First Grandchild problems

[Lauraw1989]

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and right now I feel like I have made the worst decision of my life.

I have always wanted kids and I'm over the moon now I'm pregnant ... My bossy MIL is ruining what should be the happiest time of life. Constantly firing names at me, buying boys/girls clothes (even though we are not finding out the sex) and generally taking over and saying she will be upset if we don't do this and that. She never ever asks me how I'm feeling or coping with pregnancy. I understand she is excited but so are my parents and they don't do this and they always ask how I am.

I went out yesterday with the DP and his family for an easter meal which then turned into drinking in a pub from 2-11 (this is what they do). Everyone got extremely drunk including DP. I ended up sitting in a toilet cubical crying because of my MIL driving me insane.

I feel like I can't talk to DP about this anyway because last time it ended in arguments.

If this is my life before the baby is even here how bad will it be once the baby arrives? I feel like she is taking over.

I'm 27 and he is 32

You are going to have to explain to your DP that you and the baby should be his priority now, not sitting in a pub with his family getting drunk, not puking half of the following day. Also it is his responsibility to rein in his mother. If he won't then you must do it or your life will be hell.

MIL says she wants to buy the pram - you tell her No, DP and I want to choose.

MIL constantly tells you to name the baby Ichabod Balonze - you thank her for the suggestion, but won't be deciding until the baby is born (even if you decide in advance).

MIL buys clothes for both sexes - let her get on with it - when the baby is born keep any wearable and sell the rest.

Time to put your foot down.

If all else fails tell her you think it will be a great move for you and DB to emigrate to Australia. Say you haven't mentioned it to him yet but know he will be excited and you want it to be a surprise and just waiting for application forms to arrive. This may send her over the edge in which case all your problems are solved.

Good luck

I think you need to have a sober chat. Tell him how you feel outside of the evening itself. How you need his support. How he needs to either keep a sensible track of his booze or not drink.

Then try and get him on side to face MIL as a unit.

I really understand.
First remember you have haywire emotions and it such a scary and amazing time
Second I suggest do a list of what you need and where from. If she wants to buy it suggest using a list or... starting a saving account for you and or baby
I really do understand so also put limits on what will happen when baby comes and stick to it.
The sooner you sort it the better but on my experience you have a lot more of this to come so the sooner you start your own coping strategies the better

And ... enjoy the pregnancy. It really is a roller coaster

I agree with those saying your DP/boyfriend is your main problem.

Unless he isn't old enough to be served at the bar it is not up to his parents to tell him to take you home!

Mind you unless you are too young to be having consentual sex to conceive the baby you're carrying you also need to start taking responsibility for yourself and taking yourself home from places you don't want to be!

Talk to him when you are both calm and he is not drink or hung over. He needs to grow up and realise his biggest responsibility is to the baby you're expecting together, not to keep his mum and dad sweet. You also need to be more calmly assertive at the time a situation is happening; make your wishes known and if they are dismissed take responsibility for yourself and call a taxi or drive yourself home and leave your DP to get a taxi, rather than crying and fighting after meekly waiting to be "taken home" by a drunk manchild for 9 hours!

OP. I'm sorry, I've been there.

My MIL had a lobotomy the moment she found out I was pregnant. This was not first GC but due to issues that predated myself and DH getting together they do not see their two older grandsons. FIL enables her behaviour; standing up to her involves crying and every emotional blackmail technique you can imagine, its her way or no way. There are issues there, the relationships forum of MN has been really helpful with dealing with these.

She offered to buy us a pram, but only from a selection of her choosing. She got upset that we wouldn't let her pick his name. When she found out we were on our way to the hospital she turned up at the delivery suite and stayed the entire time. She didn't like that I was breastfeeding. She brought 9 family members around to our tiny house unnanounced then expected me to make them all tea/coffee. DS1 was 10 days old she turned up at 8.30am knowing we had been up all night with the baby, with an enormous swinging chair after DH had said we didn't want one, which she then got FIL to assemble so it couldnt be returned. She told me my breastmilk "wasn't giving him enough nutrients and he needed formula" (it was a growth spurt). She spent a fortune on stuff because nobody stood up to her. Eventually, after a lot of "thanks very much, but no" she got the message.

Moral of the story: start saying no now. This will get worse when the baby is here. There are polite ways to do this. Your OH needs to talk to her. Good luck with it, and with the rest of your pregnancy.

It's no good saying "I'm tired" and expecting him to know you mean "I want to go home now".

Either take your own car so you can leave when you want or tell him directly you want to go home or phone a taxi and go.

You are a big girl now, expecting your in laws to tell your husband to take you home isn't adult behaviour.

I do regret not phoning for a taxi home I guess we learn by our mistakes. I just wanted to be fair and for my DP to have a nice time with his family. I think I just wanted him to be fair with me and realise when he needs to look after his pregnant girlfriend

You are pregnant not ill. In the nicest way possible- find your balls and stand up for yourself. It's not your dps job to 'look after' unless you have complications with your pregnancy. Yes, he can cook you dinner, carry the heavy shopping and not get pissed for hours in the pub, but you are perfectly capable of looking after yourself. IMO you should have just gone home and let them get on with it. When your mil starts just say no, if she continues don't see her. Once the baby arrives then it's a different matter if your dp is out all day getting pissed.

Step one is to resolve to calmly stand up for yourself from now on.

Step two is to implement that by having a calm conversation with your DP about being a team and on the same side and what you need from each other (you need him to take your wishes seriously, and back you up if you calmly say no to his mother or choose to politely leave social gatherings when you are tired - find out what he wants from you, perhaps to humour his mum without committing to anything or to attend lunches with his parents and play happy families, or perhaps he would be happy going alone sometimes but thinks you expect to do everything as a couple). You have to communicate clearly not hope he'll take hints or hope he'll read your mind - you may both be doing this, he may be hoping you're going to realise something or other he's telepathically signalling too .

Talk things through til you actually understand each other and reach agreement on the relationship with his family, and on the drinking (which seems interconnected).

Step 3 is to calmly stand up for yourself with your in-laws. Be polite and calm but say no when you need to, having made crystal clear to your DP that he is to back you up calmly.

If step 3 fails always have a back up plan to make your excuses and go home.

Don't indulge in any drama, and don't be a doormat.

As others say it's harder to do this when pregnant as it's an emotionally charged time, but you owe it to yourself and your baby to start behaving as an adult.

Lauraw1989 "I'm 17 weeks pregnant and right now I feel like I have made the worst decision of my life." Why is it the worst decision of your life if you are "...over the moon now I'm pregnant"?

Is it just because your 'bossy MIL is ruining what should be the happiest time'? Or are there other issues?

YOU MIL "Constantly firing names at me, buying boys/girls clothes (even though we are not finding out the sex)" The clothes will get used or not as you like, tell her she does not need to do it and then forget it. It's her money being spent/wasted, not yours.

The names, smile and say "mmmmmm". You choose the name, with your DP and do not tell a soul until the new name is registered and done deal. Honestly, do not tell anyone.

If necessary I would even suggest you and dh do not finalize the name until you register it so that no one can interfere.

MIL "... saying she will be upset if we don't do this and that." Just say something bland like "We will cross that bridge when we get to it." Every single time. If she is upset, so be it.

"She never ever asks me how I'm feeling or coping with pregnancy. I understand she is excited but so are my parents and they don't do this and they always ask how I am."

Start today with the realization your pregnancy is not your MIL's concern. She may not be interested in you, she is interested in her grandchild. So you don't expect kind comments, or questions about you. If you get any, fine. But don't expect any, it will make things easier for you.

The mammoth family drinks binge sounds awful. "Everyone got extremely drunk including DP. I ended up sitting in a toilet cubical crying because of my MIL driving me insane." Sounds shit, make a mental note to not allow it to happen again.

Rosie "You are pregnant not ill." Pregnancy and the hormonal and physical changes can make some people very ill. There is even such a thing as pre-natal depression. It is always possible the OP could be ill or at least affected by hormonal changes.

But yes, find your balls ovaries and stand up for yourself, OP, you are relying on people to care for you who do not seem able to. Your MIL doesn't seem to care. Your DP is not stepping up to the mark. If this continues you may end up parenting alone so do get your strength together.

Next time I won't rely on DP. I just expected better of him. I bet you all think I'm an idiot on here

NO, we do not think you are an idiot. But I feel like I can't talk to DP about this anyway because last time it ended in arguments. OK here is your real problem, your dp and you are about to become a family and you cannot talk to him. This should be a massive red flag that things are not as they should be between you.

Assuming he is not abusive to you, get some 'Relate' counselling (marriage guidance counselling) or similar. Because not being able to talk to gether is going to lead to a break up at some point in the future or you having a shit life while he tramples on your feelings.

"If this is my life before the baby is even here how bad will it be once the baby arrives? I feel like she is taking over." Then do not let her.

Lauraw1989 "I really don't want to break up with my DP I love him soooo much and I don't want to bring a baby into the world with separated parents." Then he needs to put you and the baby first. IF he has a drink problem he needs to prioritize getting it sorted out now.

Love is good but if it is not combinned with care and consideration it will wear a bit thin when you are dealing with a new baby and a pissed up partner. You need to put yourself and baby first now.

Always have the money in your purse for a taxi or the keys to car you can drive and tell your DP before you go out, I will be leaving when I want, under my own steam, what you do is up to you. (Unless you want him to leave with you then discuss that beforehand.)

"I think I just wanted him to be fair with me and realise when he needs to look after his pregnant girlfriend."

You want him to show you care, explain that, but be ready to look after yourself too.

Being emotional, crying etc can all be part of being pregnant.

Maybe your dp has nice qualities, start a conversation with that.
EG "I love you because XYZ, BUT I need more now we are expecting a baby. I need you to protect me from your Mum! Take me home, etc etc."

Then give him 5 or 10 minutes to do what you need in every situation. "Hon, I'd like to go home now." After 10 minutes if you are not going out the door together, you go.

Or "Your Mum is giving me hell." Within 5 mins you need him to be sticking up for you or you move chair, or you get your coat and you go.

In my world I would probably not expect my dh to do the sticking up for me because he is quite quiet! But it is worth giving him a chance to step up if that is what you want.

If he cannot, you do it for yourself but do warn him, "Your failure to help me in basic every day situations make me wonder what you would be like in a crisis!" Try and have a neutral chat first. Hoe are things going, how his mum is making you feel. Avoid calling her a bitch, it will just enflame the situation.

As far as the all day drinking goes, is this once a year or once a month, or once a week. The one a year doesn't sound too bad, (not my cup of tea but OK for some) but if it is more frequent just make it clear you won't be joining them.

And ignore any comments here that are upsetting. AIBU gets brutal. But this is your life, take charge, find your ovaries and be strong!

Ooopse, long, sorry!

I bet you all think I'm an idiot on here

Only if you do it again!

You know now, you've had some terrific advice on here. Read it, take it on board and talk to your DP.

Then carry on as you want to, not as they want you to.

And all will be fine

I don't think it's anything to do with relying on your DH. I don't understand why you didn't just go home when you'd had enough. If your DH wants to stay out and get drunk that's his problem. He's unlikely to have the money or time once you have had the baby.

When he's not with them he is the greatest man in the whole wide world.

This makes you sound 14, not 27. Its time to grow up and be realistic. You definitely need to start articulating your wishes.

I don't think you're an idiot, but I was surprised to read your ages... I would expect more initiative of my daughter and she's not even half your age :o but I'm sure the snapshot here isn't typical - you know that you need to be strong, self reliant, and communicate clearly and calmly with your DP and (less importantly but still) his family. Stop wishing people would behave as you hope and start being strong and take control of your own life.

Good luck.

I had very overbearing inlaws when pg with 1st dd and 1st grandchild and it did piss me off majorly and was never really addressed and caused endless rows and tension with me and dh BUT:- it was all ok overall and now there are other grandchildren and mine all older I really appreciate inlaws and they are involved in a very much more manageable way. If I had tried to tell them to back off years ago it would have been to much upset so I'm glad I didn't even though it massively stressed me at the time. Things that helped in hindsight :-

• breastfeedibg was great because I could always get the baby to myself for this and great excuse not to be in pubs etc
• don't let the baby be woken up if asleep to be passed round
• a good antenatal class shd emphasise importance of a nest of mum dad and baby for early days and limit visits which will show dh your not being paranoid
• remember this will pass and it is lovely for kids having involved and loving grandparents
• If they are big drinkers they won't be round constantly as babies and pubs don't mix well - my dh was a right pisshead till our first was about 6 months old wasn't his finest hour but blokes don't always realise that they need to adjust their lifestyles as well cos it's not such a physical change for them.

Remember he loves his parents and wants to share this with them- this is hard I know but try and find the positives to focus on - I still find mind my ils annoying at times but try and think they must be ok deep down to have raised such a nice son.

My DP said that's his parents are like and he can't change them. What do you want me to do stop seeing them? He told me my parents piss him off at times but would never criticise them he don't want to upset me but I just criticise his mum and really upset him.

I explained no I don't want him to stop seeing them but me and the baby should be his priority. I told him I will not stand for his mum's demanding behaviour but if I say anything you just say I'm criticising her so what am I supposed to do?

Laura why can't he see his parents on his own? You could agree to a pub lunch once a fortnight, and that you will leave when you are ready, and he can stay longer if he fancies.

Once the baby is born set whatever pattern works - perhaps once per week if you all live close to one another, again with the clear expectation that you will leave with the baby when you have had enough, and that he will not stay out getting drunk more than once peronth once the baby is born (for example)

Oh op..

You do need to stop acting like the victim with both your DP and MIL, l have read both your threads....

Stop waiting for him to read your thoughts ....if you don't want to sit in a pub tell him you will go for the meal or a couple of hours, and will get a cab home ..then do just that.

Don't feel the need to explain, just stand up and say 'nice to see you all( with a big smile) l am going to leave you to it , see you soon, have fun and walk away.

Take this attitude to the rest of your life, don't tell MIL anything ever and make sure DP doesn't either,.

Also don't criticise his mum as such just say' l dislike it when your DM says so and so, next time l will be saying/doing this so l EXPECT your full support. You sound too emotional and calling her a bitch is not helpful. Be stronger and calmer and stop worrying what anyone else thinks!

Time to grow up and decide where your boundaries are then start enforcing them.