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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting to have a quickie private wedding?

152 replies

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 09:36

I have been with dp for about 4 years and we want to get married, dp is hoping this will lead the way to me wanting to become a baby making machine, I just ant to be married.

I just don't want lots of fuss, having been married before I can't have a church wedding so to me the day will just be a formality, it is the husband I want the day is not important. I have also been married before and had an embaressingly huge wedding that ended in divorce before they year was out, I don;t want people sat at my wedding comapring it to the last or thinking here she goes again. I was hoping we could just nip to the registy office one afternoon, grab a few witnesses and getit over and done with.

I thought dp would be in agreement with me as he hates a fuss being made over him and he hates spending money even more. He however wants a big wedding whch we can';t afford as he think it would be unfair on dd as she would want to be a bridesmaid at our wedding. I just think it is ridiculous to plan our wedding day around a five year old's fairytale fantasies.

Dp also thinks I will regret not having my family there but to be honest I really don;t think they or I will care and to be honestI donlt think they want to sit through another wedding.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 09:55

I am joking a bit about the baby making machine, dp wants kids and I don't ( well more can't than won't but thatis a whole other thread I can't be bothered with).

Dp knows that not being married is one of my major objections to us not having children and he thinks that I may change my mind if I am married.I doubt it as it will be a civil wedding so asfaras my faith goes until I get the annullment and a church blessing kids are still out of the picture.

But more importantly both of us want to marry as we love each other and want to make a commitment to each other and dp wants to make a commitment to dd ( she is from my previous marriage).

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Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 09:56

Dd does love a wedding, we have been to a few altely that has put ideas into hers and dp head.

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CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 09:57

sauc ena di are not softies we are as hard as nails
god wedding htreads lure me in every time and i mUST avoid them
present ones are hte worst

Pruni · 12/03/2007 09:58

Message withdrawn

ChippyMinton · 12/03/2007 09:58

FWIW, we had immediate family only (about 20 of us), nice register office followed by afternoon tea. Our DC and their cousins dressed up and had a fuss made of them, posing for photos etc. We didn't tell our friends beforehand, we sent them postcards from our honeymoon. Saved the big party for the christenings - much more relaxed.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:00

I had a selfridges account opened for my last wedding and spending the vouchers was about the only enjoyable part of my wedding and perhapos the marriage.

This time I want none of it, no gifts, no daft favours nothing. You here me absolutley nothing!

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mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:00

I think you should compromise tbh. You are being unreasonable wanting it all YOUR way.

It is not JUST your day, it's your dp's day too.

Agree about not having a big wedding due to a 5 year old's fantasies, but whatever you decide, like other's have said, she'll be happy with the beautiful dress and being involved and an important part of your day.

But the day is important to dp, so despite your strong feelings about being happy to get married in sweaty lycra, I think you need to think about dp too.

For me, the actual wedding day WAS important. Obviously not as important as it's meaning or the actual marriage. But worth putting in some effort so it's a day you can BOTH look back on a remember fondly.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:02

But I don't think the day is important to dp, he is just not thatkind of man. As I said he hates fuss, he is planning a day to keep our families and dd happy.

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moonshine · 12/03/2007 10:02

I was with my dh for nearly 18 years off and on, when we decided to get married quickly and quietly, even though both families would have liked a biggie. We went to Chelsea registry office with 2 friends only as witnesses, then to Bluebird restaurant for out wedding breakfast, followed by a weekend away near Hastings was a honeymoon (and I was 6 months pregnant!). You're right, it will snowball, costs will mount up and add more stress. Why don't you let your dp spend the money instead on a big party in the future (combined with birthdays/summer/whatever) where everyone can get dressed up or take your family on a fantastic holiday where your dd can parade around in her finery in the evenings.

Jackstini · 12/03/2007 10:03

TSAP - there are plently of Churches that will still let divorcees marry if this part is important to you? You could have a small Church wedding and save by not having a reception or just nipping to the local afterwards for a drink....

HuwEdwards · 12/03/2007 10:04

With you all the way TSAP. DP and I have been together for more years than I care to remember and for purely practical reasons (that I know Yorkie has articulated very well), I want to us to be married. But honestly, for no other reason.

I broached the subject with DP a few weeks ago, with exactly the idea you are talking about - me, him 2 kids register office. home. done. I won't change my name - I've been HuwEdwards for far too many years to change.

He on the other hand has started making enquiries at all sorts of wildly expensive venues and whatnot. Drives me nuts - all I want is the certificate.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:06

Jackstini I am a catholic so need an annulment to get married. I think I could get one but it would mean dragging up lots of unpleasant stuff between me and my ex and I don't want to do that for dd sake really.

I would find getting married in another church heartbreaking. I also know that if you got me near a church I would go into wedding overdrive as I had so little input into my first wedding it would be nice to plan my own fairytale wedding. I am much safer nipping to the registry office.

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Troutpout · 12/03/2007 10:09

Nope...not at all...
It's your wedding...do it how you want
Let your dd be a princess at your civil ceremony
Enjoy your day how you want it

I had a similar thing...we told our parents before hand...but noone else.We only had 4 people there.It was nice...really relaxed.

Jackstini · 12/03/2007 10:09

TSAP - Safer... doesn't sound like the day of your dreams then? Not sure if you are debating more with yourself that with DP about what you want from your wedding. It needs to be a happy day for both of you with no regrets - I hope you find a compromise

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:12

Is that the issue - that it would be 'nice to plan your own fairytale wedding'. But after a big first wedding you feel you don't want to ask your family to be there again and have lots of fuss as you somehow feel you shouldn't ask them after the first one didn't work out?

It's your life. Don't worry about what others think (your dp shouldn't either). Have a good think about what would really make you happy. Ignore the past. It's this wedding and your future that matter now.

Would you actually quite like to have a big fairytale wedding that you have planned??

Hope you manage to reach a compromise that suits you both

grannycrackers · 12/03/2007 10:13

what is it about wedding threads? by the time i'd typed my message - the first one i thought, there were 16 others already. everyone must be typing away furiously

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:14

I meant safer as in we can;t afford to spend lots of money and it would be daft to spend a lot of money on a big wedding.But I know myself and once I start on the traditional wedding I will become a woman possessed and end up bankrupting us.

Jackstini tbh it won't be the day of my dreams, I blew that day and coming on for 50 - 60K on my ex. Because of my faith I can't have that again which is why the day is unimportant to me but being married to dp (even though it will not be a chruch blessed marriage) is important.

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morningpaper · 12/03/2007 10:15

TSAP I really sympathise

Have you told your DH that a civil wedding is meaningless to you? But that you would like a huge party for a possible later church wedding?

Have you actually started the annullment process?

The trouble is, it's either you, DP and DD or it's the whole big she-bang. There isn't any middle way if you ask me.

I agree that a 5 year old won't know the difference between 100 people and 2 people, as long as she's dressed up like a princess with a bag of confetti.

beckybrastraps · 12/03/2007 10:16

"it would be nice to plan my own fairytale wedding"

Might your dp have a point?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:16

mylittlestar I would like a fairlytale wedding but we can't afford it. There are lots of other things I would like but can't afford. Secondly I cannot have a fairytale wedding as I have already been married so whatever we do will be a compromise. Even dp has admitted this as he wants a church wedding but knows we can't have one.

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sauce · 12/03/2007 10:17

ah-HA! so twinset admits to wanting a fairytale wedding... the plot thickens!

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:19

Yes dp has a point which is why I don;t want to spend a lot of time and money planning a day that is always going to be a compromise and is going to be tinged with some regret.

I would rather regret that a day wasn't quite the one i wanted having only popped into town to sign a certificate than have the same regrets having spent thousands of pounds and dragged loads of guests along.

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dionnelorraine · 12/03/2007 10:20

Maybe try to compromise. I wanted a big wedding, my dh wasnt bothered either way and we were skint! So we ended up in a registry office but I still had a nice dress and my dd was a bridesmaid. We hired out a working mens club (cheap to hire out and cheap drinks!) and just had a big booze up with close family and freinds. Not over board. A mini celebration. Best day of my life!

You will find the right path for you all. Dont panic about it just talk through your issues about the wedding together and you will hopefully come to a happy medium.

Congrats by the way!

expatinscotland · 12/03/2007 10:20

In the really old fairytales, the couple usually elopes. In fact, you'll find a lot of so-called 'irregular' marriages in these tales, where they just sort of run away and start living together as husband and wife.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/03/2007 10:20

I have taken advice on the annulment process but my divorce was quite frankly horrific and to get my annulment it is going to be dragged up again and I just can't face it. An annulment is also yet another expense that we can't afford.

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