To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

[GibbonMinstrel]

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

Under 18s cannot sign legally binding contracts

Very impressed with you and your DH.

School sounds batshit. What school disapproves of children reading???

YABU to even have to ask!

Don't doubt yourself for a second.

The bully should no kept away from your son. That's basic protection.

The HT is bang out of order to side with the bully. Isn't it even a conflict of interest to have family member on the teaching team at the same school?

As for the contract? I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life. What is the world coming to?!

Omg that's horrendous (Laos placemarking as I can't wait / dread to hear what the school will do next... good luck OP & DS

Sheesh. HT's response makes my head explode. Your poor DS.

As it's an academy, I feel I have to ask what the HT's background is? is she running some kind of I-know-best experiment

Maybe I'm the odd one out here. I don't necessarily support the school but I have an open mind. Firstly, as several others have pointed out, the use of 'contracts' in schools is widespread. Of course they are not legally binding and of course the school knows that. 'Contracts' (with a small 'c'!) are used in all sorts of circumstances - homework contracts, contracts regarding safe use of the internet etc. Even thinking about going to a solicitor or to a legal department somewhere just makes you look silly and hysterical.
The most important thing is to get the facts - quietly and calmly. The BBQ 'contract' was just plain silly and would have definitely wound the school up - as in 'OMG - here is another batshit crazy parent'.
I'm interested in whether you have reported the bullying behaviour before or whether this was the first time the school knew your son was on the receiving end of bullying from the other child. Makes a difference. Maybe someone just saw your child misbehaving with no knowledge of the back story.
I'm also interested in this 'enforced' playtime - you said it was for a 3 day period (not 3 days every week as some people assumed). For how long on each day? Breaks and lunch time in total amount to an hour so we are talking maximum 3 hrs in total that the school are 'forcing' your child to interact with the other child and probably a lot less. Will this play be supervised or monitored? How do you know it was requested by the other child rather than decided by the teacher or head? Is the school trying to build bridges or help quieter children learn how to combat bullying?
I totally agree that children who bully should be stopped. However, there are inevitably children who end up perennial victims. It shouldn't be their responsibility to change their behaviour but in practical terms, it will make their life a lot easier if they do.
So as many others have said - talk to the head and LISTEN rather than ranting. Ask whether your son's behaviour at any other time is unacceptable. Ask if there is a particular reason why they are concerned about his reading at lunch time. Get the facts and be reasonable at all times. See if you can reach a compromise e.g 5 minutes supervised play with the bully. If you are not satisfied then follow the school complaints policy - you are entitled to a copy or it might well be on the school website.
Meanwhile, keeping your son off school as a protest is just going to escalate things and make you look like helicopter parent rather than caring mum.

Call Ofsted. Call Social Services. Your child is being bullied by another child and now he is being bullied by the staff.

Or is this some awful independent school controlled by no one? (If so, you're getting what you're paying for. He'll probably end up as a Tory minister one day, and tell everyone his school days were the happiest days of his life...).

In my experience most primary schools have ridiculous ideas about dealing with behaviour and teachers think they are qualified psychologists. As others have said dont accept it.

Time to talk to the governors. This is not acceptable. It is against UNICEF Rights of the Child (take a copy with you, easily found online).

Oh FFS

Why do some people assume that mumsnet posters will go into school ranting and unable to listen and feel the need to lecture them about it?

The OP comes across as perfectly sane. In the absence of any evidence that she's unable to behave properly, I'll assume she can.

And as for "there are inevitably children who end up perennial victims. It shouldn't be their responsibility to change their behaviour but in practical terms, it will make their life a lot easier if they do.", well, yeah, as long as adults with that sort of attitude are in charge of children, it will be inevitable. That's why schools are so horrible for so many kids, adults with attitudes like this in charge.

This just sounds so messed up.
Would the HT like to be forced to spend her free time with someone that she didn't like? Although this is just an extension of the policy where teachers sit quiet well behaved kids next to the less well behaved ones. DD is often stuck in between a few live wires and gets fed up as they disrupt her when she's wants to get on with her work. She feels she is being punished for being good.

There are homework and internet usage agreements in schools.

However, the big difference is that they are sent home so that parents can see what terms the kids have agreed to and discuss each clause. Even after submitting it, say your child forgot what was in the agreement and wanted a copy, the school could photocopy it and send it home.

Sitting with the head and being asked for a signature is unfair pressure. Most children would not say "no" or realise that "please can I discuss this with mum first" is a valid response.

The fact that the school won't provide a copy of said contract is bizarre. It's obviously because they know it'll result in the Head getting into deep shit for bullying OP's son with ridiculous terms.

Insist on meeting with the HT ASAP to understand what they think this will achieve. Make it clear that your DS has been bullied by this boy, and that this 'contract' is causing him serious distress.

On the face of it, it does sound absolutely batshit crazy. But maybe there's something else you don't know.

Agree with Pontynan here.
There is of course no legal basis to this 'contract'. It is simply an assumed agreement and nothing more. Regardless of its questionable sincerity or sensibility, I wouldn't be giving it any more angst than it deserves. Speak with the head, be direct and calmly explain your concerns. Tit for tat 'contracts' are not necessary, and only likely to antagonise.

Go to a solicitor. Tell school you are considering all legal avenues and insist they preserve all evidence amd documents relating to this incident. The Ico should have helpful guidance online

The pint isn't that the contract is unenforceable, but that they bullied a child into signing it and making him think he was bound by it.

DS1 tells me that the dinner ladies/lunchtime supervisors say it's 'not allowed' to read at breaktimes. I'm fairly sure this isn't school policy, but one of the supervisors has been there donkey's years and is a bit mad. I've told him if he wants a quiet breaktime and to read, he goes ahead and does it and if anyone tries to interfere with that, he's to tell me and I will Sort It.

Wow.
They won't let you see the 'contract' they made your CHILD sign?

I hope heads roll.

I can't believe what I'm reading! How on earth did she think she was going to get away with this bullshit (HT not OP)

Call Ofsted. Call Social Services. Your child is being bullied by another child and now he is being bullied by the staff.

I don't think this goes far enough - I'd be on phone to the European Court of Human Rights first thing tomorrow.

Or is this some awful independent school controlled by no one?

Have you never heard of HMC? IAPS? GPDST? I am against private education, but the notion that such schools can do as they choose is simply ignorant.

FWIW I would ignore most of the advice you have had on here. Seek an interview with the school's HT as soon as you can and explain your son's needs, and how they will not be met by forcing him to play with someone he doesn't like or is afraid of. At the same time seek assurances that the other child involved is going to be properly supported, not indulged by half-baked, half-understood "therapies" copied down from a Powerpoint presentation.

Above all be calm, don't lose your temper, and keep on saying what you want for your child. If you lose your temper no-one will remember what you said, only the angry way you said it - which some people would say is a definition. If you get nowhere with the head teacher inform him, verbally and in writing, that you intend to take the matter up with the school governors, and contact the parent governors without delay. Good luck.

Pontynan how is giving the bully more opportunities to bully the ds a fair thing to do.

Fucking idiotic idea. All about protecting the bully.

OMG. I would be LIVID. Complain to governors and threaten National press if they don't respond. They would have a field day with this. Child forced to play with bully by school...err what?! 😡😡😡

I've read most of post and annoyed at way your ds treated.Noticed school wouldn't give you copy of contract.
You can request everything on your dc's school file under data request freedom of information act.There is correct wording online that you need to write on their website to request your dc info as his legal guardian and also amount to include ,use to be £10 that you included via check with request . The law says shouldn't cost you no more than £10 approx.I have done this previously at my dear child's school.It may have gone up slightly as couple of years since we did it.School may bluster as might come as bit of shock as not an everyday thing but send the letter worded in the official professional way shown.I think they only have a month from request to send details ,if I remember correctly .I suggest you read info online and also at bottom of request remind them as they hold the contract that your son has signed a copy about forced friendship and as it has been part of school life/on file and son signed it must be included by law (huge fines for missing info😉).there is a lot to photocopy so file will be large so why they don't just give you a copy of the silly contract is beyond me!...obviously another school who don't know a person's legal rights.....makes me wonder if my ex nemesis has moved😁

This would have me fuming too . A similar thing happened to my daughter in a state school 10 years ago where she was forced to be put in a room with a boy who had hit her as part of a social skills workshop!! We ended up removing her from that school but I would advise you not to put up with cr&p like that - sometimes think that teaching staff who come up with these ideas are insane . Good Luck 💐

Read TFT- your situation has me fuming with anger. I look forward to hearing a positive outcome on behalf of your DS, OP. It's considered cruelty to animals to remove their claws or venom as they're deprived of their natural defence mechanisms, but when a child is frightened of a bully they're not even allowed to shout in defence? And that's just the tip of the iceberg. What a complete d*ck the HT is. Feeling for you deeply, OP, Grrrr!!!

If you think your son is at risk from the bully I would make an appointment straightaway with the HT as such behaviour is intolerable. Get all sides of the story before you act. Sometimes such things happen because the school is not aware of the full facts. They think they have all sides to the story. They need to be made aware that the other child is a real problem.Get a copy of the school anti bullying policy - they should have one and must produce it if the parent requests it. Keep a diary of things that happen with witnesses so it can be produced at a meeting if necessary.

If you get nowhere with the head then I would keep my son away from school if he is under threat from the bully (health and safety)and contact the Governors immediately. Keep correspondence and meetings professional and try not to get emotional. Heads switch off when parents get emotional.
Your son has a right to read at playtime if he so wishes and the school should be supporting this. I am disgusted at the way the school supports the bully but not your son's rights. Every child should be treated with respect, have their interests and beliefs supported, be listened to and treated in a fair compassionate way. Your sons' school seems to be forgetting the rights of your son.
If you get nowhere I would choose another school and inform Childrens' Services, if it is a state run school, as to what poor policies the school has. You could, as others have said, inform OFSTED on the whistle blowing helpline. This could then trigger an OFSTED inspection if the school is failing in other ways as well.

Stick to your guns! What is happening is not right and well done for being such a caring, good mother. Your son is lucky to have such a lovely mum. By the way I'm a secondary school senior teacher with 25+ years experience and a mother. My daughter loved to read at lunchtime too. Wishing you all the best.