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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's wrong having to explain my sex life to my parents?

152 replies

ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 22:47

Loooooong story short, me (34) and my sister (39, a crank!) basically fell out a long time ago (my parents also had to wash their hands of her) and over the past 6 months or so, she has decided to divulge my 'secrets' which I confided in her with over the years, to my parents, but in relation to guys I've dated, or affairs / flings I've had. My parents told me they "didn't think I was like that" - obviously thought I'd never had sex and my children were conceived by immaculate conception Hmm. Anyhow, a recent 'fling' I've had (I've been single now for 8 months) she has found out about and yet again, decided to divulge this to my mum. Now, I'm getting the sh!tty texts from my mum, telling me I'm wrong for having sex with a guy etc, and I'm sat here like a quivering wreck in case my dad finds out - he would disown me! I'm 34, AIBU to think my sex life has nothing to do with my parents and is my business??

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/04/2017 23:48

Your sister is mean and your parents sound judgemental. YANBU.

MrsJayy · 16/04/2017 23:50

Actually it isn't problem solved just it gives you peace and quiet , its totally not right though and really dysfunctional you are 34 and your father is callingyou a slag

Kelsoooo · 16/04/2017 23:56

@scousebird I knew what you meant. I was just disappointed with the terminology. People aren't their illness. She may have BPD. She isn't BPD. That's a distinction you need to be aware of. You'd not describe someone an autistic, or a cancer. Don't do so with BPD.

The stately homes thread is on here, can't link on the app, and it's great for people with dysfunctional families. It certainly helped me and many others. It can help you become more aware of what is and isn't normal and acceptable in terms of behaviour and boundaries after other people have skewed yours.

Kelsoooo · 16/04/2017 23:56

@scousebird I knew what you meant. I was just disappointed with the terminology. People aren't their illness. She may have BPD. She isn't BPD. That's a distinction you need to be aware of. You'd not describe someone an autistic, or a cancer. Don't do so with BPD.

The stately homes thread is on here, can't link on the app, and it's great for people with dysfunctional families. It certainly helped me and many others. It can help you become more aware of what is and isn't normal and acceptable in terms of behaviour and boundaries after other people have skewed yours.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 17/04/2017 03:21

OP, you do realise this is harassment?

I'd send a letter to your parents outlining that your private/sexual life is non of their business and yo won't tolerate their verbal/abuse.
Anymore of this and you will have to file a police report on them too.

Your sis has most likely got a 'spy' on the street/amongst your friends - unless the guys you sleep with are swapping notes down the pub?

Plunkette · 17/04/2017 04:06

Try this:

"Mum, you know I love you but this is a really inappropriate discussion. I'm an adult and entitled to my privacy. I'm sorry that X has upset you but I won't be discussing this subject with you again."

If your Dad sends you offensive texts, I would tell him that.

"I love you, but if you ever again send me such an inappropriate an offensive text I will block your number. I'm an adult and will not be discussing my private life with you"

You are an adult. They can only treat you like a child if you allow it.

Don't "quiver" about their reactions - this isn't their concern.

It sounds like someone is feeding your sister information. Whoever you are telling about your sex life, stop. How else could she know?

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2017 04:15

ScouseBird just tell your mum and dad your sex life is none of their business. Not up for debate.

However, IMHO if you are bringing a man into the house when your kids are there I can understand them being concerned. If it was my daughter and my grandkids I'd be more worried about the children finding out and being confused etc then about the morals of you having a lover.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2017 04:16

Your sister sounds awful, how is she finding out about your private life?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/04/2017 04:58

You're wrong for having sex.Confused.
I'll take it you and your sister were the immaculate conception, then.Hmm.
I'm sorry to say but your parents are Grade A Cranks.

bevelino · 17/04/2017 05:51

Hmmm

Trifleorbust · 17/04/2017 07:41

Plunkette

^^

This, in buckets.

Dozer · 17/04/2017 07:55

Your parents are as much a problem as your sister, especially your father.

Yes, use PPs' messages to shut them down and establish appropriate boundaries.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 17/04/2017 07:56

If your parents have washed their hands of her, how is she retelling this information?

TheTabardOfDoom · 17/04/2017 08:12

If I was your parent I would be more concerned about your sisters apparent unpleasantness and wonder where I had gone wrong in the raising of her. This is a case where the messenger deserves to be shot!

DevilsDumplings · 17/04/2017 08:18

If you're sister is a 'crank' and you've all disowned her why are you telling her personal stuff and why are your parents listening?

OnGoldenPond · 17/04/2017 08:26

OP, your parents behaviour is beyond odd and completely outrageous, I'm really Sadfor you that they have brought you up to think it is ok for them to speak to you like this.

For some context, neither of my parents have ever made any comments on my boyfriends unless invited.

This despite the fact that I could always tell my Dad found it difficult to deal with his little girl growing up and wouldn't allow DH and I to share a room until we were married, though we lived together for two years beforehand.

He never made any kind of comment on our domestic arrangements and would rather have ripped his own tongue out than call his own daughter a slag! Shock

Please tell your parents in no uncertain terms to stay out of your private business. If your DF calls you any more names just stay away from him until he stops abusing you.

Can you also talk to RL friends to get some normal perspective on this?

MeowWoof · 17/04/2017 08:34

I would remind your parents that nobody likes a gossip, and they ought to consider that as your sister is so indiscreet, what else she might be saying

user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 08:57

I'd say it's non of their business but in a polite way.

'It's inappropriate to quiz a mature adult about their private sex life. I'm not 17 after all'

If you dad texts and calls you a slag.

'It's unkind and rude to call someone a slag. I'm an adult. My sex life is my private business'

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/04/2017 09:02

You are exposing your kids to grandparents who call you a slag
stop you from eating becsuse you are quivering
Obviously tell sister nothing
Tell parents nothing
Get counselling ( see go for free referral) ASAP
This is soooooo not normal

pipsqueak25 · 17/04/2017 09:05

i would be going low contact with parents if i was you, if they don't see much of the gc that's their fault not yours and as for your sister..words fail me

GolderAndWiser · 17/04/2017 09:07

Wow!!
As pthers say, rather than denying i would shut down any attempt to discuss. Tell them they lack boundaries. Tell them they are behaving inappropriately.

My parents a bit like this (no crazy sister mind you) but my parents would feel entitled to 'reprimand' me too because im a single parent.

GolderAndWiser · 17/04/2017 09:08

Omg your Dad so out of line.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

BalloonSlayer · 17/04/2017 09:20

You could say to your parents "Taking such a prurient interest in your child's sex life is beyond weird. You need to take a look at yourselves."

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2017 09:20

It's a shame you confirmed what your sister said. It really is none of your parents business and their reaction is totally not normal.

Your sister has a personality disorder. I thought some people with BPD have promiscuous tendencies and are very impulsive and destructive.

The other way to handle this is to say, you confirmed it because your mother was obviously persuaded you'd obviously done all of these things so there was no point denying it. You're surprised she listened to her given that she can be impulsive/destructive or is promiscuous herself (or whatever her actual behaviour is). However, your sister says awful things about everyone and perhaps continue to say something like Cauliflower said upthread. Then when your mother asks you to confirm or deny, refuse to discuss the matter further.

Willow2017 · 17/04/2017 09:23

Jesus I would go non contact with the lot of them. Never mind them not seeing their grandkids I wouldn't let these people near my kids. You are a quivering wreck at the thought of your dads reaction I don't know why you would inflict this abnormal pair on your kids to screw them up too?

Ignore them all after telling them to fuck off and mind their own business. They are all as mad as a box of frogs. Do not let them bully you any more.