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Original poster

House/kids/marriage - in what order?!

198 replies

Jaimejaime · 19/04/2017 21:48

Which should come first?! Confused

DP is 32 and I am 23. We are engaged and currently live in a rented property where we have been for 3 years. We have enough money saved for a deposit on a house and with our combined salaries can afford a nice family home. However, this will mean using every last penny of our savings up... meaning a wedding would have to be quite some way away. We are also keen to have a nice long honeymoon together.

In addition, we are keen to start a family relatively soon (I always hoped to have my first by 25 and be married first) which is also going to cost us not only in purchasing all the necessaries but we would like to have some money saved up to make up for my maternity leave etc.

There is no way we can afford to do all 3 at this moment in time so I'm wondering how you all did things and how it worked out for you?!

OP posts:
Littleraincloud · 20/04/2017 08:26

Lost my first unplanned baby at 21 and was devastated. Tiny wedding whilst renting together justabout 22. Dress from shopping centre. Pub lunch. Was good fun! Honeymoon one day in cute village. Bought house at 22. Had first baby at 23. Left work week. Bought next house at 24. Had second baby at 25. Gone back to work part time at 27. Eldest child in school, youngest baby sat by family. Life is good!

Rattysparklebum · 20/04/2017 08:37

My lovely son and nearly DIL are getting married in 2 weeks, their baby is due in July, they are buying their first home which should complete around end of June, squeezing three major life events into 3 months is fun but exhausting!

user1492458803 · 20/04/2017 08:40

Child, house, marriage. Although we did already own a tiny flat when I got pregnant, it was too small to live in after baby was born so we rented a house until buying one when DS was 6 months.

Child was meant to take years to conceive. He took weeks. No.2 took days!

NervousNellie29 · 20/04/2017 08:40

I think it's different for everyone. What's best for one couple wouldn't be what's best for another.
My DH and I had our DD, got married, had our DS, and still haven't gotten a house as he has had to move for work a few times so it really isn't the best time for us to buy.

Do what works for you and don't worry about what everyone else is doing Smile

HerBluebiro · 20/04/2017 08:41

My security was vital to me. So I bought a house after we had lived together for 1 year in student accommodation. It was 'ours' but my name only as we were young dp didn't earn much .... and I wasn't sure we'd last. Then we married nearly 5 years later (I was wrong on that point!).

Then bought a house together a year later. And first child finally arrived 3 years later - took 4 years of trying though.

So I guess technically we did marriage then bought a house together then started a family. But we had lived together before marriage which I felt was vital

skyzumarubble · 20/04/2017 08:46

We bought a flat, then wedding, then house, then kids.

You don't have to buy a family home first you could by a flat or smaller house and then release equity as you move up the ladder.

MaisyPops · 20/04/2017 08:49

Wedding and then house/children whenever they turn up in the next year or so.
We had a small wedding and wanted all the legal protection of marriage before housr/children.

StarlingMurderation · 20/04/2017 08:50

We did baby, house... still waiting for wedding! We met in our mid thirties though, so we needed to get going on the babies bit. We can't afford a big wedding now we have bought a house and have nursery fees to pay, so we're planning a very small affair, with a big party later.

If we'd got together when we were in our twenties, I think we'd have done house, marriage, babies.

MrsPringles · 20/04/2017 08:52

I did kids, house, marriage

Walked down the aisle with my dad and my 2yr old DS, was lovely Smile

roundaboutthetown · 20/04/2017 08:53

Simplest, laziest, most practical route is get engaged and rent together to see how living together works, then cheap marriage for the legalities - so all decisions on surnames for passports, house deeds, mortgage etc and for future children already discussed and made and sorted and everyone knows the basic legal situation with house and money if the marriage ever breaks down (it's so easy for people not to discuss these things properly if they just drift into buying together and assuming they are going to marry at some point and are not going to argue about the finer details, rather than just bloody well deciding one way or the other and getting on with it); then asap, house purchase; then free to decide at your leisure whether to spend money next on travelling, or saving for the "official" wedding where you spend the rest of your savings on a public ceremony and party, or children. If you want marriage, it isn't particularly logical to put it after the other life events.

60percentbanana · 20/04/2017 11:17

House, marriage, kids. We did the big wedding thing but if I had my time again I'd just have a cheap elvis drive through or a registry office job, just to be legal.

Cutesbabasmummy · 20/04/2017 11:44

We did marriage, house (ready for when we got married) and the baby after 6 years (would have liked him sooner but its was IVF).

NameUser · 20/04/2017 11:55

House, marriage, child ...just the way it happened....inherited money so used it to purchase house, 2 years later he proposed, 2 years after that got married then 5 years later our son came along we had been ttc since we moved in together...
DHs grandmother always tells us she was pleased we married before kids, .mwe were the only ones out of her 17 grandchildren to do it that way.....don't like to break it to her that it wasn't planned that way 😂

MrsKoala · 20/04/2017 11:57

flat/marriage/divorce/house/baby/marriage/baby/baby

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/04/2017 12:04

I got pregnant very early in our relationship (a few weeks). We bought a house but it took forever to complete so DS was born first then we moved in a few months later. Got married the following year in the registry office as we didn't have any money but really wanted to be married.

Whathaveilost · 20/04/2017 12:11

Ifeel that if I can have my family complete by the time I'm 30, whilst I'm still full of energy and able to run around, I'll be happy with that!
Eh? What happens after 30? Do you suddenly become too knacked or something?

Any way I had my own house, he moved in with me, after a few years we sold my house and got 'our' house' I got pregnant, it was a 'let's see if anything happens 'and Bing! I was pregnant on the first unprotected time.
Had baby and got married 3 months later. We had a bloody fantastic but inexpensive wedding.

xanadu412 · 20/04/2017 12:16

I owned my home, that my husband moved into. We had a small wedding (Town Hall + Pub reception) in London, as getting married was important, not an expensive wedding. And we'll start trying for kids over the next 2 years.

Don't think order really matter unless you're buying a house together without being married. Unless it's in both your names, it's a nightmare if you do separate. A close friend got engaged, bought a house together with her fiance, had the wedding all planned and came home one day to find his bags packed and him saying it wasn't what he wanted. 11 years together.. She had to carry on living with him for 6 months after that as they argued over what to do with the flat - she wanted to sell, he wanted to buy her out etc etc. He started seeing someone else in the meantime, that my friend had to be privy too. Awful. Finally, her parents had to help her buy him out so she could keep her home.

Any kind of financial tie is dangerous if you're not protected. Divorce can be messy, but not having any financial protection at all would keep me up all night! Also, if you decide to be a SAHM once having kids and aren't married, have some kind of protection in place. You can always pay the few 100 quid at a registry office to be legally married and have a bigger reception later on, when you have the money.

Lovewatchingrainfall · 20/04/2017 12:20

We got married and have two amazing children but live in rented. The thought of owning a house has never appealed to us. We are happy to rent and will continue to rent and save money for amazing holidays and savings for the children to use the money as they see fit when older

scottishdiem · 20/04/2017 12:22

Depends on your income and desired expenses and ability to save.

Getting married is relatively cheap. A wedding is an open ended money pit. So depends on what kind of wedding you want.

Houses, for the most part, are always increasing in price so you may want to do that first to at least get on the ladder together.

Kids will, basically, prevent you from saving enough for the previous two.

I'd go expensive house, cheap wedding and no kids but since that is not the option affordable house, cheap wedding and then kids if you want things out the way by 30.

Tobebythesea · 20/04/2017 12:23

My then BF now DH owned a flat already so moved in with him, big wedding and great honeymoon. Got back to find I was pregnant with honeymoon baby so we sold the flat and bought a house. Moved in when I was 7 months pregnant. It was a bit of a stressful year!

It depends what is important to you. For me, DH and our families it was marriage. If I could do it again though I wouldn't have spent so much on the wedding. It's one day. I don't regret the honeymoon but that could have been done later. Depending on where you live, house prices will probably only go up. 25 is young and you have time on your side for babies. Whatever you decide, good luck Smile

motherofdaemons · 20/04/2017 12:25

If you're in a position to buy a house now then do so. Housing is so so important, much more so than a wedding. I'd get married on the cheap, spent 5k on ours but could have done it way way cheaper. I think you'd be mad to spent your deposit for a home on a wedding but different strokes for different folks I guess.

I actually had the children first, then got the house, then the wedding! Now working on the career. But wouldn't recommend it that way round TBH.

Salzundessig · 20/04/2017 12:30

We did get pregnant, quickly get married, baby, another baby. Haven't bought a house yet but we live abroad where it isn't really the done thing. Don't plan on buying until we are done having children so I don't get pressured back into work to pay the mortgage. Works for us but appreciate the rental market here is much better than in the UK.

Enidblyton1 · 20/04/2017 12:30

House (doesn't have to be owned), marriage, then kids would be the sensible order.
But plenty of people do it in a different order and get along just fine. At 23 I would make the most of being child free and enjoy spending time with your DP and perhaps doing a bit of travelling before settling down. I regret not making more of my child free time.
Good luck!

mygorgeousmilo · 20/04/2017 12:39

Registry office, house, children. I've never for one moment regretted just nipping to the registry office with a few witnesses. I understand why people have lovely weddings, and I've been a guest at some really gorgeous and memorable ones, but I'd rather have not had the stress and financial strain of having one. We now have a nice big home and have lots of fabulous get togethers with out friends, as we can accommodate lots of people, which is good enough for me. When you're thinking of changing the order and structure of what you intend to do regarding home purchase and having children, just for the sake of one big day - that to me makes no sense. If you can afford to do all three whenever and however, then do it as and when you like. But if getting married would set you back in other areas because of the expense involved, then it doesn't seem to be worth it.

loaferloveforyou · 20/04/2017 12:49

I always wanted to be married before having children. I also thought if I'm going to save for anything, a house would be more useful to me and DP than a wedding.

So saved for a house, then once moved in, used spare money to save for a wedding, then once the wedding is out the way with no "big" events to save for we may possibly have a child or 2 or move to a bigger house and have lots of holidays

Just work out what is more important to you both. I was adamant I wanted children before 25 and married before 30 but it never happened (luckily because BF at the time was a bit a lot of a dick)

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