To think MIL crossed the line

[CatherineHate]

This happened a few weeks ago, but seeing MIL again after a bit of holiday this week. I need help deciding how to go forward.

So DF is dead. He died when I was a young child in awful circumstances (was murdered by my aunt's abusive husband) and was the catalyst for a fucking shit decade for my family.

So understandably, I don't talk about it.

Anyway, MIL decided to pry into my father's death and was asking a million questions- as if I'd lie about something like this and kept pushing to the point that I had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

That night, I heard her asking DP (who obviously knows the full story) for more information. Luckily he knows what a nosey twat she can be and told her to shut up and that if I didn't tell her myself she isn't to know.

Roll around last Saturday. I had to catch a train pretty early and saw she was on her laptop my phone was being dodgy and wasn't getting the ticket from my email so I needed to resend it.
MIL let's me use hers, I type in my email's website and see the suggestions of "CatherineHate surname murder year of death" "Year of dad's death murder in town I grew up in" about twenty fucking Google searches of my dad's full name, Gov.UK for his death record, my DAunt and searches to see "how quickly you can die if you the murder weapon that was used on my dad"

I KNOW I am not being unreasonable and that MIL is fucking unhinged but I am living with her until March 2018. How can I live with her without wanting to tell her how mentally ill she is and that I never want to see her again

Fucking hell, it's one thing to do a quiet Google search, but to ask a million prying questions is seriously shitty behaviour. I'm assuming the OP meant mentally ill as shorthand for "she's crazy", which is not great, but everyone uses slang on occasion (OP - your MIL is not metally ill, just a bitch)

I am sorry to read about your experience. . Clearly your MIL has no idea how upsetting and triggering discussing your experience is. Not saying that's an excuse.

YANBU to expect her to respect your wish not to discuss what occurred. With this in mind unfortunately you can't stop some people's morbid curiosity

YABVU to lable your MILs morbid curiosity as mental illness. It's not she just sounds like a nosy woman with no idea how her behaviour could hurt you. At worst she's pushing boundaries.

I don't think you can realistically continue to live with your MIL. One of you needs to move out - is it her house, or yours?

I told her that he was murdered and by whom, and even gave her a very basic outline of the "unfortunate events" that followed his death. It's not that I said "he's dead" and closed the book.

I get the curiosity and maybe she isn't mentally ill and it's my emotions but I just don't find it OK to Google things like how long it probably took my dad to die.

I think the question about the time it would have taken is horrific and goes way beyond curiosity.

I think Googleing something you are curious about is a perfectly normal thing to do.
Two years ago my cousin was convicted of attempting to murder a colleague. Naturally my aunt was very reluctant to share any details and I didn't press her. But we Googled it because I was curious as to how this childhood friend had turned into a convicted axe murderer.

She's not mentally ill, just curious. Why not let your DP tell her instead?

She has crossed the line - hideous for you. Agree with pp that there is a really strange fascination that some people have with real life crime, but regardless of that she should have put her consideration for you first. Good luck working out a strategy to deal with this!

Googling how long he took to die - which is pretty weird - might have been because it came up in a newspaper article which made her curious.
Maybe a word from DP that you saw what she was looking up online and were quite distressed by it might be enough for her to look at it from your point of view and forget about it.

I did tell her what happened, which is how she knew what to look for when Googling.

I understand morbid curiosity, but there is a line and she don't agree with the fact she was searching for evidence of the shit that happened after.

I think the best thing is to not mention it to her but never forget about what she's done.
I'm a private person by nature - especially about this time in my life, so the fact that she betrayed my trust, stings

What else does she want to know? She know he died, how he was killed and the effect on the family. An interest in real life crime is removed from the actual people if you read a book IYSWM. To want to know the gory details about how long it took a person to die and the extent of his injuries is just weird and beyond nosy, especially when you know their child.

The Op has got the message about the mentally ill comment. No need to keep on about it.
MN has a terrible habit of missing the point of a post in favour of harping on about a single detail. Lay off now.

catherine this must be very distressing for you and I can understand why you are so upset. You MIL has taken something deeply traumatic and life changing and turned it into some sort of weird hobby for her.
The fact she googled it on your lap top is even worse.
There is no need to be so indiscreet and some of the 'yeah well I would google too' responses are coming across as flippant.

Your dad was taken from you in the worst way. Its horrible that this woman is being so disrespectful.

I am so sorry

I think what she did was disgusting and shows utter contempt for you. I don't agree with the posters saying "aw she was jus curious an all" - what a bitch. I think you need to tell your partner to confront her about it , please don't start your life together by pandering to her in case she gets upset, she clearly has the capacity to make your life a complete misery.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and also for how this is upsetting you now.

But I could well be your MIL. I'm a bit of an infomaniac (or just plain nosey) and anytime anything peeks my interest I google about it. I am sitting here watching TV and already have googled to find out more information on a subject, so I absolutely know I would have also have googled your terrible trauma. I wouldn't have told anyone, wouldn't have meant to be unkind or make you unhappy, but I know my curiosity would have made me search. Maybe your MIL is like me?

I hope that you feel better soon.

💐So sorry that your future MiL is prying and poking into a painful part of your childhood. Horrible for you. Can you get a promise that she will NEVER mention it to you again? Otherwise living with her could be difficult and stressful. She's an insensitive bat.

There is no need to be so indiscreet and some of the 'yeah well I would google too' responses are coming across as flippant

I am very sorry OP if my response was flippant. I was just being honest and apologise.

I would imagine if something happened to you as the OP describes you would have a different attitude towards privacy having had people be nosey your entire life. I can't imagine how you feel.

Mil has pushed it and been insensitive because she can't imagine how you feel. I think very few people will understand the nuances of your emotions.

However, you have lived through shit times and I imagine you now just want a peaceful life. Ask your DH to tell her to shut up as you are upset and then you just get on with being happy.

I wasnt being flippant i was being honest.

In all honesty I am dreadfully morbidly curious myself and would probably have googled too. I'm not proud of this but I don't think it makes me a bad person...I'm certainly not known for getting in about people's business or anything. I don't have mental health issues either.

I dunno...I'm sorry you have felt so harassed and offended by this. I'm sure it wasn't her intention.

The MIL was using her own laptop not the OPs

I'm afraid that I also think it's curiosity and I'm sorry but I don't see what harm she's causing!

Ok the questioning was in bad taste but you asked her to stop and she did.

It's unfortunate that you saw the search but she mightn't know how to clear her history.

Why are you living with her until next year?

She sounds deeply unpleasant and the way she went about it (asking you then your DP when you weren't there then googling) seems like she feels entitled to know, doesn't care about trempling your boundaries.
I agree with PP and your resolution to get your ducks in a row, move out and not to mention it again/create drama.