Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take the money? <CSA trigger>

123 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:58

As a child I suffered CSA at the hands of one of my foster parents. I reported, he denied it all and as a result he wasn't charged with anything. Whereas me the "troublemaker" was removed and placed in to a children's home.

The money part. As a child he would pay me (I didn't have any choice but paying made him feel better and made me feel like a prostitute at age ten ). When I left and told the police about the stash of money under my bed, he explained it away by saying I had stolen it.

That was 30 years ago and I haven't seen him since. However, I have just found out that he has recently died, and has left me some blood money in his will. I don't want it. DP thinks I'm mad not to accept it, and tbh I don't even know if I can refuse, but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of receiving money from him.

AIBU to tell the solicitor thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
MrsTwix · 23/04/2017 22:14

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but I do feel very strongly that this is your decision alone and that your partner has no right to be behaving like this. As you say it could be about more than the money, and he may well be upset at what happened to you, but by behaving like this he is making it even harder for you at a difficult time. I'm going to disagree with others and say it doesn't sound to me like you need counselling right now, you sound like you have come to terms with what happened and you have made a decision without difficulty that you don't want the money. It sounds to me like your partner needs some counselling not you. That money is tainted guilt money. I wouldn't blame you if you spent the lot, but that is your choice and so is not taking it. Your partner is being very very insensitive to try to make you take it, especially given that this man gave you money at the time of the abuse and how that made you feel.

Take care and keep strong.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 23/04/2017 23:18

Thank you x

Op your dp is showing his true colours. Flowers

Wedrine4me · 23/04/2017 23:58

Op don't give your abuser the power to destroy you relationship. You are entitled to feel how you feel, as is your DH who can see the use that money could be put to. It's a shame he can't empathise as much as we would like but it doesn't fundamentally make him a bad man - just one who sees the benefits of all that money slipping away from you both.

Stick to your guns if you feel that is what you need to do emotionally but try to give him some slack for also having strong feelings on the matter. Don't let your abuser have the power to destroy your relationship. When you reply empathise with his viewpoint but also make it clear that your emotional well being has to be prioritised over money. Ask him to respect your right to do what is best for you to recover from your personal trauma. Good luck.

Thanks
SleepFreeZone · 24/04/2017 11:53

I just wanted to add to this that this money potentially gives you some power. You can decide what happens to it, you can decide what bank account it sits in and for how long it sits there and for what purpose it is eventually used for. It could sit in a bank account for 25 years if you wanted it to with your absolute control as to what you use it for. You could donate some to a child a my use charity, you could use some for counselling, you could decide to go on a retreat or a healing pursuit.

By taking control of that money you earn some power back, his relatives won't be getting it, the government won't be getting it, you get to decide. You could even burn the whole fucking lot and tell him to get to fuck in your head. Just give yourself some time and tell you husband to back off and leave you to figure it out.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/04/2017 11:57

I am so sorry this happened Flowers

however what would really fuck that bastard off? you taking his money and donating it to a charity for child abuse victims. And you can ask that solicitor to do it, and make it clear why you want him to do it.

and desecrate that cunts grave too

Yanbu, I really u understand why you don't a penny of his filthy money

Wedrine4me · 24/04/2017 12:03

How do you feel about washing your hands on the money but doing a good deed with it? How about using it to make someone very important to you happy? Ignore me if looking at it from this perspective doesn't help but you could just say "I don't want it but I will put it to good use to make my DH happy" then let him spend it how he wants with no input from you.
Just an idea.

incogKNEEto · 24/04/2017 12:17

I agree with most other posters OP. It is solely your decision about what to do with the money.

I think donating it to a charity that helps abused children is a good idea as it takes his money and puts it to good use, helping others.

I also think your dp needs to understand that your mental well-being is far more important than money. I'm sorry that you have to deal with his lack of support at such a difficult time for you Flowers.

PovertyPain · 24/04/2017 12:42

I'm so sorry, OP. This does feel like a power play from the bastard that abused you. Leaving the money to you, was all about how it meant HIM feel. He was a bastard.

I'm so angry at your partner. I'd ask him if he'd be happy for one of your children was sexually abused, so long as they got some money out of it? SA is never in the past. It lives with the person forever. 🌹

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 24/04/2017 19:49

How are things today op?

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 08:14

I wrote out a lengthy reply but my phone froze when posting Sad

The upshot is, we have called it a day. He genuinely can't understand why I am (as he says) putting other children first before our own by donating it to charity. I have tried to understand his argument and planned to work together to find our way through this, but he has said and done some awful things these past couple of days. I don't think the pedestal I had him on should have been so high.

Those posters who were saying take my time before deciding, we had been wrestling with this for two weeks, and the moment I made my decision, and especially when I emailed the solicitor, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I feel like I have my "fuck you" to him, by both not accepting his attempt at either still attempting to assert some influence and control in my life, or to appease his guilt. Not sure if that sentence made sense or not. The biggest "fuck you" is that the money will be going to 2 charities, one for people who were abused in care, and the other to provide better outcomes for children in care, which I feel very strongly about.

My children are loved, well cared for and don't have the barriers against them that other children may have, so while DP argues I'm putting other children ahead of my own, maybe I am in terms of finance. But mine have all they need. Maybe when I feel a little less emotionally wrung out it will hit me harder, but for now I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Thank you to all who posted, each and every different viewpoint allowed me to try and create different scenarios for me to see how I would feel, and I didn't outline each one to DP. But when it came down to it, I've done what feels right for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 08:24

*did outline each one to DP

OP posts:
SpringTown46 · 25/04/2017 08:26

Flowers Well done.

DeadGood · 25/04/2017 08:34

OP, do you mean you have broken up with your partner over this?

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 08:34

deadgood yes

OP posts:
HDAM · 25/04/2017 08:35

Big hug for you OP, what a decision.

gamerchick · 25/04/2017 08:42

Big squeeze OP Flowers

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 08:54

Thank youFlowers

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 25/04/2017 08:55

I think you did the right thing in terms of the money. I don't think your DP realises how accepting it would have you feel- it's not 'just money' and you cannot put a price on staying mentally and emotionally ok, especially when you have children. I'm glad you feel a weight has been lifted, although I am sorry that you've called it a day with your DP. Regardless of whether you get back together I hope he can come around to seeing things from your perspective soon Flowers

Ginkypig · 25/04/2017 13:53

For him it's just money, he can never understand the emotional toll accepting it will have on you, it would (for me it would, maybe you too) feel like being abused all over again. I'm lucky that it's very unlikely that the person who abused me will put me in that particular horrible position.

I'm glad you have found a way to deal with this in a way that feels healthy and positive for you as that is the most important thing after what has happened to you.

I'm very sorry that this has led to your relationship breaking down but maybe it has highlighted that it wasn't the supportive partnership you need.

Good luck namechange

HouseworkIsASin10 · 25/04/2017 13:56

You made the right decision Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/04/2017 13:57

Oh OP Flowers

that's so fucking sad, but maybe as Gin said "maybe it has highlighted that it wasn't the supportive partnership you need"

sending you all my best wishes, you sound amazing

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 14:44

Thank you, you have no idea how much your kind words are helping Flowers

Gin he's definitely not the person I thought he was. Apparently I am just being a martyr and being a selfish cow. Oh, and he deserves some kind of recognition for not having a 'normal' relationship, i.e. having to take our time with the physical side of things. I'm not going to lie, that has taken a while to get my head round.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 25/04/2017 14:56

"Oh, and he deserves some kind of recognition for not having a 'normal' relationship, i.e. having to take our time with the physical side of things."

What the hell, does he want a medal? Because this has all been so hard on HIM, has it? Congrats on sacking him off, what an arsewipe!

Ginkypig · 25/04/2017 14:59

Sorry but he is not worthy of even being in the presence of a strong woman like you!

You have survived and then thrived, you then chose to share your very important hard won life with him and he try's to tell you that you are the not normal won! No your not normal you are better than normal and he should worship the ground you fucking walk on and be honoured that you have let him become part of your life and be intimidate with you.

I chose the wrong person too at first because I didn't know I was worth more than to be treated that way, it was better than before so it must be ok. Now though my partner although doesn't necessarily understand why I react certain ways completely supports me in every way and has made sure I know how lucky he feels to share his life with me (as I have made sure he knows too)

Ginkypig · 25/04/2017 15:00

Sorry for the spelling I was angry for you Blush

Swipe left for the next trending thread