Has anyone struggled to bond with Baby that isn't cute?

[spottyrabbit]

I feel awful about this. I just don't know what to do about it. My DS is 8mo and while I do love him very much, there's something a bit lacking in my feelings towards him vs my DD when she was a baby. I would look at her and think she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (and still do) With him I just think...oh dear, I hope you improve with age.

Everyone used to tell me how gorgeous she was, literally no-one does with DS, which just reinforces my feelings.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like a horrible mum.

[Maudlinmaud]

Yes Banff the op did say that and perhaps it is true but sometimes if you are in a post baby brain fog it's hard to know what is happening. Some people do not recognise the signs of depression for a while. Not saying that is the reason but it's food for thought.

[xForsythia]

it's not being shallow to be realistic about your kids, but again, judging their looks and bonding are 2 different things.

[spottyrabbit]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm feeling fine in myself, I'm happy and really enjoying my mat leave spending time with both of them. I have a great network of mum friends and get out and about everyday.

In terms of his temperament, he's a treasure--a smiley, 'easy' baby.

Perhaps I didn't chose my words well in the title...I do love him so much. I just think it's a bit of a shame that I have these feelings re how he looks, and I really REALLY wish I didn't. I know it is shallow and awful.

[FlyingSquid]

One of mine looked like Gollum, frankly.

He's grown into himself.

[user1493022461]

I just think it's a bit of a shame that I have these feelings re how he looks, and I really REALLY wish I didn't. I know it is shallow and awful

It's perfectly normal! There is nothing wrong with you, just ignore the suggestions that there is.

[spottyrabbit]

Xforsythia yes you're right. Perhaps I'm muddling the two. I guess you'd just expect a mum to find her own baby beautiful? I don't know...

It's really reassuring to read posts from others with similar experiences, so thanks so much for sharing

[2014newme]

One of the women in my post natal group had a really ugly baby. 2 years later she'd vastly improved. Hair and smiling helps

[UppityHumpty]

My neice wasn't a cute baby. Neither was my dd. They are now easily amongst the prettiest girls in their classes. Cute babies don't always make cute kids/adults!

[Believeitornot]

Ok you don't think he's beautiful.

But how do you feel about him?

[Starduke]

I had similar worries with DS2.

From the moment I first held DS1 I fell head over heels in love and thought he was absolutely gorgeous (even now I look back on the photos and think he was gorgeous).

With DS2 I just didn't feel that way. He wasn't gorgeous, and with his baby acne and awful cradle cap he wasn't even that cute . I didn't feel bonded with him, especially when compared to the bond I had with his 2 year old brother.

Both DH and I admitted to each other that although we took care of him etc. we just didn't feel the bond.

Fast forward a few months and we started feeling it. Right around the time he started having a real personality and wasn't just a little baby anymore.

He is now nearly 3 and we have a real bond and I adore him. He is mega cute - in looks and in behaviour.

Funnily enough, we've discovered that different people respond differently to each of our boys. So those people who found DS1 totally gorgeous don't say the same with DS2. But those who never said anything about DS1, say that DS2 is adorable.

I fortunately now feel the same about both of them.

[datestamp12]

My 2 DSs were beautiful babies, but my DSS wasn't, he had a big moon-head which was very flat at the back. He was a really funny looking thing, with kind of Ronald McDonald eyebrows which were awful. Fast forward 14 years and my DSs are fairly average in looks, but my DSS could actually be a model. Funny how things change as they grow up.

Its not a crime to know that one of your children is more attractive than the other, its human. Don't feel bad honestly.

FlyingSquids comment made me laugh!

[heyduggeeallday]

One of mine looked like a tombiloo!!

[DearMrDilkington]

My dd was a very ugly baby. She had blocked tear ducts for a while, so she had this greeny snotty discharged all in her eyes that came back as soon as you cleaned it. She was a very weird looking baby.

She was a very cute baby from around 6months when her body finally caught up with her head size. Now at 4.5yr she's absolutely beautiful, with almost cartoon-like big dark brown eyes.

He'll be alright, let him grow into his features and he'll be lovely.

[Penhacked]

I think it is perfectly possible to see your baby is not traditionally 'beautiful' and yet still love them just as much. It isn't shallow to recognise something that others can also see. It is shallow if you like or love them less for it though.

[spottyrabbit]

@Believeitornot I love him so very much. It's not that I don't love him because i don't think he's beautiful...it just that it feels like a slightly different experience than with DD because of that. I don't know, I don't think I'm explaining it very well

[spottyrabbit]

@newnoo no, it's not that I gain self-esteem from what others say...it's just that it reinforces the feelings I already have.

I also say to the mum/dad of any baby I meet that they are gorgeous, I thought most people did out of politeness, so it stings a bit when literally no-one does with DS

[Level75]

My sister looked like a weird ugly frog as a baby/small child (all features). As an adult she's gorgeous - those froggy features turned into huge eyes and lips (in a good way).
I'd be the same as you if I had an ugly DC2. DC1 (and only 1) is objectively cute and I know I'd be disappointed if a second wasn't. It's not the sort of thing you can admit publicly but it's human nature.

[squoosh]

Stop placing so much importance on a baby's looks and on how many compliments each child gets for their appearance. You say he's a treasure personality wise so focus on that!

[spottyrabbit]

Haha thanks @Level75 Glad to know you think the feeling are normal

[spottyrabbit]

Yes I do know that swoosh, and that's why I'm happy, adore him and having a great time with him on mat leave. But I can't deny the feelings are there

[squoosh]

Well maybe he'll be plain as an adult too. It happens. Or maybe he'll be gorgeous. And maybe your daughter will lose her looks, so you can balance your disappointment at a later date...

[Polly1977]

If it's any help OP my brother and my cousin were very strange babies! I think it's because they had big features that didn't suit a baby face. Now they are both tall, very handsome men! My cousin particularly is a total womaniser!

On another note though - I have 2 kids, a boy and girl, and whilst I love them both to the ends of the earth, I do have a closer bond with my daughter... I'm not sure why - we just have a complete understanding of each other, whereas my husband is probably closer to my son. So I think it is possible to be naturally closer to one child, but it doesn't make you a bad person.