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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Niece is 16 and going out with a 20 yr old. AIBU to be concerned?

134 replies

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 11:19

My niece is 16. A really sweet girl who is doing well in school and is bright and popular. She's started seeing a guy who's 20 almost 21. I've met him a few times and he seems nice, works full time and I think treats her well. I don't know if they're having sex yet and don't want to push her away by asking.

He's also a bit of a party guy according to some people (small town gossip grin) but nothing really bad.

I look out for her and I just feel a bit concerned with the age gap. She's not very experienced and is mature in some ways but I think quite naive in others. She's planning to study at uni next year and I don't want anything to put her off. When I was her age I was hanging out with older blokes, bunking off, drinking etc and I don't want her to mess up like I did. Her mum (my sister) has asked me what I think and I honestly don't know?

Would it bother you and what, if anything should I say or do?

OP posts:

Florida28 · 26/04/2017 12:41

My first relationship started at 14 and ended at 20. He was 4 years older than me. My 2nd relationship started at 21 and continues to this day, 13 years later. He's 17 years older than me I was a mature teen and guys my age just seemed so immature. My mum was fine with it, my dad & brother thought I was an ego boast for him I have an aunt I could talk to about everything and anything. Don't push for info just make sure your niece knows you're there for her always.

GibraltarRocks · 26/04/2017 12:43

Meh, DH was 24 when I met him at 17 (almost 18).

He is an amazing man and I was a working woman who'd already rented her own home. I guess that could have made a difference as I was incredibly grown up.

I would be a bit about a DD/DN of 16 dating a 20 year old as I would question his intentions if he is a grown 20 year old and she only 16, very young at heart, with no real life experience.

I don't know her OP , maybe she is very grown up.

nannybeach · 26/04/2017 12:45

Adult going out with a child! hardly, she is the age of (sexual) consent. Girls mature several years earlier than boys, so probably makes it even.

lotusbomb · 26/04/2017 12:51

As unpopular as it might be, I disagree about asking about sex. Lots of threads pop up on here about experiences with older men when they were younger that were seeming normal but as you get older and understand more about sex and intimacy, the retrospective picture might not be so pretty. It goes without saying that not all older men are manipulative or overly persuasive in that regard but having that conversation about boundaries, comfort zones, etc etc can only be a good thing. I'm not saying come out right and say "are you?", I'm saying don't assume that she or both of them are clear on everything.

It goes with out saying that not all older men with younger girlfriends are predators or manipulators, It just worried me when posters automatically say "s/hes 16, its legal, its not your business etc etc" when actually, opening up that dialogue can be very healthy. It's not all about precautions, contraception etc which we assume young people are well versed in by that age. Sometimes they're not, as clued up as we think and sometimes they need an adult to initiate the conversation first to let them know it's ok to talk about, regardless of how mature they may be.

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 12:51

I'm a lot younger than my sister and I think she's just a bit uncomfortable talking to her daughter about stuff like that. She's quite uptight about sex!

This is the only problem I can really see here. It's a parent's job to educate about sex and relationships and your sis really needs to step up and talk to her daughter about consent issues, the pros and cons of different contraception, pregnancy etc. And not leave her to muddle through herself. Teens for all apparent maturity are not experienced with any of that.

lotusbomb · 26/04/2017 12:53

Oops! didn't realise I'd repeated myself in my post, 5 year old distracting me

WannaBe · 26/04/2017 12:53

Growing up relationships with older boys was far more the norm IMO and the reason was generally that boys were considered more immature than girls hence why girls wanted to go out with older boys and vice versa.

All my first boyfriends were older than me by at least three years, and at fifteen I went out with a twenty year old. I got the impression his mum wasn't overly impressed but she welcomed me into their home, invited me for lunch and for weekends (I was at boarding school and he lived locally) We broke up just over a year later because I grew up and he didn't. And to the best of my knowledge he has never had another girlfriend since.

Interestingly I never lost my virginity until I was 21 almost 22.

People talk about coercion as if age is the only factor whereas in reality personality is the only factor. Someone who would coerce and control a sixteen year old would do similar to a twenty year old, so it's about the person not the age.

Four/five years is nothing IMO.

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 12:57

It's not all about precautions, contraception etc which we assume young people are well versed in by that age. Sometimes they're not as clued up as we think.

They're not though in reality ime. There's a big difference between knowing hypothetically how something works and having experience of using it. And also having someone to ask questions that crop up along the way.

I agree that the mother should talk to DD.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 26/04/2017 12:58

I had a relationship with a 28-29 yo man when I was 19.

It was really great for my self-esteem. Because unlike the jerk before him he respected me, didn't make me ashamed of my sexuality, was kind and just all around great.

Now, I agree that there 3 years between 16 and 19 are quite a lot...But still. It was quite an age gap.

If he treats her well, seems happy etc...? I think that's great.

And more importantly? I don't think it matters all that much whether they have sex. It's legal. And relationships can be abusive and horribly one-sided even if the couple doesn't have intercourse, right?

But just making it very clear that you're always there for her (and making sure she knows about contraception) is a great idea imo.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2017 12:59

My friend was 15 when she started dating a 21 year old. They married when she was 21 and are now divorced but she's said if her parents hadn't tried so hard to break them up they would probably have fizzled out..

I had interference with a same aged relationship and it didn't end well.

Be a listening ear but only give advice if she specifically asks.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/04/2017 13:00

My first love at 16 was a 20 year old and it was fine. Yes we had sex but it was mutual and respectful (if a bit crap looking back as we were both virgins!) .

Maturity wise I was ahead of my male peers and he was behind his female ones as is usually the case so we met in the middle and it was fine.

All you can do is keep an eye out for any worrying behaviour, which it doesnt sound like there is, and let her know that she can talk to you about anything. Teach her to respect herself and not to be pushed into anything she doesnt want to do, no means no even if he is her boyfriend (wish someone had told me that, would have saved me a lot of pain from a later BF, who was the same age as me incidentally). Trying to break them up will push them closer together. Chances are, if they do make it until she leaves for Uni they wont survive her being there, many many "home" relationships founder when one or both go off to Uni. Mine did and so did many others of my school mates.

wheresthel1ght · 26/04/2017 13:00

I was dating a 22 year old when I was 16. He was lovely, treated me like I was the most important thing in the world, was harder on me than my folks about making sure my school work was done before we went on dates. Yes he took me drinking, but I had been doing that for a while with my mates (and my parents consent) for a while anyways. We dated for about a year and he never once pressured me into sex. I wasn't ready for that sort of relationship and he respected that.

We broke up for a number of reasons and none were to do with the age gap or sex. We remain firm friends even now although living at opposite ends of the country we speak regularly thanks to facebook.

A boy of her own age with designs on uni would also have the discussion about going to uni together so I don't think that is a red flag in the slightest to be honest.

From what you have said he seems nice, you are naturally protective and if you look for the worst case then you will always find signs/hints of it. Trust that your niece has listened to the Aunty Jesse warnings and is sensible.

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 13:00

This is all true. However, older boys are more likely to expect sex in a relationship. There's a different dynamic than, say, two inexperienced 16 discovering sex together.

Screwinthetuna · 26/04/2017 13:01

I think that's fine. He's probably quite immature and she's legal.

Benedikte2 · 26/04/2017 13:01

OP sounds like the Boy friend didn't go to uni -- did he have tertiary ed of some other kind etc? It would be so easy for him to persuade your DN that uni is not necessary, a waste of time etc

lotusbomb · 26/04/2017 13:01

They're not though in reality ime. There's a big difference between knowing hypothetically how something works and having experience of using it.
That is the point i was trying to make. People think that because there are PSHE classes at school and the internet exist, teenagers know what they need to know. Far too many of them don't though.

Original poster

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:04

I might show this thread to my sister (and hide my username!) I agree she needs to be more open with her daughter. I think I'm worried because I've made some bad life choices but that's got to be personalities and I think she's got her shit together at 16.

I'll just keep being a close aunt and try to see it as not different from a relationship with someone her own age.

OP posts:

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 13:04

That is the point i was trying to make

I know, I was agreeing with you. The 'though' in my sentence was not supposed to be there.

Headofthehive55 · 26/04/2017 13:05

I think maturitywise boys are two - three years behind girls at that age.

I had older boyfriends when I was in sixth form. I used to make them walk to work / bus so I could drive their cars to school!

Original poster

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:06

No he didn't go to uni, left school before a levels and has never left the small down he grew up in. That's what worries me. I want her to travel, study and experience life outside of this little bubble. I can see him putting her off doing this.

OP posts:

NancyWake · 26/04/2017 13:07

I've made some terribly life choices OP, I consider it means I'm good at advising what not to do.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 26/04/2017 13:08

At 16 I was dating a 20 year old bloke for a while (we had flirted with each other since I was 14 but he was too scared of my dad to ask me out). We didn't have a proper relationship though - we went out to the cinema and kissed a lot but it never went any further than kissing. He never tried anything and I never instigated it. I just thought he was a bit of a catch because he was older and had a car

However by 17 I was in a sexual relationship with a married 30 year old man so I'm not the best advert.

Original poster

YoJesse · 26/04/2017 13:08

I sound like her mum now. I just didn't do a lot of stuff because I got caught up drifting around with older guys and ended up not living up to my own potential. I want more for her and eventually more forbmybown son.

OP posts:

pinkhorse · 26/04/2017 13:09

My mum was 16 when she got with my dad who was 22. They've been married 36 years this year.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 26/04/2017 13:10

Most 20 year old guys are "party guys "

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