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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take the money? <CSA trigger>

123 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:58

As a child I suffered CSA at the hands of one of my foster parents. I reported, he denied it all and as a result he wasn't charged with anything. Whereas me the "troublemaker" was removed and placed in to a children's home.

The money part. As a child he would pay me (I didn't have any choice but paying made him feel better and made me feel like a prostitute at age ten ). When I left and told the police about the stash of money under my bed, he explained it away by saying I had stolen it.

That was 30 years ago and I haven't seen him since. However, I have just found out that he has recently died, and has left me some blood money in his will. I don't want it. DP thinks I'm mad not to accept it, and tbh I don't even know if I can refuse, but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of receiving money from him.

AIBU to tell the solicitor thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:46

But taking the money may mean he can rest in peace having attoned for his sins.

If you haven't been through it you can't even imagine what it signifies.

Yes he won't know. He's a cunt for thinking of himself when he left it. All about him in the end.

It's just money to the majority of us reading.

helpneededormaybegin · 22/04/2017 23:47

OP I cannot begin to think how shit this must be. I totally get why you don't want to invest / spend this money on your DC. However I think I echo a PP's thoughts, around spending it on something meaningless yet "fuck you" like a really nice holiday or meal or night out. That way it's spent, done, and maybe you could get a modicum of enjoyment out of it as physical cash, without having a lasting reminder or it. I'm sorry if this seems inappropriate, it's what I'd do but I've never been through what you have so I'm sorry if it seems flippant.

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 23:51

*but DP is dead against giving it away"

How dare he even attempt to try to sway your decision. Ask the solicitor to donate it directly to a CSA charity x

Wondermoomin · 22/04/2017 23:54

I agree with what brokenbiscuit said.

A friend from a long time ago received a significant sum of money as a result of being raped. (It was compensation - criminal injuries compensation I presume? - because the man was convicted). She used it as a deposit for her first flat. Accepting the money was completely separate from accepting what she'd gone through.

Not accepting the money that's been left to you will not send any message to the perpetrator - he's an evil dead man so doesn't know what'll happen with what used to be his money.

Accepting the money doesn't signify that you've forgiven him or made peace with it. It's separate.

You're legally entitled to it as per his will and you can do what you want with it - as per your free will.

This is your decision to make. If you don't feel ready to make the decision, stick it in an account and carry on with life until such time as you feel you can decide. If you never decide, that's ok too. It's there to be passed on to your children without them ever knowing of its history.

What happened in the past wasn't up to you, and it's over. Taking or not taking the money won't change it. But you are in control now.

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 23:57

Thank you all. Please forgive me for not answering individually but it's all kicked off here. DP is absolutely raging, calling me selfish etc and has stormed off home in a right huff. I think, well I know he's out of order, but I think he's angry about the whole situation not just the will, but that doesn't help me right now. So I asked him to leave and to give me some space to figure it out.

This is truly shit.

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 23:59

I'm so sorry x

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 23/04/2017 00:01

broken I think you've hit the nail on the head, and it's the reason I've had many years of counselling. I did/do (can't figure out whether I still do or not) feel like by taking the money meant I was complicit, when in reality I know that not taking the money meant I would be physically assaulted as well. I think that's why I'm so dead against this now, I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm saying it's ok, you've paid me so it's all good.

Sorry, my head is rather scrambled at the moment and I guess I'm not making much sense.

OP posts:

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 23/04/2017 00:02

I was going to sy the same s brokenbiscuit but woth the reaction of your prtber maybe you do need the counselling?

alltouchedout · 23/04/2017 00:04

I wouldn't take it and I would be heartbroken if dh didn't understand why.
to you, op.

sparechange · 23/04/2017 00:05

But taking the money may mean he can rest in peace having attoned for his sins

Sorry but this is utter bollocks

He is a dead abuser. He isn't resting peacefully or otherwise. He is dead

Whatever you do with the money is about what is best for you and your family.
It won't make a single tiny difference to what happens to his corpse and to suggest otherwise is utterly sick and twisted

Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2017 00:10

OP, he was trying to make you believe that you were complicit, but that was all part of the abuse. You were just an innocent, frightened child. You did nothing wrong and you were not responsible for what happened in any way.

Whatever you decide to do about this money now, you will not be saying that what he did was ok. Nothing can make it ok. Nothing can change what happened. Your decisions have to be about what's best for you going forward - and only you can make that decision.

I'm sorry your dh is giving you such a hard time over this. I hope that he has time to reflect and that he will be supportive of whatever you choose.

gamerchick · 23/04/2017 00:16

*But taking the money may mean he can rest in peace having attoned for his sins

Sorry but this is utter bollocks

He is a dead abuser. He isn't resting peacefully or otherwise. He is dead

Whatever you do with the money is about what is best for you and your family.
It won't make a single tiny difference to what happens to his corpse and to suggest otherwise is utterly sick and twisted*

Yes he is TO US.

I take it you were paid money as a child to put up with SA then? If you were then what would you do?

He left that money because he knew he'd done wrong. How dare he bring it up all now!

sparechange · 23/04/2017 00:18

gamerchick

Your post doesn't really make sense, and I'm pretty sure isn't helpful to the OP

Maybe this isn't the time to derail with your ghost theories, eh?

Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2017 00:24

But the point is, gamer, he has already had any benefits from leaving the money to the OP, whether she takes it or not. Perhaps it eased his conscience a little, or perhaps it didn't. Personally, I hope that he was plagued by a guilt that never left him.

The fact is, whatever the OP does with the money now makes no difference to the evil abuser whatsoever. Refusing the money will not punish him in any way, while accepting it won't enable him to atone for his sins. He is dead and he no longer matters. What matters is what's best for the OP going forward. And that's for the OP to decide.

whattheactualfudge · 23/04/2017 00:24

Donate it (via Solicitor) to a Charity/Cause relating to something that would make him REALLY annoyed! Something he's really against! There are charities for everything...

whattheactualfudge · 23/04/2017 00:30

(I meant your abuser, not your DP)

gamerchick · 23/04/2017 00:30

I know that! Fuxache.

Good luck OP.

Wondermoomin · 23/04/2017 00:32

Who are you suggesting doesn't know that gamer? The dead abuser?

sparechange · 23/04/2017 00:37

Put down the wine, gamerchick

UppityHumpty · 23/04/2017 03:09

Money is money. Spend it if you need it (and it looks like you do need it). Don't let your issues with him affect that

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 23/04/2017 07:26

I'm definitely not accepting it, I'll get on to the solicitor tomorrow. I wish I could just see it as money, but I can't.

DP can't accept this, and we have reached stalemate. I'm so upset with him (and him me) that I'm not sure how to get past this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangecentralstation · 23/04/2017 07:27

Posted too early. Thank you to all who have posted, gave differing points of view etc, it has really helped me work out my own feelings

OP posts:

GloGirl · 23/04/2017 07:39

A poster said above that her husband has been told that anything related to her CSA she has to have full control over.

Give it a couple of days then sit him down and tell him how it feels to constantly distrust yourself and how awful it is to lose control, how what you need is to be in power of your own thoughts and actions. You can't help but have a 10 year old reaction to this will because in a lot of ways this man robbed you of your ability to mature. You HAVE to handle this how you need to. Your voice is the only one that is important in this.

Is there anyway you can leave the decision for a couple of weeks though as a compromise to your husband? I can only imagine the trauma you live through everyday and this will have real costs on your life.

deckoff · 23/04/2017 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2017 08:05

I understand that this must be difficult for your dh, as to him, it's just money that your family really needs. However, he needs to respect your decision and not make you feel worse than you already do.

Could you show him this thread? Would that help him to understand how you feel?

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