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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge my step sister

130 replies

celeryeater · 26/04/2017 09:31

For smoking in her pregnancy? She is 12 weeks pregnant and at a family do yesterday was still blatantly lighting up in front of everyone! I was Shock I admit I've never smoked so can't understand how bad the addiction is but surely you would try and switch at least some of your smokes to a vaporiser? I know vaping is not exactly healthy but has to be better than smoking. Surely the moment you find out you're pregnant you do everything you possibly can to give that child the best chance?

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 26/04/2017 09:58

Maybe she's cutting down? Maybe she didn't plan the baby and so didn't have the thought to quit before?
Whilst it's not ideal and I don't agree with it and I wouldn't do it myself, I'd be upset if my sister posted on a public forum about me obviously looking for people to say oh what a horrible woman how irresponsible Etc etc

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2017 09:59

There have been some suggestions already as to what you might be able to do, to help her.

If you're interested in helping that is.

DonutCone · 26/04/2017 09:59

(1) Subject as hereinafter in this subsection provided, any person who, with intent to destroy the life of a child capable of being born alive, by any wilful act causes a child to die before it has an existence independent of its mother, shall be guilty of felony, to wit, of child destruction, and shall be liable on conviction thereof on indictment to penal servitude for life:

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/04/2017 09:59

Often, midwives don't advise mums to go cold turkey, due to the stress this can cause. We know increased stress hormones are bad for developing babies too.

Original poster
celeryeater · 26/04/2017 10:00

If I see her alone I may mention something about it, but I don't know what good it will do really, for the reasons I've stated.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 26/04/2017 10:00

Actually abortions can happen after 24 weeks. It is more restricted and very rare but it happens.

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 10:00

Thanks for the c&p but that doesn't change my point (which is legal fact)

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2017 10:01

Try buying he an E.cig

I don't know how much they are but I'm sure they're not too expensive.

TiredofITall1 · 26/04/2017 10:01

hhm I think YABU but tbf I would judge to - and I did smoke in my pregnancy. Admittedly 18 years ago and had stopped when conceiving but hyperemesis was so bad and I would wake up with such terrible hunger pains all the time but couldn't even keep water down- was so depressed regretted being pregnant and midwife told me that if smoking stopped the hunger pains a bit and stopped me feeling so depressed then it was probably better for the baby for me to smoke in moderation. I did stop when he was born as was breast feeding and had no desire to smoke at all - not sure they would give such advise now though.

I know it is bad to judge but I just do it automatically without thinking including when I see someone pushing a pushchair with little one and fag on the go - I would never dream of saying anything though and generally try to keep my judginess to myself because I don't know shit about their life or what they are going through.

PollytheDolly · 26/04/2017 10:01

YANBU

DonutCone · 26/04/2017 10:04

It's not a fact though.

After 24 weeks you cannot just get it aborted, like you can before 24 weeks. You cannot get abortion pills off the Internet as that is a crime. You cannot actively try and cause the foetus to die as that is 'willful distruction' and is a crime.

At that point, a heathy foetus, cannot be destroyed, just on the wishes of the woman. Therefore the foetus has a limited right to protection under the law.

Original poster
celeryeater · 26/04/2017 10:05

If you all think I'm just being cruel and don't actually want to help - which isn't true I just don't think there is much I can do, I'll stop posting. I will try some of the things suggested. Do you think a private message might be better to discuss gently with her, or could that be misinterpreted. I really don't know what I could say that she probably doesn't already know.

OP posts:
DonutCone · 26/04/2017 10:05

Willful destruction rather

silkpyjamasallday · 26/04/2017 10:05

Meh, I don't think it's any worse than drinking during pregnancy which a lot of women do, alcohol is more socially acceptable than cigarettes in general and clearly this extends to pregnancy too.

As a PP said her midwife may have advised her to simply cut down as the shock to the system with withdrawal and stress can be worse than the smoking for the baby. I know people who were advised of this and have perfectly healthy babies with no issues.

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 10:07

Like I said, you should mind your own business. There isn't a chance she doesn't already know, and either cares or doesn't. If she doesn't care then you won't change anything and if she does care then you'll just make her feel worse.
The only thing you will accomplish is to piss her off. Is that what you want>

juneau · 26/04/2017 10:09

I would judge her too, but it's up to her midwife and doctor to address her smoking, not you. I can imagine that you taking issue with it publicly will do little except drive a wedge between you both.

A shocking number of women do continue to smoke in pregnancy. In the north-east I know it's particularly bad.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/04/2017 10:09

If I were you I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that she is being selfish and posing a huge risk to her unborn child. Forget being tactful and pleasant with it. I'd make her know in no uncertain terms that she is highly irresponsible.

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 10:09

At that point, a heathy foetus, cannot be destroyed, just on the wishes of the woman. Therefore the foetus has a limited right to protection under the law

You are confusing two things. At 24 weeks the WOMAN loses the right to a termination unless there are other specific circumstances. That is it. You have invented the notion that this transfers any right on to the foetus. It does not.

The crime of child destruction is a crime against the woman, who is the legal victim, not against the foetus. Only born humans have personhood under the law, and only those with personhood can be victims of crimes or have any legal rights.

Maudlinmaud · 26/04/2017 10:12

It needs to be handled very sensitively op. This could turn into the row of the century and destroy your relationship. You could gently mention smoking cessation clinics and speaking to her midwife but tbh I would think carefully about it. I wouldn't message her it needs to be face to face if at all.

CherryMintVanilla · 26/04/2017 10:12

I'm sure her GP has gone through it all with her and offered support - if she's been honest. If she finds it very stressful to give up, that could also have an adverse impact on her baby's health. I was born to a very heavy smoker and as far as I know it didn't affect my health. My first ever photo shows my Mum holding me and smiling - with a cigarette in the other hand! It's definitely a Very Good Thing that people are dissuaded from smoking and that the side effects are highlighted, but (puts hard hat on) the baby will almost definitely be fine...

Original poster
celeryeater · 26/04/2017 10:15

Like I said, you should mind your own business. There isn't a chance she doesn't already know, and either cares or doesn't. If she doesn't care then you won't change anything and if she does care then you'll just make her feel worse.
The only thing you will accomplish is to piss her off. Is that what you want

Actually I think you are spot on with this

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 26/04/2017 10:16

Er, don't say anything to her, seriously. You're not even that close! She has a midwife who I guarantee will be advising her on this.

And yes, they do advise heavy smokers not to go cold-turkey, not because of stress hormones (which, unless the stress is severe aren't as bad as all that), but because the bigger risk in early pregnancy is anything that suddenly and drastically alters your circulation and blood oxygenation.

She might smoke the whole way through. She might even drink some alcohol. You can think whatever you like about that in the privacy of your own head, but in this instance you are not the person to raise this with her. Difficult as you may find that.

saracrewe2 · 26/04/2017 10:17

I would inwardly judge a bit, but there is nothing productive that will come out of it so what's the point of getting het up over it? I remember being a long term patient in an antenatal ward when there were "smoke rooms" in hospitals and my bed was beside their window and I might as well have been a smoker due to the amount of passive smoking I got.

Lots of our parents smoked in 60's and 70's and didn't do us any harm

One of my dc have chromosomal abnormalities that are in theory dominant yet neither me nor my husband have the condition, so we have had a lot of genetic testing/counselling. The consultant said that smoking always harms a foetus, just because it is born seemingly healthy does not mean that its DNA has not suffered mutations etc. He was very quick to ask if either of my parents smoked during pregnancy (my dm did) and said it is possible that whilst I was a zygote my ovum were mutated, due to dm's smoking. He maintained that drinking responsibly was much safer than smoking even a few cigarettes per day.

ginflumpsandzebraprint · 26/04/2017 10:17

I smoked 5 a day through my pregnancy's I tried to quit but it didn't happen, my midwife agreed 5 was better than 25 but told me I would have a small prem baby with lung problems. I had 2 healthy 9lbs+ babies turn up on their due dates, so meh ! 4 a day means she's trying and I think the last thing she needs is family judging and giving their tuppence worth

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/04/2017 10:18

If you must say anything (and I'd strongly advise against it), do it in person - a breezy "so what's the plan with the cigs then?"