To think MIL crossed the line

[CatherineHate]

This happened a few weeks ago, but seeing MIL again after a bit of holiday this week. I need help deciding how to go forward.

So DF is dead. He died when I was a young child in awful circumstances (was murdered by my aunt's abusive husband) and was the catalyst for a fucking shit decade for my family.

So understandably, I don't talk about it.

Anyway, MIL decided to pry into my father's death and was asking a million questions- as if I'd lie about something like this and kept pushing to the point that I had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

That night, I heard her asking DP (who obviously knows the full story) for more information. Luckily he knows what a nosey twat she can be and told her to shut up and that if I didn't tell her myself she isn't to know.

Roll around last Saturday. I had to catch a train pretty early and saw she was on her laptop my phone was being dodgy and wasn't getting the ticket from my email so I needed to resend it.
MIL let's me use hers, I type in my email's website and see the suggestions of "CatherineHate surname murder year of death" "Year of dad's death murder in town I grew up in" about twenty fucking Google searches of my dad's full name, Gov.UK for his death record, my DAunt and searches to see "how quickly you can die if you the murder weapon that was used on my dad"

I KNOW I am not being unreasonable and that MIL is fucking unhinged but I am living with her until March 2018. How can I live with her without wanting to tell her how mentally ill she is and that I never want to see her again

Mumsnet is full of true crime fans. Any one of them would have done the same as your mil has, I get handed my arse when I tell them I think it's ghoulish and unpleasant. Interesting that everyone suddenly agrees with me when it's a mil doing it.

DP and I are in the middle of major renovations atm, we need to save every penny we can so living with MIL. My own mother lives abroad so not feasible.

and MadMags there is something very intrusive in Googling how somebody's father died. She googled other things relating to me and family that are fucking shit to Google about anybody let alone your DIL.
The examples I've given here are the "nice" ones.

I think it's human nature to be curious.

I am also a true crime fan! (hello any fellow Mumsnet Murderinos!)

But it was a shock to see such intrusive things being Googled about somebody so close.

As somebody else mentioned the distance from the murders I usually follow is what makes it "OK" IYSWIM.

Well, you didn't mention them in your OP so I wasn't to know that.

Some people like true crime stuff and I'd imagine she's even more curious because it's close to home, though of course it must feel weird to you...

A nosy MIL might be the price you pay for rent free accommodation for a year.

Is it that it seems like she was fact checking your story that hurts, Cath? I think that seems very intrusive.

Maybe you should find somewhere to rent for a year. If you can't get part what your MiL has done your next year is going to be hell.

Unfortunately I think you either keep quiet or move out.

I'm sorry for what happened to your dad, and that your MIL was being a nosy bitch, but just because she did something nasty...doesn't mean she is mentally ill. It's bloody offensive that people are described as mentally ill instead of 'nasty and 'nosy' and 'selfish'. We don't choose to be mentally ill. And it doesn't make me a bad person to be so!

OP, true crime fan here too (waves) 😆

I fully admit I would have been curious enough to Google it, however I would have done it quietly and I certainly wouldn't be asking 50 questions if I knew it was a subject you didn't want to discuss. That's just rude and she should respect your wishes. DH sounds like he has her number.

Given that you had already told her the basic details, I agree that she is taking this too far, especially googling how long he would have taken to die FFS. She is insensitive and heartless and your DP needs to have a word. Has anyone asked her why she's doing it?

I get her curiosity but from your op it sounds as though you believe she questions whether you are telling the truth. That is pretty awful and damaging to any relationship.

I think it's natural for her to Google it....You are married to her son. She was looking for info that is in the public domain.

We do not know your MIL - there are lots of possibilities, ranging from she is a "nosy twat" to she wants to understand the young woman who is partner to her son. Not all these possibilities are negative ones.

TBH I would have been hard put to it not to google it.

You imply that her questions seemed to suggest that you were lying - what makes you think that? Did she say she thought you were? She may simply have been disbelieving/amazed that you had had to suffer something so very dreadful. Who wouldn't be?

It is, for very good reasons, a topic you find hard to talk about; but clearly it has shaped who you are (as with all your other life experiences) and her quest may simply be a way of trying to understand you better. It may not, of course, and you may have other sound reasons for your dislike of her; but if there are none, then maybe cut her a bit of slack. She is human too.

I am sorry that your life has included such a shocking experience.

Maybe she was trying to understand you through understanding your past.

She didn't expect you to see her Google searches. The only reason you saw them was because you asked to borrow her laptop, unexpectedly, while you were living at her house to save money on rent so you could afford to renovate your own house. She's not sounding like the wicked witch of the west based on that.

Maybe your DH could tell her you saw those searches and tell her this has crossed the line from curiosity and concern into ghoulishness and how much it has upset you. Might at least make her feel guilty

I am afraid to say that if a child of mine was in a relationship with someone who had something horrendous in their past, I would do my damnedest to find out everything I possibly could about it........

I really don't see what she has done wrong aside from being really nosey , you and your husband have obviously half told her a story ie your father was murdered and she is curious as to the details and you and your dh don't wish to share . It's human nature and I think if you don't want people to be curious and ask questions perhaps you should have just not told her anything other than your father is deceased . I don't think what she's done is that bad and if you can't just say nothing perhaps you should move out .

I couldn't imagine googling like that - one thing to know what happened but that kind of purient interest is ghoulish.

Well. As distasteful as it all is, it's all probably public knowledge - death records, autopsy, coroners report, presumably a court case? newspaper reporting, the will (if there was one) and so forth.

It would be much simpler if you just told her one of two things (a) what you know (b) say you cant remember as you were too young/blanked it out. Actually there is a (c) option - your DH tells her

I also would look, I'm just nosey.

If you were my DiL and said "My dad was murdered ", I would never ask for information you did not provide. But I'd probably quietly Google if I had unanswered questions. And I'd keep my mouth shut about what I learnt.

But she did it on her own laptop, so I'm sure she had no idea you'd ever see her searches.

If you're stuck there, the best you can do is try to accept that she was curious and move on.

I'm afraid I use google for sorts of information too. And LinkedIn. And Facebook. Things that are absolutely none of my business about people I only vaguely know. I once even used google maps to see the outside of someone's house. I know when I am doing it I am being very nosey. I think it is human curiosity and while it isn't very nice or necessary, I understand why people do it.

There's a big difference to me in looking up old newspaper articles on it and googling how long it would have take someone to die.

I really don't understand the people giving her a pass on this. Not so much the googling but the constant prying into such a hurtful and emotionally fragile time. She sounds as though she was trying to either make you cry/break down or just has zero empathy/boundary issues. She kept on pressing even after you made it clear this wasn't up for discussion. Most people would either have the empathy not to push or would have quietly googled (and then deleted). If she wanted to only understand you, she'd have actually listened to you saying you didn't want to talk about it. Even if it ends up taking longer to complete renovations, please look at moving away as soon as possible for your mental health. Glad your DH has your back.