To tell them to stay away

[Madammim17]

DS is just over 12 months old. Ex of seven years left me five months into my pregnancy and, after two months of abusive and horrible messages from his family and absolutely nothing good from him, I've not heard a thing from any of them since. DS and I have a lovely little life together, he goes to nursery while I work full time and even though money is tight, we have lots of family and friends close by so DS is absolutely surrounded by positivity and love.

This weekend I received a message from ex's mum (took me a while to realise who it was all I'd blocked and deleted all numbers so she obviously got a new one) telling me that ex has decided that he wants to meet DS and I have no right to stop him and that they all have a right to see DS. I haven't responded, but my first initial knee-jerk reaction was to type out a furious message saying who in their right mind would allow somebody who actively chose to not be involved in their child's life anywhere near them?!

Am I being unreasonable to tell them to sod the fuck off and to stay away from DS?

[Mombie2016]

Yep we're all good ExH was a lying gaslighting abusive tosser - after I wised up and stopped taking his shit he left, moved back in with his Mum and started doing the same shit to her I was more than willing to allow her a relationship with DS even tho ExH didn't/doesn't want one. It absolutely devastated me last October when she disappeared again I just kept looking at DS and crying, like how can she have tried twice to build a bond and then just left?! But ultimately I'm glad it happened during the baby years and not at an age when he'll remember like a PP posted about upthread

I remained calm and reasonable during all of this and if they ever do take me to court they are going to look incredibly stupid so make sure you do the same in order to protect you both.

Children aren't toys to be picked up, played with, discarded once bored then picked up again. It's disgraceful behaviour.

Meanwhile my eldest two have a great relationship with their Dad and we get along very well.

[Madammim17]

That really is awful, but I'm glad that it shall settled down for you and that things are good! You're a strong lady

One of my dad's closest friends is a recently retired solicitor who I chatted to briefly back when everything hit the fan so I might have another talk with him soon and see if he has any helpful advice. I really just can't understand why she/he/they are doing this now; DS and I have a nice little routine and he's a very happy child, I'd hate for all that to be distrusted just for some undeserving assholes who will only likely cause him pain in the long run.

[Xmasbaby11]

I'd want the contact to be directly from the father, not his mum. Personally I would want my son to have a relationship with his father unless he would be at risk in some way. 1 year old is very young and he could grow up knowing his dad. It depends entirely whether the dad can be a reliable and trustworthy person. I think even occasional contact is better than none at all, isn't it? However I haven't been in this position so prepared to be told I'm wrong.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Thanks very much Madam, its a good plan you got. Message her that: "due to you being abusive and nasty to me, I do not wish to communicate with you personally, if you wish to have contact with your son, please use the official channels and I will support that" That way you are not saying that he cannot have contact, that he has to put effort in and apply to court. If he wants to have contact with his son, he will make the effort to go to court, if he does not, he won't bother.

[notangelinajolie]

Ignore her and her texts. If he wants to see his son - he needs to contact you himself.

[Xmasbaby11]

Sorry I have just reread your op and you say he's abusive. I take back my encouraging comments - I think you're quite right not wanting any contact.

So sorry I didn't read it properly, thought I had. Recently had operation and on lots of medication, concentration span is terrible!

[mummypeepee]

She must know as a grandparent she has no rights over your child and is just saying Ex wants to see him to get her own way. I wouldn't reply. Let them initiate court if that's what they want but obviously he has no parental right

[Wormulonian]

How do you think she got your new mobile number? Do you live local to one another - could she turn up. I would ignore the text but start getting legal advice. Do not get drawn into that family's web.

[happypoobum]

I would ignore it.

It's just a text - you could have changed your number, it's a very lazy and informal means of communication and I don't really think it would be considered in court. I have accidentally deleted texts and emails before, it's not really valid as formal communication.

If DS father wanted to contact him I am sure he could find a way of communicating with you, by writing to you c/o your family or similar. You have no idea if it is even true that XP wants to see DS, it could all be a crock of shit and she texted you on a whim or when she was drunk.

I would ignore and change my number.

[Madammim17]

XmasBaby1 I really don't agree that occasional contact is better than none; I've seen the impact of that too many times and it's so hard on the kids. He was only abusive when things went to shit, before that he was merely lazy, childish and somewhat argumentative. However, him leaving also resulted in him telling me I was a cunt and that I'd be a shit mother, exploding into full shouting fits over the phone when I'd try to reason with him, repeatedly beeped his car horn over me when I was trying to talk to him in the car on the day he left; he even laughed in my face when I was crying in front of him after I found out he'd left for somebody else. When I asked him why he wouldn't just sit and talk about it properly, his response was 'because I don't like you.' May not sound like much compared to some things that others have been through obviously but it was beyond appalling what he was saying and his actions themselves were of an incredibly selfish man and while I don't necessarily believe he'd be like that towards DS, I don't for one second believe that I could trust him to co-parent or to do what's best or to even get up off his arse and make even half of the effort I would expect a decent dad to make. He'd be difficult on purpose just to be a twat to me.

Haha don't be sorry, I've got constant baby brain so I understand

[Madammim17]

Wormulonian I never changed my number, I deleted and blocked all of theirs, and social media etc but she must have got a new phone or found some poor sap to send the text for her because it was a number I didn't know. I figured that blocking them would be enough to keep them away but clearly I was a fool to think that! She could at my parents home but not at my house.

happypoobum I really am hoping that is the case!

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

"Grandparents do not have any rights.
Fathers do not have any rights, they have responsibilities.
Has your son any interest in facing up to his responsibilities? I can send him details of my solicitor and your son can send me 12 months of back dated child support.
Then maybe, just maybe he can think about his "rights".
and you can fuck off exMIL "

[TeaQuiero]

Don't reply.

Scummy Dad can chase his own rights (he won't.)

Scummy Gran hasn't a leg to stand on. Block her.

[PrettyGoodLife]

There are so many sides to this. Firstly the request for contact was an abusive demand, secondly it immediately put the onus on you that denial would automatically mean that you were a bad mother (regardless of your rationale) - once those issues are set aside there is your natural wish to do the best for your son now and in the long term. Their bullying approach must make things way more difficult than anything you should have to deal with.
good luck, I hope it does not open too many old wounds.

[Hissy]

I urge you to ignore, responding will give them power that they know they have got to you.

Change your number. It's clear that they have nothing good to give.

IF he wanted to start contact, HE can request it. She can ftfo.

[mariefab]

The only circumstances that I can think of where a Family Court would hold ignoring that text against you; would be if they were presented with conclusive evidence that you knew that your Ex was so disabled that he was incapable of speaking or writing to you himself.

[Timeforteaplease]

Slightly modified BreakfastAtSquiffanys

If your son is interested in facing up to his responsibilities, I can send him details of my solicitor and he can make 12 months of back dated child support and also agree payments going forward. Then maybe I will consider access.
But he must communicate through my solicitor - I will not discuss this with you. Do not contact me again.*
Then block.

[Timeforteaplease]

And change your phone number.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

Timeforteaplease
Excellent edit!

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

as excellent as the texts are, I would ignore! 2 reasons:

(1) a text is not a fucking legal method of communication
(2) then Op has opened the floodgates for scummygran to text back, which will stress OP, and OP has done nothing bad and does not deserve stress and abuse

don't communicate with abusers

fuck her, ignore

[HappyLabrador]

Madammim She sounds like an awful woman, what a horrible thing to say to you whilst you're pregnant! She doesn't deserve to see your little boy.

I suppose at least you have some evidence of their awful attitude and behaviour.

I love your username by the way

[HiggeldyPiggeldy]

I have been in a similar position, my advice would be to reply to the text along the lines of;

"I am very pleased to hear from you that ex would like to be a part of ds life, however given the history of abuse from you this will need to be between ex and I, and formally via a solictor and court order. If you can ask him to make contact via a solicitor, we can make start the process of arranging contact and also for child maintenance via the csa. I would ask that you do not contact me again as this is between ex and I"

after sending that or similar I would block her number and forget about it, you may or may not hear from them and a court reading that would see you are being reasonable, in future so will your son

personally I would prefer to say fuck off you load of wank stains you do not deserve to be part of my ds life

[Ceto]

a text is not a fucking legal method of communication

Not really correct. The law is more modern than you might think about recognising modern methods of communication, and if they wanted to make a case that, say, OP had been ignoring their reasonable attempts to sort this out amicably, absolutely the text would be admissable as evidence of that fact.

[MrsTwix]

Get a new number.

If he wants contact he can wrote to you. Not his mum.

[MrsTwix]

write (autocorrect fail)