Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take the money? <CSA trigger>

123 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:58

As a child I suffered CSA at the hands of one of my foster parents. I reported, he denied it all and as a result he wasn't charged with anything. Whereas me the "troublemaker" was removed and placed in to a children's home.

The money part. As a child he would pay me (I didn't have any choice but paying made him feel better and made me feel like a prostitute at age ten ). When I left and told the police about the stash of money under my bed, he explained it away by saying I had stolen it.

That was 30 years ago and I haven't seen him since. However, I have just found out that he has recently died, and has left me some blood money in his will. I don't want it. DP thinks I'm mad not to accept it, and tbh I don't even know if I can refuse, but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of receiving money from him.

AIBU to tell the solicitor thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:59

Oh, and in case it isn't obvious from my user name, I've name changed Smile

OP posts:
Scrabblingforsanity · 22/04/2017 23:00

Take the money, donate it to a child abuse charity in his name?

Sorry you are having this come back up again :(

QueenArseClangers · 22/04/2017 23:01

How about donating it to a charity that helps survivors of CSA? Or getting it and burning it on a big fuck off fire.
Much love to you, you're such a brave person Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2017 23:02

I'm so sorry for what you went through. He was a monster and you were horribly let down by the people who were meant to believe and help you.

It's completely your decision. It's for you and only you to take, no one else.

Could you think about doing something positive with it like donate it to a charity that helps children and know it'll help protect others from what you went through?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2017 23:03

Sorry, what they said but quicker!

AyeAmarok · 22/04/2017 23:05

Yes take it, and either donate it to a charity or do you maybe have DC? If so, you could keep it for them?

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:06

I'm so sorry Flowers

He's dead, its money that can help others in the same situation as you. It can help.

I wouldn't blame you for knocking it back though at all. You could tell them to donate it to a charity of their choice.

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 23:06

I was thinking of donating it, but DP is dead against giving it away - and I can see his point, we aren't exactly rolling in money at the moment.

It's not a huge life changing amount, but it is a significant amount. I think I feel that even by accepting it to donate, it's like being paid by him all over again.

I do like the idea of setting fire to it though DP would also combust

OP posts:
TheLuminaries · 22/04/2017 23:08

I am so sorry OP for what you went through. I would take the money and then take my time deciding what to do. Don't feel rushed or under pressure. The evil fucker is dead, whatever you decide, nothing changes that, so take your own sweet time now.

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 23:09

Aye there's no way I could give it to DC, it's tainted money and I don't want them being tainted by it.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 22/04/2017 23:09

I'm so sorry that happened to you OP Flowers

It sounds like accepting the money for yourself would just cause you distress. Can the solicitor sort out giving it directly to a charity so that you don't have to have anything to do with it at all? Maybe you could show DP this thread? Maybe he doesn't understand that it's not 'just' money and it will have a negative psychological impact on you. You cannot put a price on your mental wellbeing.

Pigface1 · 22/04/2017 23:10

So sorry you went through this and it's coming back up again.

It's entirely your decision. No one else can tell you the right thing to do.

As PP have suggested you could take it and donate it to charity.

Is there anything you'd really like to do - like go on safari or something like that? Could you spend it on a really wonderful experience for you?

Alanna1 · 22/04/2017 23:12

Hugs to you. That's hard. Why don't you use some of it to pay for some counselling and then decide what to do with it?

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 23:13

I'm so glad I posted - I didn't think of asking the solicitor to donate it straight from them so that I don't have to touch it. Many many thanks for that suggestion Flowers

I think it is going to cause problems with DP though, he knows how I feel and is generally very supportive, but we also have children to consider.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 23:13

I'm so glad I posted - I didn't think of asking the solicitor to donate it straight from them so that I don't have to touch it. Many many thanks for that suggestion Flowers

I think it is going to cause problems with DP though, he knows how I feel and is generally very supportive, but we also have children to consider.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:17

This isn't about your partner though. Your partner can't possibly understand on an emotional level how this is going to make you feel if you accept.

To me it's only money and it would be spent well but I didn't go through what you did.

This is maybe a chance to lay that one to rest so you can move on. You are allowed to reject it. a peaceful mind is worth far more than money.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2017 23:17

It's extra money that neither you nor DP were expecting though so while I can see he thinks it would be useful it's not like you'll miss it if you never actually have it.

It really is entirely up to you. Please don't let anyone bully or hassle you about this. It has to be something you feel in control of x

Pinkheart5915 · 22/04/2017 23:23

It is entirely up to you, it has to be your choice and your dp needs to understand that.

I think you can take as long as you wish to decide, so don't rush anything.

I don't know what to say really, but donating to an abuse charity is a good idea, take it and burn it, use it to pay for some top counselling then decide, donate to a cat charity.

The money is yours and it is up to you what you want to do or don't do with it , It's all in your control and only your control

snorymcsnoreson · 22/04/2017 23:23

On a completely different note...

Is there any way you could take it and then spend it on something you wouldn't have though of in a million years... a meal at the ritz with the most expensive champagne. As a big 'fuck you' to the perpetrator.

MumUndone · 22/04/2017 23:27

Refuse the money and as a pp has said, ask the solicitor to give it to charity. Totally understandable that you wouldn't want to accept this money.

Ginkypig · 22/04/2017 23:27

You need to tell him straight, he has no comprehension of what it could mean to your emotional state to accept the money so in this one instance his job is to support you in whatever your decision is.

You don't need him making things harder for you and you respect his opinion but it has no relevance to the real struggle.

Iv had csa in my history too and my dp knows that anything that relates to it I must be in charge and control over how its dealt with.

SparkleSoiree · 22/04/2017 23:28

I can understand how you feel and would not want the money near me or my family. Your DH will just have to support you on this without discussion if that's how you feel.

Good idea about asking solicitor to donate it somewhere.

Batghee · 22/04/2017 23:30

i agree with getting solicitor to donate it to a childrens charity or rape crisis etc
Its awful that no one believed you at the time Flowers

sobeyondthehills · 22/04/2017 23:30

Just as a thought, would you be able to shove it in a savings account and just forget about it?

Otherwise I second getting the solicitor to deal with it

Brokenbiscuit · 22/04/2017 23:41

OP, I think it's entirely your decision. It's easy to understand why you wouldn't want to touch it, and if that's how you feel, then nobody should pressurise you to take it.

However, if you could really benefit from this money, please don't feel that accepting it would in any way make you complicit in what he did. You were an innocent child and a victim of his evil behaviour. Accepting the money would not mean that you were condoning his actions at all, or allowing him to "pay" you for what he did, as he tried to do all those years ago. He is dead, and he won't know whether you take the money or not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread