To tell them to stay away

[Madammim17]

DS is just over 12 months old. Ex of seven years left me five months into my pregnancy and, after two months of abusive and horrible messages from his family and absolutely nothing good from him, I've not heard a thing from any of them since. DS and I have a lovely little life together, he goes to nursery while I work full time and even though money is tight, we have lots of family and friends close by so DS is absolutely surrounded by positivity and love.

This weekend I received a message from ex's mum (took me a while to realise who it was all I'd blocked and deleted all numbers so she obviously got a new one) telling me that ex has decided that he wants to meet DS and I have no right to stop him and that they all have a right to see DS. I haven't responded, but my first initial knee-jerk reaction was to type out a furious message saying who in their right mind would allow somebody who actively chose to not be involved in their child's life anywhere near them?!

Am I being unreasonable to tell them to sod the fuck off and to stay away from DS?

I like the idea of recording all the events do date. Make sure what you right is facts, not opinion.

Bearing in mind that your ex could insist on contact if he wanted to do so, I would get some legal advice on the best way to respond now. This could be that start of a huge battle or it could fizzle out to nothing very quickly. If it is the beginning of a huge court battle, you need proper legal advice now so that your actions are appropriate from day one.
You need to know how any response could be viewed by the courts in the future but you also need to be able to demonstrate to your future teenager that you didn't stop her from seeing her father out of spite.
Don't send anything until you are sure of all the possible ramifications.

hhaa ex wants to see his son. whatever it's her who wants to see your DS.
tell her once all child support has been payed (backlog as well) from his birth until now you can consider.
ps also message her to tell her son to man up and message himself.

I would ignore her for now (or have you already responded?)

Get legal advice first and be ready and prepared in advance before replying in any way.

Thinking about what kind of family would even have a dynamic like that - is there any likelyhood that his mother was drunk when she sent the message?

It somehow seems depressingly fitting with the back story that she was just feeling drunkely sentimental about the grandchild she has never seen and worked herself up to drunken self righteous indignation before she texted, without having given it any prior thought nor spoken to her son at all about your son or contact?

If so she may not even remember sending the text!

they moved away during the midst of it all! what I do know is that they were in the family courts as after years of neglect and no support he wanted to play a role.

I have a feeling it got to contract centre supervised x

Your ex could insist on a DNA test through court. Then he could get his right to see your DS.

It's better to agree that your DS sees his Dad op. You don't need to agree to overnights or anything....just let him see him.

Your ex sounds shit but your child has a right to his Father.

OP what a difficult situation. I feel for you.

Agree with most posters saying ignore - Be very careful about what you put in writing to them. If they are as malicious as you say it could well be that they are trying to gather written evidence from you confirming your refusal to grant access and recognizing his status as your DS father.

Be very very careful. And wait for official contact through legal channels.

The advice about gathering and documenting all the evidence you have so far and putting together a written statement is also a very good one.

Good Luck OP - You sounds like a fantastic mother who has done her best for her child through very trying times.

Ignore it. If they're serious they'll go through solicitors court etc

Well done on being such a great parent in such difficult circumstances.

It is interesting to wonder what has caused this sudded urge to contact you.

However - as is noted above, this isn't contact with your exP - this is from his (abusive) mother. You need not respond. (It would be too easy to be provoked and to retaliate in a way that might make things difficult for you later.)

It doesn't seem to be in your child's interest to be in touch - not yet anyway.

I suggest that you do find a solicitor in order to be ready in case your ex does get in touch. If he does, communicate through the solicitor and keep everything as neat and tidy as possible.

Ex has no rights, the child has a right to a relationship with his father if it is in his best interests to do so. But Dad isn't doing the asking, his Mum is! I would reply along the lines of 'Thanks for your message. If ex would like to start seeing DS he is free to message me himself with his proposals for contact and maintenance so I can discuss it with my solicitor.' Then block her.

I wouldn't reply to her at all - even replying opens the door to further communication & might highlight that he is the dad.

Ignore & let him take a legal route if he really wants to. I agree with pp though, to get ahead of it, go to see a solicitor & listen to their advice. Good luck.

I would ignore her totally.

If her son really wants to instigate any sort of contact he can do it personally. I suspect she wants to see her grandson and her son has no interest. Until that day comes, when he is genuine and he's willing to sit down and outline a proper plan to visit for short periods, with a view to providing proper emotional and financial support for your son, facilities for appropriate visits etc, through the courts then they can all go sing. I suspect your ex has no intention of putting in that much effort, both emotionally and financially so it will never happen. If he really wants to form an appropriate and positive relationship with his son he will jump through hoops of fire to do it properly. I think you will find he will go very quiet. If he ever even asks at all. Ignore her. It will be for him to facilitate a relationship for your son with his mum , if that ever even happens, not you.

5moreminutes If only it was that, but she's just not a nice person, very entitled and passive aggressive.

user my son has a right to a decent father who wants and loves him, not a 'father' who doesn't care and that's my issue really, otherwise I'd agree with you entirely.

AaoograhaHoa and Goodasgoldilox Thank you, I am trying to be, although I sense that may not always be the view depending on how this goes. I've no idea; he did take off with somebody else so maybe something's happened there or maybe somebody saw me or something, I don't know, but it is weird. You've both given great advice, thank you.

@Madammim17, my DD's dad did in fact walk away completely while I was pregnant, and wasn't sure that he wanted to get to know her when she was small.

I know it feels SO hurtful, and like such a total rejection of your child -- but please don't let it put you off altogether! There is still potential for positive change if he wants a relationship and is capable of being an adult and working constructively and consistently to build one.

If you look at a lot of the research and material around adoption, it is pretty clear that children do benefit enormously from knowing where they come from -- it's even suggested now that it's so important that it may be worth facilitating ongoing contact even after adoption.

Thinking about your situation, though, my big concern would be around the abusive nature of the contact that your ex and his family have had with you. Unless they can show that they're able to stop doing that and behave like sensible polite adults, I'd be concerned about how that kind of behaviour would impact your child.

If you think there's any hope, then maybe it's worth making positive noises.

But letting them take it through the court system (if he actually wants to and has the money) might be best as it should ensure that whatever arrangements you come to are clearly laid out, minimise contact with you, and probably only give supervised contact...

pamplemousse That's pretty much what my mum said, though with much more fury and venom

NotMyPenguin I think what makes it so hard for me to deal with is that I just can't understand the lack of morals, like how can someone abandon their own child, how can someone be so horrible and then blame someone else etc, it makes me livid that it can happen and yet there's a possibility I would have to let them near my son, it makes me feel sick

I agree with Pamplemousse - it's often the GM who wants the contact. OP's ex may not know about his DM's message to OP.
The GM would have to get her DS to ask for contact through the courts and it might be supervised anyway. GM may give up.

Do not open a revolving door where they will be present in your son's life.

If you do not think you can trust them to maintain a healthy contact then insist all contact will be through solicitors and then 'get lawyered up'. If they do contact you, which I highly doubt, then at least you know they are dedicated to seeing him.

They have no 'right' to your son, he is not an object. He is a living human being whose best interest will be discerned by the courts. Legally, your ex doesn't have any parental responsibility and his mum can jog on.

If your ex isn't on the birth certificate then he hasn't got a leg to stand on and neither have his family. Before he even got any contact he would have to do a DNA test to prove that he is the dad and would he be willing to go to court to sort out access and CMS payments I doubt it so they can all go and swivel.

Ignore and block - that way she will never know she even has the correct number.

This looks like an attempt to control you and your actions to me - probably by your ex-s ghastly mother, as others have suggested.

You say that you haven't run into his family, but I wonder if they have heard/seen how well you and your child are doing, and are determined to put a spoke in your wheel? Or maybe a millionaire eccentric uncle has left your baby his fortune.

I think you are quite right to tread very carefully regarding access - make your ex prove himself. Reading about the other poster's little DD, thrilled to have a father only to have the wanker walk out of her life again, broke my heart. That poor little girl.

I went through something similar. My ex had no interest in DD until she was three. Then suddenly he wanted to nominate himself for dad of the year and started demanding contact. But the demands came from him, not his mother.

Ignore your former MIL. She has no rights in this situation and her attempts to communicate about it are irrelevant.

However, do start thinking about how you will respond if your ex makes contact with you.

When my ex started to want contact my initial reaction was to refuse, but I knew that was about me and not about what was best for my child. Her rights were what mattered and I had to conclude that she did have a right to know her dad, for all that he was a feckless, cheating, cockwombling twunt. But, by God, I made him work for it. I made it very clear that I was not going to allow him to come into her life if he was only going to end up doing another disappearing act. We went to mediation and worked out a very gradual and supervised process of introducing him into DD's life. Once he had proved his commitment he started to see her unsupervised. It has worked out well for us. DD knows her dad and has a good relationship with him which has benefited her.

So get clear in your head what you would want for your ds if your ex requests contact. And make sure that any communications that you send to your ex are things that you would be happy for a judge to see should it come to that.

But ignore MIL. Don't enter into any dialogue with her. She has no role to play in agreeing contact between your child and your ex.

YANBU.

I really don't understand the Mumsnet view that you should allow your kids to see their Dad regardless of verbal abuse and other vile behaviour.

If you allow access your DS is going to be spending time with a Dad who doesn't give a shit about him, and his Dad's Mum, who will no doubt be saying snide, nasty things about you within earshot. No way in hell would I allow that to happen.

Definitely seek legal advice. I'm pretty sure that if his Dad isn't on his birth certificate, and you're not receiving any maintenance, that his Dad has absolutely no access rights.

If he wants to see your son he will get in touch.

Ignore her and block this new number.

I agree with Cosmo, don't respond at at all. Too little, too late and you have your own life now. DS will not blame you.