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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to have a quickie private wedding?

152 replies

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 09:36

I have been with dp for about 4 years and we want to get married, dp is hoping this will lead the way to me wanting to become a baby making machine, I just ant to be married.

I just don't want lots of fuss, having been married before I can't have a church wedding so to me the day will just be a formality, it is the husband I want the day is not important. I have also been married before and had an embaressingly huge wedding that ended in divorce before they year was out, I don;t want people sat at my wedding comapring it to the last or thinking here she goes again. I was hoping we could just nip to the registy office one afternoon, grab a few witnesses and getit over and done with.

I thought dp would be in agreement with me as he hates a fuss being made over him and he hates spending money even more. He however wants a big wedding whch we can';t afford as he think it would be unfair on dd as she would want to be a bridesmaid at our wedding. I just think it is ridiculous to plan our wedding day around a five year old's fairytale fantasies.

Dp also thinks I will regret not having my family there but to be honest I really don;t think they or I will care and to be honestI donlt think they want to sit through another wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:30

The priest is just doing his job, no one is fircing me to be a catholic. I chose to join the club and therefore keep the rules.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:30

I see, TSAP.

That is truly awful for you.

Well, there are maybe some compromises DP and you can think about, though.

dionnelorraine · 12/03/2007 10:30

Sounds to me like you need to wait a while. Sort the annulment out first in your own time with the support of your dp. Then concentrate on your future and have a fab wedding, the way you want! You dont want to handle all these things at the same time. I couldnt do it. Just take your time. DP should understand as he loves you x

Lizzer · 12/03/2007 10:30

Hi TSAP, we're doing the same this year I hope, however dp is in full agreement so I sympathise BUT I bet you can have it your way when you start saying things like,"So that's £100 on invitation stationary and stamps...."

Oh, there's lots of good stuff on here I can use for my own plans, thanks for bringing it up I was going to start my own thread about it..Think we've decided to do it abroad though, have you thought about that? You can combine a honeymoon and ceremony, its really not that dear depending on where you choose... (yes, we'll be taking dd too so I know its not exactly romance central, but I wouldn't want her to not be involved and she'll love it)

Still unsure whether to have close family or not though??? We were thinking of having party at home when we return, think that would do, as I have small and distant family but dp's is huge and local!

morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:30

Expat, if you married without a formal Dispensation that your marrige was invalid anyway according to the catholic church

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:30

Both of us did not belive our marriage vows were genuine when we made them.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:32

Dd was conceived before we were married so an annulment would not really affect her. If she was conceived after the marriage I would think twice about pursuing an annulment and perhaps would not be able to get one.

OP posts:
Lizzer · 12/03/2007 10:33

Sorry, thread moving too fast, sorry that you've had a such a hard time TSAP, I can't begin to think how 'orrible that is to deal with...

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/03/2007 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:33

Would it ease your mind some to go for an annulment?

I don't know how it works in the UK, but a very dear friend of my mother's got one in the US from an abusive spouse and she didn't have to contact him. They did not have children, but he was in prison, too .

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:34

I intend this marriage to last forever though.

OP posts:
CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:34
Wink
sauce · 12/03/2007 10:34

The details of most failed marriages are pretty gruesome & painful, twinset. My (praticing) catholic dh was cheated on, lied to and generally mucked about. He was married in a Lutheran ceremony so technically no problems for annulment there but he found out when he wanted to marry me that his mum had arranged for 2 catholic priests to be present at that Lutheran wedding (they didn't officiate or participate) & so no annulment. Even if I had agreed to it, which I didn't. Of all the silly, stupid, selfish, weird things people do in the name of God. It stuns me, it really does.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:34

Sauce,
Many pagan weddings can have a set time on them - a year and a day, this lifetime, etc.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/03/2007 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:34

peopel do stupid htings period

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:35

They will contact him. Perhaps I need to just bite the bullet and go for it. Not sure where we aregoing to get the money from especially as I am not getting the extra hours at work I was hoping for.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:35

themildmanneredjanitor I don't want to go into it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:36

sorry.

OP posts:
Piffle · 12/03/2007 10:36

Only read the OP

Could you not compromise and have a private civil wedding and a decent family inclusive party afterwards maybe?

Lizzer · 12/03/2007 10:37

I agree cod, with or without god

sauce · 12/03/2007 10:38

Ahem! since when is 48 years forever? Anyway, what I meant is that even with the very best intentions, change in life is inevitable & people should not feel guilty for breaking a vow that they probably shouldn't have made anyway, even though they believe it at the time. I hope my marriage lasts "forever" but understand that it might not, due to some unforseen circumstance.

morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:38

Sauce that doesn't make sense

Your DH would have had to apply for a formal dispensation and make certain promises to the church in order for the marriage to be valid. It doesn't matter if the pope was in attendance - if he didn't apply for a dispensation, then it was not valid

dionnelorraine · 12/03/2007 10:39

my mum and dad went through a messy divorce. It took them 5 years! Lots of horrible stuff happened! Is an annulment quicker? I dont know a lot about this kind of thing.

Lizzer · 12/03/2007 10:39

expat, really? that sounds odd, is it not a celebration of love? do they put a time limit on love?