I'm stressing over DD's problem

[mikeyssister]

DD16 was invited to attend her friend's TY ball months ago. It's on the first weekend in May. She's away until Sunday evening and is working the following weekend.

She hasn't organised a dress, or shoes or anything. She also announced that she thinks the gang of friends is meeting in our house before they go to the ball, but she isn't sure and she doesn't know if that means we have to have a party here before they go.

I'm ready to kill her because:
I'm stressed that she's not organised
I'm stressed that she's going to get stressed (she's starting to)
I'm stressed because I don't know if, or how many people are coming to our house
I'm stressed because I don't know if we have to have a party here and if I provide food or if it's a case of BYO.

Can someone talk me out of this because I know I'm being unreasonable.

With my DD's ball at the end of year 13, I agreed that eight of them could come to my house beforehand. I offered to provide champagne,soft drinks and canapés. DD said crisps would suffice as she didn't want to be held responsible for anyone spilling anything on their dress!

Sorry, went off for a while and answered the first page without realising there was a second.

I think nine has it pretty well summed up, that DD needs to get more clarity and come back to me then. She's only 16 and is still at the stage of worrying about wearing and doing the "right thing"

I asked DD if there would be a pre party and told her they were more than welcome to have it here, but that was months ago. She will absolutely ask for permission beforehand, once they decide where they want to go. And if I say "no" she will accept it without argument. I just think if they're here I know they're not drinking at the pre even if they have alcohol in their bags.

She will pay for everything herself, except for the pre, which I will organise.

I like to make sure the house is spotless before a party (childhood issues) which is why I like advance notice.

I thought that might be the case

Just tell her to firm up on the pre by Sunday night or something so you know what's happening. And find out where it is and what time it's at if you want to go and get a photo with her/her date yourself (again, got caught out with that the first time round)

As to her hair and make up and stuff - she can get her fake tan done a couple of days before and her make up and hair a friend/your normal hairdresser?

If it's going to stress you out to do the pre-party, then it's ok to tell her you'd rather not host it. Perhaps have a think about what you can cope with, rather than getting wound up trying to do it all.

Alternatively if you don't want to say no, i'd work on the principle you are doing the pre-party and get on with it. Can you do an online order for the snacks and drinks, aimed to be delivered the day before, which you can cancel closer to the date if it isn't happening? Might make you more relaxed if you feel you are 'sorted' to host and just need to cancel the plans at short notice, rather than have to make plans at short notice.

I didn't intend the drip feed about the pre, and it may not even happen here. That's my problem really, I have massive issues about not knowing. I like definitive answers.

I like these conversations:
Will there be a pre - yes - no problem
Are you having a party here? - yes - no problem
How many are coming? - 10 friends and their parents - no problem

Not these
Will there be a pre - I don't know, but I think so
Do you want to have it here - I don't know
How many will be at it - I don't know = STRESS

I think it all goes back to my childhood.

mickeys I'm the same and my DD sounds exactly the same as yours - she's all casual and easy osey and I need to know what's happening.

I feel your pain.

I love the idea of an online order - thank you, thank you, thank you - that's so helpful

Advice on how not to stress about these things?! I do honestly think alot of it is personality and how you were brought up - my parents would have basically had a 'tough shit' attitude at that age (in the nicest sense!) and actually that meant I had to take responsibility as much as was suitable for that age, it also showed me that its OK not to stress about things that you arnt responsible for and you cant control everything. I adore my parents and it wasnt in a horrible way, just in the ok, your 16 now, working etc your old enough to think about this yourself and take the consequences if its not sorted. Try and break the cycle with smaller things at first and youll reassure yourself that things will be ok if you dont worry for her x

That's an idea Francis and so bloody obvious I can't believe I missed it.

I'll sit down with her on Sunday evening and give her a deadline to find out if there's a pre and where it is. We can plan the menu and drinks and a cleaning schedule.

And then if the pre is somewhere else I might still have a clean house .

I can actually feel the knot in my stomach starting to relax now I feel in control.

That's SIB, I seriously overthink everything. I think this is a good one to start with.

I'll sit with her on Friday and help HER plan. And then let the chips fall where they may.

I was getting so worked up about her lack of organisation and knowledge I forgot it's not actually my problem. All I have to do is tell her the rules about the pre and then leave her to it.

Friday ?? No idea where that came from. It'll be Sunday.

Garden actually looks really well at the moment because we had a Confirmation party here a couple of weeks ago. But getting a few of them to mow and generally tidy is a great idea.

I think setting a time for the photos is a good idea too, well in theory. Unfortunately this is Ireland and time is very, very fluid. So arriving at 8 for 7 o'clock photos would not be unusual.

DD has a dress
Pre-party is in a friends house - I didn't argue
I reminded her that SHE needs to book hairdresser and false tan (if she's doing it)
All she needs is shoes - I've said I'll drop her to shops on Sunday.

And I've found something much more serious to stress about