To not want to see or speak to her again?

[froofroomcgoo]

Been wanting to write this for a while but didn't have the guts. This could be loooong.

My BF is one of DH's BF. They met at uni, I met her about 3 months after he did. I was her maid of honor, she mine. DH was an usher at her wedding, we see each other most weeks. Or did.

I got pregnant shortly after getting married. She requires an operation before she can have children (well, it's advised the operation is before pregnancy as pregnancy could make her condition worse) she doesn't want the operation so has put it off until recently when she has had to organise it. She isn't sure she wants kids at all, wants to foster ASD children.

She was the first person we told I was pregnant. She was excited and happy for us, continued to see her regularly. Then baby came. I had mild postnatal depression, I was struggling with the physical changes to my body, I had a birth injury causing on going issues and my sex life was non-existent which along with my mood was causing issues in my relationship. I confided in her. DS was a velcro baby, bottle refuser and terrible, terrible sleeper. I was miserable, sleep deprived and depressed.

I feel that as a good friend she should have suggested nights in round mine, shopping trips or lunch out, nights round her with DS coming with me, walks in the park etc (which I did suggest to her). I feel she should have hugged me, listened to me, told me to buck up. I did ask about her life and the things important to her etc, it wasn't one sided.

Instead, she went out drinking and dancing with DH, invited him to child-unfriendly things, invited him to lunch, the park, shopping, coffee with DS (under the guise of giving me a break).

We used to all do a hobby together, which I can't do due to my birth injury. She'd invite DH to do that, knowing how upset it made me, she'd invite him to gigs, trips away.

DH would always ask me before saying yes or no, and would sometimes say no anyway as he knew I was struggling, but I felt bad asking him not to go (I know now I should have said when I wasn't happy.

She'd also do things such as when we were round hers, put music on and give DH drinks and start dancing, then say "I really want to go out dancing but I bet froo won't let you" within earshot of me.

It all came to a head when DS was about 8 months when DH and her were going away for an event. DH informed me he'd book a twin room (we're pretty broke) or take an airbed in a cheapo hotel. I found out the night before that he's booked a naice hotel with 4 poster bed (though it was cheap!) we had a massive row and they didn't go.

We discussed it afterwards and DH did admit that he and DF had been getting close, he's been confiding in her and enjoyed spending time with her and could see it wouldn't take much for him to start having inappropriate feelings for her. He admitted his behaviour had been out of order and we discussed the issues in our relationship and are working on those.

DH maintains that DF didn't know about the hotel and I shouldn't blame her. I pointed out all the issues above and told him I felt she had been a poor friend to me, and had been undermining our relationship by listening to me about how I felt and things that were going wrong and then using them to get close to DH. DH admitted that he hadn't seen it that way but could see my point and that that meant she wasn't a good friend to him either.

Unfortunately she is part of a wider close friendship group, making it very hard to cut her off completely. I've seen her maybe 6 times since this incident. I'm polite but cool. The rest of group don't know about any of this. DH is still maintaining a friendship with her, though made the decision himself not to see her alone at all, or without me where possible.

He feels over time I should forgive her and move on. I don't want to. There is history of her doing similar things and this is just the final straw. I don't want her in my life. It's been about 9 months now.

DH and I have been working through things and things have been pretty good. I haven't fully decided if I can get over what he did, I do believe it to be an emotional affair and I'm not sure I can forgive him, but I'm trying.

AIBU to never want too see her again? And certainly not consider her a friend?

I think we're doing well and then I find that last night, when out with work and drunk, he text her. He clearly wanted to see her (I don't know what he text, just her response of "I'm not out tonight" when it flashed up on his phone screen.) and know I'm thinking does he still have feelings for her?

I hate this!

thoughtless twit

No he is not, that's probably what he'd like OP to think, but he's not. It takes some thought to decide to book a bloody double room with a four poster bed for when you are away with a woman who's not your wife. It doesn't happen by accident or because he didn't think.

I agree with snapcrap. I think they probably were and he's lying to OP to keep the marriage together.

OP - have you talked to her DH? I would spill the lot to him.

Let DF and DH deal with that.

I think he does have feelings for her, I woukd expect him to cut off from her, if he doesent he has no respect for your marriage or you. How would he like it if you were getting close to a bloke, no I don't think he would. Shoddy behaviour from both of them, especially your husband.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

They're both treating you terribly and I agree with PP that the four poster bed wasn't an accident. Also agree that when you out them they will likely minimise their behaviour and make out you're over reacting.

Personally I'd LTB but it is much easier to say than to do.

They're a pair of arseholes and you should leave him. He tried to have an affair with her and told you to get over it. That's what it boils down to. I'm enraged just reading what they did. Why aren't you enraged? Get enraged OP!

Your anger is misplaced. Your DH was at the heart of the deceit. He obviously hasn't learned his lesson by still texting her. If it was my DH his stuff would be in the garden.

Counselling and an ultimatum that she is cut out of your lives. You might not want to lose the rest of the group but I think if you are to get over this then it's a straight choice between your marriage or your friendship group. Both isn't possible.

He betrayed you. Even if it wasn't a physical affair it would have been at some point with the four poster bed etc. You have to treat this as a full blown affair and decide with counselling if you can move on past this. But not with her in your future if you do continue with your relationship.

You can decide not to see her again and no longer be friends. Goes without saying.

But that won't save your marriage.
What is there to stop him and her getting together?

It is about what your dh does or doesn't do. He acted of his own volition. He booked the hotel .
And he has shown he doesn't care about you.or your marriage.
Tell other friends.get support from your family.
Get informed on where you stand if you divorce.

To me, the booking of the 4 poster bed room is a MAJOR clue that this has already gone sexual

I agree they have went out to hobbies gigs etc together alone so therefore had plenty of opportunities to cheat. You don't just jump to booking a 4poster bed, this has been well thought out and plan down to the lying and shifty behaviour. To me this suggests he has been unfaithful physically and is displaying signs of guilt which is why you investigated.

The only way through this is to cut yourselves off from her completely and for him to be completely honest with you about what went on.

Cheaters minimise their actions, they will try to give away as little as they can a kiss a cuddle, it was just one time. Unless corner with physical evidence they will continue to lie.

The fact he refuses to cut ties completely speaks volumes he has admitted developing some feelings (again minisming his actions) yet he messages her when drunk to met up when he's out without dispite promising you he wouldn't be allow with her- that comment suggests he doesn't trust himself with her.

My blood is boiling for you. Something needs to happen, you can't go on like this. You seem to minimise your husband's role in this, and because you didn't go ballistic at the start, he thinks he's home and dry. I think you need to tell him to arrange counselling with a view to having an amicable split. Tell him that after careful consideration you're really unhappy with his behaviour and his lack of remorse and his determination to have the 3rd party still in your relationship - because she IS - regardless of how much you've cooled it, he hasn't. His actions going forward will tell you everything you need to know. He's not put his wife and child first, and many men make that mistake early on, but will he now?

I think you've been horribly betrayed by two people you trusted. Your good friend, who turned out to not be a good friend at all, but someone who had been jealous of you for some time, and used your vulnerability to try and get together with your husband. And your husband, who, when his wife had just had his baby, endured a diffucult birth and was suffering with the resulting injury and the shock of being a new mother with a changed body, went out for fun times with a mutual female friend. I think it sounds quite possible that they were having an affair, and yet he wants you to "forgive" her? I would find it very, very, hard to forgive my husband for behaviour like this. Yes of course ditch the non-friend, she sounds absolutely horrible and duplicitous. But also do some proper investigation into just what was happening between this woman and your husband. Check email history, texts etc. What is your gut feeling? Do you think it was an affair? I would find it very difficult to move forward with a man so feeble and vain that he was seduced by fun times out , flattery and flirtation, just when I was at my most vulnerable. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

No matter what, the trust is gone. No way would I be able to believe a word he said after that.

I'd also want to fill in your friend's DH with the four-poster story, because he's being taken for a ride by this piece of work too, I expect.

Hes trying his best to cheat on you if he hasnt already. I think if it was me my marriage would be over. I could never trust him again after that.

There is no way he booked a four poster bed without her knowledge.

Even if they hadn't slept together yet (had they been away for weekends together before) they certainly discussed it, and that night was going to be the night hence why he booked a four poster bed.

They were having an affair, they may still be having an affair in fact. The fact that he hasn't cut contact with her is testament to the fact that he doesn't want to give her up.

You are not unreasonable not to want anything to do with her, but she is not the one who has betrayed you alone - he has as well.

He's a sack of shit. Planning their little romantic break while you're going through pnd and desperately need support and understanding.

She's used your pnd to boost her own ego. Despicable.

I had pnd. My partner wasn't supportive and I felt so lost. He cheated on me when our baby was 18 months old. I was devastated and so angry. It took the love and support of family and (real) friends to get through it. He's gone and I now realise that's for the best. But I wish you all the best with marriage counselling. X

I did go ballistic at the time. Kicked him out etc. We then talked and then it was separate beds etc. I still had PND at the time and was chronically sleep deprived so found it difficult to do anything more.

I didn't give him an ultimatum because essentially I don't believe they work - he either wants to continue to be friends with her or he doesn't. He's an adult and can make an informed decision. If I don't agree with that decision I'm an adult and can walk away.

I won't be telling her DH. I suspect when DH cancelled the meeting up with her and told her why, she told her DH some cock and bull story.

He booked a 4 poster bedroom and lied to you, bet he was going to get cosy with her, it certainly seems that way. Telling you to get over it, wtf. Yes your friends behaviour has been bad, she is no friend, but your husbands behaviour is worse.

When you found the booking he fed you the thin end of the wedge. They were already well into it by then.

They're both cunts.

I didn't give him an ultimatum because essentially I don't believe they work - he either wants to continue to be friends with her or he doesn't. He's an adult and can make an informed decision. If I don't agree with that decision I'm an adult and can walk away

You don't want to admit that he has been having an affair this more than friends. Friends don't book a 4poster bedroom exclude their DP/DF from stuff to be alone together.

I'm very sorry, but while your friend isn't much of a friend, your husband is the real problem here. He married you. He took vows. And he has been regularly leaving you home with the baby and PND and struggling while he's been off having fun with your friend? WTF?!

And now he wants you to get over it?

Wow.

Block her and cut her off - she is a snake. Nut the main betrayer is your husband - he is NOT your friend. He left you literally holding the baby when you were at your lowest and needed support to go off having an EA (at the very least with your mutual friend). He has not loved or cherished you - he is therefore a bad father - it was his responsibility to look out for you and therefore his child. Get some counselling for yourself - his behaviour is unjustifiable

You don't book a double bed unless you are certain the other person is going to be sleeping in it with you.

No way.

They had either already been screwing and it was beyond an EA or that was to be their first night.

If it was to be their first night she would have been going there with him fully aware why.

He is protecting her.

He is still contacting her.

He wants you to shut and be friends with her again because it means he can be around her again without your wondering why.

He isn't putting you, your family or your feelings first.

Sounds like my ex. Tried to justify all sorts of crap and I initially fell for the lies as I couldn't believe he'd do anything so underhand but I happened upon a password protected file on his computer that I made him unlock and it contained a love letter to her.
Eventually it turned out they'd been shagging around for a few months.
She was a work colleague of his that I'd met a few times socially.

Honestly? It's not an EA. They've been at it for a while.
You need to decide if you're willing to move on from this but only if he cuts ties completely.

Please have my first ever LTB. Four poster bed. Jesus. I'd put up with more than most mnetters but that would be a no going back situation. You poor thing, you have been properly shafted by both of them. Your husband is a cunt.