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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL crossed the line

137 replies

CatherineHate · 24/04/2017 18:15

This happened a few weeks ago, but seeing MIL again after a bit of holiday this week. I need help deciding how to go forward.

So DF is dead. He died when I was a young child in awful circumstances (was murdered by my aunt's abusive husband) and was the catalyst for a fucking shit decade for my family.

So understandably, I don't talk about it.

Anyway, MIL decided to pry into my father's death and was asking a million questions- as if I'd lie about something like this Confused and kept pushing to the point that I had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

That night, I heard her asking DP (who obviously knows the full story) for more information. Luckily he knows what a nosey twat she can be and told her to shut up and that if I didn't tell her myself she isn't to know.

Roll around last Saturday. I had to catch a train pretty early and saw she was on her laptop my phone was being dodgy and wasn't getting the ticket from my email so I needed to resend it.
MIL let's me use hers, I type in my email's website and see the suggestions of "CatherineHate surname murder year of death" "Year of dad's death murder in town I grew up in" about twenty fucking Google searches of my dad's full name, Gov.UK for his death record, my DAunt and searches to see "how quickly you can die if you the murder weapon that was used on my dad"

I KNOW I am not being unreasonable and that MIL is fucking unhinged but I am living with her until March 2018. How can I live with her without wanting to tell her how mentally ill she is and that I never want to see her again

OP posts:
Original poster
CatherineHate · 25/04/2017 12:12

Thank you dragon your post was very comforting. I tried to reach out to you via pm but the app is being difficult.

I've had a lot a time to think about this and I thank all of you for putting another view on this. I

OP posts:
SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 25/04/2017 12:13

To want to know the gory details about how long it took a person to die and the extent of his injuries is just weird and beyond nosy, especially when you know their child

^ just this. Her full on ignoring of your feelings shows totally disrespect for you. It's vile and ghoulish and causes unnecessary distress by causing you to relive the event.

If it means having to save for longer for what you want, so be it. Move out to your own place and put some distance between you.

Original poster
CatherineHate · 25/04/2017 12:15

Very inheritance wasn't a thought in my mind Grin

She lives abroad and my mum hadn't met her yet. I showed my mum because she wouldn't rest knowing I was gone for the week to stay with somebody she didn't know and a house she didn't personally have a chance to visit.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2017 12:26

I'm glad you found comfort. Smile

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 25/04/2017 13:18

it's one thing to google if you have morbid curiosity - quite another to delve into checking individual's electoral records/addresses etc.
That's stalker behaviour.
I think she definitely does have some mental health issues going on

it's not just your dad's murder she's looking up - she's checking into family members personal stuff.

How about you spell out to her exactly how sickening and distasteful you find her actions?
Tell her she's making herself look like a sick, stalker.

I wonder if she's already ordered birth/death certs etc? Free versions don't give you full details.
Has she also been snooping on your financial background? It's rather scary how a stranger can access your credit file info/CCJ's etc

Then, ensure all your docs are under lock n key - and never, ever trust her again.

ilovegin112 · 25/04/2017 13:41

I used google to see what if anything was written after my dh killed himself, people are very interested in things like murder, if they weren't that little boy blue wouldn't have been on the tv last night

NavyandWhite · 25/04/2017 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 25/04/2017 13:55

I think more and more people are like this as the internet makes information available at their fingertips. It is one of the downsides of the internet.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/04/2017 14:26

I know what you mean, OP. It's not that she googled, it's the extent of what she googled. Most people wouldn't research how long it took a murder victim to die, I think. I hope.

Even (IMO especially) if you have an interest in true crime, there's a certain expectation of respect for the victims and their families and friends. Your MIL seems more excited than caring tbh.

Jengnr · 25/04/2017 17:56

I'm sorry for your loss OP. However, I would google too. I'm incredibly nosy/curious and I'm a bit of a true crime fan too. I wouldn't have interrogated you about it (although might have asked my son to see how you were talking about it).

The thing about googling how long he took to die sounds horrible but I can see how it could have happened. Many a time I've been googling something and gone down a rabbit hole until I go 'why the fuck am I googling this?'. So if, for example, part of the case mentioned the victim was left dying for some time I can see why she then looked at how long iyswim.

And, of course, while this is all deeply personal to you she is removed from it. She never knew your father, she has a relationship with you but none of your extended family, so to her it's not that dissimilar from the crime stuff so many of us like to read.

If she's generally ok and your relationship is usually fine I'd tell her how upset you were but try and move on. If it isn't the best anyway I'd suck up the financial loss and live elsewhere and have little if anything to do with her I think.

Peanutandphoenix · 25/04/2017 18:11

There is a world of difference between curiosity and trying to find out how long it would take a person to die that is just disgusting and if you have been told to stop asking questions because your upsetting someone you don't then go behind their back and start googling to feed your morbid curiosity that's just horrible and bang out of order. You and your DP need to speak to MIL and tell her to stop with the Google searching because it's upsetting you and it has bugger all to do with her.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 18:16

"I am being honest here though if one of my sons was dating/engaged/married to someone that had had something as awful as you happen to them I would google it too"

Yes, me too. I would want to know everything I could. And I loathe true crime stuff. But anything that might affect my family? You bet I'd google.

SoulAccount · 25/04/2017 20:05

Bertrand, affect your family in what way?

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 20:49

Whether it was something that might come up to cause problems for my child or my future grandchildren. Whether there were mental health issues which,particularly when coupled with the mental health issues in my family of origin might cause problems.........

EC22 · 25/04/2017 20:55

I'd have done the same, I'd probably have googled first rather than ask you personally though.

flippinada · 25/04/2017 21:19

You've had some bafflingly insensitive responses on here Catherine. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this Flowers.

Posters might like to bear in mind that this is somebody's personal trauma, and having somebody nose-poking for details about something so private - when expressly asked not to, FFS - can be horribly upsetting and triggering.

TaraCarter · 25/04/2017 21:59

Whether it was something that might come up to cause problems for my child or my future grandchildren. Whether there were mental health issues which,particularly when coupled with the mental health issues inmyfamily of origin might cause problems.........

Say what.

Adult children are not pedigree hounds to be mated... You don't get to analyse the hip-score of the potential DIL's parents and grandparents. If anyone is going to considering that, it will be the couple concerned.

Have you (and the other posters who hinted at the same thing without coming out with it) even thought about how awful your posts must read to the OP? I'm feeling pretry sickened and I'm not even her. What are you implying? That the OP is tainted by having had a close family member murdered? "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" perhaps?

Perhaps for an encore, you'd like to post about whether you'd be happy for your son or daughter to be friends with someone who lived in a council house? Would that be prejudiced? Well, golly gee, this is worse. You're trying to find something wrong with a man's daughter because he was murdered. I've heard of victim-blaming, but this is another level.

Or, perhaps, what if this thread was about a MIL who'd checked up on her DIL because she was worried about her son being involved with a rape survivor? That attitude is still alive in some parts of the country, although no-one au fait with MN would admit to it on here without namechanging.. . Also disgusting, yes? Well, that sums up your post, too.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 22:12

I'm happy to be quite open about it. About 75% of people in my family and family of origin suffer from depression. I will tell any prospective son or daughter in law so they are prepared. Mental health issues can be genetic.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 22:16

Knowledge is power. I made a much better job of raising my second child because I knew that there were mental health issues on both sides of his family than I did of my first when I didn't.

usernumbernine · 25/04/2017 22:27

Bertrand. That's a bit close to not just arranged marriage but choosing breeding stock. It makes me uncomfortable.

They're not animals to be bred with undesirable traits bred out.

Makes me shudder.

TaraCarter · 25/04/2017 22:34

Oh, purrr-lease. Being open about your family history doesn't entitle you to snoop into other people's medical history, and this is your adult offspring's partner, not yours. Your son or daughter is neither an extension of you, nor your pedigree breeding dog. You don't get a veto and it's not going to be you doing the parenting. You can tell your son or daughter to think about your own family's heritable risk factors when they're raising the kids, and trust them to get on with it.

As the OP has already explained, her partner already knows everything, as does her best friend. MIL doesn't for perfectly reasonable reasons and didn't need to appoint herself as her son's personal researcher. Nor would you. Hmm

P.S. Being murdered isn't genetic. Hmm

HTH

TheFirstMrsDV · 25/04/2017 22:46

The OP's father was murdered by someone unrelated to her.
How on earth would finding that out help to screen out any undesirable mental health issues in a prospective partner? Confused
Unless you consider being a victim of violent crime a MH issue?

TaraCarter · 25/04/2017 22:50

Unless you consider being a victim of violent crime a MH issue?

Could be a great* way to stigmatise victims of DV further and justify cuts in this area. Russia recently decriminalised domestic violence. Perhaps this was the thinking behind the decision?

*sarcastic 'great', obvs

Haffiana · 25/04/2017 22:52

You have just told millions of MNers more about your Dad than you told your MIL. MIL is not allowed to 'pry', or look for more info about something that SHE is curious about even in the privacy of her own home and her own laptop.

She respected your wishes and stopped asking you. You don't get to then tell someone what they may or may not look up on the internet.

YABU.

TaraCarter · 25/04/2017 22:58

Er, it's very clear from the OP and following posts that the OP has told her MIL far more than she's told us...

All we on MN know is that he is dead and the relationship he had to his murderer.

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