Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

YANBU and I couldn't disagree more with posters saying you have no right to expect to inherit his house, it's no longer the family home etc etc. It IS still your family home, it's where you grew up, where your mother lived and I understand from your post it's not the house itself but what he intends to do with it and it goes against your mother's wishes.

My friends father done exactly the same. His wife died, he met another woman very quickly, she had only ever lived in a council house so didn't own a property, she had five daughters, he had two children by his wife. Fast forward just 12 months of dating and she'd moved in and persuaded him to alter his will so the house became hers if he died and she made no secret of her intention of if she outlived him, the house would be split between her five daughters, completely excluding his two children, because as far as she was concerned they were grown up and the house was hers.

I really feel for you, it ripped apart my friend, her sibling and their relationship with their father.

I can understand why the OP feels upset, on a number of fronts. But the truth is, it is his home to do with as he pleases. There is no law that says thou shalt inherit thy father's house.

There are, I think, some people who just. Find it too hard to be alone. My H's father lost his wife to cancer ( H was 19) and within a year he had remarried. Someone who knew him well told me he was just the kind of man who couldn't cope with being by himself. MY H hated this, hates her and it has poisoned his relationship with his dad, step mum and brother as a result.

Maybe your dad is like this? I understand it doesn't make it any easier ....

I'm horridied with the people telling the OP she's being grabby and entitled. I can only presume these posters have not lost their own mothers and seen their fathers move on in ridiculous haste.

4 months after losing your mum you are still poleaxed by grief. I was when my mum died. The OP is grieving for her mother and is watching her father cut her out of his life. It's just so bloody hurtful.

OP: my Dad did much the same after my mum died. He was with another woman in weeks. luckily he came to his senses after a year or so and ended the relationship. but I absolutely understand how you must be feeling. Please don;t listen to people telling you there's anything wrong with your attitude. You have every right to be devastated.

Having mulled over this as I cook, I can only assume she is super keen to buy half the house because it then becomes her house, and she will have rights over you, and be able to shut you out, in a way that would be harder if she was simply living there.

I disagree with other PPs about talking to your dad. He isn't going to listen, he's riding high on the rebound and no appeals for common sense or thinking are going to have any impact on him at all. If anything, it is just going to put more distance between you.
My first thought was that he must have known this lady longer than 3 months to be making such huge life changes. It must feel absolutely horrid to have all this going on so close to losing your mum but in an awful way, you've lost him now too to this woman. She has complete control of his actions, and I don't know how you can ever start to fight that. Just make sure you get any possessions of your mums before this woman does. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Can you take the line that you're concerned for the implications for him long term rather than your own inheritance?

Let's say he had to go into a home because he got an illness she couldn't cope with, he'd only have half a house rather than a whole one to sell to finance care.

I totally understand why you're so gutted but I think some men simply cannot cope with looking after themselves. My dad can't cook or work the washing machine, if anything happened to my mum he would be completely marooned. Your father may not be able to function without a housekeeper.

I think I would be sorely tempted to "leave my DH" for a while (wink wink) and move in with him as a short term measure. See if you can find out a bit more what is going on. Maybe suggest that you need a solicitors advice and maybe he could join you (and get some advice too) All very sneaky I know :-(

I'm horridied with the people telling the OP she's being grabby and entitled.

It's par for the course on here, some people are so envious at the mention of any kind of inheritance that they can't see straight. There are always accusations of greed and entitlement.

I would also consider you and your sister buying the house (or half the house off him if poss) x

I w9nt read the thread op as this upsets me but my parents did the same. My parents made wills where the survivor would inherit with the idea that this would be passed on to children upon the surviving partners death
But my dad as new gf and I doubt we csn enforce our mothers will in terms of dad eventually leaving our childhood home to us.
I wish parents who do this mirror will thing would be more honest with their children. It should have been foreseeable that if my dad inherited from her he may not pass that on to his children.

OP you have my sympathy, been there it feels like losing mum allover again so double the pain overlapping pain from firstly mum dying then second layer from another woman making decisions that push you out and the push made on your mum's memories. Don't cut ties with your dad it can ease though it's been over ten long painful years. I thought we would become closer we were close but the needs of the other woman over ride ours to stay close to our parents.

Seems unfair that he has to spend his half on doing the place up!!

Perhaps he is going to leave his half to you and your sisters?

Awful awful awful OP. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and now this

If it was me, I think I would play it totally de minimis - I'd ask him if I could take whichever items of sentimental value I felt particularly I'd like to have to remember my mother (liaise with your sister beforehand to draw up a list and compromise on any items that you might both want, so you can present a united front on that), ask him if he has sought legal advice, tell him I'm finding it very emotionally difficult to see someone new in your family home after such a short period of time, say you'll do everything you can to show support for the new relationship if that's what makes him happy, and then stand back a little and see how it goes.
If he is an emotionally intelligent man who cares about you and your sister, he is likely to twig sooner or later that you are finding it hard.
I think that couching it in terms of financial inheritance is the wrong way to go. This is about the emotional shock of seeing someone new in your mother's home so soon after losing her and while her things are still (presumably) in the house. I'd suggest you try and talk in those terms rather than in financial terms as your father has made clear that he doesn't see the financial position in the same way you do.

Your father can still leave his half of the house and whatever contents and other assets he wishes to you and your sister, but sadly at the end of the day it's his house do with what he chooses

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and for this very difficult situation.

On a practical note, and from bitter experience: you mention that you and your sister have rescued photographs etc. Where is your mum's jewellery? My mum lost many irreplaceable items belonging to her mother when her stepfather remarried. What stung the most was that the items weren't of great financial value and would have been sold for pennies or chucked away by someone to whom they meant nothing. Please ensure that you and your sister have retrieved these precious items because if your DF's new gf goes ahead with her plan I'm afraid you'll never see them again.

Sorry had to end quickly. It's very painful as i know mum would not want this situation and cannot understand how he allowed himself to be happy to treat his own this way. Lots of family aunts uncles etc have been hurt by him allowing this woman to dictate the future so quickly. Just when you think it can't be any worse than burying your beloved mum this happens.

Anyone who calls OP money grabbing has no idea what this is about no idea!

I feel for you OP, I really do. My DD tried to move the first woman in three weeks after DM died. I think we then had another 3/4 women in the next 18 months. There just seemed a need for DDad to fill a woman shaped whole in his life - none of them had an ounce of the charisma and personality of DM. It felt so disrespectful to DM and was unbelievably hurtful to DSis and me.

He destroyed the relationship between us as a family - he was so selfish and self absorbed and didn't give a shit about the rest of the people affected by DMs death. During that process the feelings that I had for him as one of the touchstones of my life just died. There was nothing I or DSis could do - what he wanted, he was going to get and that was the end of it.

He is remarried now which is fine but I don't love him anymore.

My DM inherited quite a lot of wealth and I feel strongly that this should stay with our side of the family, to help my children and the nieces and nephews. Fortunately DM articulated this regularly and loudly when alive 🙂. We have discussed that with him at length and he seems to be respecting that at the moment - there are some arrangements in place that would make it difficult for him to do anything else.

I can't believe that people posting think that they would be happy if their OH passed property that had been worked for to someone outside the family.

op I understand completely how you feel

I lost my dad when I was a teenager And my mum was still living in the home that i'd lived in all my life. Within months my mum had met somebody else, moved him in and removed all traces of the man I thought she had doted on. I was devastated and, like you, felt like I didn't know this person anymore. And from that point on my relationship with my mother became pretty crappy and has never recovered. I know exactly what you mean about still seeing your parents home as your 'safe place'. Although my dad had died, I still saw it very much as 'his' home. But if I tried to visit I would find her new bloke sitting in 'dads chair', or even worse sleeping in his bed. It's years ago now but the thought of it all still makes me feel pretty grim.

I have no advice for you I'm afraid, but I really feel for you and know that 100% it's not as simple as just thinking about money and inheritence.

Op, would you dad sell his share of the property to his new gf & put the share he inherited from your mum in trust for you & your sister? That way he gets the money for renovation, there can be protection against you & dsis selling the house or turfing him out & you 2 would have your mum's legacy.

Oh Solar, I have no answers but I just want to say I am so sorry this is happening.
Your grief over your mother will be so raw still, three months is no time at all, and this would totally make you question your father's feelings for you all at a time when you need him to be your dad. It's no consolation, but it does seem to be the way the way people, particularly men, roll after the loss of a loved wife or partner.

The succession of women following my mother's death also made me really sad. Also an eye opener on my dad as sleaze bag and poor judge of character. It's pretty awful. Then the money my dad inherited from my mother's family. Which will probably pass on to whoever he's shacked up with. Yes I feel bitter about it.

Yanbu. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mum only died a few months ago so he's vulnerable and perhaps not thinking rationally. He barely knows this woman so it's very soon to be moving her in and getting into this kind of situation with her and it must be hard for you to see it.

People keep saying about his half and her half, but it depends on how they own it on the deeds. Either tenants in common, or joint tenants. Can't remember which is which, but one is where they each own a %, the other, they each own the whole house.

My betting is that this woman will go for the one where she owns the whole house along with OP's father, so that when he dies, the house becomes solely hers.

Another thought; DF may not have applied for probate for your mum yet, but he may need to in order to change the title with the Land Registry. It may be worth seeing a solictor to talk about contesting probate. Did your mum leave a will?

If he needed work done he'd have
Likely taken out an equity release loan, the terms of which would have eaten up the capital in the property leaving you guys with nothing when he dies anyway.

She gives him half of the value of the property and her solicitor will probably insist on a transfer of equity to reflect this - rightly so.

They hold their shares as tenants in common. They both draft wills reflecting their wishes. It is probably the case that their wills will allow the other to remain in the property after the first death as a life tenant. Then when the second dies the remainder of the estate kicks into play - triggering his half to you two and her half to her kids.

If it isn't done correctly you will
Have a poss claim against his estate under some act, inheritance (provision for issue) act or something along this lines.

Private client isn't my area. Property is.

Ensure that your dad sees his own solicitor.

But this isn't as bad as you think it is. See my first point re lifetime
Mortgages!!