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Original poster

House/kids/marriage - in what order?!

198 replies

Jaimejaime · 19/04/2017 21:48

Which should come first?! Confused

DP is 32 and I am 23. We are engaged and currently live in a rented property where we have been for 3 years. We have enough money saved for a deposit on a house and with our combined salaries can afford a nice family home. However, this will mean using every last penny of our savings up... meaning a wedding would have to be quite some way away. We are also keen to have a nice long honeymoon together.

In addition, we are keen to start a family relatively soon (I always hoped to have my first by 25 and be married first) which is also going to cost us not only in purchasing all the necessaries but we would like to have some money saved up to make up for my maternity leave etc.

There is no way we can afford to do all 3 at this moment in time so I'm wondering how you all did things and how it worked out for you?!

OP posts:
buzzmoon · 20/04/2017 18:36

You have the exact same age gap as me and my DP. Bought our house when I was 23, we're getting married in July and I'm pregnant with first baby due November :) I turn 25 in July :) it's not impossible. We're not rich, just save well and not having a ridiculously expensive wedding. Still catering for 150 people though!

Personally, house was my priority, then marriage then babies

womaninatightspot · 20/04/2017 18:38

I did wedding, child, then house then several more children. I always said I'd have my first child at 30 and be done by 35 which I was.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/04/2017 18:40

Thinking about it further - I'd do marriage first, because once you've bought a house, there will always be something more sensible to spend your money on. A new kitchen, a new bathroom, do you really want to spend all that money on a big honeymoon when you really could do with a new dining table etc.

However, with the benefit of being a decade on, you will probably own several sofas and have different kitchens over your life with DP/DH, you will only have (hopefully!) 1 wedding day and 1 honeymoon. (And post DCs, holidays are very different, even if you can afford the big budget type!)

Obviously you might not want the big wedding, but from your first post, the fact you are even considering the big budget day suggests you would. I do know people who regret having a small wedding when they really wanted a big day. (and there's lots of people on MN who'll happily tell you they regret having a big day when they wanted something small).

Wedding, house, kids.

MuffinMaiden · 20/04/2017 19:59

My plan was house, marriage, kids. But found out I was pregnant two months after putting an offer on a house and before we'd exchanged contracts!

Now I'm excited by the prospect of having my beautiful DS at my future wedding (If my partner ever proposes!)

seven201 · 20/04/2017 20:11

Bought flat together at 27, Married at 31, and baby at 34. Worked for us.

I think you should go: cheap wedding, house, baby. You have time.

CPtart · 20/04/2017 20:15

Live together in partner's house for several years, buy joint house, fairly modest marriage, great honeymoon, kids.
Would never marry someone without living with them first. Wouldn't have kids without being married (as a woman). Have now been together 26 years, married for 16.
Wouldn't change a thing.

NotReallyMeToday · 20/04/2017 20:27

Having been thinking about it more, I think if I had my time again I'd do marriage first (not worry about a big wedding - you can have a quiet registry office do and a nice meal for a few hundred), then house, then kids.

I also would not waste money on a big wedding. In the long run, a wedding is nice, but it's just a day. Whereas the money you put into a house and save for your kids will give you long term, slow burn rewards and happiness.

tinyterrors · 20/04/2017 22:03

We did surprise baby at 19 while living with parents, engaged, rented a house, second baby, got married, family finished at 25. We couldn't afford a honeymoon but plan to take a holiday just us for an anniversary when the dcs are older.

We can't afford to buy now or in the foreseeable future. Ideally I'd have preferred to have our own home and planned to save for a deposit but dc1 put paid to that as we didn't want big age gaps.

On the plus side I'm not yet 30 and will start building a career once my youngest starts school and won't need a career break to have children. I'll be mid-late 40s when our youngest leaves home so hopefully we'll be able to buy our own house then.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/04/2017 22:04

The big honeymoon does seem something you want to do - it's unlikely you are going to be able to have that if you have DCs first.

kel1493 · 25/04/2017 21:46

I always said I'd want to meet someone, get together, buy a house together, then get married, then have children.
However I was at university 250 miles from home and I met someone. I was living in halls, then I had a flat lined up for my second year with a friend.
Anyway I met my now dh in April 2014 (after being dumped on my 21st by text by my ex). We got together in May 2014. In July 2014 we decided we wanted to ttc (very quick as we'd only been together 2 months, but we wanted it). I got pregnant in the November 2014. I decided to take a break from studies for a while. My so called friend decided to do a disappearing act one day, and up and left without a word to me, uni or the landlord- didn't even pay her rent. Haven't heard from her since, except one text to say she wasn't coming back and to not contact her again.
Anyway since I now technically lived alone, my oh moved in with me (with landlords permission).
We'd discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but never officially got engaged. So it wasn't like we o my got married because I was pregnant. We found out I was pregnant the day before I went home for Christmas holidays. I came back, and we got engaged in January 2015.
We both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, so we had a 3 month engagement (I didn't want to be showing in the pictures), and got married in April 2015 (the exact date we'd been together for 11 months).
We moved in with my dad, as he had space and very kindly offered. Our baby was born in September 2015.
We moved back to my uni city as we both want to live there instead of where I'm from (dh is from my uni city). We currently rent a house (from the same landlord, who very kindly said we could keep his number and get in touch when we wanted to come home.
We hope to be able to buy one day. But won't happen for a good while. Also we'd love a holiday as we've never had one, but again not for a while.
So in short, things didn't happen in the order I thought they would. But it worked out better in the end. I'm much happier that we are married with a baby, than upset we don't have our own place yet.

JanetBrown2015 · 07/05/2017 13:10

Marry first ( we had 20 guests at a church wedding on a week day) - you do NOT need to spend much at all to marry, even in church.
Then buy house together as marriage rights financially are very different from cohabitants. Take legal advice if you are not sure!
Then have a baby but take a very short maternity leave and go back full time so your finances are not affected. I married at 21, bought house at 22, baby at nearly 23, qualified as solicitor aged 23 too and was back at work full time in weeks afte the baby came. Worked out very well indeed.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 07/05/2017 13:18

Hmm if I had my time again I would travel travel travel and not be in such a rush to settle down. I wouldn't have even considered having children until I was at least 30

I didn't do that tho-, however I do think it's kinda suffocating to have your entire life mapped out for you at a young age

Goingtobeawesome · 07/05/2017 13:25

Register office wedding, house, kids. Is my advice. You sound like you want everything without the money to pay for it all now. Priorities.

We bought the house, well dh did, then we lived together and within a little over a year were married. We had everything we wanted for our wedding but weren't silly. It was five grand all in with honeymoon as well. Then a year later started trying for a baby.

starsinyourpies · 07/05/2017 13:48

I would say if you are planning kids pretty young don't forget that your friends may not have kids yet and will be living a very different life. I had children around the same time as some very good friends (early 30s) and it has been a total life saver to have them around and support each other. Can be honest in a way I couldn't with random people met at baby group/NCT.

roarityroar · 07/05/2017 14:16

House
Wedding
Kids

weegiemum · 07/05/2017 15:04

We had wedding first (didn't want to live together before we got married).

Then 2.5 years later - house

Then 2.5 years after that - first baby (quickly followed by 2 more in less than 4 years).

niangua · 07/05/2017 15:12

House. Weddings are pointless guff and kids need a house. Renting is insecure and you could be kicked out every 6 months by dickhead landlords.

After house, ask yourself if you really want to spunk thousands on a wedding or have a simpler registry office/meal out set up. Yeah. I hate wedding waste. If you're amazingly wealthy then whatever, have the ring flown in one doves and shit, but if you're not it's an astronomical waste of money.

Personally I wouldn't marry again. I'd also do the house alone.

So. House. Safe, security.

Wouldn't bother marrying.

Kids.

Chrisinthemorning · 07/05/2017 15:16

We did house first- well I owned my own house when I met DH and he moved in, then wedding, then joint house then child.
If time wasn't on your side I would say get on with kids as DS took 3 years but you are young enough not to worry about declining fertility just yet.

EwanWhosearmy · 07/05/2017 15:26

Cheap wedding for legal protection. Buy house to move into after wedding. Honeymoon, if it's that important. Baby.

Cineraria · 07/05/2017 15:41

We bought a house together (I had already bought one on my own but DH was renting), married relatively inexpensively three months later and I was pregnant three months after that. I was happy to buy a house with DH unmarried as I could see how things might work out ok for us if we separated but I wasn't happy to commit to having children together without us having made a more formal commitment leading to the greater protection marriage gives.

Having said all that, I was already old enough to have been your mother when we did all that, so declining fertility was our reason for doing things so quickly and we'd also had longer since we started working to build up savings so we could afford to do all three so quickly.

Heathen4Hire · 07/05/2017 15:46

Flat, marriage, baby 11 months later.

We got married on the cheap. What came after getting married bonded us together, not signing a piece of paper.

happypoobum · 07/05/2017 15:51

Marriage first as you plan to have children.

Have a quick look over the relationships board if you think it's a wise idea to have children with someone you are not married to unless you will continue to be totally financially independent.

Getting married doesn't have to cost the earth. Given that you want a nice honeymoon I would just elope and do it abroad.

Then house, then children. Good luck Flowers

carrotcakecupcake · 07/05/2017 16:10

We spent a year saving for our wedding which then proved to us that if we tried we could save for a house.
We wanted to enjoy our time as a married couple before having children. We've been married for 5.5 years and now have two DC - our last "big" foreign holiday was our honeymoon and I don't anticipate another for at least a good few years still!

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