Feel like the MIL is taking over at 10 weeks(87 Posts)
I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have only told both sets of parents and my DP's brother so far ...
My MIL is a nightmare! She keeps talking about stuff I don't want to talk about until after the scan. I told her about 10 times the previous night and my DP's dad also told her off as well.
Last night she said to me "I've started looking at prams I would like to buy and can I choose?". I just lost it and said can you please stop it and so did DP's dad. Her reply was it's just your hormones ARGHHH! Surely she should be letting me look at stuff for MY baby first?
I understand she is excited but I feel like she is taking over. This is her at 10 weeks I dread to think what she is going to be like the next 6 months.
I was crying all the way home. My DP understands why I'm annoyed and he said he will have a word with her but can't guarantee she will listen.
Try to spend less time with her over the next few months.
And make a point of not entering into conversations with her about anything you don't want to.
Have your responses ready 'ummm, I haven't really thought about that yet, I'll let you know' and 'DH will have to decide together, I'll let you know' etc.
Be very firm with her now, because you are laying the foundation for how she will be in years to come with the GC.
But, also remember that grandparents are a wonderful blessing in your DC lives, so try not get too annoyed and don't alienate her too much.
Then you can't guarantee you are going to want to be around her.
One way of guaranteeing that she will listen is to make sure she knows that contact will be severely lowered if she doesn't.
Sounds like your DH needs to have a word along the lines of 'I understand you are excited at becoming a grandma but we are excited at becoming parents and as it's our first child, we want to choose what we want. If you want to pay, that's nice but we are using the pram so it needs to work for us.'
Can you see her a little less - just let your husband go to visit so she is not winding you up? She needs to see that you are the parents, she has been a parent in the past but this is not her child so she doesn't get to have as much influence as the parents. Once the baby comes, you may be grateful for her interest - an extra pair of hands to give you a break.
Be absolutely clear this is YOUR baby and YOUR body. I had some relatives grabbing my bump anytime I was near and I had to say 'sorry, I'm really uncomfortable, please dont' - they look at you like you're a killjoy but a pregnant lady is not public property. Every time this conversation happens 'oh we'll be buying all the main item' / 'we haven't looked at that yet, we'll look in a few weeks' and start laying groundwork for after the birth 'oh I can't wait to have a week or two just the three of us' etc
The problem is we are going away for her birthday this weekend so I can't avoid her. I feel bad for my DP he said he was looking forward to it but now he don't want to go because he's worried we will have a big argument .
I told him I will only explode if she don't listen to what I'm asking from her.
If it's her birthday can't you cut her some slack? She's allowed to be excited, it is a big thing, would you rather they didnt care?
She might be talking about the pram she will buy for when DC is with her. Which is her choice, let her share in this moment.
I'd do some ground work now. Try and set some boundaries and clear the air before you go away.
Okay, well don't talk about 'exploding' as that is only going to escalate this. You need to tell your DP that he either deals with this problem or you will clearly tell his mum (but calmly) that you feel that she is being overbearing as regards the pregnancy, and then you will step back from seeing her as regularly. So it is in his interests to sort this out before the trip away.
Why are people so intolerant? Of course you want to know all is well.but it would be pretty mean not to recognise future granny's excitement for what it is - joy, generosity, delight. She might need reigning in a bit but far better to get a bit irritated than destroy relationships that could be really useful.
I agree with another poster. Kindly placed Firmness now will pay dividends. Once baby comes it will be x20 worse so lay the ground rules now. It's good that her dp is on your side. Is your dh df around or has she remarried.
Sorry I see from your post he is around. For a moment I thought she was a widow.
Crumbs1: I would be intolerant of this. I am fine with excitement and delight - of course it's wonderful that she wants to be a grandparent so much. But no-one in their right mind thinks a first-time mum and dad want to let someone else choose their pram! And no-one who isn't being hideously insensitive doesn't realise that no-one goes pram shopping before their 12 week scan. She needs to let the OP and her son get used to the idea of being parents and enjoy it for themselves before diving in head first.
Don't talk about exploding as you're meeting her annoying habit with negativity and it's not a nice place for your Dh to be caught in the middle. He needs to understand that he has to step up for you though.
Have some responses ready and just repeat them over and over leaving the room if she doesn't stop.
can you not just have a direct conversation with her, that you're finding her to be overwhelming and while her excitement is lovely it's just too much and she needs to back off for the time being? Or would that cause World War 3?
Agree with your partner to put up a united front. Don't get angry but pleasant smile and say we're months away from thinking about buying stuff. Repeat repeat repeat. Get your husband to do his fair share, especially if he sees you start to cracked.
I think I would let her buy a pram (and other bits) on the basis they were kept at her house and you buy your own stuff. Don't let her choose stuff that you will be using - it's not her baby.
If her stuff doesn't get used it's not your problem or your money wasted.
I can't stand it when grandparents try to take over. My MIL is good; she asks if she can pay for something but we choose it. She just wants the credit for buying something which is fine.
Hopefully she will calm down in time.
It may be irritating but it is just a factor of her interest in you and her natural excitement. You are not all living under one roof so it shouldn't be hard to keep the peace for a few hours.
Ps in some families it is normal for grandparents to buy the pram as it is potentially a very expensive investment . I think that in those cases it would also be normal for said GPs to have input into the choice.
See pregnancy with its ups and downs as preparation for much greater ( obvs joyful too) compromises and discomfort when your DC arrive.
Pps she has been a mother so must have useful thoughts to bring to the table.
I agree with going for non commital answers.
"Oh, we haven't decided what pram we want yet. There's so much choice and so we will spend time finding what works for us. You are more than welcome to contribute if you'd like"
Then substitute pram for cot, car seat, baby seat etc etc as the need arises.
She is being overbearing but it's clearly coming from a good place and out of love for her grandchild - there are worse things!
I agree with the pp about firmly but kindly putting down boundaries now. Practise saying things like "Of course you can buy the pram. We'll send you the link to the one we choose MUCH nearer the time. "
Definitely lay the groundwork now, before baby arrives.
I'm not even pregnant yet (TTC) and I've already started on my overbearing MIL. I've seen too many people being effectively walked all over by their mothers or MILs when it comes to their babies so I'm putting the work in now!
She needs to calm down a
My mum was like this - I said very firmly I wasn't going to start looking at stuff & certainly wouldn't be buying things for months & months after announcing I was pregnant at 8 weeks, being a bit twitchy & freaked out & all
The very next day a pair of hand-knitted bootees arrived in the post "I just couldn't help myself" -
Start with kind but firm.
If she carries on then adjust the ratio of kind:firm as necessary
If it gets really bad then kind isn't a must
Stop telling her stuff, telling her at ten weeks was perhaps not the greatest idea.
Don't go on the weekend away, say you have morning sickness, let dh go on his own. Avoid her where possible.
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