that's probably is part of it to be honest...

[spottyrabbit]

@PerspicaciaTick I have explained in some subsequent posts that perhaps my title was badly worded. I do have a bond with him, but it feels a little less strong for not looking at him and finding him beautiful. I know that sounds shallow and terrible. I think it's just because I'm comparing the experience to how I was with DD

[PickledLilly]

My first was very funny looking for the first few weeks, got quite pretty for a while around 1-2 and at 4 is nice but unremarkable. I knew she was properly ugly when she was born though, I remember looking at her and saying dubiously that she'd grow into her face.

My second has got a funny shaped head and big ears but is probably more conventionally 'cute' at the moment but he's still just a baby.

Will be interesting watching them grow, their colouring is completely different!

[kaputt]

This is reminding me of how unbelievably hideous I was as a baby. My mum was properly stunning, and there are a lot of photos of her, looking like brigitte bardot, clasping a red flesh triangle with a gaping mouth, grinning her head off.

She tells me she thought I was beautiful and honestly this cannot be the case. But because she loves me she pretends - and I'm sure you'll be the same OP. But it is true that some babies look weird as hell and you shouldn't be ashamed of admitting it to yourself.

[Funnyface1]

This is interesting because I've seen "ugly" babies (feel awful saying that) and wondered if i would think they were still ugly if they were mine or if i would think they were beautiful because they were mine.

My DS was not great​ at birth, quite swollen but I don't remember it really bothering me and after that he was fine and I thought he was the loveliest thing in the world, bonded really quickly.

My DD is 8 months and we have not bonded as quickly. We're ok now but she had reflux and it's been difficult and I was constantly comparing my feelings for her to my DS at the same age.

She is the most beautiful baby i have ever seen. She genuinely stunning, there's nothing i could imagine anyone wanting to change. She makes me realise that while my DS was lovely, i probably thought he was lovelier because he was mine. Where as EVERYONE seems to agree on dd's beauty.

What I'm trying to say is despite how attractive i find her it didn't help us bond at all. It's been a much slower build so there are all sorts of reasons for these things.