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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's wrong having to explain my sex life to my parents?

152 replies

ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 22:47

Loooooong story short, me (34) and my sister (39, a crank!) basically fell out a long time ago (my parents also had to wash their hands of her) and over the past 6 months or so, she has decided to divulge my 'secrets' which I confided in her with over the years, to my parents, but in relation to guys I've dated, or affairs / flings I've had. My parents told me they "didn't think I was like that" - obviously thought I'd never had sex and my children were conceived by immaculate conception Hmm. Anyhow, a recent 'fling' I've had (I've been single now for 8 months) she has found out about and yet again, decided to divulge this to my mum. Now, I'm getting the sh!tty texts from my mum, telling me I'm wrong for having sex with a guy etc, and I'm sat here like a quivering wreck in case my dad finds out - he would disown me! I'm 34, AIBU to think my sex life has nothing to do with my parents and is my business??

OP posts:
comedycentral · 18/04/2017 18:20

Your whole family dynamic sounds awful to be honest. I am sorry to hear that you are shaking upset over this. Have you thought about distancing yourself from them all and getting some counselling?

GwenStaceyRocks · 18/04/2017 18:25

You don't have to explain your sex life to your parents. Trying to explain it to them makes you seem defensive. If you think you've made bad decisions, then you do need to make peace with that and make better ones in the future but none of it has to happen under the watchful eye of your parents.

QueenofPentacles · 18/04/2017 18:39

Just do not tell anyone about your sex life.
Problem solved.
I don't know why everyone has to talk about it anyway.
It's much better as a filthy secret

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 18/04/2017 18:43

That's awful!!!

First of all... What's so bad about having sex with the children asleep? Most parents do that. It's surely better than doing it when they're awake (unless they were at school or something), right? Confused

Your sister is a bitch. But so is your mother... And being afraid your dad would disown you? I mean, what the heck? It sounds awful and incredibly controlling... :(

katronfon · 18/04/2017 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katronfon · 18/04/2017 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astro55 · 18/04/2017 19:33

I guess I'm afraid of losing them

They should be afraid of losing you and the children

This is not an equal adult relationship -

Text back 'It's none of your business and I'd appreciate you ignoring DSis hatred towards me'

i will NOT be answering any further questions in regulars to my vagina

Primaryteach87 · 18/04/2017 19:38

I would text back kindly but firmly something like "mum, I appreciate that you worry about me and will always be protective but as an adult I don't feel my sex life is something I want to discuss with you. Im hope you'll understand. I wont be responding to any more discussion about it. I love you and I'm doing fine, so try not to let xxxx (sisters name) stir with your thoughts and emotions"

deedeegee · 18/04/2017 19:45

You are so not BU! Parents need to be told- it's not their business and DS can go to hell- obvs some hidden agenda going on...

Superwomaninmysparetime · 18/04/2017 22:17

Cauliflower has banged it to rights!!! Grin

unhappywskid · 19/04/2017 04:42

Nooo, NU at all. I truly love and respect my parents, but hey, you do have a private life that matters to nobody but yourself. If I were you, I'd draw the line with all of them. It's your life, for goodness sake. I love my parents so much, but discussing my sex life? Only if I wanted to, and even if I did, mom would not interfere. Avoid giving explanations and put your sister in her place.

MumInBrussels · 19/04/2017 06:28

You're definitely not being unseasonable. Your sister is a bitch, but I think you know this. Your parents are also not behaving normally about this, to say the least. You're an adult, you can have sex with whoever you like, however you like - it is none of your parents business. At all.

Do you need to talk to any of them for any reason? I'd be tempted to change my phone number and not give out the new one to my family, in your situation. Your parents should be telling your sister to mind her own business, not making you feel bad about consensual sex as a single adult. If they can't be supportive, fuck them. You're doing nothing wrong. And if all they're going to do is make you feel bad, why should you stay in contact with them?

Nanna61 · 19/04/2017 06:57

I think you should detach yourself from these people. Are you afraid of losing inheritance or something? I would have long gone.

Wando1986 · 19/04/2017 07:01

How weird. Are you from Kirkby?

twattymctwatterson · 19/04/2017 07:24

Op your family are abusive and you should at least go low contact with them - they aren't a positive influence in your dc's life. As for your sister- have you considered the possibility that she's hacked your social media/whatsapp somehow?

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 19/04/2017 07:56

Wando1986, not from Kirkby no! Though I did work close by once x

OP posts:
Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 19/04/2017 07:58

twatty OMG, hadn't even thought about that, I'm not on WhatsApp but yeah, she could well have gotten all my info from FB messaging ShockShock Can that be hacked though?? Angry

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 19/04/2017 08:03

It can yes. I'm not very tech savvy so not really sure how to fix that though. Certainly change all of your passwords. Google will probably be able to help!

Wando1986 · 19/04/2017 08:34

Just sounds like total wool behaviour from your family. What a weird way for them to behave.

GolderAndWiser · 19/04/2017 08:41

not to scare you too much scousebird but i had used my parents' computer and I was still logged in to my fb there. my dad hadn't been reading my messages i don't think but he kept posting things to my facebook and then denying it bizarrely. Things about cricket. Relatives obituaries. But then denying it Confused

Mrseft · 19/04/2017 08:52

I think it's been made relatively clear at this point that you are not unreasonable at all.
I'd be asking a few questions of your parents:

1)Why are you listening to a raging alcoholic who will say anything for a rise and some attention?
2)Why would you allow her to continue being a "threat" to the family unit in such a way?
3)Why would you think it's acceptable in any universe to call me a slag for being 34 and daring to have sex?

Then end with: Even if what she's saying is true, you must understand that I am a grown adult with a private life that I do not have to tell you a damned thing about, let alone justify.

Either that or I'd go completely the opposite way and gross my mum out with way too many details about the whole thing so she got too embarrassed and never bothered asking again.

Purplealienpuke · 19/04/2017 09:07

I would be torn between telling your mother to butt the fuck out of your business as you are an ADULT woman with ADULT wants and needs and regailing her with intimate (made up 50 shades type) details of your exploits! 'Oh mum I'm so glad you want to talk about it, I've been dying to tell someone about xxxx's big cock! He tied me up and spanked me and I had to go to a&e to have the butt plug removed'!! Etc 😂

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 19/04/2017 09:39

God, I love you guys WinkFlowers Thankyou all so much for opening my eyes and helping me to regain some strength over these past few days, I genuinely appreciate it and feel a little bit less of a total whore now! xxx

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 19/04/2017 10:15

How very dare you have sexy time!!! You bring shame to your family.

Seriously tell them all to get grip as it's none of their business who, how many or when you have sex.

Wouldn't even be a topic if you were a bloke.

Tell them you are busy off dogging then have an orgy to organise so you won't be able to reply to their ridiculous texts/phone calls for a few day.

This has made me really angry for you.

muffinbluffer · 19/04/2017 13:17

I've come a little late to this thread but just wanted to post as I really could empathise with your situation coming from a pretty crappy one myself.

I think your sister's behaviour is a symptom of a much bigger and damaging problem. You said that your sister has borderline personality disorder. More and more evidence is now showing that this 'personality disorder' is actually an understandable (if unhealthy) response to dysfunctional and abusive early relationships. In fact the psychiatrist Judith Herman suggested that this diagnostic term be changed to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your description of your dad calling you a slag is an example of emotional abuse as is their infantilising of you which may be an attempt to maintain control.

I would like to stress that I am not in anyway defending your sister's behaviour or condoning it. My mother most likely has borderline personality disorder (though being a brilliant actress and nicely middle class has avoided any such labelling) and I know how destructive and crazy making dealing with it can be. There are times that I hate her and also think of her as 'evil'. I can barely function in life due to my childhood. However, perhaps, if you can try and view your sisters behaviour as an expression (however horrible and inexcusable) of a very deep and unhealthy family dynamic. This may help you to know that it isn't to do with you really and that you can, though it is oh so hard, step out of it.

People always ask, well, we had the same parents, why don't I have BPD too then? Families are complex and although parents would claim they treat their children all the same the truth is they rarely do. Even in relatively healthy families studies have shown that depending on whether you are the first, middle or last born, these are pretty reliable indicators of certain traits in children.

I agree with others that counselling might be good though try and find someone with a good understanding of childhood development and attachment. I personally hate the term BPD as it fails to acknowledge a very complex and entrenched set of behaviours and relationships and dynamics and I feel people can use it to dismiss massive problems and failures in the parent's raising of their children.

I hope you don't feel I am minimising your experience of your sister's appalling behaviour. I am just trying to put it into a wider and hopefully more understandable context.

I am thinking of you.