First Grandchild problems

[Lauraw1989]

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and right now I feel like I have made the worst decision of my life.

I have always wanted kids and I'm over the moon now I'm pregnant ... My bossy MIL is ruining what should be the happiest time of life. Constantly firing names at me, buying boys/girls clothes (even though we are not finding out the sex) and generally taking over and saying she will be upset if we don't do this and that. She never ever asks me how I'm feeling or coping with pregnancy. I understand she is excited but so are my parents and they don't do this and they always ask how I am.

I went out yesterday with the DP and his family for an easter meal which then turned into drinking in a pub from 2-11 (this is what they do). Everyone got extremely drunk including DP. I ended up sitting in a toilet cubical crying because of my MIL driving me insane.

I feel like I can't talk to DP about this anyway because last time it ended in arguments.

If this is my life before the baby is even here how bad will it be once the baby arrives? I feel like she is taking over.

Or you could get her to buy more neutral clothes by saying 'Oh what a lovely frilly pink dress... wouldn't it look cute on a boy'.....

I know the thought of leaving a relationship and going it alone when your pregnant is bloody terrifying,I did it myself and I was pregnant with my 4th DC(my second DC with him),but if I hadn't I would have been staying with a man that was acting like yours and his Mother my MIl was the same and we were engaged to be married.

Please seriously think about what you need and what your DC will need and if you'll get this from this relationship and family.

Me walking away was honestly the only thing I could do and it was the best decision I ever made!

4 years later I went onto meet a great man who became one of my best friends,we're married now and went onto have our 5th DC and we've been together for 11 years.

But if you want the relationship to work and you think it can then try and talk to him,if he hasn't been or won't listen then think about talking to someone at Relate,you don't have to go as a couple and they can really help people get straight in they're own mind what they want and what they need and they can usually be a sounding board for you to get your thoughts and feelings out before you speak to your partner.

Good Luck and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Oh god, my in laws are similar with the seemingly endless pub visits, they aren't annoying themselves I just really don't want to sit in a pub for hours and hours (or anywhere really that isn't my sofa at home) with a tiny breastfed baby or while pregnant. It's boring and inconvenient and I am no longer putting up with it, I'm a natural people pleaser so find it very hard to say no.

It actually improved on DDs arrival as I could force DP to leave with me (pub in middle of nowhere and I don't drive) by pointing out she needed a nap/was getting grouchy and pretending that she wouldn't nap while we were there. She would have napped but it would have been a huge effort on my part and I couldn't sit with them, I would have to walk around outside with her in the pram or sling and I'm not doing that for someone else's benefit. Keeping the 'oh baby will only nap at home in her cot' up your sleeve may be useful in the future if you have pushy relatives and want to leave.

I really don't want to break up with my DP I love him soooo much and I don't want to bring a baby into the world with separated parents.

Sounds bad that you feel you can't talk about this with DP, your MIL either could be exited or could be a total nightmare difficult to tell from your OP, you need to talk about this calmly with your DP he really needs to be the one to lay out some ground rules with his DM.
Have you and DP been together for long and does he drink a lot at other times rather than just when he is with his family? Just because this is what they do doesn't mean that your DP has to keep doing it as well.
If he does drink a lot you need to have a serious talk with him before the baby comes along it's hard coping with a new born never mind dealing with a DP who is either drinking or hung-over.
If he's only drinking with his family then try and restrict the amount of drinking time with them, agree a leaving time in advance with your DP book a taxi for that time and then when it comes you leave even if your DP won't leave with you. Or if it's just an occasional thing then just let him go himself and stay home and relax.

Can 't you just see less of them and why couldn't you go home early yesterday? I would have done. Jus tkeep away from them - perhaps see them once a month and only communicate with them by email.

Then you need to be able to try and talk to one another without it turning into an argument,not easy alot of the time I know.

If you don't mind saying,do you know why the last conversation ended in an argument,I completely understand if you don't want to say,it's just in the past I've found someone outside of the problems and the arguements can see where it all started going wrong and what could have been done to steer the conversation in a different direction.

I've always been the peace keeper in my very large family and a few years ago me and my DH were arguing alot(loads of stress going on none of it caused by us)and since then we've both learnt different ways of bringing things up with each other and talking.

It took a while but it does work for us, well at least for about 7 out of every 10 times

I think that sitting in a pub all day drinking is really boring anyway but it is even worse if you are pregnant and can't drink anything at all.

In future, avoid seeing your in-laws in the pub. I hope your DP stops drinking so much once the baby is here. All day drinking sessions followed by hangovers are not a good idea when you have children.

Have a look at the Alanon website OP. Not AA - but Alanon.

Why didn't you arrange to go home after the lunch? No reason to stay at the pub all evening if you didn't want to. Your MIL will take over with the baby if you let her - don't!

Why didn't you just go home?

It's awful being in this position, especially when it's your first pregnancy and your partner isn't understanding of what's actually going on. I've been there hun, my DS was the first grandchild for my in laws. I had sil buying bottle and steriliser sets when I was 5 weeks (literally) and then telling my DH what bouncer and play mat she had seen and wanted to buy. I had no chance to look for these things myself and I was getting really really upset, crying and felt so smothered. At 10 weeks, before our first scan, my in laws rocked up to the pub to meet us and my parents with a bag of baby clothes they'd just been and bought and then told us how they had picked out a baby play mat, but put it back last minute because they weren't sure on the design. My dad was really stunned by it and couldn't catch his breath. It was extremely overwhelming and I felt pressured into buying things in case they bought them first. My DH, like yours, didn't see much wrong with it at first and put it down go excitement. So I had to take matters into my own hands, I sent a text to them explaining how they were being too over the top and that I would like to buy these bigger things, or if not buy at least look around at what there is, when the time is right and that before the 12 week scan is not the right time! It caused tears and upset but they did back off.

I'm a way off from becoming a grandparent yet, but I am certain I'll never overstep these marks. Yes the situation is exciting for everyone, but you aren't just the oven that carries the bun for THEM to go out bad dress up or decide what is best for 'their baby', you are the mum growing this baby, the most important thing in your baby's life, and this experience is more magical for you than anyone. You should be allowed to enjoy it.

IMO they don't have a regard for your feelings, they are overbearing and are acting like this baby is their own. You need to put a stop to it all as soon as you can, with or without your partner on board.

One thing to bear in mind is that while you might be able to stop this part of it, when the babys here they'll probably be extremely over the top again. My in laws has a nursery made in their house for DS within 6 weeks of his birth. He's never slept the night in it but they bang on about the room all the time. They are still to this day extremely over the top, in various ways. The best thing you can do is limit the amount of time you spend with them, if they become unbearable that is. As another poster has said, pick your battles, some things you HAVE to let go over your head or your life will be a misery.

I know I do regret just not going home when I felt like it. I did say to DP before going out I don't want to stay out too late he did say what do you think I'am a twat who makes his pregnant gf stay out late. That's why we are going out early.

Today he said he totally lost track of time and what he had to drink.

Ontheholidays this is what happened before ...

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2859171-feel-like-the-mil-is-taking-over-at-10-weeks

I think you need to tackle one thing at at time, otherwise it'll come across as if you're just hormonal, short etc. Despite the weekend pub thing, obviously the main issue here is your in laws and how they're acting with your pregnancy, right?. So I'd aim to sort that first before you then go on about anything to do with the weekend, or other pub drinking with his family to your DP.

he did say what do you think I'am a twat who makes his pregnant gf stay out late.

Well yes, he is a twat. He sat with you not drinking for 9 hours?

Is he a big drinker? Do you want your child's memories of daddy to be one of being at the pub and then puking up the next day?

Either change your situation now, or you WILL be posting on here in a years time complaining that your DP and MIL are bullying and controlling you, you're miserable, you do all the child care blah blah blah - usual par for the course mumsnet stuff.

Make a CHOICE now about how you want to live your life.

You loving him "sooooooo" much isn't cutesy when you're being treated like crap - you're not even half way through your pregnancy and you've already got multiple complaints going on - for your and your childs sake learn to stand up for yourself NOW.

You do not have a MIL problem you have a dp problem , you need to sort it out with him , if he won't change / do something about his mother then you have a decision to make - do not allow these people to make your life miserable .

When he's not with them he is the greatest man in the whole wide world.

I can't believe neither his mum or dad told him to take me home or he should be more responsible.

Over 50s drinking from half 2 until 11:30 and then taking a bottle of wine home to drink is normal behaviour?

Move, move far far away!

Unless he is 14 he shouldn't need his parents to tell him to take you home , grow up . People who drink to excess , drink to excess age is not a factor , I had an alcoholic grandmother who disappeared from hospital aged 80 to go to the pub ! No offence but look at his parents , that is how he has been bought up , that is his normal if he isn't going to change then you need to get out sooner rather than later .

I can't believe neither his mum or dad told him to take me home or he should be more responsible.

You didn't ask to go home. He didn't think to take you home and if you don't want him to be a mummy's boy it wasn't their job to tell him to take you home.

Over 50s drinking from half 2 until 11:30 and then taking a bottle of wine home to drink is normal behaviour?*

What the hell has their age got to do with it? It's pretty poor at any age

BTW how old are the two of you?