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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Niece is 16 and going out with a 20 yr old. AIBU to be concerned?

134 replies

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 11:19

My niece is 16. A really sweet girl who is doing well in school and is bright and popular. She's started seeing a guy who's 20 almost 21. I've met him a few times and he seems nice, works full time and I think treats her well. I don't know if they're having sex yet and don't want to push her away by asking.

He's also a bit of a party guy according to some people (small town gossip grin) but nothing really bad.

I look out for her and I just feel a bit concerned with the age gap. She's not very experienced and is mature in some ways but I think quite naive in others. She's planning to study at uni next year and I don't want anything to put her off. When I was her age I was hanging out with older blokes, bunking off, drinking etc and I don't want her to mess up like I did. Her mum (my sister) has asked me what I think and I honestly don't know?

Would it bother you and what, if anything should I say or do?

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbia · 27/04/2017 09:55

My friend was dating a 30yr old when she was 18. We were pretty uncomfortable with it but nothing we could say would change things and her parents were happy she was seeing someone with a good job and wage.

She had a really messed up home life and had had boyfriends who'd treated her badly before him. However, they've been married for years now and are happy. He was better for her than her parents.

GreatFuckability · 27/04/2017 10:13

you want xxxx, you don't want her to do xxxx, you did xxxx wrong and don't want her making the same mistakes.

She isn't you.

she's her own person with her own life.

My boyfriend when i was 16 was 28. He helped me study, he helped me eat in fact as I had no one and I was skint. He quite literally saved my life in lots of ways. We split up when i was 20, but he is still one of my closest friends.

she's 16, she needs to live her own life.

happypoobum · 27/04/2017 10:43

I can't see the big deal at all here.

16 year old girls are probably at a similar maturity level to 20 year old boys tbh. I dated a 19 year old when I was 15 - no issues at all and we are still friends nearly 40 years later.

She is just as likely to be having sex with a 16 year old boyfriend as a 20 year old - it's all perfectly normal and legal.

You say he treats her well and seems to adore her. I would have thought that was far more important than a four year age gap.

Railgunner1 · 27/04/2017 11:29

depends what the 20yo does.
a student or a soldier -- good
working -- good as well
nothing, just a party boy -- he's a loser

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 27/04/2017 11:31

Not all unemployed people are losers.

Railgunner1 · 27/04/2017 11:34

there is a difference between unemploed at a moment and doing nothing

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 27/04/2017 11:40

I met my DP at 17 and he was 25. Still together 16yrs later with a house and child.
For us there was nothing to worry about. HOWEVER, not sure I would want DD to have a similar gap at that age even though it worked for her parents.

I would just keep an eye out and maybe try getting to know him a bit more by inviting them round for dinners etc. Don't push it or get too overly envolved as you could push her away from you

Girlsinthegarden · 27/04/2017 11:43

I went out with older boys at that age, as did my friends. When I got to their ages I realised how odd it was and that I wouldn't respect any male friends who did the same and none of them did have young girlfriends.

The common denominator for the older boys I dated was that they were a bit immature and, quite frankly, wouldn't have been able to get anyone their own age who was bright, ambitious etc.

Would your niece be interested in the same man when she's twenty and more aware of her own strengths and of the world around her? I suspect not.

I think an age gap of a 20 year old and 30 year old wouldn't be strange but someone who is just leaving childhood with someone who has a lot more experience of the world is very odd.

nInachu · 27/04/2017 11:43

Well the only thing I'd be concerned about is her choosing her uni location based on him, she should choose it based on what she wants to study and how good the place is.

Notso · 27/04/2017 11:54

When I started going out with DH he was 20, I was 17. He turned 21 a month or so later.
Nearly 20 years on we are married with 4 DC. He is amazing and I live him. However I did have DC1 at 19 and never followed through with plans for university.

BillywigSting · 27/04/2017 12:01

I met dp when I was 16 and he was 20 (nearly 21). Ten years later we have a wonderful ds who is 3, both followed through with our education and have quite frankly a fantastic life.

My aunt had concerns and asked if I was having sex. I was absolutely mortified.

Thankfully my mum saw that I was quite capable of handling myself and while I'm sure she kept an eye on me she didn't interfere (except to provide some contraception, which was very helpful as we were both skint!)

Roomster101 · 27/04/2017 12:05

I might be concerned but it depends a lot on both personalities and while you know her you don't really know him. The most important thing is that she is using very reliable contraception and your sister should be making sure of this.

YouFlippinWhat · 27/04/2017 12:27

She is just as likely to be having sex with a 16 year old boyfriend as a 20 year old

This. As if 16-year-old boys going out with 16-year-old girls aren't as one-track-minded about sex as 20-year-old guys. Actually a 20 year old is gonna be more mature and more likely to be safe and respectful about it all than a 16 year old, in my opinion.

Mulledwine1 · 27/04/2017 12:29

I went out with/had flings with 26 year olds when I was 19. I'd have gone out with a 20 year old at 16 given half a chance.

lemureyes · 27/04/2017 12:45

I am 20 and honestly it makes me feel sick at the thought of going out with a 16 year old.
My brother is 18 and is with a soon-to-be 16 year old. He's a little immature but he hasn't been pestering her for sex which I am very glad about, I think it just depends on the couple. Saying that I wouldn't like my daughters going out with older men.

happypoobum · 27/04/2017 12:48

lemur

So a three year age gap like your DB has is OK, but a four year age gap isn't?

And your brother is going out with someone under age, whereas the 16 year old isn't under age.

I don't understand some of the logic here.

smallchanceofrain · 27/04/2017 13:00

I think whether it's okay depends on whether it's an equal relationship and he treats her well - as opposed to their ages. I would be okay with it for my DD, but not with the going out drinking on school nights. He would get regular dinner invites and a proper grilling!

It sounds like you are right to be cautious until you are confident he's not exercising control over her or trying to influence her decisions. It's one of those situations where all you can do is play along, keep them close and be ready to step in if it starts to go wrong.

OH will probably scare off boyfriends until DD is at least 25. I'm more laid back about it, probably because I had a 26 year year old boyfriend when I was 17 and it did me no harm at all.

lemureyes · 27/04/2017 13:00

It's a complicated subject. It completely depends on the couple.

I meant that I wouldn't like my daughters going out with older men but I wouldn't forbid it, after all that's how many people find long term partners. I never said it wasn't OK.

specialsubject · 27/04/2017 13:11

Sounds like your instincts are telling you something, op. She is 16 and so is out drinking underage. Risk of stuffing up that one and only chance of education.

GreatFuckability · 27/04/2017 13:15

'one and only chance at education'?

there are plenty of other ways to get an education than going to uni straight from school, you know that right??

specialsubject · 27/04/2017 13:21

She is still at school and you only get one go at that. However arsey you are.

milliemolliemou · 27/04/2017 13:28

I'm sure there are thousands of happily married couples who met when she was 14 and he 18 or she 19 and he 40, and they're still together after x years. Good luck to them, well done. My parents were 17 and 28.

I don't think that's OP's point. Clearly the relationship is legal, the young man is in work. I was in a similar situation but was never going to give up uni/change uni to be with that boyfriend. I think that's the mistake OP thinks her niece might make.

The point is that she may waver in her plans for uni, is going out drinking on school nights etc. It's not OP's direct problem but she feels for her niece because OP has not done as well as she might because of whatever.

Clearly it's up to her niece's mum. As OP all I'd be doing is inviting them round for supper/Sunday lunch/walks or whatever and assessing the situation from there. Or getting her sister to do so with OP along. And make sure the niece feels she can talk to her at any stage as a listening post.

YouFlippinWhat · 27/04/2017 13:30

She is still at school and you only get one go at that. However arsey you are

Lots of people have a bf/gf and still go to school though... Confused

Curious2468 · 27/04/2017 13:52

If she is 16 but looking at uni for next year is she almost 17? It doesn't sound like a huge age gap to me and she sounds old enough to make her own choices.

motherinferior · 27/04/2017 14:18

My DD1 is 16. I appear to be in a minority because I would be very bloody alarmed if she started going out with an adult. Which is what 20year olds are. If she started seeing someone who was in his 30s I would be losing sleep over it.

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