To tell them to stay away

[Madammim17]

DS is just over 12 months old. Ex of seven years left me five months into my pregnancy and, after two months of abusive and horrible messages from his family and absolutely nothing good from him, I've not heard a thing from any of them since. DS and I have a lovely little life together, he goes to nursery while I work full time and even though money is tight, we have lots of family and friends close by so DS is absolutely surrounded by positivity and love.

This weekend I received a message from ex's mum (took me a while to realise who it was all I'd blocked and deleted all numbers so she obviously got a new one) telling me that ex has decided that he wants to meet DS and I have no right to stop him and that they all have a right to see DS. I haven't responded, but my first initial knee-jerk reaction was to type out a furious message saying who in their right mind would allow somebody who actively chose to not be involved in their child's life anywhere near them?!

Am I being unreasonable to tell them to sod the fuck off and to stay away from DS?

[TheWitTank]

Another here who would ignore (and change my phone number). If he wants contact then he can instigate it, not his mum.

[MimiSunshine]

For future proofing reasons I'd be replying with something along the lines of:

There is a lot of damage to repair from the abusive way you and your son treated me while I was pregnant. As you have not been in touch at all since I was 7 months pregnant my son doesn't know you so my future contact will be managed slowly.
If ex does want to build a relationship then HE can get in touch via email at [new email address set up for this purpose only]. Contact in any other form or from anyone other than ex will not be acknowledged

[Ceto]

I think you should follow stormwhale's advice. If he does get a solicitor involved, at least this will show that he is serious and you won't have to deal with the family direct.

[Madammim17]

pinkheart That's besides the point, my mum was married to my brother's dad for ten years and he turned into a woman beating drunk so the length of time doesn't always necessarily suggest the positivity of the relationship. He was always lazy and during the run up to when he left and for the short time after, he was terribly cruel.

saucyjack I'd hardly call my reaction to my ex neglecting his son bitter, though I appreciate the point you're making.

Like lotusbomb said, the potential for heartbreak is very great here and I don't want my son having to deal with that.

Thanks for all your replies, I didn't expect so many so it's hard to reply to all!

[Madammim17]

Nofucks She's always been a cow so it's hardly surprising to me! She told me during my pregnancy that I had to take responsibility for ex leaving because clearly it had to be something I had done

[Madammim17]

HappyLabrador Yeah I've still got all the messages, including the ones telling me to have an abortion if I don't like the new circumstances of our relationship.

[rightsofwomen]

I would not ignore, but reply "I will communicate directly with ex regarding residency of our son"

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I would also ignore , literally nothing back whatsoever.

if he want to see his son, legally he should be the one to contact you as he is the father. there is no such thing at Grandparents rights

here is the thing, if she sent a nice text- well maybe its worth considering.

but she sends a fucking shitty text like that, after all this time. fuck her, she should be crawling on glass.

however, to stop this stressing you out take control.

(1) write a concise written account of what happened, make it as legal friendly as you can, this will save you having to repeat yourself if it gets legal.

(2) start to do your own research on parental rights, invest into the best book (try Amazon) and clue yourself up

then whilst this will stress you, you will have control and be 1 step ahead

[Oldraver]

So she's been abusive to you in the past and instead of apologising for her behaviour she is being a twat again ?

I would send her the text upthread re ...due to the previous abusive nature of texts which you haven't apologised for all contact to be through a solicitor

[Madammim17]

stopfuckingshoutingatme That's good advice. I actually did something similar just before DS was born as I half expected them to swarm at that point, so me and my mum (she's quite a ruthless businesswoman so she's good at this sort of thing!) made sure we had proof of their actions and looked into rights etc, so might be worth doing again.

[mariefab]

Another vote for, 'Ignore unless/until you hear directly from Ex'.

For all you know she might just feel like playing Grandma for a while and he could have no idea that she's tried to contact you.

[Madammim17]

Oldraver Yup! Sounds lovely doesn't she As far as my understanding of it was, ex wouldn't discuss much with his family so they all resorted to blaming me because it was the easiest thing to do.

[KC225]

It is quite astounding given the time and how it ended that the mother would send a text stating her imaginary rights and accusing you of being a bad mother if you hesitate re contact. Any reasonable person would have acknowledged how communication broke down say something about regretting time past etc. Her rude and aggressive text does not bode well for the future.

I agree with above advice offered, ignore the text for the time being. As tempted as you may be to fire off an angry 'go to hell' text do not give them any ammunition should it get legal. Arm yourself with some legal advice. As previous stated your ex may not know his mother has contacted you

It sounds as if you have passed through a difficult period and have carved a happy and successful life for you and your son. Congratulations OP and good luck.
.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I would OP, be 1 step ahead baby, 1 step ahead

and it really will stop you feeling anxious too

how fucking dare she text you like that, why would you even engage with someone abusive like with regards to your precious child? she is clearly lacking in intelligence

good luck

PS my friend had this, and it went legal in the end X

[dataandspot]

Lotus bomb

Can I ask why you think going through a solicitor would have made a difference? It wouldn't have made him keep in contact?

[Madammim17]

mariefab You could be right. Though she already has grandchildren through his older sister and brother, though the contact without him knowing, as others have also suggested, isn't a crazy idea and could be possible.

[NotMyPenguin]

I would just ignore it, and wait for any more 'official' communication via the courts or a solicitor. It will be much better and less stressful for you (especially given how abusive their emails have been so far) if it is all done via official channels. Maybe supervised contact can be arranged.

If he isn't on the birth certificate, and you weren't married to your ex, he will have limited rights.

I would normally say something about how much children benefit from knowing both parents and both sides of their family, but in this case the contact has been so abusive to you, and inconsistent in terms of interest in your child, that I can't see that it's really in your child's best interest for you to work hard at creating a relationship with these people. I did really care about my DD being able to get to know her dad, and went out of my way to facilitate it. But then, he didn't send abusive messages and he kept in touch regularly and saw her consistently.

If they do go through the official channels to try to get contact, at least it shows good will and real effort on their part. If he isn't offering to pay child maintenance at that point, I'd suggest going through the CMS.

[Madammim17]

KC225 I know, it just shows the measure of her really. Thank you, and that's exactly why I'm so unhappy about this because I quite honestly feel like any of them being involved is just going to ruin that and make things hard.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Do you mind me asking how it worked out in the end?

[5moreminutes]

How weird and infantile is it that it's your ex's mother contacting you, not your ex himself!

I'd reply that if [name of ex] is belatedly to commit to a responsible, consistent fatherly relationship with his son for the rest of his life, you will be glad to facilitate that by forwarding all correspondence from him to your solicitor, so that a legally binding arrangement for maintenance payments and contact can be mutually agreed.

[Madammim17]

NotMyPenguin Exactly. I would have happily encouraged a relationship between them if, like in your case, my ex had still been keen to be involved but leaving me included walking away from the entire situation, so it's not like I'm preventing father of the year from being involved. In hindsight I knew he wasn't exactly gonna be a hands on dad and I don't believe he'd be one now either.

[5moreminutes]

is belatedly ready to commit, that should have been

[Aeroflotgirl]

As they have been abusive, I would tell them to go through official channels if they want contact, if they really do, they would.

[AuntMabel]

Ignore, block, get a new mobile number if you can. As it stands, they have no power over you or your DS.

Do you still live at the same address? That would be a concern.

[Madammim17]

5moreminutes I know, it's ridiculous. I don't know what she expected me to say when she's accusing me of keeping them all away when I've done no such thing, he chose to stay away, I didn't make him. It's only now that I feel like I'm being put in a position where I'd be keeping him away, which then makes me look like the asshole despite the fact that he's the one who's caused this.

[Madammim17]

AuntMabel No but I don't live far, and they all know where my family live. He moved away but his family are still in the nearby area though I've never encountered any of them, amazingly.