To think MIL crossed the line

[CatherineHate]

This happened a few weeks ago, but seeing MIL again after a bit of holiday this week. I need help deciding how to go forward.

So DF is dead. He died when I was a young child in awful circumstances (was murdered by my aunt's abusive husband) and was the catalyst for a fucking shit decade for my family.

So understandably, I don't talk about it.

Anyway, MIL decided to pry into my father's death and was asking a million questions- as if I'd lie about something like this and kept pushing to the point that I had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

That night, I heard her asking DP (who obviously knows the full story) for more information. Luckily he knows what a nosey twat she can be and told her to shut up and that if I didn't tell her myself she isn't to know.

Roll around last Saturday. I had to catch a train pretty early and saw she was on her laptop my phone was being dodgy and wasn't getting the ticket from my email so I needed to resend it.
MIL let's me use hers, I type in my email's website and see the suggestions of "CatherineHate surname murder year of death" "Year of dad's death murder in town I grew up in" about twenty fucking Google searches of my dad's full name, Gov.UK for his death record, my DAunt and searches to see "how quickly you can die if you the murder weapon that was used on my dad"

I KNOW I am not being unreasonable and that MIL is fucking unhinged but I am living with her until March 2018. How can I live with her without wanting to tell her how mentally ill she is and that I never want to see her again

The full story of the death and shit that happened after can unbelievable. my best friend and DP (the only people who know the FULL story) asked me if I was making it up because to some people it's hard to believe that so much can go so wrong in a family.

And yes, my house had been Googled (home, voting records etc) before and my family have also been vetted online - she's admitted. I done the same as our families live far and only meet once a year. In the beginning if the relationship it was strange to stay at a strangers house

Agree Jay55. My Dad was murdered a number of years ago while going to the aid of a virtual stranger. I know how he was killed but even I have never wanted to know how long it took him to die. That information is just for the ghoulish and it doesn't make him any less dead. Catherine.

Ok, so your history sounds unbelievable and you've googled them, too.

Are you on a wind up?!

Christ, definitely crossed a line and then some. I don't understand all the posters saying it's natural to be curious. Of course it's natural to be curious, but OP isn't some casual acquaintance - this is her DIL's personal history she's 'curious' about. OP made it clear she didn't want to discuss it further and her DP made it clear it isn't MIL's business. If she'd respected that, then maybe that would eventually have paved the way to a level of closeness where OP would want to share the whole story. Fat chance of that now. I think she's well and truly trampled over perfectly reasonable boundaries. YANBU, OP, and I'm very sorry for everything you've been through.

Yeah I Googled them because she lives abroad and I was staying a week with them when I first met DP. I Googled to show my mum this is DPs family and address. that's quite normal I think.

Anyway, I'm not winding anybody up and you've made your stance on this very clear.

OP, I am not at all surprised this has upset you,

It may we'll be common human nature to be curious, and want details, the full story.

But your reaction is important and we need to remember how 'curiosity' feels like intrusion, even violation, to a victim.

If you were my DIL and I could see your sensitivity and need for privacy, I would actually prefer NOT to know things, to respect you.

Can't people ever put anyone else first in their need to know, comment, ask, find out....

Also, since she has gone about it so determinedly, asking you, DH, Google in increasingly lurid enquiries, it is obvious her intent is voyeuristic not empathetic with you.

So pleased your DH has your back.

I don't have advice but I fully understand why you are upset.

There is a world of difference between a basic Google of someone (similar to that an employer might do) and actively delving into something like this. I'm sure the OP could cope with a FB check or current address/job check. This is really disturbing.

I don't think it shows contempt for you, which is how a pp read it. I had a friend whose SIL died in very similar circumstances, and I did google it. Partly because I wanted to be sensitive to my friend and know what not to say, and partly because I was curious, it was in the news at the time, I'd read about it before I knew my friend, and I wasn't sure if what I remembered was mixed up with another tragic event in the news at the same time. My friend had talked about it with me, and I wasn't being disrespectful, I really did care about her. The repercussions were a huge issue for them as a family and there was an ongoing court case, so having more info helped me talk about with her and support her. I think your MIL probably had a knee-jerk reaction to the information as it was so shocking and upsetting- maybe if you are very private, she would like to be closer to you and asking questions is her trying to do this? I completely understand how upsetting this is for you, of course. I'm not trying to minimise your hurt, I just think it may be more of a huge personality difference between the two of you, and different ways of dealing with things, rather than her deliberately being uncaring. I can imagine asking someone close to me about something like this, especially someone who had become part of my family. I am quite open about things, and can imagine accidentally hurting someone who was very private. (I do try not to do this, of course) Your DH should have a chat to her i think, and explain how you feel.

Ngl I would google :/ I do it when people have been put in jail who I went to school with. But, she should respect your wishes and not ask you- you being very close to the issue obviously makes her curiosity seem very heinous to you but tbh I do think it's natural.
I'm sorry for what happened to your DF and the effect it had on you, it must've been truly awful x

OP how long timewise was it between you and your DH telling her to stop being so nosey and you finding those searches on her computer?

I'm wondering if she's just searched a lot but only once to try and pry, or if it's something she did over quite a sustained period of time.

Although I agree with how long it took him to die is just weird, very morbid, I wouldn't want to have to know that even if it were my own relative ...shudders

Catherine, I understand that this is difficult for you, but you're drip feeding details and getting arsey with how people are responding. It's all a bit unnecessary.

Anyway, as has been said I think it's a case of put up or move out.

She is free to continue googling (though I wouldn't given how it upsets you) and you're free not to live there. It's an unfortunate side-effect of taking someone's generosity. It can be double edged!

I apologise for being arsey, I felt that I was being accused of trolling and this is something I would never lie about.
I'm trying not to drip feed, but at the same time I need to be cautious with what I say IYSWIM.

Anyway, as you and other posters have said, there is very little I can do about it. I will tell her tomorrow that she was out of line with what she's done and have DP reinforce

For me, the important thing here would be if mil is generally caring towards you? Is she otherwise kind and compassionate to you? Do you feel that you are developing a loving, long-term relationship?

We could all be curious in certain circumstances and I think I could forgive this if there's a loving foundation overall.

I didn't mean for it to seem as though I thought you were trolling.

I believe you 100% and feel for you. I really do.

But if you have to stay there, it's better to try not to sweat it. Though speaking to her again is, I think, a good thing.

Vix, don't you think googling your friend's SIL's death in order to be sensitive is a bit different from googling your own DIL's father's death when she's asked you to respect her privacy? The degree of closeness isn't really comparable imo.

Hi I saw this thread last night and didn't comment because it was hard to know what to say. I'm really sorry your mil has upset you by searching for information on such a tragic and awful experience for you. I haven't had anything like this happen to me. My dad died when I was in my teens. We were given 3.5 weeks to say goodbye and that was tough enough.

I'm a naturally curious person and if this had have happened to my dad, I'd want to know everything including how long it took him to die. Not for some twisted and perverse reason but because I need to know otherwise I would probably struggle to process the horror of the event. My dad was coughing up blood and lung and I wanted to know why and how that felt, to take the pain away. I looked after him when my brother would have been unable. I also wanted to know why and how all of the other things that were happening because it would have felt like it had given me back some level of control. And peace.

If your mil is an otherwise "normal" and caring person, perhaps she did it because she was struggling to understand the event and how awful it was both for you and for your dad. She sounds very different from you and not at all a private person. For her, maybe she sees what she did as respecting your need for personal privacy. I don't know why she wants to know everything about the event. I hope it is because she wants to better understand and support you. In her shoes, I wouldn't be able to sleep properly, making up stories in my head about how awful it was for little you as a kid. If she does love you, I'd want to scoop you up and hug you. It doesn't sound as if you'd want this from her at all. Maybe she's trying to find some kind of connection to you and this was her clumsy way of doing it. Maybe not and only you know her so I don't want to project. I hope this different interpretation will give you some solace.

My mum remarried and I grew to love my stepdad, who she was married to for 26 years. He died last month from a horrible illness, which left him unable to talk, move, eat and much more for several years. Part of me wanted him to be donated to medical science to better understand why he suffered and what made him ill. This is because I'm very angry about how he and my mother blindly took advice from the medical profession. I believe some of the medication he took caused or exacerbated the disease. I have spent a lot of time online researching his condition and the drugs and this isn't morbid curiosity even though it was far too late to do anything about his deteriorating health. It's trying to understand what I can never know.

I hope this helps

Amazing post, Mummyoflittledragon, how generous of you to share that. I hope it helps the OP too.

Thanks MrsLupo

You're married to her son. Maybe she wants to know more about you for his sake.

How can I live with her without wanting to tell her how mentally ill she is and that I never want to see her again

Perhaps you should not take advantage of people you loathe, and get out of her house?

There are more people like her than you may think.
There will be other people you know who will have googled your family's history. They just don't ask you to your face.

Your mil is nosey and insensitive. That is just who she is. I know it is upsetting for you to relive or be reminded of it but as you have to live with her perhaps you could tell her you have found it upsetting that she has been nosey about it?

I'n going to have to disagree with most posters- I would never google for further details in a situation like this, whether you were my DIL, SIL or MIL. Such ghoulish curiosity would feel so horribly intrusive. Probably because it is.

TBH I find her googling more normal than your googling.

People are curious and you didn't want to talk about it so she googled. I probably would too. But I have never googled a potential partners parents house before especially to show to my mum. Thats odd Unless your trying to work out his inheritance!