Been wanting to write this for a while but didn't have the guts. This could be loooong.
My BF is one of DH's BF. They met at uni, I met her about 3 months after he did. I was her maid of honor, she mine. DH was an usher at her wedding, we see each other most weeks. Or did.
I got pregnant shortly after getting married. She requires an operation before she can have children (well, it's advised the operation is before pregnancy as pregnancy could make her condition worse) she doesn't want the operation so has put it off until recently when she has had to organise it. She isn't sure she wants kids at all, wants to foster ASD children.
She was the first person we told I was pregnant. She was excited and happy for us, continued to see her regularly. Then baby came. I had mild postnatal depression, I was struggling with the physical changes to my body, I had a birth injury causing on going issues and my sex life was non-existent which along with my mood was causing issues in my relationship. I confided in her. DS was a velcro baby, bottle refuser and terrible, terrible sleeper. I was miserable, sleep deprived and depressed.
I feel that as a good friend she should have suggested nights in round mine, shopping trips or lunch out, nights round her with DS coming with me, walks in the park etc (which I did suggest to her). I feel she should have hugged me, listened to me, told me to buck up. I did ask about her life and the things important to her etc, it wasn't one sided.
Instead, she went out drinking and dancing with DH, invited him to child-unfriendly things, invited him to lunch, the park, shopping, coffee with DS (under the guise of giving me a break).
We used to all do a hobby together, which I can't do due to my birth injury. She'd invite DH to do that, knowing how upset it made me, she'd invite him to gigs, trips away.
DH would always ask me before saying yes or no, and would sometimes say no anyway as he knew I was struggling, but I felt bad asking him not to go (I know now I should have said when I wasn't happy.
She'd also do things such as when we were round hers, put music on and give DH drinks and start dancing, then say "I really want to go out dancing but I bet froo won't let you" within earshot of me.
It all came to a head when DS was about 8 months when DH and her were going away for an event. DH informed me he'd book a twin room (we're pretty broke) or take an airbed in a cheapo hotel. I found out the night before that he's booked a naice hotel with 4 poster bed (though it was cheap!) we had a massive row and they didn't go.
We discussed it afterwards and DH did admit that he and DF had been getting close, he's been confiding in her and enjoyed spending time with her and could see it wouldn't take much for him to start having inappropriate feelings for her. He admitted his behaviour had been out of order and we discussed the issues in our relationship and are working on those.
DH maintains that DF didn't know about the hotel and I shouldn't blame her. I pointed out all the issues above and told him I felt she had been a poor friend to me, and had been undermining our relationship by listening to me about how I felt and things that were going wrong and then using them to get close to DH. DH admitted that he hadn't seen it that way but could see my point and that that meant she wasn't a good friend to him either.
Unfortunately she is part of a wider close friendship group, making it very hard to cut her off completely. I've seen her maybe 6 times since this incident. I'm polite but cool. The rest of group don't know about any of this. DH is still maintaining a friendship with her, though made the decision himself not to see her alone at all, or without me where possible.
He feels over time I should forgive her and move on. I don't want to. There is history of her doing similar things and this is just the final straw. I don't want her in my life. It's been about 9 months now.
DH and I have been working through things and things have been pretty good. I haven't fully decided if I can get over what he did, I do believe it to be an emotional affair and I'm not sure I can forgive him, but I'm trying.
AIBU to never want too see her again? And certainly not consider her a friend?
I think we're doing well and then I find that last night, when out with work and drunk, he text her. He clearly wanted to see her (I don't know what he text, just her response of "I'm not out tonight" when it flashed up on his phone screen.) and know I'm thinking does he still have feelings for her?
I hate this!