Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

I would be so so very angry, three bloody months! Usually older men that do this, rare for a mum to treat her children badly

I hear you, have been through similar. It's upsetting because your mum would have wanted you and your sister to have her half and regardless of the legality of the situation morally your dad should arrange for 50% of the value to go to you guys as this is what your mum would want. He can do what he wants with his half.xx

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and the upsetting situation with your Dad. You are right it is his life but its still upsetting for you and your sister.

If its any consolation we had total comedy with FIL (who has now passed away). MIL already died 20 years ago after FIL had already 'turned gay'. Fair enough. 10 years ago (or so) he entered a civil partnership with someone 6 years younger than his own son (only child). Fair enough. Then deleted son (DH) from his will and left everything to new civil partner (including £800k house in London and £500k house in France). Not a bean. Except will stipulated son should pay for the funeral!! ha ha ha!!

It can really eat you up but I told DH just forget it and move on. It's sad but what can you do??

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. My dm died nearly 2 years ago and I still miss her desperately and can imagine how raw your pain will still be.

Will it be possible for you and your sister to sit down with your df and tell him how you feel and the concerns you have? Their relationship is so new and her side of the family will only benefit from this arrangement whereas your side will lose half a house, he needs this explaining to him clearly.

My dm was making plans for her partner to move in and buy half her house. However she was planning on giving us his money straight away as well as writing wills following him moving in. This was to avoid any difficulty should anything happen to either of them, and to stop any fighting afterwards. Mum actually died in an accident before any of this happened and her partner behaved appallingly afterwards, although that's a whole other story.

My point really is that wills, property etc should all be discussed before they are needed so as to avoid the fighting when in the throes of grief.

OP I think I understand. It's not the inheritance, it's a rewriting of your life. My mum's best friend died about 5 years ago. He husband remarried a close friend within 6 months. It changed my entire opinion of him and their marriage. How could he have gone from crying talking at her funeral to remarried within 6 months? I know his wife wanted him to be happy but for us grieving her loss it was really hard to deal with. I still don't understand a woman who could move in to a house where a wife died less than 6 months prior.

Cherish your memories of your mum. And as pp have suggested, make sure you ask your dad for anything of sentimental value

She's quick off the mark with a recently widowed man!
I see a couple of glaring problems:

1. She pays 50% of current value, then he alone pays for all improvements for which she'll benefit. Surely if they're joint owners, they each should pay for the improvements. Obvs different if they'd been together years but that's not the case here.
2. If she were to get into debt, the house could be sold. She could also force a sale if she chose to in the future.

At the very least they need to draw up a deed of trust saying he can live there for life if he wishes to. I can't help feeling he's making a poor decision, for his own sake and ignoring any inheritance issues (though noteworthy that she's taken care of her children!)

I think it's very unreasonable of him to think that after 3 short months of losing his wife another woman should be buying into half of his home. It's too soon it doesn't make a lot of sense, does he have any financial problems your not aware of and need the cash. Is there another family member a cousin aunt uncle anyone who could approach him on your behalf to say he needs to slow down. Enjoy a new relationship if he wishes but to make a huge financial commitment after only 3 months is silly and he sounds like he is being taken for a fool. Will he really stop speaking to you if you voice your thoughts if your all truly that close. It may be hard but I think you should speak your mind whatever the consequences. It will eat you up if you don't

Even ignoring inheritance he is putting himself in a vulnerable position, after 3 months he will no longer own his own home. If the house was worth £200,000 and she gives him £100,000 for renovations if the house is then worth £300,000 he could lose £50,000 within a year. My widowed uncle met, married and found himself homeless within 18 months and it took another 2 years to sell the property and gain his equity back.

Well the problem is that there's nowt you can do so you have to accept it. It's upsetting and I don't understand it as I'd always prioritise my children over partners. But there you go, men are often easily led at this point in their lives it seems as this is a recurrent theme in thread

It's shocking how quickly men move on to their next partner, sometimes within weeks of their wives dying.
On the other hand a lot of women wait years before moving on. Some older women choose to remain single.

I think there is a certain type of woman, who on hearing a man is recently widowed and is a property owner, her eyes go kerCHING. They see them as easy pickings.

Some even circle like vultures whilst the wife is still alive, with offers of constanthelp getting their foot in the door
As soon as the wife dies, they zoom in and quickly take over.
This happened with an acquaintance of ours.

I feel sorry for you OP. Sadly there will be no getting through to your father. He sounds infatuated and no doubt flattered by the fact a younger woman is showing interest in him. He is not thinking with his head.

Thanks for all your posts, I can't think straight at the moment. I'll read every one though and speak to my sister about our next steps.

This is why my DH and I are setting up our wills to protect our children in the event that either of us dies and then remarries

That is such a good idea.

There is such a high incidence of men remarrying ( before the wife is even cold in her grave in some cases), that doing the above makes sense.

How awful for you - 3 months is a very short time. Did they know each other before? What a shock for you.

Such a pity your DM did not leave you and your DS her half with a lifetime interest for you father. I have done this for my DC as I have come across situations similar to yours many times before.

Would he take kindly to you explaining that it is all ab it of a shock and moving too quickly?

OP, it's probably little consolation but I do wonder if your father's behaviour is related to grief at the loss of your mum.

My DSF died last year and I noticed that my DM went through some very weird almost manic phases in which she was desperate to clean up the entire house, throw away possessions etc. I told her to just relax and sleep on it a bit but she just had to do it immediately... a few months later, she regrets it all and feels it was a stage of grief that she hadn't understood at the time.

Might be worth looking at some books on the psychology of bereavement.

If your mother only died in December, that's incredibly recent. You must be reeling from the loss, as well as from the emotional impact of your father's behaviour. I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

To my mind the big problem isn't the concept (he's likely to meet somebody and remarry in the end) but the timing. It seems crazy to enter into such permanent arrangements with somebody you've been in a relationship with for such a short time.

Maybe ask him what advice he would give you, his daughter, if you were talking about entering into this kind of arrangement with a man you'd only started dating a few months ago?

I wonder whether it might be worth while putting the financial aspect on a back burner for a bit and pushing for contact with your Dad and his new partner. Show him that you want to be there for him (and her...), invite them around, drop by for visits - make yourself a presence in his life so that he knows you're there for him and SHE knows you're there and looking out for him. Stuff her being possessive - if she's weird about you being around then it might give your Dad pause for thought. I totally understand how bloody horrible this is for you but if you still care for your Dad then it's worth giving him the benefit of the doubt at this stage. If they rebuff you then at least you know you've made the effort. So sorry - it must be horrible for you.

It happened to me ....step mother of 7 wks ended up with the lot

Nothing we could do , nothing we said made a difference to DF , he was marrying her anyway and we were told to butt out .

Everything my DM and DF worked for is now going to some niece of hers as she didn't (clearly) want any kids of her own.

There has been no contact since DF funeral 4 years ago

Left a poor taste in mine and my siblings mouths , sullied every memory of DF we have , how could he disregard us like that, like we didn't exist........ Because he was getting a shag every now and then ,that's how.

That's horrible.
I think a lot of people would be sympathetic to the OP's DF blowing the whole lot on himself, living life to the full.
It's the fact that there's a real possibility that any inheritance will go to another family, that is distasteful.

There I've said it ! , such a shame really ,

Op , sorry your going through this

I don't know why people can't talk to there parents . It may not be nice to talk about death & money but it's a lot easier to sort it out before they pass away than sorting out afterwards
I explained it pretty clearly to my parents that would they really really want there money to go to someone else kids
and there own daughters & grandkids get SFA should one of them die and the other one remarries
I explained it to them very clearly then got a solicitor to Email them to ensure them that I was correct and not being a money grabbing bitch
I also got them lots of stuff from Google to explain it to them so that they were assured I wasn't talking bullshit

They have had several illness in the last year which is why I brought it up with them as I know that my parents would expect me to sort everything out if one of them passed away .
I

From this talks I've just arranged with my parents approval obviously for them both split there Joint tenancy in half with a life Interest with 50 /50 mirror wills for inheritance to go to my sister & my son ( I don't want any as we are quite well off but for my sister & son it would be life changing ,money for both of them
Not only will this ensure that should my dad ( and it would def be my dad who would remarry and do something stupid ) my son & my sister would get my mums half of the house
Its also a way of possibly protecting the house from care home fees we were told by the soliciter should for example my mum pass away and my dad needs a care home they the LA could only get 50 percent of the house as the other 50 percent is not his and they often don't bother with pursuing it as 50 percent of a house is worth nothing and you can't sell 50 percent of a house . But at the very least at least 50 percent of the house is protected for our family regardless of what my dad might do should anything happen to my mum .
Now Maybe even talking to my parents about this makes me a disgusting money grabbing bitch but I don't care I would probably commit murder If I thought that half of my parents home was going to some total strangers family .

I'm so sorry for your situation, OP. How devastating to lose your mother and now feel as though you're losing your father as well.

I've heard that it's quite common for widowers to move on a lot more quickly than widows. And I have seen for myself how the children can be sidelined in effort to just move on to a happier place, away from the trauma of a spousal death.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to wish you well. xx

At the time, I did look into this phenomenon, and indeed it is a thing. Men, often whose marriages were happy ones, remarry or settle down with a new woman within weeks or months of their wife's death.

I've seen it too. Usually it's those men whose wives were almost like surrogate mothers - they dealt with the bulk of the washing, cleaning, cooking and shopping, organized his life, made him get out of the house and socialize - so when she's gone he flounders, and he needs to find a 'replacement' quickly to get back to the comfort of someone taking care of him and telling him what to do. And those men are vulnerable to women with £ signs in their eyes because all they can focus on is getting their immediate needs met and getting their lives back on track.

To be fair though I wouldn't care less if my parents left every penny to the dog home or some sort of charity

But the possibility of my dad remarrying and leaving my mothers half of her house to a second wife & ultimatly her family and nothing to my sister / & grandchildren especially as for several years I actually paid the mortgage when my dad was unable to to I would go 100 percent mental .and I don't care who I upset but I would def say something .

It's not about money, it's about someone else walking in and taking what your mum has worked hard for and its 1000 percent not what your mum or my mum would want
My mother would haunt my dad from the grave if she thought he would do something like this .

People saying I shouldn't sit back and let it happen, how can we stop it? It looks as though we are money grabbers if we kick up a fuss

You would not be a money grabber to advise him to protect himself. And he should do that. If you've always been close, just ask him to put your mind at rest and see a financial advisor to ensure that he is protected in the event of a split. (And a good financial advisor would also bring up the issue of inheritance.)

My mother also had mild dementia but she keeps saying that she she don't want the cow next door to get her hands on the house when she dies
Now it might be her being paranoid but maybe her neighbour who is a widow has her eyes on my dad who looks remarkably like her DH who passed away .maybe she senses something' not quite right . The neighbour was until recently often in my parents house .

My dad would be weak enough to fall for her charms. I've even said this to him in the past but both me my DH and my sister and the grandkids ensure that one of us visits everyday and keep our eye on both of my parents .
I even let slip to the neighbour that should my mum pass away my mums will leave her half to the grandkids /my sister so my dad would only half have a house 😄 and only the right to live in it not give the whole house to anyone' else
Funnily since I mentioned this the neighbour isn't in my parents as often as she was .

I would likewise be devastated in your position Solar.

I like to be informed, so I would probably get some legal advice on what might happen in X, Y or Z scenario. Just so that I would know.

I think I would then carefully craft a joint letter with my sibling, with every word checked for hidden meaning to the nth degree, and give it to him.

Telling him your story, essentially. Absolutely not a guilt trip - that wouldn't be the intent.

But you know that you're unable to say these things to him, so write to him.

You have as much right to make your feelings known about your childhood home and the loss of your DM, as his new girlfriend does about what she would like to do with your family house.

Will a letter make any difference? Will it change his mind? Probably not. But at least he will be going into his decision under no illusions as to your position. And he will be at leisure to ponder on it for many years to come.

My DF made a friend several years after DM died. His friend, M, never moved into his house, was thoughtful and considerate in all of her dealings with DB and I, and took a huge burden of care from us before he died. He of course, left our family house to us. She has her house, as she didn't give it up. That's how it should be, but we couldn't be more grateful to M for everything - all her dealings with our DF. She and I are still very close, and always will be.

Magpiemagpie
Does it never end? Can one not at least hope for a calm retirement and grace and peace in old age without having to worry about the cow next door who might steal one's life efforts from under one's feet?

disillusioned and in need of a new life philosophy if anyone has one handy

I think there are two issues. One is the speed with which your father has moved on and the absolute disregard he is showing to you and your sister who are both still grieving your mother. 4 months is nothing. Understandably his behaviour will make you question his love and loyalty for your mum and for yourselves. It must also be incredibly difficult to see someone else moving into your mother's home.

The other issue is money. And you are absolutely entitled to be bloody fuming about it! It's not a question of being grabby or materialistic. The fact is that your father AND your mother built up an estate over the course of their marriage. Let's say your father's estate is worth £400k. That means that £200k belonged to your mother. Except that your father's new girlfriend has seen him coming a mile off. So now, your mother's £200k will more than likely be left to her. And she in turn will more than likely leave it to her children.

Anybody who thinks that is morally acceptable can just get to fuck. Your mother's £200k should either be spent by your father (travelling the world, holidays, flash cars, whatever he wants) or it should be left to her children. For her money to be a left to some random people she never met is terrible and I'm astounded that any husband or father could allow it to happen. Just because something is legal doesn't make it morally or ethically OK.