To tell them to stay away

[Madammim17]

DS is just over 12 months old. Ex of seven years left me five months into my pregnancy and, after two months of abusive and horrible messages from his family and absolutely nothing good from him, I've not heard a thing from any of them since. DS and I have a lovely little life together, he goes to nursery while I work full time and even though money is tight, we have lots of family and friends close by so DS is absolutely surrounded by positivity and love.

This weekend I received a message from ex's mum (took me a while to realise who it was all I'd blocked and deleted all numbers so she obviously got a new one) telling me that ex has decided that he wants to meet DS and I have no right to stop him and that they all have a right to see DS. I haven't responded, but my first initial knee-jerk reaction was to type out a furious message saying who in their right mind would allow somebody who actively chose to not be involved in their child's life anywhere near them?!

Am I being unreasonable to tell them to sod the fuck off and to stay away from DS?

Thank you for all your replies everybody, they've cheered me up if nothing else! The texts are great, much more reasonable than I feel haha but I agree with other posters that it's likely to open the door to a load of hell that I really just don't need to deal with. I only ever tolerated her as I found her a difficult woman anyway and this is only highlighting how horrible she is. I've no idea if ex is behind or aware of it or not, nothing would surprise me. I've had a brief chat with my dad who said to just ignore it, if she does it again then report her for harassment.

I'll be honest, I don't want ex to have anything to do with DS; any man who can actively choose to not be involved in his kid's life and act like they don't exist shouldn't ever be allowed to waltz back in as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure people will disagree with me but I just can't bear the impact it would have on DS because it would never be good and even though I wish he had a dad, I'd rather he have no dad than a shit one

Ignore it and she might think youve changed numbers...result. Love the username by the way, singing 'Marvellous Madam Mimm' while cooking dinner x

Monkeychopsticks I bloody hope so! I just wish I knew why now, or why she or they think that now is a good time

Haha thanks, HappyLabrador said something similar; it's a hilarious yet annoyingly catchy song

My ex walked away from my older son when he was a baby and I stupidly pushed for them to see each other a few years later when XP had sorted himself out. I basically facilitated a cruel rejection that my son remembers, and if I could turn back time, I wouldn't do that again.
My son later said he'd like to try and contact him. I made contact with XP, XP said no! I then said to my son that I'd changed my mind and that I thought he should wait until he's an adult. I'd rather DS blame me than be rejected again. He hasn't blamed me.
I don't think anyone would mistake XMIL's message as an attempt to make amicable arrangements. My younger DC has a father who would like to be involved, but he's a violent alcoholic and is completely poisonous. So I've stopped contact, and that includes with his poisonous family too. Not a decision I made lightly, especially with my experiences with ds1. But the right decision. I'd rather dc2 potentially resents me than is emotionally abused with their awful incessant poison or end up injured or dead if he should ever stand up or get in the way of his father. If you think your child will resent you for with holding contact with poisonous people, imagine their confusion and hatred once they've got their claws into your child.
Your child didn't ask for any of this crap, and you're brilliant for keeping his childhood sweet and happy, and abuse free

how do you know it is from her and meant for you? I would ignore on the basis that she and he have been abusive in the past.

if ex contacts you then I would go with mediation if he can manage not to be abusive to you, if he is abusive it will have to go through a third party.

make him build up contact gradually because he will be a stranger to your child. he has got to work to change his stranger status to reliable dad.

If I were you I'd would reply saying ex is welcome to contact me directly regarding access or go through official channels. As much as you don't want it, your son might want his dad in his life at some point. You can't be certain your ex will stick around, but at least you will be able to say you allowed him that chance. My cousin was taken to court after refusing access in similar circumstances and it just led to a load of shit at which point a judge ordered that the father have contact. By that time so many horrible words had been exchanged thay it got really messy. If you seem agreeable and he messes up he is less likely to take you to court next time because it will look bad on him. Don't say anything to the mother, only deal with your ex. They all sound horrible. I hope it is the mother blustering and it comes to nothing.

Definitely ignore ignore ignore ignore. And also ignore any plonker who rants on about access at all cost is better than no access. No it is not, you are doing the right thing. I wish so hard I had ignored all the access at all costs brigade. It caused years and continues to cause grief, stress and is no benefit to my DS at all. It's all demands, their entitlement, it's never about my DS, and it never will be. They moan rant scream, threaten about any activity (sport, camps, school homework) that cuts into their time constantly - they don't give a damn about the child - it's all about them (I have to stand up to them constantly, when I just want them to crawl over and die). I rue the day I let them all back in. Just don't do it, they all sound bloody horrible people, not the sort you want around your Child. And to the access at all costs brigade, put your fairy wings where the sun doesn't shine.

Ignore her and her texts. If he wants to see his son-he needs to contact you himself.

Exactly. You've had some great advice, OP. She has no legal rights to have contact. Ignore her. If your ex gets in touch, there's not much you can do if he's determined, but it doesn't sound like he is. Ignore nasty ex-mil.

When he grows some balls and contacts you himself, then see how you feel. Ignore this Looneytoxic woman and use this time to get informed. Consider:
Contact with him means contact with her.
Can you trust them to behave like rational adults given their tone of communication?
Your child needs an adult father figure, not one who gets mummy to wipe his ass.
Check your rights and legal position
Calculate back maintenance and keep this in mind
Do not communicate with her but keep anything she sends you as evidence of her behaviour in case it is needed.
Best of luck!

I would reply to say that her son may contact you via his solicitor and that you will cooperate via the legal system in respect of any future contact, that, considering the communications that you received from them between xx date and xx date and the lack of contact or financial support from their son since ds was born, you consider it to be in the best interest of your son for the matter to be dealt with this way.

And see a solicitor now, gather together all the communications, all evidence and hope it comes to nothing.

Ps would he or his family have financial resources to take this to court and do you have someone who could assist with legal services and costs - check out if you are entitled to help and get clued up on the legal process.

If you reply you will encourage them. I can't stress this enough

That's what people like them like to do: to know they get to you.

Don't feed them or their egos

Get advice on rights etc, but do not acknowledge that text.

Thank you so much everybody for all your brilliant advice, it's been really helpful. I received another two texts today from ex's mum full of excuses for her attitude and more passive aggressiveness and crap about how I need to take responsibility in this situation, it's hard for her and the family, I'm denying my son etc. Of course I haven't replied but as you can imagine, the fury is great and it was hard to stop myself.

I've chosen to ignore it still and I won't do anything unless I receive anything official, which my dad and his solicitor friend doubt I will anyway so I'm trying not to worry but definitely getting as informed as I can. Saying that, I'm still scared that ex will rear his ugly head and that he'll get access to DS; I just find it so morally wrong that men like him are allowed to have that after what they've done

Can you not block her number to make sure you stop receiving her text messages? Otherwise would you consider changing your number? I know it's a hassle but if it means she can't contact you then it would be worth it.

I completely agree with not responding to anything unless you get something official. Stay strong.

Yeah I think I'm going to block it, I was worried it could be held against me if this went to court but apparently it wouldn't be so I think it's probably the best thing to do, as clearly she isn't going to stop and my temper is pretty short as it is so I wouldn't be able to resist firing back eventually.

Thank you, I'm trying!

It must be so frustrating, if be full of fury at her too. You have taken full responsibility for your son from the moment you knew you were pregnant. Your ex and his family did nothing of the sort.

However it's easier for her to blame you and expect you to bend over backwards for them by trying to guilt you into doing what she wants.

I take back my previous advice and agree with block and ignore. It's not your ex getting in touch, it's his mother so you're not blocking your sons dad from a relationship as he's not attempting to have one.

I would however if you haven't already be screen shotting the messages and emailing them to yourself as a back up should your phone ever get lost / broken etc

OP, I think you're handling this very well. Block and ignore seems to be the way forward- if they send something more formal, deal with it then.