Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

OP
Your dads truly Pussy Whipped as my DH would say
The chances are pretty high that your relationship with him will never ever be the same again now .you have seen him for what he is a selfish man at the heart of it . Anyone who can do this is selfish .

He's replaced your mum with this woman in indecent haste as if your mother was nothing to be remembered by .
It's like everything you believed in is no longer real and your world has been tilted on its axis and nothing makes sense now
The father you thought you knew is gone Your old caring dad isn't the man you are seeing now .
Except that he was probably always pretty selfish but you just never saw it your dear mother kept him in place with regards to his selfishness by most likely her own unselfishness to others

Cloudgaga
I know my parents very well and while my mum is pretty unselfish and would do anything for anyone who asked
My father on the other hand is weak and absolutly needs someone around him although I love him dearly I could absolutly see him marrying the NDN within weeks of my mum passing away.
When my mum was in hospital for 9 weeks with cancer his main moan was that he didn't like being on his own ( I told him he could borrow one of my dogs if he was that lonely 😃 but he declined )

So I will keep an eye out out for the NDN because it's something I could see happening and while I would be happy for my dad to have a relationship with anyone even the NDN.
I wouldn't be happy with her and her kids ( who I went to school with and didnt like ) inheriting the best part of a million pounds just for marrying my father .

If my dad wanted to leave it charity or spend it on hookers and gambling and fast cars that's his choice to do that I would have no issue and probably the OP wouldn't either

but leaving everything to new wife's/ partners & family no I would not rest quietly
maybe I'm a money grabbing cunt but I would rather be thought of that than going through what the OP is right now

This is so awful for OP. Condolences on the loss of DM.
I have had bereavements in my life and at just a few months after a loss I would not be considering any changes knowing that my thoughts would not be at their best for quite a while.
In the most supportive families I would agree that parents money should be passed down to children repetitively. However sometimes our family members are not as we would desire. Would the OP and the sibling be prepared to spend years caring for DF or would they leave this to the GF. Family inheritance is a very emotional subject and causes a lot of distress. I do think that there is an element of having to merit the gift of inheritance.
I do hope that OP can talk things over calmly with DF. Failing that a chat with GF to the effect that the mortgage on the house is in negative equity, home improvement loans, car loan and there are credit cards outstanding. PP did similar and it worked.

If the relationship doesn't work out, one or both of them could end up homeless. I would definitely enquire as to what the plans are if this should happen (and that statistically it's quite a likely eventuality). It would be a safer option for them each to retain a whole property while they explore the viability of the relationship. Why doesn't he move into one of her houses instead?

OP, I am so very sorry and my heart truly breaks a little at hearing your story. It is so sad to have lost your mum so recently, and now, in effect, it's like losing your dad and the home you all once shared too. I am glad you have your sister. I also detect your fear that you could lose your dad (at least emotionally) also should you dare to speak up.

Some posters have been very unkind when talking about an inheritance. I have to say you come across as the least grabby or entitled person on this thread. I know it is about far more than money, far more than possessions. I understand.

I wondered if there was anyone else other than your sister or yourself who could talk to your dad. Someone who could not be accussed of money grabbing (like this new woman could potentially say about you and your DHs). Has your dad a brother or a sister, or a close friend, whose opinion he respects? If so maybe then your dad could be persuaded by them to protect his own interests by seeing an independant solicitor? Does he get on well with any of your mum's relatives who perhaps could gently remind him what your mum would have wished? In a way it seems not just your own futures that are so different to what your mum would have wanted, but your dads also. I mean where would HE stand financially if the relationship broke down? What would be his legal position should this woman die first but leave her interest in the house to her family? I'm afraid I have no clue legally, but wondering if he could find himself in a very vulnerable position.

I wish you the strength to get through this time. Cling to your sister and other love ones and...well I want to say hope your dad sees sense because this woman seems very exploitative even at this early stage. Good luck.

It's not your home, it's your father's. I will never understand the mentality so common on MN that inheritance is an entitlement, especially when people are "devastated" about it before the person in question has even died. Just horrible

I am a horrible person.

I am not sure if we are of different generations, but as an only child I was raised to believe I would one day inheritate my parent's home. It wasn't a big issue, not about greed or power, was just a fact. There were no care home fees then, when after my father died my mother began a new relationship (for which I was delighted about) my interests were protected. Long after this relationship ended, my mother as she aged was quite passionate about leaving me her property and she talked of it more. She saw me struggle with three children with special needs, who will need my care for the rest of their lives, and that how later fostering other children became a huge struggle financially, but something I passionately wanted to do. Meaning I could never afford the luxuries of life - but she often told me "one day you will."

As it turned out my mother has recently needed to go into a care home. Its lovely, but it's expensive. I have had to use her savings, and then my savings to pay the care home fees. Now I have to sell the home to continue to pay them. I am grateful that her dementia now means that she cannot understand the selling of the property, because she would be heartbroken.

If I am honest I resent it too, because her needs are purely medical and in another time would not have cost so much/anything. But I am not upset for my own greed, I am upset that my parent's wishes cannot be carried out. As I say they would be heartbroken and I am devestated that I cannot legally carry out their wishes.

I am a horrible person.

I would feel pretty heartbroken too, it's not just a house, it's your family home. I'm guessing the way it is was a joint thing between your mother and father, now new woman wants to put her mark on the place.

If you step out and say anything, she'll have you and your sister down about being all about the money.

But in another sense, her DC are being set up with homes for life. So how is that fair on either of you.

Plus the way it is you stand to lose something you treasure.

If you say anything you stand to irritate your Dad so it's lose/lose.

I'm sorry I can't help.

Have you thought of highlighting that her kids stand to profit from all the sacrifices your mother and he made?

Dear OP, Having lost my own mother fairly recently, suddenly, and having the most awful time with it, my heart bleeds for you. It's not even four months for you. Do you think you could ask your dad and sister to go to a grief specialist with you (to help you as a family come to terms with the suddenness of what happened) and raise what he's doing now in that context? So you are explaining your feelings, not in terms of money, but in terms of honouring what you know (and he must know) would be your mum's wishes. If you can't, maybe try and think like this. The last thing your mum would want would be for you and your sister to be unhappy. She'd want you to be happy more than anything, and so if you could "let the remarriage, the house, the inheritance" go, in order to keep your own peace of mind and your relationship with your dad, maybe you could think of it as what your mum would have wanted? (I am so cross with this other woman for you, she is a real cow to do things like this).

It's not your home, it's your father's. I will never understand the mentality so common on MN that inheritance is an entitlement, especially when people are "devastated" about it before the person in question has even died. Just horrible

My DB and I have inherited our family home. We will never sell it, nor will we rent it out so in fact it costs us thousands of dollars a year to maintain.

It isn't about the money for many people. Family homes, especially ones that have been lived in since childhood and/or have been in families for generations (in our case) hold a great deal of value that is not in the least monetary.

And a parent effectively opting to hand over that home to another family, makes it even harder to take.

You won't understand that if you don't have a long-standing connection with a family home.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dad also started anew relationship within months. Fortunately she is a lovely lady. But he has also done/said some other things which make me feel like I didn't know him at all, and almost like what I thought I had throughout my life was not real. I'm sure some of it is the grief he is experiencing but it is really hard to cope with, on top of losing dm.
I think we just have to somehow come to terms with the new reality and make peace with it. But it is so early for you.

Fwiw I would be fuming if I thought after I died the house that I'd worked for (alongside dh) would go to someone else's children and not mine. But again, you might just have to accept it.
I can't talk/give advice to my dad at all at the mo. He won't listen. It's like he can only cope with things by being single minded and not thinking of others. Our vicar said this can be a coping mechanism.
Good luck and so sorry this is happening. Good you have your sis. Is there anyone else? I've found talking to vicar really helpful because he is a bit removed from the situation.

Thanks all, what an awful nights sleep. Chatham, funny you should say he's single minded, that's what my father is like too. He's been like it from days after my mothers death. He's ben determinedly clearing the house, out socialising, shopping etc. we've told him to slow down a bit but it's like he's a man on a mission and where the GF is concerned it's like she consumes his every waking thought.
The past month or so she's been at his house every time we've called by, she's all he talks about etc. The pieces are slotting into place for me now, I don't know how we didn't see this coming.
There'll be no way we'll be able to get him to listen over this, he's infatuated, it's now plain to see. It sounds ridiculous but I don't want my children thinking this is what adults do. They've lost their Granny, and suddenly there's another woman in her place. My 8yr old DD is quite confused about it all. Bloody hell, why does he have to be so selfish.

Wow this thread is really surprising. I really didn't know that this type of thing was so common, I'd say it makes me feel reassured that myself and OP aren't alone but it really doesn't.

A pp said about not knowing why people don't talk to their parents, the thing is, at least in my situation, when my dm died I was quite young (an adult, but not in the place where I knew or understood these things) so it's not a conversation I could have had prior to that.

My dad used to be very generous with money and very open, big birthday presents and Christmases. He'd treat his grandkids, take them out etc. Since his new partner though he he become very cloak and dagger, I get £10 in a card, a week after my birthday, in a card that has an incorrect age on. My brother hasn't had a card in three years. He hasn't spent Christmas with us in 7 years but they have a huge family and friends party on Christmas Eve, we're not invited. Her daughters spend every Christmas Day with them after the agreement was made they'd not spend it with either for "fairness".

My mum did a lot of this Christmas and birthday stuff, but even his relationship with money in general has become strange. His partner sold her house, has a second property, savings, sale of her mum's house, pensions from her first husband but claims poverty to him. He gives her £2k a month for "groceries" and he pays all their bills (information my dsis has managed to get to the detriment of their relationship) and for some reason her unemployed daughter has a very nice flat, an Instagram full of fancy dinners and nights out and her other struggling daughter has had three foreign holidays, a brand new German car and a £2k watch.

We would never tell him how to spend his money, and I'd much rather he was off gallivanting and seeing lots of women, but the relationship dynamic has changed so drastically that conversations that could have once easily been had are now impossible and lead to df having a strop for weeks afterwards.

I'd hate for our last conversation (as both of their health is deteriorating) to be one of anger and I end up holding my tongue in order to keep the peace and hold some sort of, at least vague, relationship with my dad.

This weekend I've just discovered that when he got rid of his storage unit (with all the furniture and effects of my parents life together), it seems tucked at the back (after a huge argument with him about allowing us access to pick out not only sentimental stuff but our own stuff!) was all the photo albums and framed photos.

I only have three photos of my mum now.

Also other posters saying about speaking to df, you just try and get them on their own. It's impossible. They end up connected at the hip. I've not managed to get my dad on his own in 5 years. Even when I've made elaborate plans to do so, he cancels at the last minute or brings her along anyway. You don't feel like you can speak freely in front of the partner either.

solar a good strong for you.

"They've lost their Granny, and suddenly there's another woman in her place. My 8yr old DD is quite confused about it all. Bloody hell, why does he have to be so selfish."

i so get this and would be concerned and hurt about it. as i said you need to be smart if possible and try and establish a trusting dialogue with your dad easing him into it so he doesn't break all ties or shuts you out completely.

glitter that's a very tough situation. So sorry.

It is a very short amount of time - and I am sorry for the loss of your much loved mum op.

I'd be worried about the fact that should this new relationship not work out - your dad could be at risk of losing his home altogether.

Really can't understand father essentially disinheriting his children for someone he knows 3 months. As parent i m really happy to know my ds will inherit my house free of mortgage, legal issues etc. Surely as a parent that's what u do?

And yes, there's something unpleasant about the speed of his new relationship too.... Again I'd be unimpressed with the lack of concern about the feelings of his children and GC. Sometimes think on mumsnet there's an attitude that once ur DC are adults they r essentially same status as friends.

And I'm not saying he shouldn't have relationship, just wondering why it had to involve taking down ur mothers photos, moving her in, disinheriting his family etc.

I understand absolutely OP. That's all I can add.

If I were to die today I would want to know that my DC would one day receive everything I've worked for.

If DH were to die today I know he'd feel the same.

I can't understand how any parent, whatever their DC's age, would wish it otherwise.

And I would be very sceptical of moving in with any man who merrily gave away his children's inheritance within three months of his wife's death.

Luckily one thing my dad did was put half the house in our names, (trust) which would have protected us had mum re-married. (She didn't, she just wanted to live alone, her way, which I understand.).

Mum also cleared the house as if she was delighted he'd gone. Chucked everything, redecorated... I understand and she had a right to do it but it hurts.

Sorry I absolutely do not get what you are devastated about. What is he doing to you and your sister? It's his house. You should neither of you be banking on inheritance - for one thing it's an ugly thing to do; for another, if your dad doesn't die early or suddenly (presumably not what you would want) then the value of his property could just as easily get eaten up by care costs as he gets older and needs more help. At least now he has a wealthy and younger partner, you and DS will not have to bear so much of the burden of his care and its cost. Swings and roundabouts.

I really wish people wouldn't get so hung up on inheritance. It destroys families.

bigmac4me - how terrible for you.

I understand - we are on the way there ourselves. Home care fees currently £2500 a month.

I think this is sadly fairly common when men survive their spouses. Kids get ditched for new relationships. I don't think women do this as much. I wish women would make better wills that secured inheritance finally going to children if that's what they intend.
It's awful tk spend your whole life being told that your patents intention is for you to get the house - if there's anything left after care costs. Only to see it go to dad's gf and her children.
Having said that I also think there needs to be some provision for new partners. I think my parents will was totally stupid. If it was enforced the way my deceased mum wanted then it's not right my dad's gf doesn't get anything. However if my dad now updates it then my siblings and I will probably get nothing. Worst thing is my mums jewellery and personal effects and photos.
Sorry op you aren't being grabby. It's a horrible thing to go through. My advice is to arrange with your sister to go round and ask your dad for some personal things of your mother's.

As to the speed of the new relationship... He is 70. Time is getting on. Presumably he was with the OP's mother for more than half his life - he isn't used to being alone, and I daresay is scared of the thought of growing old and infirm that way. If he and this woman enrich each others lives, why waste time fannying about like teenagers?

My Dad interred DMs ashes in the garden outside the kitchen window so that DSis and I can't visit our mother without being watched over by Dad and new wife. They don't encourage it because they'd both rather forget that she was there so we have to sneak in while they're on holiday.

I have, to my shame, resorted to "borrowing" DM's family items for school projects, history projects and special and not returning them, so has DSis, so at least we have something to keep the family history alive. He chucked out a load of stuff before we could get to it, including Victorian Christmas decorations, not even offering it to us first. These weren't "his" by any stretch of the imagination.