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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Niece is 16 and going out with a 20 yr old. AIBU to be concerned?

134 replies

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 11:19

My niece is 16. A really sweet girl who is doing well in school and is bright and popular. She's started seeing a guy who's 20 almost 21. I've met him a few times and he seems nice, works full time and I think treats her well. I don't know if they're having sex yet and don't want to push her away by asking.

He's also a bit of a party guy according to some people (small town gossip grin) but nothing really bad.

I look out for her and I just feel a bit concerned with the age gap. She's not very experienced and is mature in some ways but I think quite naive in others. She's planning to study at uni next year and I don't want anything to put her off. When I was her age I was hanging out with older blokes, bunking off, drinking etc and I don't want her to mess up like I did. Her mum (my sister) has asked me what I think and I honestly don't know?

Would it bother you and what, if anything should I say or do?

OP posts:
Original poster
YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:11

I know monkey and I'm not anti drink/soft drugs by any stretch but mid school week is not the time and ideally 16 is not the age.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 26/04/2017 13:12

I think the leaving education young and staying put would concern me too. But that could be part of the conversation - that his life choices are right for him, but they shouldn't impact her horizons.

A friend of mine had a similar bf at 15 and it didn't stop her doing economics at Cambridge, travelling the world, and going on to a very successful career.

The most important thing is that she doesn't get knocked up, which is why the contraception discussion is so important.

GibraltarRocks · 26/04/2017 13:16

The most important thing is that she doesn't get knocked up, which is why the contraception discussion is so important

Hmm
expatinscotland · 26/04/2017 13:17

Meh, can't see the big deal here.

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2017 13:18

I can't see the point in getting involve in nieces and nephews lives like this.

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/04/2017 13:19

What is his job?

UppityHumpty · 26/04/2017 13:20

They are both legal. Wouldn't bother me.

Level75 · 26/04/2017 13:21

I started seeing my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 20 (and having sex). I chose my university entirely based on where he lived and he influenced the degree I chose - no regrets either way. I agree with those who have said it depends on the individual but as a general rule girls are more mature than boys. We've been together 22 years now.

Original poster
YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:22

We live in each other's pockets round here sparkling I care for her like she's my little sister.

He works for his dad's decorating company. Steady work and full time.

OP posts:
thetemptationofchocolate · 26/04/2017 13:24

I have been with my DP for 35 years, we first started seeing each other when I was 16 and at school, he was 21 and working.
Personally I don't see a problem with the age gap, it certainly becomes less of an issue as the couple ages.

OvertiredandConfused · 26/04/2017 13:25

I dated a succession of guys 4-5 years older than me between the ages of 15 and 18. We were all involved in the same social group.

In retrospect, one took advantage of the age gap and was quite controlling, boardline abusive, but the others were equal and respectful relationships. Thirty years later, I'm still friends with a couple of them.

I still went to Uni, moved away etc

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2017 13:26

I wouldn't like that OP, I want to parent my own children. It's one thing caring for them but this is a bit more than that isn't it? You need to be mindful of not interfering.

When your DS grows up a bit would you welcome input from your sister regarding his life? Would you be ok with her posting on MN about him?

PUGaLUGS · 26/04/2017 13:26

I was 16 when I met DH who was 21.

I am now 52 and we are still together.

Giddyaunt18 · 26/04/2017 13:27

I would be concerned.I have a 16 year old DD. My main concern is with him. Why is a 21 year old interested in a 16 yr old?

Original poster
YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:29

Ok, point taken Blush.
We are very close as a family and due to my own fuck ups my son has been partly raised by my mum and sister whilst I sorted myself out. Boundaries when it comes to raising each other's children are a bit blurred.
I'll back off and try not to get over invested in this.

OP posts:
RebeccatheOld · 26/04/2017 13:32

OP you sound like a great aunt, and I bet your niece really values your relationship. I am not close to my aunts/uncles etc. due to distance but I really wish I'd had someone like you to talk to. I think you'd be fine to talk to her about sex, by the way. Not necessarily the have you/haven't you conversation, but in a helpful 'these are the contraception options' sort of way.

amusedbush · 26/04/2017 13:39

When I was just turned 17, I started going out with a 22 year old. He was a lovely guy, we were together for three years and he was a virgin when we met I soon saw to that though

It's not always the older guy leading the young girl astray. I asked him out and I initiated the first time we had sex.

Original poster
YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:39

Thanks Rebecca. I want to be a good aunt and keep the communication roads open. I won't go steaming in there with the sex question as if everything else is ok in their relationship the sex part wouldn't actually bother me (her mum a different attitude). I just want her to be happy, respected and I'm charge of her future.

OP posts:
YouBloodyWhat · 26/04/2017 13:44

My main concern is with him. Why is a 21 year old interested in a 16 yr old?

I don't get this argument. Why shouldn't he be? If you've raised a good person, then why shouldn't somebody be interested in her? Just because she's at school and he's not?

Two of my best friends are in 10-year+ marriages with men who are four years older than them, who they got together with when they were 15 and 16 respectively. Plus all the examples already given in this thread. Clearly it's not a big problem.

Giddyaunt18 · 26/04/2017 13:48

I just think a 16 year old is still a child regardless of legal age of consent.

littlepeas · 26/04/2017 13:48

I was 17 when I met my dh and he was 22. I think that from an age gap point of view, it is probably fine - we are still together and happy 17 years later, just realised that means I have spent half of my life with him!! It did negatively affect my uni plans though - I regret this - I would advise her to carry on as if she hadn't met him. I still have a degree, but is not the one I would have had if I'd continued as planned.

mndad · 26/04/2017 13:52

When I was 23 I met a 16 year old and we hit it off. I was scared people would think she was too young so I never asked her out, but I could tell she liked me the same way I liked her. She was super intelligent, mature, kind, and beautiful.

We stayed around the same circles for the next few years and my feelings toward her never changed. When she was 18 (and I was 25) I finally asked her out.

And we've been together ever since (12 years now). She finished college and went off to uni, and the fact that I had a full time job already affected nothing. The fact that I liked to party at weekends and she almost never drinks affected nothing. The fact that she was a virgin at the time and I was not also was not a problem for either of us. I have never used any "power" over her to abuse her.

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 13:59

I don't get the impression you're interfering OP. Your sister asked you your view and you weren't sure so you asked for opinions here.

I'd be really chuffed if my sister did that for me.

user1487941567 · 27/04/2017 08:19

Tbh I think I'd rather my 16yo found a person who is a bit older but seems mature, looks after her and has a steady job which demonstrates responsibility, than some oik her own age who mills about the local McDonald's on his pushbike spending his pocket money on fries.

babybubblescomingsoon · 27/04/2017 09:41

I'm 20 and I can't imagine being with someone who is 16. I know it 10 years it won't be too much of a difference but 16 and 20 are very different in terms of maturity. I'm a completely different person to who I was nearly 5 years ago, I was incredibly naïve.