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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm stressing over DD's problem

65 replies

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 16:47

DD16 was invited to attend her friend's TY ball months ago. It's on the first weekend in May. She's away until Sunday evening and is working the following weekend.

She hasn't organised a dress, or shoes or anything. She also announced that she thinks the gang of friends is meeting in our house before they go to the ball, but she isn't sure and she doesn't know if that means we have to have a party here before they go.

I'm ready to kill her because:
I'm stressed that she's not organised
I'm stressed that she's going to get stressed (she's starting to)
I'm stressed because I don't know if, or how many people are coming to our house
I'm stressed because I don't know if we have to have a party here and if I provide food or if it's a case of BYO.

Can someone talk me out of this because I know I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 19/04/2017 17:42

I have a teenage daughter who went to her senior prom and didn't give a shit about it! No frock, no fake tan, no limousine no ridiculous excess. It's a school party ffs. Do people seriously have their photos taken with their kids because of the monumentous occasion of a school disco? God that's lame. Op just say no if you don't want to do it.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:44

That's great IAmAmy but not all balls are like that and the OP's DD is clearly doing a pre - so she would be well advised to find out what kind of thing the rest are doing if she wants to go the ballgown route. If she wants to go in a tux and DMs then good luck to her I'm only saying because I and DD got caught out at the first ball she went to and she was mortified. And we (she) learnt from it for the next - she wanted to fit in and be similar to her group. I know some people don't want to, but my DD wanted to fit in and all I am suggesting is that the OP checks

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:45

None of mine have ever had a limo, I took them.

Yes there are photos - it's like an end of school thing so it's a photo with parents at the last school event. I think it's nice to have.

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:45

I have a teenage daughter who went to her senior prom and didn't give a shit about it! No frock, no fake tan, no limousine no ridiculous excess.

I'm glad this isn't unique to a handful of my friends and I. I'll turn up because it's the last event the whole year will be at and I like to be social (most of the time) but no chance will I be going to all this effort which seems to be expected.

As for buying a dress which would only be worn once, that seems rather a waste of money. I have plenty of clothes I like I can wear.

WomblingThree · 19/04/2017 17:46

It's not her ball, it's her friend's right? I can't imagine you would be expected to put on a pre for someone else's kid. Surely her mother (or one of the other mothers of the girls whose actual ball it is) would do that.

If my kid was invited to someone else's prom, I wouldn't expect to have to do anything for it, not even organise her dress. It was different for her own prom, but not someone else's.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:46

My kids wasn't a school disco. It was a proper ball, dinner dance, with awards given out, speeches from the teachers and from the head boy and girl and a sit down dinner and dancing afterwards at a hotel, not a school disco in the school hall.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:48

IAmAmy as I said, DD and her friends organised a dress swap one year so it wasn't even as if she had to buy a dress. None of my kids ever had a limo.

Yes, DD did go and get tan done but a million years ago when the world was young I hired a sunbed for a month (or at least, my mum did) before my school leaver's ball and it was only in the school hall.

DD didn't pay for make up or for hair plenty of her friends did though.

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:48

usernumbernine I agree that if the OP's daughter wants to go down that route she should make sure she's planned for it and what she wants to wear along with the preparation she needs. I just don't think it's guaranteed nor something all teenage girls obsess over which seems to be expected as a given.

I understand your daughter wanted to fit in and think it's a shame she felt left out at the previous event. I suppose it's easier for me to say as I know I have friends who think the same as me and don't buy into all this "buy a ball gown, do your hair and make up, must wear heels" business - perhaps if it was just me I'd feel differently (though I'd still not want to do those things).

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:53

Well someone is doing a pre then. There is an expectation that there will be a pre - which is why I said she has to tell the OP by Sunday at 9 if the pre is at her house or not.

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 17:56

They evidently have plans to do something before hand. However if I wanted to host something like this with a load of friends around I'd certainly have to ask my parents first. If I just told them it was happening, it'd be being cancelled.

Far be it for me to dictate, but she should ask the OP if she may have it at her house or not first. It's unfair to spring this upon the OP and expect her to make provisions. She shouldn't have to stress over this - it's just an event her daughter is attending.

Shortdarkandfeisty · 19/04/2017 17:57

I agree with usernumber, it is a big deal, she will need help. I bet people saying "leave 16 year olds to it" haven't had 16 yos

IAmAmy · 19/04/2017 18:01

There is a 15 year old girl in Cornwall who runs her own charity providing sanitary products to homeless women in her county, aiming to fund raise to be able to do it all year round, whilst also managing her own schoolwork and commitments. I'm sure the OP's daughter can manage to decide what to wear to a ball.

Also I've just seen the ball is her friend's rather than hers - does this mean she's just going along as her friend invited her? If so, is it not quite a presumption on the part of her friend/s to invite themselves to have the photographs taken beforehand in your back garden because it looks nice?

Starlighter · 19/04/2017 18:03

Order a load of stuff online, she can try it all on when she gets home.

Teens can be indecisive, there is still loads of time. Have some snacks and drinks in the cupboard just in case but I wouldn't go overboard! Doubt many will be eating much before the ball anyway.

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 18:18

The DD has asked and the OP hasn't said no.

The DD has done what teens do and been vague. The OP needs to get her to firm up the plans.

I've done pre and I've done post. I'd rather do pre any day of the week.

theymademejoin · 19/04/2017 18:20

Usernumbernine - none of the TY balls around my neck of the woods are like that. They're more dressy than discos certainly but more similar to what you might wear to the races or a wedding. Boys generally wear a suit. Girls wear a fairly dressy dress.

Some of the debs or grads involve ballgowns but not TY. The only school involvement is at the TY graduation but that is usually held in the school and often includes a mass along with the awards and speeches.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 18:24

So the OP needs to get her daughter to clue herself up on the "culture" for want of a better phrase of the ball she is going to.

Which I think I already said?

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 18:29

FrancisCrawford I don't know what I've done to deserve you hectoring me like this but it's bloody rude.

Good luck OP I hope you get it sorted. And I hope your DD has a fantastic ball.

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 18:43

I never ever said the OP had to have the pre if she didn't want to. I am not bullying her into anything at all. I have said, repeatedly, that she needs to talk to her DD.

You have really gone after me here for no good reason and I find it rude and bullying of you to be honest.

ilovechoc1987 · 19/04/2017 18:43

Just say no. Say you'll help her get an outfit together, but you won't have a party as it's too late notice. Say you're happy if they want to gather but it's down to her to entertain them, or just out refuse to have them round.
She's a teenager and it's your house and rules, don't let her dictate to you.

Original poster

mikeyssister · 19/04/2017 18:47

Usernumbernine, I think that's it's exactly what it's like from what she's not saying. I love hosting parties, just like a little bit of warning. She wouldn't invite them without warning , it's just we have a different idea of how much advance notice is appropriate.

Unfortunately none of them have older sisters so dress swop isn't possible.

Book the hair, false tan and make up - she thinks she has loads of time, so no it's not booked. She's forgotten she lives in a small town and all the kids her age in the town are going to the ball.

I think I'll bring her to a shopping centre one of the evenings next week and leave her there.

I think the idea of getting a few things that will be used, even if not on that night, is a great idea. It'll stop me stressing over stupid things.

Yes, it's Ireland Molly, sure where else do they have a ball to celebrate the end of a year where they've done no work

OP posts:

LittleCandle · 19/04/2017 18:51

I'm with Francis on this. No way would I have let my teen 'announce' that she was having a party at my house. She might ask if she could, which is an entirely different thing. OP's DD has not asked and it seems fairly clearly that she has no real clue what is going on, so the answer should be a short and clear 'no'. If she can't get herself organised to get a dress for this ball, there is no way she will be able to organise a party even assuming she could pay for the food and drink. Why should the OP be trampled on like this?

Stay strong, OP, and say no!

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