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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to have a quickie private wedding?

152 replies

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 09:36

I have been with dp for about 4 years and we want to get married, dp is hoping this will lead the way to me wanting to become a baby making machine, I just ant to be married.

I just don't want lots of fuss, having been married before I can't have a church wedding so to me the day will just be a formality, it is the husband I want the day is not important. I have also been married before and had an embaressingly huge wedding that ended in divorce before they year was out, I don;t want people sat at my wedding comapring it to the last or thinking here she goes again. I was hoping we could just nip to the registy office one afternoon, grab a few witnesses and getit over and done with.

I thought dp would be in agreement with me as he hates a fuss being made over him and he hates spending money even more. He however wants a big wedding whch we can';t afford as he think it would be unfair on dd as she would want to be a bridesmaid at our wedding. I just think it is ridiculous to plan our wedding day around a five year old's fairytale fantasies.

Dp also thinks I will regret not having my family there but to be honest I really don;t think they or I will care and to be honestI donlt think they want to sit through another wedding.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:21

Twinset I think you sound jolly sensible

You CAN'T have the wedding you want - you've already done that

So I would just get it over with privately - you sound like you have accepted the situation and just want to get it done.

I think your DH is being unreasonable... Why should you be burdened with financial worries just because he wants to give the relatives a nice day?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:21

Living is sin is becoming a more attractive option.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:21

morningpaper that is the first time in my life I have been called jolly sensible.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:22

Good point expat, I am not sure that dd is going to be convinced though.

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CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:22

go and lok on our wedding love emhate me thread

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:22

Elope!

There are some amazing elopement packages out there.

My best friend got married on a beach in Hawaii as a 'romantic getaway wedding'.

They even provide the witnesses.

Of course, you have to apply for the license and whatnot, but man, it was REALLY romantic!

beckybrastraps · 12/03/2007 10:22

Is an annulment likely - or are you not going to go through with it?

My aunt had a registry office wedding, then a nuptial blessing when the annulment came through. The second was the biggie - the 'real' wedding.

morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:23

It's a real shame TSAP but divorced catholics are basically buggered

The only other thing you might want to consider is that some priests won't give you communion if you are divocred and have a civil wedding - but maybe you don't attend church now?

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:23

The DD could come along, my pal's husband's two daughters did.

They got a terrific holiday and lovely dresses and they were pretty happy with the 'adventure'.

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:23

they ar the devils rperesnetatives

puddle · 12/03/2007 10:24

It sounds as though you feel a small wedding would be second best and your dp is picking up on that to me.

Can you try and change the way you are thinking about it? Instead of 'small, quick, as little fuss as possible' what about 'intimate, romantic, doing it just for ourselves and the way we want to'.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:24

Don't Catholics have a waiting period now, too. Like 4 months or that?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:24

I keep trying to talk dp into us getting married while we are in Florida in the summer as we will have my mum and sisters there. But dp says it would be unfair on his family and he has a point.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:25

You don't have to pay anything for an annulment if you can't afford to BTW

Do you have grounds for one?

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:25

Fair enough I can see there's a lot more to it.

You seem to be very rational about your reasons and why you want your wedding to be the way you do.

I take back my first comment!

If dp understands your reasons then he should accept why things have to be this way and support you in something that you're obviously finding difficult to deal with.

Perhaps a family get together or party after the event where dd gets to wear her dress and be centre of attention could be a good compromise?

sauce · 12/03/2007 10:26

I've always questioned annulment. How can you annul something that's happened? Life's not a tape where you can rewind & erase the bits you don't want anymore. Dh wanted an annulment but I refused because of his dd from his 1st marriage. How would they have felt about their parents' marriage being a non-event?

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:27

Could you get dp's close family to come out to Florida too?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:27

morningpaper I go to church every week but the priest won't allow me to take communion as I am living with dp so having a civil wedding will not affect that.

I should get an annulment, I have grounds but it will not be a nice process and my ex will contest it as he is an arse. I am not strong enough yet to start that process.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:27

mylittlestar I ahve suggested that but his mother is very ill and can't travel.

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morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:28

sauce you are deda right - it is really just a way to get around the fact that marriages are forever so you can't get married again if you are already married. I don't think that most people really BELIEVE that it was not valid from the beginning. It's a technicality really. Tis daft.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:28

How can you get an annulment when you have children by the person?

Doesn't that make them illegitimate?

I suppose I could have one - I had a Protestant wedding (Unitarian), but my ex never wanted any children and would be happy to go on record with that.

But as I don't go to Church anymore it doesn't make any difference.

morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:29

TSAP how awful for you, I really hope you find a sympathetic priest who can help you through the process at some point.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:29

that priest doesn't sound very nice, TSAP.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:29

sauce I don;t want to go into details of my first marraige as quite I find it very upsetting but things happened and were said and done that means that both parties were incapable of making marriage vows that they meant or understood. Therefore it was a void marriage.

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sauce · 12/03/2007 10:30

Marriages cannot be forever. Nothing is forever, fortunately or unfortunately.

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