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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take the money? <CSA trigger>

123 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 22/04/2017 22:58

As a child I suffered CSA at the hands of one of my foster parents. I reported, he denied it all and as a result he wasn't charged with anything. Whereas me the "troublemaker" was removed and placed in to a children's home.

The money part. As a child he would pay me (I didn't have any choice but paying made him feel better and made me feel like a prostitute at age ten ). When I left and told the police about the stash of money under my bed, he explained it away by saying I had stolen it.

That was 30 years ago and I haven't seen him since. However, I have just found out that he has recently died, and has left me some blood money in his will. I don't want it. DP thinks I'm mad not to accept it, and tbh I don't even know if I can refuse, but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of receiving money from him.

AIBU to tell the solicitor thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
TaliDiNozzo · 23/04/2017 09:33

Gosh this is difficult, and there's no right answer really.

My father was abusive to me (not csa, financial, physical and emotional abuse) and I inherited from him when he died. It wasn't a massive amount of money, probably amounted to around £3k I think. I had dilemmas about accepting the money for a long time. In the end I did accept it and used it to treat the family, I felt it was a big 'fuck you' to him as he'd made me terribly miserable in life and it was oddly satisfying to do something lovely for myself and my family with the money he'd left.

Whatever you do OP, make it for your reasons alone, you don't need approval from other people. That said, do not make any quick decisions either, you may need some significant time for this one.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 23/04/2017 09:42

Whilst I understand your DPs point of view, he can't get annoyed at you not accepting the money because it's not money you already had IYSWIM. It's not like you are giving away money you had already, and if he hadn't died you wouldn't have the option.
So it's yours to deal with, and he needs to respect that.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 09:49

What a shame your boyfriend seems to be putting money above your mental well-being. Is he making any effort to try to understand it has he just flounced off back to his house?

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2017 09:52

I also see this as your decision and understand why you wouldn't want it. Can you see it as something else, money that will make your families life easier, that puts an end to what happened, that you can now enjoy your life with. It's not payment, it doesn't mean it was ok, but anything that makes you and your families life easier you richly deserve. Before making a decision can you see it another way?

QueenArseClangers · 23/04/2017 09:58

When my father died there was a collection at the funeral.
He was an abusive, wife beating, evil bastard with enabling apologists as his family on 'his' side.
My darling mother announced that all the money collected would be given to our local Women's Aid shelter to help women fleeing marriages like hers was.
She felt so great doing this, a big fuck you to the cunt. She then linked my arm and sang 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead' and walked down the crematorium aisle.

Totally different situation but it helped her so much to feel powerful after years of feeling powerless.

Wedrine4me · 23/04/2017 10:04

Spend the money and literally stick two fingers up at him as you spend it - but I can understand why you can't.

weaselwords · 23/04/2017 10:11

You need to reject this money as part of your healing process.

nachogazpacho · 23/04/2017 10:20

Could you recycle the money somehow like investing it, making a profit, then donating the original amount but keeping the 'new' money you made. That 'new' money won't have ever been in his possession. Just an idea. I can absolutely understand why you'd not want any of it. This is just a continuation of his abuse after his death imo. Ask your solicitor or a financial advisor if there is any way you can make new money on it and then donate the original amount after.

Creampastry · 23/04/2017 10:24

Please do not give it awY just yet. Stash it somewhere and have a think. It seems like you're financislly struggling so I get where your husband is coming from. Don't allow your dad to come between you both. It is money, you could use it to pay off debts or things you don't see, rather than using it for a holiday etc.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 10:31

OP has made her decision. The person who has a problem isn't her husband.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/04/2017 10:36

If you don't want to accept the money, don't. If your DH doesn't understand why you don't want it, then that's a problem. Because he should be supporting you in your decisions given the circumstances and how much you suffered at the hands of this person. Just do what you feel comfortable with - don't succumb to pressure from anyone else.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 10:36

So can people give over trying to convince her to change her mind and have a little more sensitivity maybe? x

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 23/04/2017 10:55

Can someone please tell me what the C is csa stnd for? Ive tried googling.

How are things today op?

NotALottaPot · 23/04/2017 11:01

I think you should take the money and maybe use some of it for counselling, some for charity. I know it's hard though.

RedHelenB · 23/04/2017 11:05

If accepting the money is a no no then just dont. Nothing is worth going through all the anxiety again.

TheSnowFairy · 23/04/2017 11:21

Michael child

Ginkypig · 23/04/2017 11:25

talking the c stands for child

youarenotkiddingme · 23/04/2017 12:01

What a horrible situation name Flowers

I was faked and that's been hard enough but I really don't know how I'd react if there was money involved and the feelings surrounding accepting it.

However I've been thinking about it. Your abuser is dead. He gave this money for whatever reason. He does knowing you'd get it. He will NEVER know if you accepted it or not. So his mindset in this will not change whatever your decision.

So this decision purely is based on how it makes you feel. And you only.

Either you can take the money as a way of having things you would t have had without it and benefit that way or this money will always be tainted because of what it represents.

Your DP needs to understand why you are making the decision you are.

SleepFreeZone · 23/04/2017 12:24

I wonder if you could see it as victim compensation. If it came from the government could you accept it then? Don't let your dead abuser fuck up your relationship OP, he doesn't deserve that power.

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 23/04/2017 19:22

youare sorry similar has happened to you Flowers

Apologies for the delay in posting, it has been a tough day.

Gamer that's pretty much how I feel, that by accepting it I'm granting him peace or something, and as weasal rightly says, I need to reject this completely as part of my healing.

DP has sent a lengthy email to me today, setting out exactly where his thoughts lie. I haven't replied as yet as my thoughts at the moment are to tell him to fuck the fuck off.

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 23/04/2017 19:51

Perhaps a different way of looking at it is that in leaving you the money, the vile, twisted piece of crap has admitted his guilt for what he put you through and proved you were not a "troublemaker" but an innocent child that he abused. Sorry, this doesn't help with wether or not you should take the money but may help your emotional outlook

OliviaBenson · 23/04/2017 20:23

I'm very very sorry about what's happened to you, I cannot even begin to imagine.

I just wanted to say, however, it might be worth just putting the brakes on any decision and talking it through with a councillor.

This is obviously causing a huge rift between you and your DP which is very concerning. What are your DP's concerns/points? This would be terrible if it caused you to split up and I would be concerned that your abuser is causing that, even after all these years.

Wigbert · 23/04/2017 20:44

This is totally up to you Op. I totally understand why you would not want to accept the money. Your abuser is dead so whether you accept the money or not doesn't matter to him but it makes a difference to you. The feeling that if you accept the money that you are complicit in him 'paying' you off and sending the message that it was okay as you have been paid. Unfortunately, I understand that. At 12yo I was abused by a family friend and 'paid off'. I took the money as I felt he owed me but now I know he took advantage of me and eased his conscience by giving me money. If he had left me money when he died (I hope he is dead already) I would not accept it now. I would expect my husband to try to understand and to respect my decision (which I know he would).

Original poster
Namechangecentralstation · 23/04/2017 21:08

Wigbert Flowers

OP posts:
Shitonmyshoe · 23/04/2017 21:40

Not much add other than that you are an amazingly courageous person. Keep being you Flowers

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