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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

503 replies

GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:00

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 26/04/2017 17:33

My son had a horrid time in an academy with bullying. They were the same re 'rules' and having a blantant disregard for any policiea.

Word of warning - LA were NOT supportive. The school could talk the talk like politicians and the la have very little autonomy over academies.

You also have to exhaust the academies complaint policy before you can go to ofsted or EFA. In our case despite all written evidence - including from school - I got no where as school just said incident didn't happen and it was a mistake for them to tell me it did and ds made it up.
Ironically they also put on the response they'd taken a photo of the knife the pupil had Hmmso child had weapon but they were mistaken about reporting a weapon Confused

Cuppatea85 · 26/04/2017 17:34

This is horrendous! A child should never be forced to play with anyone let alone someone causing him so much hurt!! How terrible. I'd be doing the same as pp and keeping son at home till they change this! I can't believe the school thought this was appropriate?! Where did HT study....Mars?? Weird and stupid all in one. You should show her this thread and let her know we all think she (or he) is completely stupid! Idiot shouldn't be in charge of a school of kids. Now I'm on a rant lol .

Mazanna123 · 26/04/2017 17:35

I'm fuming on your behalf! It's such a bad message for both kids.

KatieHaslam22 · 26/04/2017 17:36

I would tell the head teacher that as you are his official guardian you would like access to this 'contract' he has signed! And a meeting with him regarding the treatment of your son in comparison to the treatment of the offending child. Is the child's behaviour being monitored also? Are they enforcing a behavioural management plan to combat the offending child's disruptive behaviour within the class? Is this contract legally binding? I highly doubt it! Either way I would request a meeting with the head and class teacher to gain the full details of the situation, they surely cannot force your son to play with this child!

SandyDenny · 26/04/2017 17:37

I just googled a no shouting policy and on the first page of results there are 5 schools that have such a policy so not totally unheard of, there are also links to articles in the DM and The Sun about these schools, you can guess what they think Grin

bbismad · 26/04/2017 17:38

Absolute crap. YANBU but the school is....

Maireadplastic · 26/04/2017 17:38

youarenotkiddingme- the LA has no power over academies, that's the point of academies sadly.

LarrytheCucumber · 26/04/2017 17:40

We had a Junior School head who would have thought that was a good idea. Ghastly woman, now retired, fortunately.
You should make an appointment with the Head and discuss the whole issue. I would have thought it would be good practice for a teacher to have discussed the issue with you before it got to this stage.

Helenluvsrob · 26/04/2017 17:41

Utterly ridiculous. Op keep fighting it !

Is there something about 10yr old boys? dS was bullied for being academic at the same age - never physical so never really taken seriously. He was very affected by it. Grammar school was heaven for him

Peachyteach · 26/04/2017 17:42

Hey...

I'm a deputy head and it really saddens me to read about all your negative experiences.
In life we are all free to choose who we spend time with and no school or adult should force a child to play or befriend another - that is a violation of a basic human right.

It would seem the school is trying to help build a relationship to enable the children to find a common connection but making something contractual is ridiculous again is not ok without your consent.

I would assume you want the children to be able to be around each other without feeling uncomfortable but this can be done through group work and encouraging them to play games with the same teams etc but I would absolutely NEVER force anyone to be friends even from a very young age.

I would seek to contact both the head and the chair of governors to make a complaint in writing and also say you want the contract reviewed because you are not in agreement with it.

I don't want this to sound out of line but has your son ever had an assessment for aspergers? Without sounding patronising a social stories could help him with his emotions too.

gleam · 26/04/2017 17:46

I'd move schools.

Marmalady75 · 26/04/2017 17:50

I'm a teacher and I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in all my years of working in schools.
If you do have a face to face meeting you need to follow it up with an email stating what your understanding of the meeting/comments was and ask for them to confirm this is what they meant. You need to get everything in writing. Don't rip up the contract into confetti (tempting as it is) keep hold of it and say you are having your lawyer look it over.

sashh · 26/04/2017 17:50

I'd put in writing that the HT has a duty of care to your son. That you believe your son is in danger and you want to know exactly what the school is doing about it.

I'd also express the opinion that your son's physical and emotional health is at risk if he doesn't read (my GP would probably draft a letter to that affect but he is slightly insane) and that they should make reasonable adjustments for this.

Send his books in a first aid case with 'Must be taken at break and lunch' in big letters.

You can't argue with stupid, but you can out play with it.

If ever a newspaper needed a sad face picture this is the time.

treacletoffee23 · 26/04/2017 17:50

Good advice from peachy. Social stories and symbol timetables can go a long way in reducing anxiety.
The contract sounds ridiculous- totally contrived and pressured.

Tracyjane64 · 26/04/2017 17:51

Why the hell do schools always make a victim of the bully? Tho happened to my daughter when a girl physically bullied her everyday when she walked home from school ( tripping her up, pushing her over,taking her bag etc) and when I complained to the school they told me I needed to be more understanding because the girl came from a broken home ffs! I explained that I was a single parent and this was no bloody excuse for hurting and bullying another child as my children didn't do this. I had to literally go on and on at them until they were so bloody sick of me they eventually sorted it out.

shillwheeler · 26/04/2017 18:00

Well done, OP. You are considerably calmer and more rationale than I would be.

I can't see that any "contract" would be enforceable - your son is a minor and, even if he were in a position to do so, then I think there is a massive inequality in bargaining power, and duress, so it is clearly, legally, a nonsense. That said, it seems like the school's attempt to get him to buy into their BS crazy blue sky notions of social normality.

In my experience, when confronted with a bullying issues, schools go one of two ways - restorative justice or zero tolerance. Current HT seems to have plumbed for the former, in a particularly crude, ill informed, way.

The reality is you can't force friendships, only encourage them, or provide a nurturing environment - none of which is aided by forcing a quiet sensitive child to spend time with someone they don't like, and who is, or may be perceived, as a threat. It's just plain dumb, and in my experience, is likely to make life for the quite person harder, if not insufferable. (I hesitate to use the word "victim" - but you get my drift).

Explain your concerns to the head, governors (who are meant to be a critical friend to the HT, although I accept not all) and local authority, if necessary (in my experience, a lot of them can be sensible and very helpful, although not all). Stick to your guns, be reasonable, and record everything.

By the way, obviously don't know your son, but being quiet and preferring books etc. doesn't mean that he has any condition - other than possibly mild introversion (which half the population has). It is perfectly normal not to want to socialise with certain people - especially if they are bullies or there is a plain personality clash. From what you say, it isn't affecting their schooling - so total overreaction on HT's part. Choosing not to play is a perfectly valid and mature approach!

spamm · 26/04/2017 18:00

I think you should definitely put your concerns in writing to the head teacher and consider copying them to the school board. Quote back the bullying policy, the fact that the school has a duty of care for your son's physical and mental well-being, and that you consider that they are really putting this in jeopardy with their behavior. Ask why xx child is being given the protection that is not being afforded to your son, and if there is any reason for this favoritism that you are not aware of - that should lead to others asking the same questions. But put it in writing, so you have an administrative trail you can produce if things escalate.

Idoidoidoidoido · 26/04/2017 18:05

Are they hoping to turn out a generation of over-confident thugs? Do they think that's the future?

Sadly that will be the future. We live in times where bad behavior is often seen as 'misguided confidence' or the person is 'misunderstood' or other such bullshit.
There is always an excuse.

mumindoghouse · 26/04/2017 18:08

Agree formal complaint to head and chair of governors.
Also request written confirmation of the steps they are taking to safeguard your son from the bullying by the other child.
Confirm the results of any meetings in writing afterwards.
Keep a contemporaneous log of incidents.
Schools do get bullying wrong.

Social engineering though isn't new. I remember being hauled into the cloakrooms and told off for ignoring my neighbour at lunchtime when I was 8. We were in different classes, I hadn't even noticed her but I still have a sense of slight injustice over the telling off. Confused She grew up into a lovely teen though and we remained friendly.

S4RA · 26/04/2017 18:11

No! Don't calm down stay mad stay very very mad. Tear up the ludicrous contract. Nothing wrong in being very black & white. We are all unique after all. Give your son a big cuddle then go do battle with the head.

Sparklyglitter · 26/04/2017 18:15

I would get your butt into school and demand the contract as it was done without your knowledge or concent.
I have to say I feel you have 4 options:
1 - go back into school and try to sort this out and demand they give you contract and stop this silly nonsense.
2- Take your child out and send to a more holistic school.
3- fight it but still remove your child.
4-do nothing...

Head teachers have a habit of being stubborn probably because they have to deal with *hit from parents every day, but like all of us no-one's perfect! This does sound particularly barbaric to me!!
Good Luck!

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 26/04/2017 18:18

Haven't read TFT yet, but at my DTDs old school, DTD1 got mercilessly bullied by the class bully. I lost count of the amount of times I spoke to the class teacher and the HT about it, but nothing was ever done. You see, the bully's DM was a teacher at the school and the HT didn't like me. They forced DTD1 to sit at the same table as bully, and made sure they were always in the same group when doing activities. Bully made sure DTD1 was exluded and refused to let her join in. Other DCs were too scared of bully to include DTD1. It got so bad I move to a different town and put DTDs in a much bigger school where they seriously frown on bullying, and act on it immediately.

I reported the HT to the governers, and they were like: well, ummm, ahhh... and didn't do anything. I so much wish I'd taken the bitch to the Education Board.

KnightofWands · 26/04/2017 18:19

This is sheer madness. Complain, go public and get it stamped out not only for your kid but all those that may follow.

OhLaVache · 26/04/2017 18:22

Ask to see their anti-bullying and behaviour policies OP. See where 'contracted play' is mentioned in those! Shock Utterly ridiculous Flowers

thatdearoctopus · 26/04/2017 18:23

I read all this and, just as I was thinking, "surely no teacher/Head would be so daft," when I remembered my own current Deputy Head (currently looking for Headships) and thought, "yeah, he would." But then, he's a twat.

Don't back down on this. It's crazy.