Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

People are being very harsh and judgemental about the new gf and her motives

No, they're questioning the financial security of someone four months post massive bereavement, who is about to get into a situation where they could be massively financially vulnerable. Their new partner has all the advantages of the situation and has clearly taking care of their own financial stability. That raises some questions.

There's a difference between being harsh/judgy and having rational, sensible questions about what could turn out to be lovely/happy/sunshine and butterflies future but could, if things went wrong, turn out to be a fucking nightmare.

Thanks all, had time to catch my breath and speak to DF. Sister came along too to present an united front. GF was there as he was insistent that if we had anything to say then she should hear it too 😏
Anyway, we expressed our concern that it was a bit quick, that he should protect himself in case things go wrong etc. We did not mention inheritance etc, simply that we were looking out for him.
She sat there like a bull dog chewing a wasp and stated that she took the relationship seriously and was looking long term, that in order to feel secure she wanted the arrangement (half the house). He said that they were very happy and he has thought it all through and he feels positive there won't be any problems, they both felt like they had been together years.
Nothing we said really mattered, they were adults and knew what they were doing.
Sister and I left soon after, what else could we say. All I hope is it does work out as there's no space for him to move in with me or my sister!

At least you can say you've tried now and made your position clear. I'm so sorry that you're both having to deal with the concern and uncertainty of the situation.

All you can do is make yourself available to your df and be "the better party". Give them no reason to question you or your motives. If there is anybody that your dad trusts (a friend, other family member) maybe fill them in and get them to orchestrate your df "telling them" and express similar concerns for your dad's security.

Xxxx

Thank you Glitters, so sorry you have also found yourself in this situation, I can't believe how much it's upset me. We have talked to him, have tried but he's adamant that he's doing the right thing. For his sake I hope he is.

I get it.

How many of us would want our husbands to move on so quickly, to give up half of our children's inheritance before the first anniversary?

Thanks@Solarpinlight the one thing that this thread has done has reassured me that we've not been precious and dh and I have had long frank discussion about wills.

Hopefully our kids won't ever have to go through this xxx

Sadly he is a grown up and can make his own decisions. My dad did something very similar so I do feel your pain. When he died, the girlfriend got everything that was still left. My sister and I were more disappointed that he didn't think of his grandchildren at all when he made his will. It's horrible.

In order to feel secure she wanted half the house? I'll bet she did. My mum's partner lived with her for ten years in her house and got on just fine, he demanded nothing. When she died unexpectedly it came to me and my brother. I feel so sorry for you having just lost your DM too. At least you have the support of your sister. Treasure that. Good luck.

You've done all you can. Really hope it works out. Now try to stop worrying about that and take a bit of time for you, and honouring your mum in your own way.
I can't believe how many people have been through something similar and I really hope she is good for him, as someone above described in their own case. It's sort of good to know df is not the only one who got reattached super quick!

How grim for you. She really does sound horrible. Who on earth insists on being in on a talk between a father and his children? After just weeks with a newly bereaved man? I think your df is grieving and not thinking straight. I feel so sad for you and your sister OP. I know how much I am still processing over my mother's death, 12 months in. This is such a selfish and hurtful way for him to behave.

117 if you are married the iht treatment of life interest trust wills is the same as for a simple will leaving an absolute interest i.e. You get your spousal exemption etc. If you are not married less attractive as life interest means first to dies share taxed again on second death.

OK, I'd go for one last try. Write to him. Ask him why, as she has 2 houses already, can't she move him in with her? How would he think her children would feel if they were in your position, still coming to terms with one parents' death when the other parent moves someone else in and says she's giving them half of what was their family home? Or can't she rent one of her houses out, then she wouldhave somewhere to go if things don't work out, rather tha giving one each to her children.

I'm wondering if you'd find a way of talking to him without her? And if he insists she's there you can say no offence but I don't know you, my mum has only just passed away and I'm not comfortable discussing anything with you - but in a nicer way?

LunchArmstrong I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 6 years ago. My thoughts are with you at this difficult (& numb?) time.

X

How are they working out the value of the house for her to purchase her half? Is your Dad getting some proper valuations? I'd be worried she might pay less than 50% of its true value to start with.

Thanks Kerala. I suppose what the life interest trust means is that the surviving spouse can never make a lifetime gift of that share of the house away to the dc (because he doesn't own it!) so more iht may be payable in the end (more than if the surviving spouse made a lifetime transfer of the proceeds of sale to dc after first spouse's death). Complicated..

Op many sympathies for you. It must be very hard. On the house front, presumably it is no longer mortgaged, so there's no restriction on your df selling half of it?

My sympathy to you on losing your beloved Mum.
Do you know who your dad's solicitor is? Can you speak with him/ her.
What about his close friends ? Could you talk with them?
Could you afford a private detective to check this new gf out? I'll probably be flamed for suggesting this.
But the whole situation sounds a bit 'off'.

What type of person moves at thar speed with a man who has just been widowed? Op I think you and your sister have behaved with such dignity. I'm so sorry. Your father and his girlfriend are being callous.

I don't understand at all why she needs half his house "to feel secure". When she has two houses already, and she has been dating him for such a short time- even if she was keen to move in, simply living with him and seeing how that works, while keeping her own house , would seem far more normal. I can think of only one reason why she wants half his housr, having two houses of her own, and that is to have more say in what happens with the house, who spends time there, and what happens to it if he dies.

If she is paying for half the house then she hasn't got much to gain by divorce. She just gets her money back. And the court wont kick him out and let her stay so he wont necessarily loose everything.

She gets to wipe his arse when he gets dementia etc. And her being there protects against care home fee's

Its shit O agree but trouble is so many men feel that once their children are older they have discharged their parental duty and their life is now their own. Also out of site out of mind springs to mind.

I am sure as things progress and the infatuation wears off he will think straighter. You never know she might be decent and a solicitor might make him see sense regarding protecting himself.

And to be fair your own view might be clouded by your own grief.

@wherearemymarbles the money would be used for works that would drastically increase the value of the house. Though I think the consensus is that we're the op's df die the new woman could get his share or if new woman went first her df could potentially be shafted out of the house by her children etc.

She owns two houses of her own, so why does she need his to feel secure?

OP I think I would tell your father that on top of losing your mother, you are now losing your family home. I would tell him how you feel.

Having thought it through, I think I might have a conversation with my own DF. It hasn't exactly gone down in the same way and certainly not the same speed, but basically we have ended up in the same place. We (the children) are distressed because we have lost the centre place of our family, where we used to all get together.

Did you get the chance to ask why she wasnt funding half of the renovation costs?

Glitters, increae in value may not be that drastic. Also there is no proof yet the op's father will go down the route of mirror wills.
If he does then yes, step mothers have a habit of being cunts to step children and this one is unlikey to be any different. (Its always the same, stupid men and greedy women)

i am not saying its not a horrible position because it is. But she must be thinking long term as its not a quick get rich scam. Hell he might live another 30 years. !!