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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

503 replies

GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:00

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 25/04/2017 23:15

When I was in year 5 I was forced to play with a girl who bullied me. Made me miserable. She then accused me of breaking her arm Confused even though she did it over a weekend. The teacher believed her and then bullied me himself. He was then sacked for framing a student for stealing the following year.
Go to the school governors!

Theworldisfullofidiots · 25/04/2017 23:23

Write to chair of govs. they are then obliged to investigate and the lack of management of the other child's behaviour would come to light.
I'm a chair of govs in a primary school and I'd want to know.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/04/2017 23:27

Good god no! My DD was bullied at her last school, I'm not joking when I say one of my main reasons for taking her out was I was scared of what she might do to herself if she was forced to spend another year with them! She was already in counselling because of it!

Erm. As an aside. I used to arsily make a point of not allowing my children to sign anything, they're a minor and such agreements aren't usually enforcable in law, and yes I'd happily tell the staff why they haven't had their 'agreements' returned too! Like fuck would I be signing, or allowing the school to make my kid sign a contract that my child had to spend time with his bully! I'm fuming for you! Flowers

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/04/2017 23:30

Of course it isn't enforceable!! They know this - the contract is a prop.

The adults know this. The child doesn't!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/04/2017 23:33

when you email, you need to include words such as failing to safeguard your ds against intimidation and violence.

This. Only before I did this I'd be letting the relevant safeguarding body know all about this, with the evidence. Then helpfully telling the school in that email that you have also already been in contact with them.

Lynnm63 · 25/04/2017 23:45

Tell the ht you consider the attempt to get your ds to sign a contract without parental consent as beyond their powers. Your son will not be playing with the bully under any circumstances. Should they make any attempt to enforce their stupid unenforceable contract you will be contacting the Govenors and the LEA to raise the safeguarding of your child. Reiterate that nothing with regard to your son is to be raised with your son without your written consent before they discuss it with him.

I'd be spitting feathers.

Viewofhedges · 25/04/2017 23:55

Have a look at Quiet by Susan Cain. She explains how introverts like to have time to themselves during down time to recharge, like your son. This does not make him unusual or wrong, just a person who prefers to be on their own to get their energy back. It explains how failing to recognise this in other people can be detrimental to the point of unkind. It sounds like your. HT really needs to read it. (Any introverts out there it is a very interesting book.)

GlitteryFluff · 26/04/2017 00:05

You're doing the right thing in keeping him off and speaking to governors etc
Poor kid.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 26/04/2017 00:09

If your friend who is a TA saw that your DS sits reading, has she seen any of what goes on with this other child? Can she tell you (and the HT) what actually happened between the 2 of them? I suppose she may be uncomfortable being put in that position, but may be worth a try.

SlothMama · 26/04/2017 00:16

I'd go in to rip up that contract, and speak to the Governors it's not on at all.
Not as extreme but I remember being forced to make friends with a girl I was avoiding as I didn't like her. Her Mum worked as a dinner lady there, spoke to the teacher and the teacher told me to be friends with her or there would be big trouble.
That soon stopped when I told my Mum who's a headteacher and she went ape shit at them. It wasn't like the girl had no friends she had plenty, so I can't understand why I was forced into friendship with her?

Same teacher also sent me in from a PE lesson because she told me I was stupid and I replied saying I wasn't and she was rude to say that. Nasty bitch!!

Wedrine4me · 26/04/2017 00:18

Keep a paper trail. Ask for responses in writing and any conversation in person or on the phone, email a summary of and again ask for responses in writing. They will think very carefully about what they commit to paper.

burdog · 26/04/2017 00:20

The contract is a red herring, because you can't enter into a contract for social situations (regardless of your DC being a minor).

Even if they're trying to encourage common play, it sends a disastrous message about boundaries and healthy friendships to your friend i.e. there are some people that he has to socialise with, regardless of whether they have hurt him or whether they actually get on.

GardenGeek · 26/04/2017 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetLuck · 26/04/2017 00:34

Well done for sticking up for your DS!

Ceto · 26/04/2017 01:02

Get the school's anti-bullying policy, discipline policy, and complaints policy. Write to the head asking precisely what they have done to implement the bullying and discipline policies in relation to the other child, and follow the complaints policy to the letter. And, of course, tell them that their so-called contract is utterly ridiculous and you have told your child to ignore it.

Neverm1nd · 26/04/2017 02:17

I would also...in a couple of weeks...submit a subject access request for each of you to the school. (£10 each). This will mean they have to produce every single recoRd relating to each one of you including internal emails (often telling!) and also a copy of this 'contract'. You'll get a clear idea if what's been going on behind the scenes then....

Blokedad · 26/04/2017 06:30

If the head doesn't back down write to the board of governors and the council.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 26/04/2017 07:27

What a horrid and avoidable situation for your DS. Agree just stick to facts about your DS and don't include hearsay or assumptions or thoughts about other children or other people connected with the school. Include bullying policy, safeguarding (thanks ppl who posted links), Ofsted, School Governors.

Where were the 'adult guardians' who should have stopped your son being provoked. Was his book damaged?

Recent campaigns include ensuring a mental health wellbeing representative at schools and encouragement for pupils to speak to them. Ask how this tactic by the school is beneficial for your DS's mental health wellbeing.

Also like the idea that DS chooses to 'read' or play his choice of game with the bully and the bully has to play the chosen game.

Be tactical OP. This is awful

sk1pper · 26/04/2017 07:41

Can a minor sign a contract without parential observation and consent? I mean the contract thing is ridiculous, lets get that straight, but if they want to take it down this road then make sure they get it right.

Wedrine4me · 26/04/2017 08:06

Even if they're trying to encourage common play, it sends a disastrous message about boundaries and healthy friendships to your ds i.e. there are some people that he has to socialise with, regardless of whether they have hurt him or whether they actually get on.

Concentrate on this as your main argument.

Doobydoo · 26/04/2017 08:14

Good advice on here.I hope you get this resolved.

hackmum · 26/04/2017 08:26

BlackeyedSusan: "when you email, you need to include words such as failing to safeguard your ds against intimidation and violence."

Absolutely right. Schools can fail Ofsteds on poor safeguarding so this will put them on the back foot immediately.

I am very much of the view that the best form of defence is attack. So you need to send them a letter in writing that details the bullying, physical and verbal, this boy has carried out against your son. Have you kept a log of what he has done and when? (If not, start now.) If you haven't, just list what he has done without the dates and say you are very worried that your son's safety is at risk. Then ask what they are going to do about it. Say you would like to see a specific plan of action. If you want to up the ante, copy to the chair of governors.

Hold off reporting to Ofsted till you see what they've done - you want to have something in reserve.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 26/04/2017 09:11

OP, there's some grest advice here, and it sounds like you have already sent a message to the school by keeping your son away.

I think you shouldn't bring the TA in unless it's really vital. Don't focus on any perceived favouritism. It's quite likely to be the case, but just focus on your DS and what this issue is doing to him. By creating the contract and forcing your DS to sign, the school has been intimidating your DS. That's not on.

Getting hold of the school anti-bullying policy and asking what they are going to do to resolve the issue of your DS being bullied throws it all back onto them. And yes to keeping everything in writing.

confuugled1 · 26/04/2017 09:15

Agree with much written on here about talking to the HT asap about the school's failure to safeguard your child and keep the other child away from him.

I would ask for an undertaking from the ht that she understands that your ds has been continually bullied by this child, that she is failing in her duty of care to safeguard your child and that by making your ds sign a contract she has colluded with the bully and left your ds feeling unsafe in school to such an extent that he doesn't want to be there as he is so worried now that she has given the bully such power over your son and removed the safety net of being able to go to staff and know he will be taken seriously if/when there is the next issue.

I would be asking her and all staff to know that the bully needs to be kept away from your child at all times - lessons, break time, lunch, queuing, changing rooms etc. If they are in the same class then you can ask for the bully to be moved out of the class if there has been bullying in class on the basis that if your child is the victim he should not have to suffer further whereas the bully gets to realise there ate consequences for his actions. They probably won't do anything about moving him, especially if they are full, as it means others moving too. But asking for it shows how serious and worried you are about your son and the bully. If your dh hadn't already asked the head teacher to sign something I would have adked her to sign an undertaking to keep the bully away from your son in all circumstances and ensure that your ds, his teacher and the pkaygroubd supervisor all had copies.

Has any of the previous bullying been reported and if so, what has the school done?
If the boy is 10 then if your child has been hurt you could tell the police. Even if you don't want to get the police involved, again it might help to focus the HT's mind if you say that due to the continued nature of the bullying and her failure to deal with it, you are going to talk to the police. Might be enough to get her to take notice.

And i would also ask the head teacher to run a session with all the children rather than just your child and the bully, explaining that you can't force people to play with you, you can ask but if the other person says no then no means no and you need to respect that. Very important lesson that needs to start early!

Hope the school pulls itself together and your ds gets treated properly.

confuugled1 · 26/04/2017 09:24

Wrote my post last night and realised I hadn't posted it. Also just realised that I meant to say to follow up every meeting you have with. Anyone from the school with an email outlining the discussion and confirming all the action points agreed.