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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm stressing over DD's problem

65 replies

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 16:47

DD16 was invited to attend her friend's TY ball months ago. It's on the first weekend in May. She's away until Sunday evening and is working the following weekend.

She hasn't organised a dress, or shoes or anything. She also announced that she thinks the gang of friends is meeting in our house before they go to the ball, but she isn't sure and she doesn't know if that means we have to have a party here before they go.

I'm ready to kill her because:
I'm stressed that she's not organised
I'm stressed that she's going to get stressed (she's starting to)
I'm stressed because I don't know if, or how many people are coming to our house
I'm stressed because I don't know if we have to have a party here and if I provide food or if it's a case of BYO.

Can someone talk me out of this because I know I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

SlB09 · 19/04/2017 16:53

Yes your getting carried away with yourself!
If theres no food etc then tough thats her fault. Shes 16, she needs to learn for herself and cant do that if you do all the worrying for her.

Shortdarkandfeisty · 19/04/2017 16:54

Take her shopping for an outfit
Ask her how many, for how long etc and whether you need to consider food

Shortdarkandfeisty · 19/04/2017 16:55

And find out when party starts, how they're getting there and back etc

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 16:55

You're right SIB. Have you any suggestions on how I can calm down because this is the type of thing I always stress about.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 19/04/2017 16:59

Eh? Just because she may have arranged for her friends to meet up at your house in no way obligates you to throw a party for them. Maybe get in a few bottles of soft drinks, if you're feeling kind.

BloodWorries · 19/04/2017 16:59

I have no idea what a TY ball is, but if it's her friends ball then why is she hosting a party before hand?

Personally I'd just say no... she hasn't organised it so clearly she hasn't properly asked you. It's not fair to expect you to try sort out her social life when she is 16. She should be saying can I host x, with x number of friends, on this date at this time, if so will you please do y for me (assuming she needs you to buy or do something).

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 17:00

Feisty, I've offered to take her but she hasn't wanted to go until now and now she's starting to stress as time's running out and she works. I suggested she look online so that's a start.

I've asked about the party but the gng don't seem to be able to make a decision but I think I'll give her a deadline and if they can't decide by then I'll tell her they can't come here first.

The ball is in our local sports hall so getting there and home is no problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 17:04

She's in Transition Year, which is 4th year in secondary school, it's the year after they do their first state exams (somewhat equivalent to GCSE).

After TY they do two years for Leaving Cert (an expanded A Levels).

Apparently they get together beforehand for photos and nibbles and their families come too. It's not a huge party more of a get together for an hour or two.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 19/04/2017 17:04

Could you offer to go shopping with her this weekend for the shoes and dress? If she is starting to get stressed herself, I would imagine she would jump at the chance.

If she is anything like the teens I know, no decision will be made about what they are doing before the ball until the very lsat minute. If she tells you that they are indeed coming to your house, make it clear to her that they are to bring their own drink and that you won't provide any (if that is the case). Maybe buy some crisps/dips as a contribution. Wont they be eating at the ball anyway?

(And what is a TY Ball?!)

Lelloteddy · 19/04/2017 17:04

Give her a deadline for shopping if she expects you to help or fund her outfit. If she refuses to go shopping by x day, tough shit. She sorts it herself.
No party required if she can't be arsed to make arrangements.

Why on earth do people feel the need to spoon feed 16 year olds? If she's that bothered she can sort it herself and if she doesn't, make sure you have plans of your own in the lead up to the date and will be too busy to help her.

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 17:07

She's out of the country until Sunday evening and she's working the following weekend.

In fairness to her she's usually really well organised in plenty of time, but I think this one seemed so far away and now all of a sudden it's crept up on her.

It's basically a dinner dance without alcohol (I hope)

OP posts:

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 17:09

They're thinking of meeting here because we've quite a big garden with fruit tree in flower so they think the photos will look nice.

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:20

If she wants the pre at your house she has to tell you by Sunday night at 9pm or no pre at yours.

The rest of it is her problem.

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:26

Just because she may have arranged for her friends to meet up at your house in no way obligates you to throw a party for them.

Quite. They're meeting there (if they are) before going somewhere else. You don't need a party everywhere you meet; no-one has to have a party anywhere.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:27

A pre is kind of drinks and nibbles. Wee sarnies, sausage rolls, glass of fizz. Parents and kids for photos before they go to the ball.

Has she booked her hair/make up/fake tan yet?

fabulousathome · 19/04/2017 17:28

I'd buy some food and drink that, if it is not used, you would be happy to use it in the future.

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2017 17:30

Are you in Ireland? Chill!

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:31

If she's invited them I'm sure she can get them food if they're expecting it. They're just turning up for a short time to take a few photographs.

If I invited a load of friends round without asking my parents they'd tell me I'd better let them know they'd need to find an alternative venue swiftly.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/04/2017 17:32

Mikey, I feel your pain.
You do not need to throw a party.
So you have a lovely garden, with trees in bloom ! Let them take photographs if they wish, but it could be pouring with rain.
I would offer drinks and nice nibbles only, no stress then.
Don't worry about your daughter, she has to learn to manage her time.
I'm sure she'll find something to wear.
If you do it this way, they'll eat, drink, be merry, and move on happily, before you know it. 🌸

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:34

Sorry but those of you thinking it's just turning up to take photos, can I just ask, how many of you have teenaged daughters who have gone to balls/proms?

It's a big deal. It's hair and make up and tan (DD went and got her tan done, her friend did her make up and my friend came and did up do for her hair). Ball gown to the floor is standard with heels. Boys in dicky bows.

Pre is pre-ball and it's definitely wee small nibbles, glasses of fizz, parents dressed and photos of kids and parents and groups of friends. V civilised. They go to the ball from that.

Post is post-ball and it's a raucous party afterwards at which there will be drink (if they are 16/17/18) and they will be collected from at around 4am/5am.

Or at least, that's what it is here.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 19/04/2017 17:35

Just tell her no, you'd rather not 'host' the get together, and another parent will have to.

You clearly find this sort of thing stressful, so minimise the stress for yourself.

The dress, when she's back (not as soon as she walks through the door!), ask if she'd like your help to get it, if not, leave her to it. Try not to worry, it's not a big deal, do you have department stores near where you live? Surely she can just pop in one evening and try on a few dresses and buy one in an hour if she doesn't want to make it a mission. At 16, she will look gorgeous in anything because youth is the best accessory. It isn't anywhere near as hard as finding a ball outfit a few decades later !

I know it's easy to say "try not to worry" but you do need to limit your ablity to get stressed, and avoid stressing her out about stuff that really doesn't matter. (If you are stressed, she will be).

Just say no to the party. That's ok to do. Then that's one area of stress got rid of right away.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:36

I'm only saying all this because I got massively caught out the first time and thought it was all a lot more casual than it actually was.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:38

By the way. If she or her friends have older sisters, get them to do a dress swap evening and try on lots of other people's sisters' dresses because they're only worn once and I am sure that her mates older siblings have outfits hanging in wardrobes that could be recycled.

(DD and her mates did that one year - worked really well)

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:40

For my leavers' ball next year I'll wash my hair and that'll more than suffice as preparation. I've never worn fake tan and do minimal make up. I imagine it'll be expected to spend hours on end planning an outfit, but I'll pass. I never wear high heels so that's a guaranteed no. I'll wear something I like.

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