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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take the money? <CSA trigger>

123 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:58

As a child I suffered CSA at the hands of one of my foster parents. I reported, he denied it all and as a result he wasn't charged with anything. Whereas me the "troublemaker" was removed and placed in to a children's home.

The money part. As a child he would pay me (I didn't have any choice but paying made him feel better and made me feel like a prostitute at age ten ). When I left and told the police about the stash of money under my bed, he explained it away by saying I had stolen it.

That was 30 years ago and I haven't seen him since. However, I have just found out that he has recently died, and has left me some blood money in his will. I don't want it. DP thinks I'm mad not to accept it, and tbh I don't even know if I can refuse, but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of receiving money from him.

AIBU to tell the solicitor thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 18:01

Op., youve been amazing in this. You are stronger without your ex. Im so angry for you.

TimeToMoveOnUp · 25/04/2017 18:56

You've chosen the right thing to do, so sorry your relationship is ending over this but it sounds like not the best environment for you, him saying he needed recognition is just inexcusable

mygorgeousmilo · 25/04/2017 19:08

You can't make this decision based on your DPs feelings. This is really a huge emotional decision to make. Me personally, even in financial trouble, I think I'd have no choice but to donate it. I get funny with money if it's a gift etc. as in, I have to spend it in its entirety on what it was intended for and for something worthy. Money that's tainted in this way, would weigh so heavily on me, even if I spent it on a desperately needed car or something. I can feel those negative vibes coming from it. One thing maybe I could stand to do would be to pay off or pay for some kind of course or education... maybe. I don't think I could buy a physical thing and have it in my life. But as PP have said, a donation to a charity might be the best way to make use of it. Don't reject it, if you can't spend it then at least give to a good cause

MadMags · 25/04/2017 19:17

I was going to say maybe see a counsellor together and in the right environment, with someone helping, you might be able to make him understand.

But, never mind now. He sounds like a right knob.

I'm so sorry for so much, OP. I get it.

Orthanc · 25/04/2017 19:20

God! I am so utterly pissed off at your husband, what an arsehole to respond like that and judge the way you've coped with it all too. I rarely say that sort of thing as so much is difficult to guess at on Mumsnet, but we've had a surprisingly similar situation and my dh has been totally supportive. I'm so sorry yours wasn't.

Starlight2345 · 25/04/2017 19:38

Do you know My dad died who SA me. It felt like a huge relief. There was never an option to come back or need to ever speak to him again.

I felt a huge relief..

No one can tell you what is right. I took the money as I have gone without to pay for private counselling and felt I could use the money to make my DS's life happier than mine was. I feel I lost my life but want to create a new future.

Your DH though seems to have shown his true colours and sadly more damage has been done.

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 19:40

to those who have been through similar experiences. I'm utterly heartbroken. He wasn't my DP yet, but we had big plans yet I feel like the past few years have been a lie

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 19:53

How long were you together?

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 25/04/2017 19:57

Wasn't my DH yet.

We've been together a couple of years, my children aren't his but he treats them as if they were.

OP posts:

Yellowcups · 25/04/2017 20:00

Spend it on the most extravagant holiday ever whilst sticking 2 fingers up at him. Donate any left over if the amount is significant enough.

BigGrannyPants · 25/04/2017 20:07

Well done on dealing with loads of really tough decisions in quick succession. So sorry for what you have been through, both now and in the past. I hope you and your DCs can make a clean break

neonrainbow · 25/04/2017 20:57

You are a fantastic brave woman both for what you've survived and because you are strong enough to stand by your own wishes with what you do with the money. It brought a tear to my eye to see youre giving it to charity.

And also strong that you have recognised your dp does not have your best interests at heart and taking the leap to end things. You deserve so much more than your ex dp.

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 21:07

They mumsnet do say it can take roughly two years for people's true personality to come out. Focus on the positives, not the lost time. Better now than after he moved in. Better now than after you had a child together.

BMW6 · 25/04/2017 21:12

You dodged a bullet OP. Best of luck to you

OnTheUp13 · 25/04/2017 21:21

OP you've put yourself and your mental health first so you've done the right thing. You're pretty bloody amazing. 💖

JunosRevenge · 25/04/2017 22:52

Unlurking to say that you're amazing, OP. Well done.

For you

weaselwords · 26/04/2017 06:01

That weight off your shoulders tells that you did the right thing for you. I'm sorry your DP couldn't support you through this.

JigglyTuff · 26/04/2017 06:18

I'm sorry you've found out your partner isn't the man you thought he was but so glad that you are at peace with the money and that it will help other children.

You sound fab and I really hope this helps you to move on from your dreadful childhood experiences.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 26/04/2017 12:31

Oh, and he deserves some kind of recognition for not having a 'normal' relationship, i.e. having to take our time with the physical side of things.

What? Like some sort of reward? So sorry he has turned out this way.

Creampastry · 26/04/2017 16:58

As this is AIBU I am sorry to say this but I think you should have kept it. What happens if your child needs life saving medical treatment overseas - could you still pay for it now you have given the money away? What if they want to be nurses and need financial help as the government gives them bugger all?

I will add I have no experience of what you went through but sadly there needs to be a degree of practicality.

Orthanc · 26/04/2017 17:11

"I will add I have no experience of what you went through but sadly there needs to be a degree of practicality."

As kindly as possible cream, if you haven't been through it, then perhaps you don't understand what it can feel like. I imagine it's easy to think of just "the money" and how useful that could be, or to think of it as a form of compensation, but it's not quite that simple when it happens to you and when you've spent a lifetime recovering (and are still recovering).

Perhaps one comparison would be enjoying a gift of blood diamonds, or being given the possessions of holocaust victims or something - that sort of level of feeling, but with an even closer intense personal connection to the suffering. (Maybe those aren't apt comparisons and I apologise sincerely if they're distasteful to others; it's hard to describe).

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 26/04/2017 17:24

I'm still reading

Cream I do understand your argument and maybe I haven't done what is practical for possible future outcomes, but I've done the only thing I feel comfortable with now.

And you're right - I posted in AIBU so I could get different viewpoints so thank you for yours

OP posts:

Creampastry · 26/04/2017 17:28

The joys of AIBU. Anyway, it is just my small opinion and I do hope you have a happy life from this moment onwards.

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