Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

Have you spoken to a solicitor to check that he's not being taken advantage of financially by this woman. Your father seems to be controlled by this woman and is doing everything to keep her happy. Unfortunately, her children will inherit your family home once she dies and that's not fair. I'd get legal advice if I were you.

Some really good ideas for what to say from hmmmokay.
I imagine it will be difficult to say, but it's important. If you start by saying 'I'm saying this because I love you and want you to be happy.' If he refuses to listen maybe say 'ok, but these are important points for your security and happiness. So I'm going to write them down and I hope you have a look and a think'

OP maybe it's the GC you need to speak to your DF about. Make him understand how upsetting and confusing this is for them, remind him he perhaps should be a little more sensitive. In regards to the house, I don't know what you can do, it's his to do what he wants with. Perhaps there needs to be a frank discussion about his thinking behind it and the effect it has in you and your family. Try keep it to facts, the less emotion the better, although I know how hard that would be

Is there any way you can find out the background of this fast moving lady? Did they meet through friends or mutual interests? I may be overreacting but it almost sounds as if your DF has been targeted at a time of vulnerability.

Sorry for your loss. I would ask your dad what he wants to happen to the house after he dies. Is he expecting it to pass to this new woman or does he want it to pass to you and your sister? What would your mum have wanted? He needs to make it clear in a new will what is going to happen to the house! This woman has set it up that her children are secure but what about the pair of you?

Hang on, she buys half the house, then HE pays for the upgrade? My dad is doing a similar thing and I'm so angry about it. It was my mum who originally got the mortgage, and her death that paid it off, so why if she getting the house if anything happens to my dad? He says "she knows what not to touch" but what a pile of BS that is. Tricky situation, but not sure of the way forward. Her kids each get a house but you get nothing? Whole situation is a farce. Does he have a best friend you could speak to, to try and get him to talk your dad around?

That sounds like a ridiculous deal?! So she buys half the house and then out of the money he pays to have it done up..thus making her a better return in the future? The only person who benefits is her and her kids.
After 3 months she sounds like a career gold digger..sorry op 😔
You need to talk him round, an intervention couldn't come sooner!. Hope all works out! So sorry for your loss

glitterglitters and others going through this- so sad for all of you. . Twelve months since losing my mother, I have bits and pieces of hers around the place, I have some furniture from the house I grew up in, and in the bank I have some of the money that she and my Dad worked hard for. My Mum was a victim of con-merchants who prey on the elderly, she had the beginnings of dementia and was easy prey, so they got well in excess of sixty thousand pounds of her money. I am still so angry about this. Not because I would be thirty thousand pounds richer, obviously that would be nice, but it isn't the thing that makes me furious. It is the fact that she worked hard and wanted db and I, and her Grandchildren, to benefit from that. The scammers took that money, the money that she had saved, that she could have spent on lovely clothes or nice holidays but saved instead. Almost all of us have mothers who want this for us. And as a pp mentioned, inheritance is the least of it, it is the "Victorian Christmas decorations" that the pp lost ( [flowers} ) All the family photographs thrown away, the little things that Mothers have around that make a family home familiar and loved. My Mum had kept my baby toys, and db's action man, and all sorts of funny little things that make me cry to look at, but which I am really glad to have. Cardigans that she had knitted, her love letters from my Dad when they were courting, her telegrams of congratulations and concern when I was born 7 weeks early. All the mapping out of her married life and mine.
I have seen in a family relationship, what new partners can do on a death, the clearing out, and the edging out of children. It really is horrible. Why are men so sappy that they allow this to happen? It really makes me feel that children are more their mother's than their father's. That for all the great fathers out there, women are often just more invested in ,and more connected to , their children. It seems far, far more common for men to do this. We know someone who brought his new girlfriend to his wife's funeral, in front of his sons. Can anyone imagine any woman doing this ever?

Did you know the theft was going on SirVix? People like that deserve to be hung. My granny had 2x £4500 cheques taken out of her account. They were clearly written by different people, but when I took her to the bank they weren't interested, as she had signed them. I called the police and again they weren't interested. I eventually got the cheques back, and when I told the police my granny had no idea who the person was, they eventually investigated. To the inspectors credit, he charged the individual and the person who conned my granny into signing blank cheques (apparently the bank don't raise questions if it's below £5000). But the prosecution said because of my granny's memory (she had no idea what was going on), they wouldn't prosecute. That's a drop in the ocean to what your mother saved for you. If there's any blessing, it's that she wouldn't have been aware of it. My granny was totally oblivious to it.

We didn't know initially, and even when it was obvious (she had a pile of post, all scam stuff, over two feet high in one week) we didn't realise how much money was involved. She would get letters telling her that she'd won a large sum and needed to pay to release it, she was sent all kinds of things, beauty products, all sorts of stuff (lots of jewellery) and then charged insane amounts. She was getting 'phone calls from China, all sorts of things. It was really shocking when we realised the extent of what was going on. Sadly it isn't unusual.

My widowed DM died suddenly last year, and her lovely partner of ten years was given 18 months grace in her house they shared (in the will) before it was to be sold with the proceeds for me and my brother. I would be upset in your shoes. I would expect your DF at this very very early stage to still be prioritising his DC over his new girlfriend, as in who matters most in his life. And actual money aside, his actions which demonstrate answer this, would be very hurtful.

Has he lost his fucking mind? He's only known her a few weeks! I'd be concerned that over time, she will convince him to leave his half of the house to her, in his will. Could she be a con artist? Sounds very fishy to me.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss and what you and your sister are going through.
Three months is a very short amount of time for all this to be happening and if this other woman had any morals, she would be understanding of what you are going through, which she doesn't seem to be & therefore you would have to question her intentions.
Apologies for not RTFT and if anyone has suggested this before, but is it worth hiring a private detective to check her out? Could save you all a lot of future heartache.
Definitely agree with others that your DF needs to get independent legal advice.
Good luck.

The DF isn't interested in getting legal advice. If he's not interested in his own DCs's views on the situation, he's not interested in going to the trouble and expense of legal advice. He's doing what the new girlfriend tells him, simple as that.

The OP should get legal advice without question, even though she may not be able to do anything with it.

The leaving the house is one issue maybe decades away, my immediate concern would be if in a few months she breaks up with him she gains 50% of the house, he has to sell it and he loses his home and half his assets. She's boxing very clever here and all the advantages are on her side, while she's making him very vulnerable. Surely if she's a nice person she herself would see that and want to protect his position? Hint hint DF?

My MILs father (DHs grandad ) did the same as your DF, OP.
It broke her heart, not because of the money but because she knew how upset her DM would have been. Not because of the new GF, but because of the lack of care (emotionally and 're inheritance) that was shown to her DCs IYSWIM.

For this reason, and despite having a great marriage, she has put her half of the house in a trust for DH and his DB.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think she's probably a very skilled scammer!

Big alarm bells are ringing for me!

I'd check into her background as much as possible, and that she really has children, and whose names her current houses are in and whether she has previous form for making a relationship with such a newly bereaved and vulnerable man.

She'll be marrying him very soon, then the 'son' will move in and bully your dad out of the house, or she'll just kick him out of the house..

Can you not at least slow him down in terms of selling her part of the house? Could you and your sister raise enough money to pay for the updating that needs doing? Then she could just live there without having any any ownership, and it would protect your father's financial position more?

If's almost unbelievable that he is rushing into this so quickly- it's got to end badly!

Most people don't choose life interest trust wills as they cost slightly more. Baffles me when you think of the value of a half share of a house.

Please someone explain why it is assumed she will inherit his half if the dad dies first ?

Here is our story.
Mum and dad were married for almost 50 years.
Mum died suddenly 7 years ago age early 70s.

Dad was bereft.

He remarried within the year. My 2 siblings and I were devastated and felt our childhood had been trashed. Everyone who had known mum and dad was shocked and either tight lipped or snarky with disapproval.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON at that time warned us that she might be a predatory gold digger.

She seemed nice.

She wasn't nice - turned out she was FUCKING AWESOME .

She was 15 years younger than dad. His health deteriorated quickly. She loved the very bones of him. She looked after him with such love and care .

Dad would have had to move in with me had she not been around.

He was bedbound for the last 9 months.

She did all his personal care after bowel cancer destroyed all bowel and bladder function.

My dad died this morning.

Please don't rush to conclusions about this woman.

Our Dad's wife turned out to be the best thing that could possibly have happened to him.

Im sorry for your loss op.
People are being very harsh and judgemental about the new gf and her motives.
I say good luck to your Dad and i hope his new relationship brings them both lots of love and happiness in his twilight after the loss of your mother.
Posters are referring to you as if your sister and you are young children and he's leaving you in the lurch. Your adults with your own life and homes I presume. Im sorry but i think your being a bit childish and all the talk about how to keep your inheritance is actually pretty distasteful. The house and money is his to do with however he pleases. At 70 he probably doesn't believe he has too much time left and the loss of your Mum has shown him life is too short. Grab happiness when it comes by with both hands. After the initial shock subsides please try and see it from his perspective.

I think another good suggestion is saying Dad, say God forbid one of us or our partners died, then we did the same, finding new love and companionship, blending the family with step siblings and a step parent so quickly. What would you say to us / our partners? How would you look upon it? Knowing that a home that was forged together was now in the hands of a new partner. Not because of money, but security first and foremost.

My first thought is what does your mums will state? Is there anything about you and your sister inheriting fro her in the future at all that could mean he can't sign half his house over to another family!

I think there used to be a convention that you waited a year before remarrying. Although i think such fixed 'rules' don't fully recognise the complexities of life, it did have some value in that people who have recently been bereaved do sometimes make decisions that they later regret (hence the 'don't move house for two years' advice you sometimes hear).

In this case I think there is an obvious risk to both parties in the proposed arrangement - if living together doesn't work out one of them may force a sale of the house and the other loses his or her home involuntarily. I would suggest that your df consults a solicitor to see what his or her advice is. But people often dismiss those types of concern, saying 'that won't happen'. And then there is really nothing you can do - and in fact arguing against something often makes people more determined to go through with it. Sympathies op.

The more I read mn the more I am attracted to the 'life interest to dh, then to the dc on dh's death' will idea. I think people generally don't do it (if they're aware of the possibility) because it all sounds very complicated - terms like 'life interest', 'trust' etc.

Also how does it work inheritance tax wise - i have a feeling it's free of iht on first spouse's death because bequests to the dh/dw are tax free, but then presumably iht is payable by dc on second spouse's death. So the position is no different from the position if it's left outright to dh/dw. But is that affected by the new additional inheritance tax allowance for private residences? Not expecting any mner to answer - it's complicated!

Sorry op I have sidetracked, many sympathies for you.