Niece is 16 and going out with a 20 yr old. AIBU to be concerned?

[YoJesse]

My niece is 16. A really sweet girl who is doing well in school and is bright and popular. She's started seeing a guy who's 20 almost 21. I've met him a few times and he seems nice, works full time and I think treats her well. I don't know if they're having sex yet and don't want to push her away by asking.

He's also a bit of a party guy according to some people (small town gossip grin) but nothing really bad.

I look out for her and I just feel a bit concerned with the age gap. She's not very experienced and is mature in some ways but I think quite naive in others. She's planning to study at uni next year and I don't want anything to put her off. When I was her age I was hanging out with older blokes, bunking off, drinking etc and I don't want her to mess up like I did. Her mum (my sister) has asked me what I think and I honestly don't know?

Would it bother you and what, if anything should I say or do?

It's 4 years age diffrence, at 16 & 20 it wouldn't bother me too much I'd just want my dd & ds to pick someone nice! Also at 16 I think she can pick her own boyfriends, she will regardless of if you like him or not

Loads of these lately. Another thread earlier this morning and boy was 14 his girlfriend was 18 and many posters thought that was ok as the 18 may be young for her age despite the boy being 14

Was that the deleted one Pink?

A thread from 2013 has also been resurrected.

When I was 18 I was dating a 29-year-old. He treated me much better than my friends' 18-year-old boyfriends. We split up after a couple of years (not because of the age gap) and only then did I realise my Mum and Dad had been flat-out panicking all along! I'm so glad they didn't say anything, because as a bolshy, know-it-all teen I'd have probably picked him over them!

What was the general consensus on the other ages threads? I'm really stuck on this one because I'm usual really laid back about stuff like this. I just think she's a really bright girl and I don't want anything getting in the way of her future.

I just read it, i didn't comment on it so wouldn't of seen a deletion message so I'm not sure if that one was deleted

My mum was married to my 19 year old dad at that age

They'd have probably been completely hypocritical though if I'd have gone out with a boy of that age though, do as I say, not as I do...

If he was nice I'd be ok with it.

If she's happy, it's fine. Just let her know you're there if you need her. Unlike her stuffy, fuddy duddy mum.

At 15 I was dating a guy who was 19 (told my parents he was 18 until we had been together two years, by then they all liked him). I was a little bit of a rebel when I met him, drinking in parks, smoking etc. When I got with him that all changed, he didn't drink so we would spend weekends in the cinema or bowling. We were together 7 years, simply outgrown each other. Just because he's older does not always mean its a bad thing.

I met my husband when I was 16. He was 31. Never pressured me into anything, except to do well in my A levels and go to university. My parents were accepting of him and if they had concerns ever they didn't mention them to me.

We are 40 and 55 now, have loads of kids and are very happy together

My niece is 16. A really sweet girl who is doing well in school and is bright and popular. She's started seeing a guy who's 20 almost 21.

That'll be my DS.
Actually, probably not as he is a student.
The lass (whom he started dated when she was 15) is very bright - but he helps her with her Maths homework and she has progressed loads in Science since they started dating.
We don't see much of them as she lives in the town where he attends Uni.... we can only talk to him about "responsibility" and the importance of finishing their studies (both of them) ....... but more than that depends on them not us. Her parents don't seem fussed, but they are 10-15 years younger than us i.e. had kids in their early 20s rather than their mid 30s - if she goes to Uni she'll be the first in her family - her older brother is 18 and will be leaving school this summer.

So, OP, you can only keep the channels of communication open and hope for the best.

Depends on the guy. My DD went out with a 21 year old when she was 17. He was pretty young for his age and she ran rings around him and treated him quite shabbily. (She is sorry for it now she has grown up a bit).

But some of her friends went out with older, inadequate guys who picked a younger girl to try to control her. DD's best friend had a relationship with a really nasty jealous lad who tried to change everything about her.

Hmm. I would not be happy. She shouldn't be out drinking on school nights when she's 16.

I'd be for having him round for dinner and 'reminding' him in whatever manner I thought would have most effect that she's still at school and under-age for drinking.

I'd be encouraging her to continue to do lots of things with her friends too.

Wouldn't you rather her going out with someone who

1. Works
2. Treats her well
3. Seems ready to be interrogated by the Aunt!

Rather than someone younger who has no job, treats her like crap and has no intention of working. She's 16 and can be easily pushed away if you interfere.

My boyfriend was 21 when I was sixteen. We were together for 2 years.

Then I met my now DH who was ten years older than me at 18.

I have always preferred older men.

I went out with a 19 year old when I was 14. My mum and dad were fine with it though my dad warned me about "teenage boys" which I found excruciating! My mum knew him.
I really liked him and it was very innocent, there was no attempt to pressure me into anything at all.
Funnily enough, it was me that broke it off as I felt the age gap was too big! I then met him again just before I turned 18.
Reader, I married him.
(Sadly, after 15 years, we split up but I look back on it all with great fondness. I truly loved him.)

I struggle to think that there can't be some kind of power imbalance even though he seems very nice. If he can drive, supply alcohol, has more money due to working ft etc then that puts him quite literally in the driving seat in my mind. It's whether he chooses to abuse that or not.

The age isn't really the issue. It's whether it's a healthy relationship and they're being responsible/careful and respectful.

All you can do is help them understand that without being overbearing.

@Kobeita

So your son was 19/20 and dating a 15 year old?

I went out with a 19yo when I was 16. He had a full time job, although the power balance definitely lent towards me, he would have done anything I wanted him to. My friend went out with his friend too, it wasn't uncommon in our sixth form to have a boyfriend a few years older.

We never went drinking though - that's the most concerning part.

Yesterday at work I met a very youthful 87 year old, I really couldn't believe he was that old. He then told me his wife was 52 and they were very happily married, and had been for "over 30 years" , so, since she was 22 and he was 57. Amazing.

OP I recall when I was 17 the 19 year old boys did seem more sophisticated and mature than the 17 and 18 year old ones, and that when I went to uni the third year boys felt way too old to date. That said if they are happy and get on well I wouldn't see a problem with a 4 year gap - if she is going to uni next year I would imagine she is nearly 17 anyway.

I was 16 when I met someone who was 19

He's my husband now. I think it sounds worse because it starts with a 2. But if she's mature and sensible and he's nice, I don't see too much wrong really

I went out with a 21 year old when I was 16. No pressure from him to take the relationship further, in fact, he was the one who insisted we wait. Married him a few years later and are still happy almost 40 years later. As long as he is not pushing her to go further than she is comfortable with, I'd just keep an eye on things from a distance.

@AsthmaQ
"So your son was 19/20 and dating a 15 year old?"

Yup (just done a bit of counting on my fingers), that's right. He's quite young for his age whereas she seems quite mature so there was a kind of meeting point at 17: her up and him down.
My OH read him the riot act about her being underage and how we didn't want to be called to the police station to bail him out - how he must always get her parents' permission before taking her anywhere, and that if there was trouble it'd be big trouble and would all fall back on him because he was legally an adult and she wasn't.
She turns 17 in the summer and they are still together.
His first relationship as far as I know: they met online through mutual friends and corresponded for a while.... before he moved to Uni in her home town. It's different from the OP's niece in that my DS also has to study and although he has an allowance for food, rent and travelling expenses he is not earning.

I struggle to think that there can't be some kind of power imbalance even though he seems very nice. If he can drive, supply alcohol, has more money due to working ft etc then that puts him quite literally in the driving seat in my mind. It's whether he chooses to abuse that or not.

I agree, but that kind of power imbalance exists between most men and most women, anyway.

As long as she lives with her parents and has their support, I don't think there's reason to worry. She's not dependent on him, financially, and I suppose if she wants to go somewhere she can't reach by bus or train, her parents or aunt would drive her there if it is in any way feasible.

If you are worried she could do the same stupid shit as you, why don't you tell her about it? (I'm sure you can manage that without making her think it was cool!)

I was 17 and my boyfriend was 21. Almost 14yrs later he's now my Husband of 4yrs, OP

It is not a major age difference at that age. Lads of 20 are emotionally about the same as a girl of 16/17.